ABF coming out of rehab on sunday, should I break up with him?
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 18
ABF coming out of rehab on sunday, should I break up with him?
Some of you may have seen my previous posts. But I will try to quickly explain my relationship and would love some support and guidance, there are not many people I can talk to about this.
- I am 22, my bf is 23.
- We met in 2008 and I fell in love right away (I also wanted love at this time so bad) I knew he had a drinking problem from the beginning but I guess I ignored it (I was only 18 at the time)
- The first year was great but I noticed a loss of "spark" after the first year
- Our second year we moved across country together for school. I thought this would be the best time of my life- experiencing a new province together. I was so wrong. One of the first nights there we got into a huge fight (he is a fighter, I am a calm person who likes to talk things out). The cops were called at 7am because we were fighting so bad. I remember thinking in my "oh my god what have I done? Why I am here?". we fought all the time, and rarely went out in the new city we were in. He drank every single day. I became very depressed. We were together 24/7- lived togeher, and went to school together. We had no family or friends out there, just us.
- In 2011 we came back home. I moved back in with my dad, and he slept at my house every single night. I tried to get us out and do things- but same pattern- drinking everyday and he never wants to go out and do things.
- In December 2011 his parents went on vacation for a month. he has never been home alone before so the whole month of december he stayed at his parents house. On christmas day after not seeing him for 2 weeks we went to my moms house for dinner and back to my dads at night. That night he got mad at me for random reasons and broke up with me. I told him fine if thats what you want, and asked him to leave. he left and went home and went on my facebook account. He saw a msg from some random guy Ive never even met from June 2011 that said hey how are you? he called me screaming and yelling. Then he said he wanted to get back together and hes sorry.
- He told me in January that he spent the month of december not only binge drinking but doing hard drug binges everyday as welll.
- Since this time he has been depressed, and having bad anxiety attacks.
- In April the anxiety attacks got so bad that he had to go to the hospital, threatened suicide and became very violent (not with me, with doors, walls, etc).
- He checked himself into rehab on April 26. he was supposed to stay for 45 days.
- he has gotten into physical fights with other patients, doesnt like the 12 step program, admits hes an alcoholic/has a disease, but is in denial and thinks he can now control it. There is a 30 y/o heroin addict there who has told everyone they had sex (which I don't know if it happened or not, he denies).
- I have been so happy since he left. And it sounds bad but I have not missed him. i went to see him this past saturday and I have been really down, anxious and sad ever since. he was so angry and seemed so different.
- He is now coming home on Sunday May 20th and I am freaking out. I thought I had more time to figure out my feelings.
- Right now I feel like our relationship has gone its course and even if he were to come out a "changed" person it's just too late.
- I don't know how to handle this. I dont know what to say to him, or when the best time to tell him how I feel is. I am so confused.
- I know if I break up with him he will be completely destroyed and heart broken. But I also think it may be a good thing for both of us to grow as individuals. My dad told me today that I need to put myself first and think of my own happiness and not be with someone out of pity. He is so right. But after so long with this man I am kind of scared to let it all go.
Side Notes:
- I recently started talking to an old friend who has always had strong feelings for me. But timing never worked for us in the past. I can talk to him about everything- he is so supportive and says he just wants me to be happy wether its with my bf, by myself or with him. He says he will wait and be my friend while I figure everything out. he is such a great person- so sweet and kind, great listener, doesnt drink or do drugs, has his own home. I feel such a strong connection to him and weve only talked on the phone (I dont want to see anyone while I am still in a relationship).
- This has made me feel even more confused. I do NOT want to jump right into a serious relationship from this 3 1/2 year train wreck. It would not be fair to him or to me. I am so surprised by my feelings and dont know what to do. I also do not want this to affect how I handle things with my bf.
So thats in a nutshell whats going on. I am just so torn and confused.
- I am 22, my bf is 23.
