Long overdue update
 

Hi SR friends,
I wanted to update everyone on some major life changes I've been going through over the last few months. I know I have eluded to them in posts here and there...but by laying it all out, like ady gil likes to say, it helps to hold myself accountable.

My RAH and I are divorcing. 18 months of sobriety for him, 2 years of Al-Anon recovery for me. And we still can't seem to get past a certain point in this marriage. That point is actually having a marriage, at least in regards to what it looks like to me. I finally realized after another painfully frustrating conversation that I wasn't being fair to either of us by waiting and hoping that things would magically turn around and we'd start having what I believe marriage is. To this day, I still don't understand a lot of things, like what happened to the man I fell in love with? Who was that man?! And how the man I ended up with can be so ignorant to what women want from men. To me, being kind and treating others well is easy and preferable. Putting my loved ones at the top of my priority list is second nature as a Mother, daughter, sister, lover, friend. But you see - this is how I think. This is what I value. And that's ok; but its not ok to expect someone else to think and value the same things as me.

I made a lot of compromises in this 5 year relationship. I changed a lot of things about the way I lived to accommodate this man into my life and family. And much of it I was ok with, as I believe it is what we do when we agree to share a life with another person. But there is a line where it becomes codependent, and I crossed that line too often, compromising myself in ways that I am not proud of nor comfortable with. And I didn't set a good example for my teenage daughters. For that I will always feel twinges of guilt.

I am angry, I admit that. Angry and bitter. But those emotions will pass in time, and I know myself well enough at this point to know I still believe in the best of people. Call me naive...I am ok with that. It is the person I want to be - trusting and believing. And realistic at the same time. I don't want to be cynical...for me life is no fun when I am always looking for the dark side.

My older daughter graduated from high school last week. I am so flippin proud! She is the success story I think of when I look back on my life; they both are.

I had to put my big old dog to sleep - the cancer was advancing quickly and I swore I would not let her suffer. She died peacefully, with her head in my lap. Her last breakfast was thick cut bacon - her favorite. I miss her.

The RAH and I bought a puppy two months ago, in anticipation of losing my two older dogs in the near future. It didn't go well. He can keep the puppy...the girls and I adopted an older pup from the pound a few weeks ago. He's a ham...and so happy! He was a stray who came in with a rubber band around his tail...some moron tried to dock the tail by cutting off the blood supply. People never cease to amaze me! Idiots. So after having tail surgery and being neutered, he is back to good health and is just a big lug. We enjoy him very much. I'll upload a photo later so everyone can meet Beau.

So life is good, over all. I hate that I have gone through all of this, but at the same time am glad for all the new lessons learned, and that I came through it with my good attitude intact. It isn't always easy. But thanks to Al-Anon and SR, I've learned so many new ways of coping and new perspectives on painful experiences. I am looking forward to a new chapter in my life!

Thanks all here who have carried me through the last 18 months. I plan to keep coming back! :c031:

~T

I admire your positive aspect as you go into the next chapter of your life. Congrats on the new addition. Would love to see pics.

Big grizzly hugs to you, and CONGRATULATIONS to your daughter on graduating!!!

I'm very impressed with how much work and thought you have put into this decision. And as you say, it isn't a selfish one -- it's a decision that values you and your RAH as individuals who have a right to pursue happiness along different paths.

I'm sure it won't be a walk in the park -- divorces seldom are -- but I'm also sure that it will be much easier because you have put so much thought into it. You know that what you are doing is the right thing, and that makes putting up with the bumps along the road that much less stressful, I imagine.

Beau and Lola
 

New pups in Tuffgirl family:

TG, don't look back with disappointment. You did the best you could with what you had at the time. There is no shame in that. You have learned and grown and become stronger and wiser than you were before. That is a cause for celebration. You did well.

((((hugs))))

Congrats to your daughter. She is now starting a new adventure.

And thank you for sharing your story. I truly understand how you feel as I'm going through the divorce thing as well. I just look at it this way. My real wife crawled into a vodka bottle about 15 years ago and drowned. The person who came out was not her no matter how much they looked alike.

Your friend,

Mike

Both so cute, but I just wanna eat that little chocolate puppy up.

