NC while living with your A
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
Maybe you could just keep that information (about his drunk azz alone with the kids) for the filing, or anytime you are not there.
Avoiding his advanced alcoholic nuttiness will save you some anxiety.
Your goal although it might seem impossible now is to get some peace, and a start would be avoiding him.
He does not deserve to gaze upon your lovely face, or speak any words to you.
He has lost all privileges of communication.
Now, where is that pink paint gun of shame?
<I go into the closet while humming born free.> Ah, there it is, I will be cleaning it, in case we need it. Okay?
My boyfriend sent me his Gerber multi-tool. It has many sharp things on it, but I need much more practice, with that one.
It would be my blood flowing.
My daughter is coming over to take me out for coffee. I will check you later.
Your baby boomer friend,
Beth
Avoiding his advanced alcoholic nuttiness will save you some anxiety.
Your goal although it might seem impossible now is to get some peace, and a start would be avoiding him.
He does not deserve to gaze upon your lovely face, or speak any words to you.
He has lost all privileges of communication.
Now, where is that pink paint gun of shame?
<I go into the closet while humming born free.> Ah, there it is, I will be cleaning it, in case we need it. Okay?
My boyfriend sent me his Gerber multi-tool. It has many sharp things on it, but I need much more practice, with that one.
It would be my blood flowing. My daughter is coming over to take me out for coffee. I will check you later.
Your baby boomer friend,
Beth
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 253
Originally Posted by transformyself 
He's VERY scary lately when he's drunk. Punched a hole in the bathroom wall a couple of weeks ago.
I have a plan for the $150 I need to file for divorce, I think I can get it Tuesday.
Then he'll get served and probably go insane for a bit.
.
I have a plan for the $150 I need to file for divorce, I think I can get it Tuesday.
Then he'll get served and probably go insane for a bit.
.
After what happended to my daughter with a scary addict, this is a very sensitive topic with me.
I Love Who I Am
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
I did the opposite of NC and went through his phone yesterday and saw his texts with a woman he works with. Setting the stage for the exit.
I told him about it too. I thought, this is how it ends. I tell him I know what he's doing and we get divorced.
Now he's enraged. It's my fault. What do I want from him? he doesn't care what I do, why do I care what he's doing.
I'm really confused about my actions and feelings. So confused. I think I need very serious treatment.
I was vomiting all day yesterday too. ****'s ****** up.
I told him about it too. I thought, this is how it ends. I tell him I know what he's doing and we get divorced.
Now he's enraged. It's my fault. What do I want from him? he doesn't care what I do, why do I care what he's doing.
I'm really confused about my actions and feelings. So confused. I think I need very serious treatment.
I was vomiting all day yesterday too. ****'s ****** up.
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,754
Deep breath, it's okay, of course it's all your fault, isnt it always all your fault.
They are sooooooo cruel. What happened yesterday changes nothing, keep moving forward.
i'm so sorry, it must be horrible, a five minute conversation with my xabf will take me three days to recover from, he has a way of damaging so deeply with his words, it's chaos and in chaos we do things that we would not normally do.
It's okay, please be kind to yourself.
Love to you Katie.
They are sooooooo cruel. What happened yesterday changes nothing, keep moving forward.
i'm so sorry, it must be horrible, a five minute conversation with my xabf will take me three days to recover from, he has a way of damaging so deeply with his words, it's chaos and in chaos we do things that we would not normally do.
It's okay, please be kind to yourself.
Love to you Katie.
I Love Who I Am
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
i'm so sorry, it must be horrible, a five minute conversation with my xabf will take me three days to recover from, he has a way of damaging so deeply with his words, it's chaos and in chaos we do things that we would not normally do.
He said horrible things to me, but they are his truth. He doesn't care what I do, why do I care what he does?
He "manned up," when I got pregnant with our 14 year old, and he provides everything for me while I do nothing.
he's at work, texting me that I'm going to pay for this.
I Love Who I Am
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
I am spiraling downward. I feel like I really screwed up and now I AM going to pay for it.
He told me his friends at work can't believe he's endured living with me for so long. I am so humiliated. He says he's going to ban me from the store, just like he did with his other affair partner where he worked.
I have to get the kids ready for school I am so scared what's going to happen when he comes home?
He told me his friends at work can't believe he's endured living with me for so long. I am so humiliated. He says he's going to ban me from the store, just like he did with his other affair partner where he worked.
I have to get the kids ready for school I am so scared what's going to happen when he comes home?
I Love Who I Am
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Location: Midwest
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and of course I want to call this fat little girl he's texting with and tell her that it's a bad idea to **** around with married men, regardless of what they tell you their situation is at home.
they've worked together for years, it's the same story as the other woman. what is wrong wtih me? I'm so triggered, I am desperate.
