Really need some help with abf LONG POST
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Location: California
Posts: 51
Really need some help with abf LONG POST
My boyfriend and I have been together on and off for 2ish years. He has been an alcoholic the entire time I've known him. He also has a lot of emotional issues stemming from physical abuse (dad and brother) and abandonment as a child. He also has quite a few friends and relatives who have died. Since knowing him 3 or 4 people have died either by suicide or illness. He's severely depressed, anxious and angry. He hates life and God. He has been suicidal in the past but currently is not.
I broken up with him before because of his drinking. At the time he had no intentions of stopping and wanted to die. He would constantly say he wouldn't be alive much longer and would sort of "prepare" me on how to find a new boyfriend to take his place.
The love and connection we have for each other didn't diminish even though I refused to take his calls. I had no intention of getting back together with him as long as he was drinking and not getting help for his problems. I have major depression disorder and general anxiety disorder with enough problems on my plate that I actually deal with on a day to day basis. I go to therapy, see doctors, do research and actively try to be happy. I can't be with someone who won't do the same.
After over 6 months of being apart, he called me one night and for some reason I answered. He was having a really hard time, didn't know what to do and really needed to see me. He said he would understand if I said no that it was overstepping boundaries. I knew it must have been serious enough for him to call me like that so I said sure. I went to pick him up and he was drunk as a skunk and smelled to high heaven. People had told me he smelled before but I never noticed it until then (which I find kind of strange). He ended up telling me his life was out of control, he was really depressed and he had no where to go. He said he thought of me and was really glad that I answered the phone. I was able to calm him down, talk to him for a bit and then take him home.
He called me like a day or two later and told me he was going to move back to his hometown to get away but he really didn't want to do it because he wanted to be with me. He asked me if there was any way of getting back together. I thought about it for a day and always came back to the same conclusion: he drinks and I don't like that. So I told him that while I would LOVE to be with him, that I could not be with a drunk. He said he had some serious thinking to do and would get back to me. He got back to me and said that he was tired of his life the way it was going, wanted to be with me and wanted to get better, including quitting drinking. I said okay lets work this out.
His plan was to quit drinking New Years Day. He was drinking vodka (2.5 pints? per day)... his plan was to quit that and drink wine and gradually cut down on the wine to where he wasn't drinking anything. He was/is worried about seizures (he actually says "I'm worried about DTs"). He said if he goes into DTs he'll go to a doctor. He refuses to do something like AA because of the Higher Power part. He wants to do this on his own.
I have enough knowledge about recovery to know you can't do it alone. So I urged him to at least go to the doctor to get checked out and make a plan with the doctor along with getting medications to help him through detox. His response is always "I might have to do that" but I know he won't because he has said many times that he does not like going to the doctor. Oh, and forget about a rehab facility, that's just out of the question.
Months go by and he's still drinking wine all day. He drinks 6.5 bottles a day (1 box of wine). St Patty's Day comes and he tells me that he quit drinking and is going through withdraws. This is obviously good news to me and I encouraged him, supported him emotionally, etc. At this time we are long distance (still long distance now) so I can only know what is going on based on what he tells me and his pattern of calls. During this time I plan a trip to come visit and I have to say I was really excited to be with him as a sober person. A month goes by and he says he still isnt drinking but yes it is difficult and that he's still having withdraw symptoms. I was really proud of him.
The night before I was to leave for the trip he calls me and says he has to tell me something important. He tells me that he was having a really hard time that evening and he had 3 glasses of wine. I tried to find out what was bothering him and he didn't really give me a clear answer. I said "Well it's just three glasses. I expect there to be some relapses. But that's it right?" and he said "Well I'll be drinking while you're here. But at least I'm telling you about it." I asked him why all of a sudden he's drinking again and he says because he's having too hard of a time.
