Awareness out of my therapy
 

I had a great therapy session earlier this week. I had recorded a fight I had with AH on Sunday(both Mother's Day and our wedding Anniversary). I played the first 10 minutes for her. She says, "Well, he's easy to diagnose. Talk about extreme narcissism." Ok, so that confirmed my suspicions for all these years but what was really important was that she was able to point out MY PART in the discussion we were having.

She asked me: What are you getting out of all of that? You must be getting something out of it to keep going and listen to him rant. I had to think about it and I realized that I get ATTENTION! Yep, my AH is emotionally unavailable and has no idea how to express real love(at least not on a regular basis) and I crave real interaction and attention. The only way I actually get it is by listening to his crap. Seriously??? I was appalled at how low I've gotten.

He ranted and raved about how he hated church. I asked him why did he start going back in the first place. His answer was this, "Well, you hadn't wanted to go for so long so..." So, in other words, I'm responsible for your spiritual walk and church experience??

The original argument was about how I talked too loud at lunch and that people were looking at me and then about how he threw a tantrum at the movie theater and was screaming at me. How on earth did we get to talking about church? He ranted about money, about how everyone on earth is stupid except for him, how every human on earth wants something from him, and then the church conversation. My therapist made it clear that neither one of us have any boundaries. She also wants me to honestly evaluate what I really want out of a marriage, what boundaries and limits I am willing to set and stick by, and why I have trouble expressing my emotions. I have to say that I am so glad I found her. I can tell that she will make me work hard and that she expects to see progress. I am really hoping that I gain a lot of self awareness from all this. Whether I stay married to this guy or not isn't even important. What matters is that I learn new ways to raise my self esteem and that I learn how to set boundaries and I can use those tools in all my relationships, not just a marriage.

Thank you so much for sharing your ESH, I am taking a lot of this for myself...thanks.

Keep going, sounds like your therapist is a competent one.

I'm so grateful for Thearpy!!! Your thread made me ask my self the same question...what do I get out of keeping in communication with a person who makes me feel unloved way more than loved???

Answer: the scraps he gives me feel like gold like an endorphin high...like a love surge and I don't go completely no contact waiting for that next fix.

That is low self esteem...we all deserve to love and feel love 100% of the time...along with respect and supported and cherished.

I guess I'm afraid I won't find it so I hang on to the scraps. I gotta let go of the branch in order to reach the ground but I'm scared I'll go splat.

Very proud of you that your main goal is working on your self esteem!! Have you tried yoga?