Same ****. Why am I surprised? I was vomiting all day yesterday. VOMITING.
they've worked together for years, it's the same story as the other woman. what is wrong wtih me? I'm so triggered, I am desperate.
Same ****. Why am I surprised? I was vomiting all day yesterday. VOMITING.
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,294
:ghug3
We are pulling for you, Transformie. I know it's really, really hard right now. Try to find ONE tiny piece of progress, today, and focus on that.
Breathe.
Things will change, if you make some tiny bit of progress each day. Forward progresss, every day, however small.
CLMI
We are pulling for you, Transformie. I know it's really, really hard right now. Try to find ONE tiny piece of progress, today, and focus on that.
Breathe.
Things will change, if you make some tiny bit of progress each day. Forward progresss, every day, however small.
CLMI
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Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Michigan
Posts: 73
Hi. I normally don't post here because I am the A. I just saw so much of me in you. I have tolerated my H nasty words for too long. Now that I'm not drinking he can't stand it. He has accused me of stupid stuff. All the while he has had the affair I too have gone through his phone. He tells me he is no longer married so I ask him why don't you file. I rarely get upset anymore because I don't believe his lies about me anymore. I'm not ready to file but the day will come soon. I understand what you are going through stay strong for yourself and your kids that is what is most important 
) wishing you all the best
) wishing you all the best
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Join Date: Mar 2012
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He is simply trying to hold you hostage.
YOu have done nothing wrong, don't let him bamboozle you into thinking you caused any of this.
You are his target, he is losing his enabler. He see's himself heading toward a place that scares his to death.
Keep moving forward with your plan. YOu are strong and wise and together.
YOu are not on his chain gang anymore, all the others are, not you, not your children, you are making sure of that.
xoxoxoxo
YOu have done nothing wrong, don't let him bamboozle you into thinking you caused any of this.
You are his target, he is losing his enabler. He see's himself heading toward a place that scares his to death.
Keep moving forward with your plan. YOu are strong and wise and together.
YOu are not on his chain gang anymore, all the others are, not you, not your children, you are making sure of that.
xoxoxoxo
I Love Who I Am
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
He is simply trying to hold you hostage.
YOu have done nothing wrong, don't let him bamboozle you into thinking you caused any of this. You are his target, he is losing his enabler. He see's himself heading toward a place that scares his to death.
YOu have done nothing wrong, don't let him bamboozle you into thinking you caused any of this. You are his target, he is losing his enabler. He see's himself heading toward a place that scares his to death.
I don't understand this. How am I his enabler? He hates living with me. He isn't scared to not be with me, he will be happy I'm sure. He'll find a girl that respects him and loves him, which I honeslty haven't been doing at all.
What's happening to me? Am I going crazy? I feel like it.
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Posts: 1,175
Maybe a mind set trick?
Something along the lines of imagining him being a college dorm mate.
Ive seen it. Cordial, absolutely just business discourse.
If you are sure you are done, and you know you will be leaving, and there are no emotional loose ends, in terms of loving him, or wanting to please him or help him, or whatever, then just see him as a college dorm mate. You have to share the space, but you owe him nothing but common courtesy, and business discourse.
Its a trick.
i am not good at that...LOL. I have to have him out of here, because I am still quite conflicted in myself about my feelings for him, maybe still have one toe in the fantasy of it.
It sounds like you do not have that toe in. But, your anger is indicative of some kind of investment.
i only say so, because I am in the same boat.
Something along the lines of imagining him being a college dorm mate.
Ive seen it. Cordial, absolutely just business discourse.
If you are sure you are done, and you know you will be leaving, and there are no emotional loose ends, in terms of loving him, or wanting to please him or help him, or whatever, then just see him as a college dorm mate. You have to share the space, but you owe him nothing but common courtesy, and business discourse.
Its a trick.
i am not good at that...LOL. I have to have him out of here, because I am still quite conflicted in myself about my feelings for him, maybe still have one toe in the fantasy of it.
It sounds like you do not have that toe in. But, your anger is indicative of some kind of investment.
i only say so, because I am in the same boat.
I Love Who I Am
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oh that's right. I was leaving him wasn't I?
I was leaving because he's an alcoholic that won't stop drinking. He's angry with me all the time and then angry because we don't have a relationship. No wait.
I'm leaving him because when I'm around him I can't function. I don't have to figure out why, or analyze it, I just have to get away.
I was leaving because he's an alcoholic that won't stop drinking. He's angry with me all the time and then angry because we don't have a relationship. No wait.
I'm leaving him because when I'm around him I can't function. I don't have to figure out why, or analyze it, I just have to get away.
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You are leaving him because he does not respect himself, you or your kids.