- We met in 2008 and I fell in love right away (I also wanted love at this time so bad) I knew he had a drinking problem from the beginning but I guess I ignored it (I was only 18 at the time)
- The first year was great but I noticed a loss of "spark" after the first year
- Our second year we moved across country together for school. I thought this would be the best time of my life- experiencing a new province together. I was so wrong. One of the first nights there we got into a huge fight (he is a fighter, I am a calm person who likes to talk things out). The cops were called at 7am because we were fighting so bad. I remember thinking in my "oh my god what have I done? Why I am here?". we fought all the time, and rarely went out in the new city we were in. He drank every single day. I became very depressed. We were together 24/7- lived togeher, and went to school together. We had no family or friends out there, just us.
- In 2011 we came back home. I moved back in with my dad, and he slept at my house every single night. I tried to get us out and do things- but same pattern- drinking everyday and he never wants to go out and do things.
- In December 2011 his parents went on vacation for a month. he has never been home alone before so the whole month of december he stayed at his parents house. On christmas day after not seeing him for 2 weeks we went to my moms house for dinner and back to my dads at night. That night he got mad at me for random reasons and broke up with me. I told him fine if thats what you want, and asked him to leave. he left and went home and went on my facebook account. He saw a msg from some random guy Ive never even met from June 2011 that said hey how are you? he called me screaming and yelling. Then he said he wanted to get back together and hes sorry.
- He told me in January that he spent the month of december not only binge drinking but doing hard drug binges everyday as welll.
- Since this time he has been depressed, and having bad anxiety attacks.
- In April the anxiety attacks got so bad that he had to go to the hospital, threatened suicide and became very violent (not with me, with doors, walls, etc).
- He checked himself into rehab on April 26. he was supposed to stay for 45 days.
- he has gotten into physical fights with other patients, doesnt like the 12 step program, admits hes an alcoholic/has a disease, but is in denial and thinks he can now control it. There is a 30 y/o heroin addict there who has told everyone they had sex (which I don't know if it happened or not, he denies).
- I have been so happy since he left. And it sounds bad but I have not missed him. i went to see him this past saturday and I have been really down, anxious and sad ever since. he was so angry and seemed so different.
- He is now coming home on Sunday May 20th and I am freaking out. I thought I had more time to figure out my feelings.
- Right now I feel like our relationship has gone its course and even if he were to come out a "changed" person it's just too late.
- I don't know how to handle this. I dont know what to say to him, or when the best time to tell him how I feel is. I am so confused.
- I know if I break up with him he will be completely destroyed and heart broken. But I also think it may be a good thing for both of us to grow as individuals. My dad told me today that I need to put myself first and think of my own happiness and not be with someone out of pity. He is so right. But after so long with this man I am kind of scared to let it all go.
Side Notes:
- I recently started talking to an old friend who has always had strong feelings for me. But timing never worked for us in the past. I can talk to him about everything- he is so supportive and says he just wants me to be happy wether its with my bf, by myself or with him. He says he will wait and be my friend while I figure everything out. he is such a great person- so sweet and kind, great listener, doesnt drink or do drugs, has his own home. I feel such a strong connection to him and weve only talked on the phone (I dont want to see anyone while I am still in a relationship).
- This has made me feel even more confused. I do NOT want to jump right into a serious relationship from this 3 1/2 year train wreck. It would not be fair to him or to me. I am so surprised by my feelings and dont know what to do. I also do not want this to affect how I handle things with my bf.
So thats in a nutshell whats going on. I am just so torn and confused.
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 253
Originally Posted by 112408forever 
- I have been so happy since he left. ......................My dad told me today that I need to put myself first and think of my own happiness and not be with someone out of pity. He is so right. .
My daughter is only a few years older than you. Her ex boyfriend is now in jail for domestic violence and felony stalking. After reading your post, there is no good future with this person regardless of what he may tell you.
And as I am fond of telling my daughter...there is nothing wrong with taking a lot of time being alone and finding your happiness from within yourself first.
