havefaithinhim

Hey everyone!

I’m actually very new to this website and this is my first post. I come on here to read because my boyfriend of 3 years is an RA and sometimes I just don’t know what to say or do. In January 2012 he went to rehab for 3 months and has been out for 3 months, so he has been sober for 6 months. He was a binge drinker. Hard liquor was going to be the death of him if something wasn’t done. Since he is newly in recovery he feels as though if he drinks a beer every now and then with dinner or on special occasion than this is okay. But is it? In his mind he knows for a fact he cannot ever drink hard liquor because he knows he will go down the same road before his recovery. But why does he not feel this way about just plain beer? I am extremely confused and don’t know what I should do. Unfortunately, I have found myself babying him and making sure he makes the right decisions but by reading blogs on here I have found out that is not healthy for him. I just wish I knew what to say or do. Any suggestions?

angrywife

There is nothing you can say or do. A beer here and there will most likely lead to a full blown relapse. I'm sorry. Have you ever read the big book? I read it years ago, before I ever realized what alcoholism really is. My AH's addiction has played out word for word straight out of that book.

suki44883

To the body of an alcoholic, alcohol is alcohol. It doesn't matter whether it's "hard" liquor, beer, wine, or moonshine. The body abosorbs it all the same way.

If he wants recovery, he cannot ever drink alcohol again. Period. Pretending that beer isn't as bad a whiskey is denial, plain and simple. Alcohol is alcohol.

havefaithinhim

I read the to the wifes chapter, thank for responding

Florence

I am with Anvilhead and Suki.

I've been with my RAH (recovering alcoholic husband) for about seven years, and we've been down that road before. Alcoholism is a progressive disease. Right now your guy is making deal with himself about what he can and can't do in order to test his own resolve and physical limitations. He hasn't come to terms yet with the reality of his situation. The thing about alcoholics is that this almost always (basically always) leads to a full-blown relapse.

That little voice in your gut that says he's wrong? Listen to that. Perhaps you could stop listening to what he's saying, and start looking at what he's doing. Testing his words against his actions. He will show you who he is by what he does. For an alcoholic, the only means of true recovery begin with a life-long commitment to sobriety.

I was new to all this when I realized my RAH had a real drinking problem, and despite the fact that his treatment team agreed he was a particularly advanced alcoholic (at 31 he was looking at the beginnings of liver disease) his disease looked nothing like I imagined what alcoholism looked like. You might try watching the HBO series "Addiction" because it will paint a very clear picture of what you're dealing with, and most of these are available online for free. These forums have also been a lifeline for me -- I have learned so much about the disease and about myself since I became a regular reader. Post and comment as much as you need to -- we are here!

EmmyG

My husband convinced me after his first year-long stretch of sobriety that he had "straightened himself out" and was ready to have a beer or two on occasion. The first occasion went smoothly. The second one (only two days later) went a little less smoothly, and the last one turned into a four-day binge with the cops coming to my house. My instincts told me he should never drink again, but I believed him. It's NEVER a good idea. And after all they've been through, the fact that having a beer or two is so important considering what's at stake, should tell you how little control they have.

lizatola

My AH also convinced me that his 15 years of sobriety were enough and that he was an adult now. He was 43 years old and could control his drinking and he could prove it. I believed all he said, took the bait hook line and sinker. Now, he's going to jail in a few weeks for his DUI and will be on 3 years probation. I tried begging him not to drink, I tried reversing it and telling him that I had a problem with alcohol and couldn't have it in the house, I tried crying and accusations of abandonment. Nothing worked, he kept hiding it and he kept bingeing. He hasn't had anything to drink since the DUI, that I know of. He still has liquor(mostly whiskey) hiding in his office closet. I had trusted him when he said he was done drinking again but I found his alcohol when I was looking for school supplies for my son's project. So, my red flags went up again and now I sit here waiting for the next shoe to drop.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that we've all heard it before. It's only beer, it's not the hard stuff. Well, my AH said the same thing like beer was somehow less effective at getting the addiction going again. Alcohol is alcohol: beer, wine, and liquor have different alcohol content but they all can contribute to addiction and it's very dangerous for a recovering addict to play that game. It didn't take him long to get to the point where he would drink beer in front of me but be drinking vodka in secret in his office.

Do you attend Al Anon? I would suggest finding a meeting near you so that you can get some experience, strength, and hope from others who have been where you are. Keep coming back to SR, too!

Anon12

My ABF wanted to 'test' the waters a few months back. I told him I didn't want to be involved and if he wanted to drink, to go and drink. I had imagined he meant a glass of wine with dinner. Instead, he went and bought some vodka and drank some of that before we went for dinner, where he ordered his 'first' drink, a glass of wine....

Cue massive relapse and still even now he cant stay he cannot drink again, only 'i don't think I can drink again'.

I agree with the post earlier, even if he can drink again, is it worth what you risk losing? I don't know what it would be like if I was told I couldn't drink again but if someone said you can have a glass of wine every now and then or you can never drink again but you can have a loving relationship, nice home and good job, it would be worth the sacrifice.

Cyranoak

Unfortunately the clock is ticking on this one IMHO. Start Alanon so you'll better be able to handle what's next. I've been to Greenville, it's beautiful, and small enough you might consider anonomizing yourself a little more here by taking down that picture. Just a suggestion-- do what you will.

Take care and good luck,

Cyranoak