sweetteewalls

My AH that walked out on me Fri went to counseling tonight. He has 8 months sober but only 3 mos in recovery. He is so raw. I've been so angry at him since Fri but I realized in counseling that this isn't about me. He is in so much pain and depression which goes way beyond me. I don't believe I can do this anymore. This disease has sucked the life out of me.

FindingJoy

Completely understand how you are feeling my fellow SoCal Codie.
Addicts, toxic people, and those who just have no desire to improve their lives suck the life out of those around them if we let them. Most of us do...it's great that you recognize that you are drained and over it....and that this isn't healthy.

My XAB is sober almost 9 months and is almost as draining as he was when he was drinking. Like he has a hole of self hatred in his soul and no about of love can fill it. Me constantly trying just wears me out and really doesn't impact him.

It's time to put you first before more things fall apart in your life like your health....I went on anti depressants, passed out in a treadmill and went to hospital, had many sinus infections, walking pneumonia twice, extreme fatigue, random weight gain, adult acne, many sleepless nights and the domino effects that has....thankfully nothing I can't reverse or change.

cursive

I feel the same way regarding the life being sucked out of me. Every waking thought is put into this situation trying to make sense of it and make good choices.

webber1

Its strange..

I had so much hope when my partner came out of rehab.. I honestly thought the 3 months would given her the foundation of a happy life.

How wrong I was.. It wasnt till I dropped the fantasy of what I thought she was and saw her for her ( without the booze) that I saw a miserable selfish human being- Sober or not.

I think your on the right path.. Do what you have to do and be happy.

Seren

Family are just not qualified to handle and solve the problems of someone who struggles with addiction. Your husband is getting the help he needs and that's great! He has a long path ahead of him. I don't think anyone here can tell you whether or not he will be capable of a mature, loving relationship at some point in the future.

Please take good care of yourself! You get to decide now what is best for you.

sweetteewalls

I've been on a roller coaster today, all day. From hating, to loving, to missing, to filing for divorce....I hate who I have become. I hate feeling like I am nothing to him. It hurts.

cursive

Sounds like we are on the same roller coaster sweetteewalls.

I wish I had something wise to say to you but I am feeling all of that right now as well.

It tears my heart out to think that I am nothing to him

sweetteewalls

Right now my kids are finally asleep. I wrote in my journal while balling so much my tears ruined the pages. He is staying in some ghetto motel by the week. I feel like "how bad am I that he'd rather be there than in our little comfy home?"...then I remind myself he is sick. Its a constant mental battle all day long, all night long. I feel at times like I am losing the battle. My heart is so heavy right now. He actually said today he is not capable of anything. He just shut down and gave up after 8 months of sobriety. I feel stupid and foolish for thinking anything would ever change, like my love would somehow heal the broken man he was. I will always love him, always.

EnglishGarden

These are very honest, raw posts.They also confirm what I personally believe about addicts in early recovery: that they should live separately from their partners and that any relationship issues should be delayed for at minimum one year but ideally two.

The brain has been damaged in him. The heart has been damaged in her. The addict and the spouse cannot help each other, cannot attend to the other, until each is well. Both are so ill.

Recovery is very hard.

djayr

The brain has been damaged in him. The heart has been damaged in her.

So true, thank you.

angrywife

Sweet, I am going through the same thing right now. I just moved out of my home that I shared with AH. I learned awhile ago to stop blaming myself, but I keep asking myself how messed up is he that he chose alcohol over his family. I am so incredibly sad that this is happening. All I want more than anything is for us to be a family again, but without the booze. I love him so, so much.

sweetteewalls

Tonight my 4 yr old daughter said "I just want dad to come home." I said "me too babe". She said "Your his wife and I'm his daughter and we live here so this is where he should sleep". She is only 4...it broke my heart. It makes me so angry at him that he is missing our daughter and my life but I realize...he hates himself. No self-respecting man walks out on his family. He told me today he's incapable...I should believe him.