is this a form of alcoholism?
 

Hi all,

I can't quite work this out on my own...

My husband does not drink often. The problem arises when he goes out drinking without me there to watch him, he drinks excessively. To the point where he can't walk or talk properly by the time he arrives home. He then spends around 2 hours rolling around and groaning in discomfort. I have to wake up to baby him until he settles. He falls over, talks gibberish, cries etc. The next day he has no recollection of the night before, whereas I have to go to work exhausted from being kept up all night nursing a giant man-baby.

He is 36 years old. I can't understand why he can't control himself and know his limits. I'm 10 years younger than him but I would never ever get myself into that state so cannot understand why he does it...? Could it be a warning sign of depression or something else, or is he just behaving with extreme immaturity? Lack of control? I just don't know... all I know is it wears me down. Does anyone else have experiences similar to this who could help me to understand why he does this?

Thanks for listening...

I would say lack of maturity and selfishness. My ABF used to do this initially, then a year or so later it escalated to him going on benders alone when he became unemployed. Then more recently when he quit the benders when i'd told him they were unacceptable, he started drinking vodka during the day. He is now 37 and I too felt he should have grown up. I am 39 and had grown out of drinking excessively so couldn't understand it. He also appeared to be able to drink normally on some holidays or if we went to dinner so I didn't see it for a long while.

Now, I'm not saying your boyfriend is an alcoholic or will do the things my ABF did but I would watch other behaviours as a clue - my BF has other addictive tendencies (used to smoke 50 to 60 cigarettes a day before he gave up, can't stop eating certain foods he likes, drinks water like a fish, works all hours) which I humoured until it clicked that he is an all or nothing kind of person and where alcohol is concerned, I think it needs to be nothing. Sadly, I'm not sure he agrees so he is now moving out.

Have you explained to him in the morning that this behaviour is not acceptable? What does he say?

If it's a problem for you, and it's a problem for him, does the label matter? If it's a problem for you and a problem for him, alcoholism or not, you have the right to put your foot down, and to walk away if he can't or won't comply.

It doesn't matter what us drunks think if he has a problem. If your husband is truly honest with himself he knows the answer

Not necessarily. It could be that he just overdoes it when he does drink. But, like others have said, it doesn't really matter. If it is a problem for you, then it is a problem.

Wow anon12, mine sounds so similar! An all or nothing guy. Works obsessively, can't stop eating foods he enjoys even when he's adamant about losing weight.

I have described his behaviour to him the next morning and he laughs it off and thinks I'm exaggerating. I think I might film him next time. I told him if he knew what I'd seen the night before he'd be embarrassed. He didn't seem bothered in the slightest.

Florence, I guess not. I think the label is simply a way for me to diagnose his problem so I can understand why he does it. If I don't know the reason, I can't come up with a solution. An ultimatum won't work because I'm not going to walk out on him because of a drinking problem and he knows that.

flhogi, he just doesn't care. He has no recollection the next day so he feels no lasting effects. He doesn't even get hangovers ffs. No repercussions whatsoever...

I think it sounds like a problem that will get worse.

Wish you all the best and good luck, I hope you both can sort it out.

Hi Dreamless.

Geez, that's annoying. I think you've got some good advice/perspectives above.

I've never understood the people who thinking getting wasted is fun. Even if it doesn't turn into alcoholism, it's tiresome.

What was his response the first morning after? When you told him you were up all night while he cried and slobbered and fell over? Was he mortified? Or was he all, "Haw haw I'm so funny I was WASTED and don't even remember?"

Does he just expect you to "watch" him whilst you're out drinking together? You can't just kick back with a few drinks yourself?

And does he expect you to just deal with the man-baby stuff every so often?

Akrasia, he just kind of laughed and said he thought I was exaggerating. I promised him I wasn't. He thinks it's a joke and not a problem - but that's because he's so drunk he doesn't know what's going on, whereas I'm fully aware when I'm dealing with him all night.