Listen to your Dad
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
You have not missed him because he is an abuser, and no one misses that.
He will not be heartbroken and destroyed when you break up with him (I would make it clean and short, that conversation). He will secretly be glad he doesn't have to navigate around you anymore to get to his drugs.
You have wasted some precious youth on this man. I wish for you the same energy and sincere focus on studying something you love, and making a wonderful life with good people. No druggies, no abusers, no liars, no cheaters, no slackers, no thieves. Good people. Like you.
He will not be heartbroken and destroyed when you break up with him (I would make it clean and short, that conversation). He will secretly be glad he doesn't have to navigate around you anymore to get to his drugs.
You have wasted some precious youth on this man. I wish for you the same energy and sincere focus on studying something you love, and making a wonderful life with good people. No druggies, no abusers, no liars, no cheaters, no slackers, no thieves. Good people. Like you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 18
Thank you so much everyone for your support. You have made me feel like I will be making the right decision for myself.
He is coming back Sunday night, his family wants me to come over for dinner. And I have plans on Monday w/ my dad (holiday here), and I wont be breaking them. I really don't even want to see him. And I realllly don't want to have sex with him. He already can feel me drifting away when we talk on the phone- he always asks if something is going on. Should I just go to the dinner and then go home that night. Then I will be out of town on Monday and then I could have a talk with him on Tuesday? One reason I want to go to the dinner on Sunday is that I have a few expensive things there and he is the type that would destroy it or not give it back to me.
Also, When the two of us went away for school our parents split the cost of rent for an apartment and food/spending money. His parents had online banking and my dad didn't so alto of times my bf would spend all the money on alcohol and have to make up excuses and get his parents to put the money in our account. His parents have kept a tally of everytime they did that and say my dad owes them $3000. I did the math and $20 per day on alcohol X 365 days= $7300. If this is brought up I will show them how much money he has spent in that one year away and also tell them how their son has been living off my dad the past year- he ate at my house, showered, did laundry which I'm sure must have ran up the water bill. So I am worried about all that, he is the type that wants revenge when someone "wrongs" him. Oh and there was never a written agreement, so this couldnt be brought to court or anything.
He is coming back Sunday night, his family wants me to come over for dinner. And I have plans on Monday w/ my dad (holiday here), and I wont be breaking them. I really don't even want to see him. And I realllly don't want to have sex with him. He already can feel me drifting away when we talk on the phone- he always asks if something is going on. Should I just go to the dinner and then go home that night. Then I will be out of town on Monday and then I could have a talk with him on Tuesday? One reason I want to go to the dinner on Sunday is that I have a few expensive things there and he is the type that would destroy it or not give it back to me.
Also, When the two of us went away for school our parents split the cost of rent for an apartment and food/spending money. His parents had online banking and my dad didn't so alto of times my bf would spend all the money on alcohol and have to make up excuses and get his parents to put the money in our account. His parents have kept a tally of everytime they did that and say my dad owes them $3000. I did the math and $20 per day on alcohol X 365 days= $7300. If this is brought up I will show them how much money he has spent in that one year away and also tell them how their son has been living off my dad the past year- he ate at my house, showered, did laundry which I'm sure must have ran up the water bill. So I am worried about all that, he is the type that wants revenge when someone "wrongs" him. Oh and there was never a written agreement, so this couldnt be brought to court or anything.
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Join Date: May 2008
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As was suggested to you in an earlier post, I would end the relationship before Sunday while he is still in rehab. That way he has support if he chooses to avail of it and secondly, you won't have to deal with him after Sunday.
As far as getting any of your belongings back from his parents house, go over tomorrow or Sat. with or without your Dad and pick them up. If his parents press you for the money, suggest they file a claim in small claims court and let a judge decide that.
