Well, so much for missing him
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 433
Well, so much for missing him
I just found out an hour ago that my AX cheated on me during our relationship. I know it probably sounds naive, but neither I nor any of his friends or family felt that he was the cheating type. I've known him on and off for over two decades, and I and everyone else felt he had good moral values when it comes to sexual relationships.
This goes to show what alcoholism does to a person. Of course, I suspected things might not have been on the up-and-up when he disappeared overnight to drink in bars/hotels. This type of behavior started a few years ago, when his alcoholism was progressing to middle stage alcoholism.
I feel terribly hurt to have found out that he cheated on me, but in a way, I am relieved to know. Since infidelity is an absolute deal-breaker for me, this erases the possibility of me ever wanting to be with him again.
I feel very strongly now that he is not the person he used to be at all. That his addiction has made him into someone else, someone unrecognizable, someone with no morals and who I would never want to be with. It's heartbreaking.
This goes to show what alcoholism does to a person. Of course, I suspected things might not have been on the up-and-up when he disappeared overnight to drink in bars/hotels. This type of behavior started a few years ago, when his alcoholism was progressing to middle stage alcoholism.
I feel terribly hurt to have found out that he cheated on me, but in a way, I am relieved to know. Since infidelity is an absolute deal-breaker for me, this erases the possibility of me ever wanting to be with him again.
I feel very strongly now that he is not the person he used to be at all. That his addiction has made him into someone else, someone unrecognizable, someone with no morals and who I would never want to be with. It's heartbreaking.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
An affair was finally what pushed me into recovery for both the alcohol use and the affair.
It has taken awhile, but I suspect it will turn into a life changing situation.
The Three Cs were very helpful for me with both of these things
I did not cause it
I cannot control it
I cannot cure it.
Please be gentle with yourself now.
It has taken awhile, but I suspect it will turn into a life changing situation.
The Three Cs were very helpful for me with both of these things
I did not cause it
I cannot control it
I cannot cure it.
Please be gentle with yourself now.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Better than where I was
Posts: 267
I just found out my AW is cheating on me. There is no way 17 years ago she would have done this! When I sit back & reflect on the person she used to be to what she is today it is shocking! She is a completely different person. Only occasionally do I get glimpses of the woman I fell in love with. She is dead center middle stage & heading further & faster every day. In the beginning of the middle stage she started acting nutty now she's just all over the place. It is so hard to watch. It is such a horrible, horrible disease! I got the advice here not to take it personally. I like to think of it as it's the disease acting this way & not my wife. That being said that was the last straw & I'm making plans to start a new life, so sad it will be without her.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Los Angeles
Posts: 271
I second Anvil's comment. In a way it's a gift as it is so difficult for me to go no contact with toxic people as I keep hoping things will or might change.
If someone cheats or is mean all the time it makes it easier to cut ties...when they come back with being sweet and nice...my heart and mind gets twisted.
I know you probably feel you were punched in the gut. Very painful I'm sure.
Hurt people hurt others....the desperation to fill that hole is so great nothing else matters.
If someone cheats or is mean all the time it makes it easier to cut ties...when they come back with being sweet and nice...my heart and mind gets twisted.
I know you probably feel you were punched in the gut. Very painful I'm sure.
Hurt people hurt others....the desperation to fill that hole is so great nothing else matters.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 433
It really does help to know how low he's sunk. I know that he is sick and doing sick things. It's helpful to realize that I am not as bad off as he is! I have my wits about me and can look at myself in the mirror every morning without feeling bad about things I have done. Having a sane and peaceful life is a wonderful gift. In spite of my pain, knowing that I am staying the course and living according to my principles makes everything bearable.
I talked to a friend on the phone a little while ago and he said, "How would you feel a year from now knowing that AX is dead? Because it's a very real possibility." (This friend was a long-time friend of the AX.) And I was able to say with clarity that it would be a tragedy, but that the AX would have done it to himself and that there is no stopping it.
Addiction is just terrible. So very, very sad. But I do believe that things are unfolding as they should.
I talked to a friend on the phone a little while ago and he said, "How would you feel a year from now knowing that AX is dead? Because it's a very real possibility." (This friend was a long-time friend of the AX.) And I was able to say with clarity that it would be a tragedy, but that the AX would have done it to himself and that there is no stopping it.
Addiction is just terrible. So very, very sad. But I do believe that things are unfolding as they should.
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 1,292
I was with my AX for 5 yrs and suspected him of cheating when he got sober, but never knew for sure. When I finally caught him, it's all the strength I needed to leave.
I've yet to know or meet an addict who's not cheated
I've yet to know or meet an addict who's not cheated
has left the building :)
Join Date: May 2012
Location: The Big City
Posts: 59
(((hugs))) CC :ghug3
Yes, it helps to know that the person we once loved and married isn't really the same person as this vile, repulsive, belligerent, deceitful, manipulative, argumentative, rude, pathological, destructive, sour, swollen, pathetic monster that's doing all these horrible, hurtful things. That great guy is long gone, and that makes it so much easier, if not a genuine relief, to just walk away, too.
Yes, it helps to know that the person we once loved and married isn't really the same person as this vile, repulsive, belligerent, deceitful, manipulative, argumentative, rude, pathological, destructive, sour, swollen, pathetic monster that's doing all these horrible, hurtful things. That great guy is long gone, and that makes it so much easier, if not a genuine relief, to just walk away, too.
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