He "manned up"...Ive heard that one...And all the other blame shifting.
He has affairs because he cannot take hi boat out of the water and tend to the gaping holes that sink him, so these people are band aids, in his mind, who stop the leak for a few minutes.
My A used to do that when he drank. Just desperately seeking these distractions to give him an enhanced buzz, a feeling that he is adored, because who he is is too ugly for him to face. It doesnt last long, that buzz.
you dont do this, because you do have love for yourself.
Alcoholics are self loathing. When he looks at you he remembers who he is, who he has been.
I have spied on his phone. It gave me the bolster I needed at times to put him out. I wanted to kill him, too.
You are leaving him. It is sooooo page one in the aaddict playbook to turn that scenario around, to make you feel like the abandoned one, because You didnt measure up.
Its a ploy. I know its hard to rise above it, but...It is a common ploy. I have been there, too, wallowing in doubt, because of the storm that was mine that he turned around onto me.
He is sober now, and he still tries to do it.
He "manned up"...Ive heard that one...And all the other blame shifting.
He has affairs because he cannot take hi boat out of the water and tend to the gaping holes that sink him, so these people are band aids, in his mind, who stop the leak for a few minutes.
My A used to do that when he drank. Just desperately seeking these distractions to give him an enhanced buzz, a feeling that he is adored, because who he is is too ugly for him to face. It doesnt last long, that buzz.
you dont do this, because you do have love for yourself.
Alcoholics are self loathing. When he looks at you he remembers who he is, who he has been.
I have spied on his phone. It gave me the bolster I needed at times to put him out. I wanted to kill him, too.
You are leaving him. It is sooooo page one in the aaddict playbook to turn that scenario around, to make you feel like the abandoned one, because You didnt measure up.
Its a ploy. I know its hard to rise above it, but...It is a common ploy. I have been there, too, wallowing in doubt, because of the storm that was mine that he turned around onto me.
He is sober now, and he still tries to do it.
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,754
Originally Posted by transformyself
oh that's right. I was leaving him wasn't I?
I was leaving because he's an alcoholic that won't stop drinking. He's angry with me all the time and then angry because we don't have a relationship. No wait.
I'm leaving him because when I'm around him I can't function. I don't have to figure out why, or analyze it, I just have to get away.
I was leaving because he's an alcoholic that won't stop drinking. He's angry with me all the time and then angry because we don't have a relationship. No wait.
I'm leaving him because when I'm around him I can't function. I don't have to figure out why, or analyze it, I just have to get away.
Keep going. xoxoox
I Love Who I Am
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Well I had to go pick him up from work (we're down to one car again) and he explained that he's not really pursuing a relationship with that girl he was texting. It's not how it looks. He has no problem not communicating with her. And now he sees that he blames me for everything too. Huh.
I can't tell if this is true right now, but am going to hold on to it.
You are leaving him. It is sooooo page one in the aaddict playbook to turn that scenario around, to make you feel like the abandoned one, because You didnt measure up.
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I'm totally confused. If you can't stand to live with him, don't love him, want to divorce him, etc., why are you upset about him texting with another girl?
Not trying to be harsh, but, are you completely sure you know what you want?
Not trying to be harsh, but, are you completely sure you know what you want?
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Transform,
He cannot abandon you if he was never there for you.
You are leaving him. It is time to go.
He might find someone who believes his facade for awhile. But transform, maybe with you gone, he has no one to project his self hatred on, he is being abandoned. Without you there to spew on, all he has left is himself, and he is afraid. Very, very afraid.
See him as a child having a tantrum, and keep moving forward.
And he never believed you could do it.
Please do it transform.
He did the "right" thing 15 years ago? Nothing in between then and now?
Grown men take care of their responsibilities, not cry about it, and expect a crown and trophy.
Geez.
Ban you from the store? He is talking badly about you to his co-workers?
This is more teenage behavior from him.
The worst thing to me is threatening you. You do know that he gets a certain pleasure from making you miserable? Please do not spend another minute there.
You deserve to live free of fear.
Beth
your codie friend
He cannot abandon you if he was never there for you.
You are leaving him. It is time to go.
He'll find a girl that respects him and loves him, which I honeslty haven't been doing at all.
See him as a child having a tantrum, and keep moving forward.
And he never believed you could do it.
Please do it transform.
He did the "right" thing 15 years ago? Nothing in between then and now?
Grown men take care of their responsibilities, not cry about it, and expect a crown and trophy.
Geez.
Ban you from the store? He is talking badly about you to his co-workers?
This is more teenage behavior from him.
The worst thing to me is threatening you. You do know that he gets a certain pleasure from making you miserable? Please do not spend another minute there.
You deserve to live free of fear.
Beth
your codie friend
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