When we're out together I don't really have to watch him, it's like he won't drink excessively when he's actually with me, so I know he CAN control himself if he really wanted to, that's why i can't understand why he does it when I'm not there.

And re the man-baby stuff - yes, he thinks I SHOULD look after him all night when he's incapacitated. I generally take care of him (cook, clean, iron his clothes etc.) and he sees it as an extension of that.

It sounds like it could be the beginning stage of alcoholism. Toward the middle stage, there start to be consequences, like missing work, DUIs, saying/doing things they regret while drunk, deteriorating relationships. Is he driving home plastered?

I would just ignore him when he comes home hammered. Sleep in a different room and use earplugs so he doesn't wake you up, and don't help him out at all. Tell him that you need your sleep and that he is not to disturb you. If he doesn't like it, go to a hotel room the next time he goes out drinking. He might take you seriously after that.

How often is he getting drunk like this?

Are his arms broke?

He's a grown man...at least I assume he is a grown man and not a seven year old child. He can get drunk by himself, so he can be his own nurse when he gets shite-faced. That isn't your job and it isn't an extension of anything.

Changingchoices, yes he drives home like this, which is the most worrying thing. I'm afraid it's only a matter of time before something happens to him. I've tried telling him over and over how stupid and dangerous it is and he agrees, but the problem is when he's drunk all his sense goes out the window.

Last time he came home like that I took the spare blanket and went to sleep in the living room. He then yelled and groaned constantly until I went to the bedroom to find that he'd fallen out of bed and couldn't get up off the floor himself...

He does it around once a month atm.

Suki, tell me about it... I try to ignore him but he's so loud. We live in a flat and I get worried about him waking the neighbours up because the walls are quite thin, that's why I respond after a while of him shouting... :(

Btw, thanks everyone for the advice, I really appreciate it.

Once a month is pretty frequent IMO for a 36 year old man to be tying one on like that. I drink, but I don't believe it's okay to get drunk, you know? Having a few drinks socially works for me, but I'm 41 and way too old to be partying like a frat boy.

Drinking and driving regularly? That sounds very reckless. While many non-alcoholics have done it at one time or another, getting plastered and drinking and driving on a monthly basis definitely sounds like alcoholic behavior to me.

Have you asked your husband to stop getting intoxicated? Do you think he could if he tried? It's hard to say if he's a full-blown alcoholic, but he's heading for a DUI at any rate.

Yes I've spoken to him about it so many times. The problem is he doesn't take it seriously. Because he's never been caught DUI, he thinks he never will. He just doesn't see getting that drunk as a problem :( and until he does he hasn't got the incentive to do anything about it. I feel powerless. I know it will happen again and again and nothing I say to him will get through...

If he could grasp the severity of his actions then yes, I think he could stop drinking because I don't think he's addicted to the alcohol or dependent on it, he's just an idiot when it comes to drinking responsibly.

I too did this, when I told my husband how he had behaved he just laughed it off.
I DID film my husband in his drunkenness to show him. I just KNEW if he could see it for himself what I was talking about he would be so appalled and would never drink like that again.
He always refused to watch what I had filmed. If I would try to convince him to watch it he would get angry with me and scream at me.
I finally realized months later after we separated that he knew all along the whole time that his behaviors and drinking were out of control. He just didn't care. And he didn't want to be faced with cold hard evidence, he'd rather not worry about it.
If he just kept his eyes shut and pretend it wasn't happening then it would be okay.

It's called denial.

I don't know what your situation is, or how your boyfriend would react if you filmed him. This is just my experience.

But I agree with the others. If it is a problem for you, then there is a problem.

Best wishes

Oh my god your husband sounds EXACTLY like mine. Not an alcoholic but just likes to get out of his face and doesn't seem to know his limit.

I am at the end of my tether with it actually because at 43 years of age I would have thought he'd have grown up by now.

I am generally absolutely sick of it now and it doesn't happen once a month here it's more like once every few months but even so it is driving me crazy. The last incident being last Saturday when I was with him and he was sooooo damn embarrasing. MEN!