As far as getting any of your belongings back from his parents house, go over tomorrow or Sat. with or without your Dad and pick them up. If his parents press you for the money, suggest they file a claim in small claims court and let a judge decide that.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
112,
Sorry I referred to "drugs" rather than alcohol in my post. I forgot which forum. But I'm sure you know what I meant.
The part about the money and the parents....I'm worried about your becoming caught up in that. Not knowing the personalities involved, I won't try to offer suggestions on the right course involving the so-called "debt" of $3000.
All I can say is that it is very unlikely your exabf's (ex, soon) parents will support your view of things, for many reasons, and I would not try to manage any part of the money situation. I would let the two sets of parents solve that. It was their choice, and the consequences of that choice will have to handled by them and not by you.
As to the possessions you refer to: Many of us have walked away from expensive homes, beautiful furniture, beloved pets, horses, high incomes, because it was necessary to put ourselves in a safe place away from a volatile, unpredictable addict. If you have to let the possessions go, try to keep perspective about why. Don't get caught in a power struggle with an addict.
It is usually very unwise to pretend to be someone other than who you are, in a situation which is completely false, in the company of people with unconscious agendas. I would re-think attending the Sunday night dinner.
I agree with gerryp. It seems much safer for you to make a clean break now.
Sorry I referred to "drugs" rather than alcohol in my post. I forgot which forum. But I'm sure you know what I meant.
The part about the money and the parents....I'm worried about your becoming caught up in that. Not knowing the personalities involved, I won't try to offer suggestions on the right course involving the so-called "debt" of $3000.
All I can say is that it is very unlikely your exabf's (ex, soon) parents will support your view of things, for many reasons, and I would not try to manage any part of the money situation. I would let the two sets of parents solve that. It was their choice, and the consequences of that choice will have to handled by them and not by you.
As to the possessions you refer to: Many of us have walked away from expensive homes, beautiful furniture, beloved pets, horses, high incomes, because it was necessary to put ourselves in a safe place away from a volatile, unpredictable addict. If you have to let the possessions go, try to keep perspective about why. Don't get caught in a power struggle with an addict.
It is usually very unwise to pretend to be someone other than who you are, in a situation which is completely false, in the company of people with unconscious agendas. I would re-think attending the Sunday night dinner.
I agree with gerryp. It seems much safer for you to make a clean break now.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 18
After hearing all of your suggestions to break up before Sunday and thinking about it, I think that is the right decision.
I just spoke to him on the phone. he said he can feel that ive pulled away and feels like this may be the end. he definitely knows its coming. I told him ive been so unhappy the past 6 months and that ive really loved spending time alone and concentrating on myself. I think I will do it before Sunday, maybe tomorrow. Everyone in my life who i've told about this situation says I will be doing the right thing for myself by ending it. I am also going to go to my grandparents and aunts house next week to get out of town for a little while and clear my head. And have some much needed family time with people who love and support me.
I am just so glad i found this sight (it was a week before he went to rehab). It has really made me see the big picture and think of my future. All of you who take the time to read and give your opinion are so appreciated, I could never express how much it has meant to me to be able to get advice from all of you. I will continue to post here and hopefully help other people going through something similar, and of course give updates on how I'm doing. Thank you everyone!!
I just spoke to him on the phone. he said he can feel that ive pulled away and feels like this may be the end. he definitely knows its coming. I told him ive been so unhappy the past 6 months and that ive really loved spending time alone and concentrating on myself. I think I will do it before Sunday, maybe tomorrow. Everyone in my life who i've told about this situation says I will be doing the right thing for myself by ending it. I am also going to go to my grandparents and aunts house next week to get out of town for a little while and clear my head. And have some much needed family time with people who love and support me
. I am just so glad i found this sight (it was a week before he went to rehab). It has really made me see the big picture and think of my future. All of you who take the time to read and give your opinion are so appreciated, I could never express how much it has meant to me to be able to get advice from all of you. I will continue to post here and hopefully help other people going through something similar, and of course give updates on how I'm doing. Thank you everyone!!
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