A week into leaving AH...
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 485
A week into leaving AH...
I'm writing because I'm at the point in the cycle with AH where I usually make the wrong decision and end up enabling this situation to go on. Writing all of this down is helping me keep my head on straight.
I've been gone for a week now, still staying at my parents' with our boys. He has been off of his binge for about five days now, back at work and back to his normal personality. This is usually the most difficult time for me. Typically, as soon as his behavior returns to normal, I go home. I pout and act angry, then he makes his promises and I agree to put it behind us and trust his word. This time, I'm not doing that. I've read "Codependent No More" twice in the last few days, to keep me strong, and it's helping immensely.
He came to see the kids yesterday and it was hard for me. He was on his best behavior and really good with them (to be fair, he is always good with the kids and is a generally nice person when not on a binge). He looked bright and handsome, and to look at him, you'd never know he'd just been on a bender. Anyway, when it came time for him to go home, we both stood there awkwardly, and he asked me if I just wanted to come home and work on things together. I said no. He said he understood. I got in the car and turned the radio up on the drive back to my mom's and silently cried to myself. It was so sad to see the kids say goodbye to him and the reality that we're apart really hit me.
But...I just can't let myself go home. Part of me thinks "But he's only done this twice in the last two years. It could be so much worse. He's promised he won't let it happen again. Go home and try it one more time." But I know in my heart that's the wrong thing to do. I'm trying to put aside those feelings and put the kids first. AH actually agrees with me that this is the right thing, as hard as it is. We both acknowledge that our home life, with him going on these binges every so often and me living in constant fear and anxiety, is just not healthy for anyone. We are going to see the counselor tomorrow, and we've both agreed to be completely honest with her. I plan to stay away for the foreseeable future. I'm thinking she will recommend that we do individual counseling and live apart while he pursues treatment. This isn't really the time for marriage counseling.
I don't know if he'll ever get better. I don't know if we'll ever live together again, and I'm doing the best I can to be strong and make peace with that. I'm a little terrified because not being with him is scary. But detaching myself from the daily worrying about whether or not he's drinking, or going to drink in the future, has been really peaceful. I was so afraid of this, of being apart from him, when in reality it's not the end of the world. It might not be easy, but I rest assured that my kids are safe. I sent him a picture of them today, and he commented on how happy they look. He said as much as it hurts to be apart from them, he knows this is what needs to happen. I know this is what I have to do. And I spent years being afraid of leaving him, even of going out of town without him, because I was afraid of what would happen to him. I'm not doing that now, and it feels great. He's home alone, and he's fine. He's a big boy. He makes his choices. My boys aren't adults, and they depend on me to make good decisions. That's really hit home for me reading SR.
I was thinking today about break-ups I had when I was young. I remember two that were extremely hard. I remember thinking I had lost "the one." Both times. I remember lying in bed sad and depressed, and thinking I could never be happy again. But here I am, 10 years later, and I have good memories of those two people. I wouldn't trade the experience. They have moved on, and I've moved on, and I'm okay. And this time is different, yes, because I have kids with AH, but whatever happens, we will both be okay. And my kids can be okay, too. I may not be able to give them two parents in the same house, but I can give them love and support and a PEACEFUL home, which is what they both deserve. They are so precious and innocent.
I've been gone for a week now, still staying at my parents' with our boys. He has been off of his binge for about five days now, back at work and back to his normal personality. This is usually the most difficult time for me. Typically, as soon as his behavior returns to normal, I go home. I pout and act angry, then he makes his promises and I agree to put it behind us and trust his word. This time, I'm not doing that. I've read "Codependent No More" twice in the last few days, to keep me strong, and it's helping immensely.
He came to see the kids yesterday and it was hard for me. He was on his best behavior and really good with them (to be fair, he is always good with the kids and is a generally nice person when not on a binge). He looked bright and handsome, and to look at him, you'd never know he'd just been on a bender. Anyway, when it came time for him to go home, we both stood there awkwardly, and he asked me if I just wanted to come home and work on things together. I said no. He said he understood. I got in the car and turned the radio up on the drive back to my mom's and silently cried to myself. It was so sad to see the kids say goodbye to him and the reality that we're apart really hit me.