Congrats to you. Your posts always inspire me. You are a success story.

Congrats. And I'm sorry. Whichever is best here.

Take care,

C-

Thanks so much for the update--I love reading your posts, and you should be proud of your growth.

I love those pups!! Have fun with them!

((TG))

Thanks for sharing your story ~ Be sure to take really good care of YOU as you walk thru the next few months ~ divorce is never easy - it takes an emotional toll on you ~ even when you know it is the healthy thing to do ~

I can relate to those feelings about your daughter - but remember as others have told me - from now on you are teaching her that it is NEVER too late to start making healthy choices in a relationship - so now she knows she is NEVER trapped and can always walk away if she gets herself in an unhealthy place.

Love the puppies ~ too sweet!!

PINK HUGS
Rita

Thanks all! It feels so much better just saying it out loud...been holding this one in for a month too long! ; )

Tuffgirl,

You sound so strong and determined. It takes courage to make a tough situation a positive experience. Your post made my eyes tear up a little I have to admit. I see in you the courage I am trying to channel in my own life and you are an inspiration.

Congrats on your baby becoming a graduate! Woohoo.

The pups are too cute.

Look forward to more words from you as you share your story of progression, not perfection!

The pups are gorgeous!

Tuff Girl, Crying reading your post. My RAH walked out on me after 8 mos off sobriety and I had been participating in Alanon and intensive outpatient program. I feel like he sucked the life out of me and then left me once he got sober. I am hurting like hell but you sound so healthy...its an inspiration...Thank You.

((TG))) - you are doing what is best for you. Yes, it hurts, yes it takes time to work through those feelings. I LOVE your furbabies!! I swear, my furbabies have kept me sane (and clean) more than a few times, and I am every so grateful.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

Who needs men when you have puppy love, right?!!

Seriously, though, even though endings are sad, beginnings are exciting. Your next chapter has just begun. My oldest graduated high school two years ago and she is thriving as an adult. I know yours will, too. My youngest graduates in two more years, then I get to be a kid again! As our fledglings depart the nest, it frees us up for some soaring adventures of our own. Start getting your wings in shape!

L

Congratulations. My RAH and I attempted to bring a puppy into the family in January. It drove us apart. The final straw. He just did not take up anymore responsibility for the dog than he does emotionally for anything else. We had been talking about fgetting rid of the pup, because I just could not do it alone, w our 7 year old, etc...

Now when I see people, and they ask if I got rid of the dog...I say I got rid of the husband instead, and the dog and I just clicked when he was gone.

Husband still gone.

Dog is going on 7 months old, now. She os my snuggle pal.

AGain, thanks for your warm replies.

I have to laugh - everyone says I sound strong, positive, happy, excited for the future, etc. And I am. But let me clarify what I have learned over the years...that's my choice. And I don't always feel that way, believe me. My last night: gearing up for minor surgery for the younger kid ($$$), puppy eats something in the woods and pukes all night, older kid informs me she thinks she has a cavity (more $$$), major report overdue at work and I haven't even started it, and I put on 10 lbs this winter because I didn't get out much. My back deck is heaving and one section of the house is too - now I have to find someone who has a house jack (WTF?!) and jack up the house ($$$) for more support. In the midst of helping Mom with her cataract surgery, family problems with crazy sister, and on and on and on.

So last night, I went out on the back deck with a beer (yes I still drink beer when I feel like it) and sat in the evening sunshine and LAUGHED! Because I choose not to cry anymore. I've done enough of that - crying and feeling defeated. Screw that...its no place to live. So I laugh and find my gratitude in what is going right instead. Its not easy, but for those of you out there feeling defeated, try laughing instead. Smile as much as you can. Smile at other people. Enjoy when they smile back at you.

B66 - love your post. ; ) Puppies (and animals in general) are work, but so worth it at the end of the day when they curl up next to you (or on you, as my puppy likes to do).

Hey TG, I have nothing to add. Everybody else beat me to the congratulations. Only thing I have to left to say is you got some _awesome_ recovery going on there. Thank you so much for being a part of SR and shining your light around here.

Mike :)