But...I just can't let myself go home. Part of me thinks "But he's only done this twice in the last two years. It could be so much worse. He's promised he won't let it happen again. Go home and try it one more time." But I know in my heart that's the wrong thing to do. I'm trying to put aside those feelings and put the kids first. AH actually agrees with me that this is the right thing, as hard as it is. We both acknowledge that our home life, with him going on these binges every so often and me living in constant fear and anxiety, is just not healthy for anyone. We are going to see the counselor tomorrow, and we've both agreed to be completely honest with her. I plan to stay away for the foreseeable future. I'm thinking she will recommend that we do individual counseling and live apart while he pursues treatment. This isn't really the time for marriage counseling.
I don't know if he'll ever get better. I don't know if we'll ever live together again, and I'm doing the best I can to be strong and make peace with that. I'm a little terrified because not being with him is scary. But detaching myself from the daily worrying about whether or not he's drinking, or going to drink in the future, has been really peaceful. I was so afraid of this, of being apart from him, when in reality it's not the end of the world. It might not be easy, but I rest assured that my kids are safe. I sent him a picture of them today, and he commented on how happy they look. He said as much as it hurts to be apart from them, he knows this is what needs to happen. I know this is what I have to do. And I spent years being afraid of leaving him, even of going out of town without him, because I was afraid of what would happen to him. I'm not doing that now, and it feels great. He's home alone, and he's fine. He's a big boy. He makes his choices. My boys aren't adults, and they depend on me to make good decisions. That's really hit home for me reading SR.
I was thinking today about break-ups I had when I was young. I remember two that were extremely hard. I remember thinking I had lost "the one." Both times. I remember lying in bed sad and depressed, and thinking I could never be happy again. But here I am, 10 years later, and I have good memories of those two people. I wouldn't trade the experience. They have moved on, and I've moved on, and I'm okay. And this time is different, yes, because I have kids with AH, but whatever happens, we will both be okay. And my kids can be okay, too. I may not be able to give them two parents in the same house, but I can give them love and support and a PEACEFUL home, which is what they both deserve. They are so precious and innocent.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 202
Hi Emmy
While I don't post a huge amount (spend too much time reading!!) I have been following your posts and your progress. I think you are doing incredibly well, I bet you feel way stronger than you expected to feel. I really feel everything will work out for you, and I think there is a new-found strength in your post today.
You are amazing, and you deserve all the peace and happiness that is coming your way.
Adventure
While I don't post a huge amount (spend too much time reading!!) I have been following your posts and your progress. I think you are doing incredibly well, I bet you feel way stronger than you expected to feel. I really feel everything will work out for you, and I think there is a new-found strength in your post today.
You are amazing, and you deserve all the peace and happiness that is coming your way.
Adventure
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 75
Emmy
A beautiful post..
I hope you find the strength to get through this.
For me One day it hit me - i Deserve better. Instead of worrying about the drinking, the verbal abuse I just knew in my heart that something better was out there.
I let go and there was. I rediscovered me
A beautiful post..
I hope you find the strength to get through this.
For me One day it hit me - i Deserve better. Instead of worrying about the drinking, the verbal abuse I just knew in my heart that something better was out there.
I let go and there was. I rediscovered me
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
You are making great choices, Emmy.
Just keep remembering he is an addict and as such, every thing he says and does is manipulation to protect his drinking. This is always hard for us to understand, but in active addiction, alcohol controls every single choice an alcoholic makes and every action he takes.
When he is bright and handsome and nice and says it hurts him to be away from his children but he knows it's for the best.....he is protecting his drinking in some way.
In counseling, there will always be the possibility he will manipulate both you and the counselor. Alcoholics are master liars and manipulators and even seasoned drug counselors get conned by them.
So just don't assume anything about him, and stay where you are, doing what you're doing. Alcoholics have a lot of secrets, and what you think you know about him, there's still more to find out. He may be drinking much more than you think, he may be using other mind-altering substances, he may be acting out in other addictive ways.
So always keep in mind, he is protecting his addiction right now. That is his goal.
Just keep remembering he is an addict and as such, every thing he says and does is manipulation to protect his drinking. This is always hard for us to understand, but in active addiction, alcohol controls every single choice an alcoholic makes and every action he takes.
When he is bright and handsome and nice and says it hurts him to be away from his children but he knows it's for the best.....he is protecting his drinking in some way.
In counseling, there will always be the possibility he will manipulate both you and the counselor. Alcoholics are master liars and manipulators and even seasoned drug counselors get conned by them.
So just don't assume anything about him, and stay where you are, doing what you're doing. Alcoholics have a lot of secrets, and what you think you know about him, there's still more to find out. He may be drinking much more than you think, he may be using other mind-altering substances, he may be acting out in other addictive ways.
So always keep in mind, he is protecting his addiction right now. That is his goal.
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