I thought about canceling my trip but I had other plans with other people and didn't want to let this ruin a good time with my friends. I expected him to be really happy to see me but when we saw each other at first he gave me a half hug and no kiss. I was really disappointed and worried. He looked like he hadn't showered in days, he smelled of wine and there were wine glasses all over the place. It didn't look like he had only been drinking for 1 day, rather he had been drinking the entire time I was gone. I expressed my concerns and he swears to this day that he was sober for a month. I told him that I wasn't happy that he started drinking again. I also told him that I wouldn't see him again until he was sober. Since coming home from the trip he has mentioned saving his money to pay for me to come up there and he hopes that will be soon. I told him again that he needs to be sober. He says "I know, I'm trying"
Skip to today. I called him when I got off work and he told me he wasn't good because he got into a fight. Unfortunately, this isn't surprising. He thinks he has to police the town by beating people up because the cops don't help. He tells me that this guy stole this other guy's backpack and stuff so he went to him and asked for it back, that it wasn't his. In response the guy hits him in the face which knocks him to the ground. He tells me that all he could think of at that point was "my mom and my girlfriend don't want me to fight" so he didn't fight back. He said the cops came and threatened to arrest him but then didn't arrest him because he didn't fight back. He said he was upset that he couldn't beat the guy up like he wanted to. He said he didn't do it because "I'm in love with you". He says he is not sure what happened to the other guy but doubts anything was done. He said if he sees the guy again that he will beat him up no doubt. I tried to explain that voilence isn't the answer that it doesn't do any good and no one learns a lesson from it. People don't go around beating people up all the time. He claims they do. He claims that's the only thing that will get someone to stop and that the law doesnt help. I asked him if he pressed charges against this guy who hit you so he could be put into jail. He said no he doesn't do that because he's a nice guy. So, he's a nice guy but will beat him up? Doesn't make any sense.
So basically during this conversation I was getting really frustrated, concern and somewhat angry at him. I told him that he needs some serious help. I continually asked him what he's doing to get better and he says "I'm trying" but doesn't tell me what that means. Then he started crying and said "This isn't a good time for me to talk. I'll talk to you soon?" By that time I was really frustrated and said bye, hanging up the phone without his response.
I tried calling him back a little bit later but I got his voice mail. I left him a message saying we have to have a serious talk, that I wasn't happy and I am not sure what to do anymore. I don't have faith that he'll get the message which really bothers me, too.
A lot of you will think "break up with him". My problem is I really do love him, care about him and want to be with him but not this way. Somewhere I got a suggestion to break up for a certain period of time so he can recover then reconvene to see if it could work. That if we're meant to be together then we will be. I'd like to think that if I were to do this he would essentially hit rock bottom and do whatever he can to recover. I mean, he does say that he wants to be with me and loves me, etc. so wouldn't that be devastating enough to want to get better to be with the one you love? But I am also afraid that it'll just make it worse for him. That he'll spiral out of control again, become suicidal and it'll just do more damage. I obviously don't want that to happen.
I don't want to break up with him, and sometimes for selfish reasons, but I really don't know if I can go on like this. I really need some help and guidance here. I don't want to screw this up.
I broken up with him before because of his drinking. At the time he had no intentions of stopping and wanted to die. He would constantly say he wouldn't be alive much longer and would sort of "prepare" me on how to find a new boyfriend to take his place.
The love and connection we have for each other didn't diminish even though I refused to take his calls. I had no intention of getting back together with him as long as he was drinking and not getting help for his problems. I have major depression disorder and general anxiety disorder with enough problems on my plate that I actually deal with on a day to day basis. I go to therapy, see doctors, do research and actively try to be happy. I can't be with someone who won't do the same.
After over 6 months of being apart, he called me one night and for some reason I answered. He was having a really hard time, didn't know what to do and really needed to see me. He said he would understand if I said no that it was overstepping boundaries. I knew it must have been serious enough for him to call me like that so I said sure. I went to pick him up and he was drunk as a skunk and smelled to high heaven. People had told me he smelled before but I never noticed it until then (which I find kind of strange). He ended up telling me his life was out of control, he was really depressed and he had no where to go. He said he thought of me and was really glad that I answered the phone. I was able to calm him down, talk to him for a bit and then take him home.
He called me like a day or two later and told me he was going to move back to his hometown to get away but he really didn't want to do it because he wanted to be with me. He asked me if there was any way of getting back together. I thought about it for a day and always came back to the same conclusion: he drinks and I don't like that. So I told him that while I would LOVE to be with him, that I could not be with a drunk. He said he had some serious thinking to do and would get back to me. He got back to me and said that he was tired of his life the way it was going, wanted to be with me and wanted to get better, including quitting drinking. I said okay lets work this out.
His plan was to quit drinking New Years Day. He was drinking vodka (2.5 pints? per day)... his plan was to quit that and drink wine and gradually cut down on the wine to where he wasn't drinking anything. He was/is worried about seizures (he actually says "I'm worried about DTs"). He said if he goes into DTs he'll go to a doctor. He refuses to do something like AA because of the Higher Power part. He wants to do this on his own.
I have enough knowledge about recovery to know you can't do it alone. So I urged him to at least go to the doctor to get checked out and make a plan with the doctor along with getting medications to help him through detox. His response is always "I might have to do that" but I know he won't because he has said many times that he does not like going to the doctor. Oh, and forget about a rehab facility, that's just out of the question.
Months go by and he's still drinking wine all day. He drinks 6.5 bottles a day (1 box of wine). St Patty's Day comes and he tells me that he quit drinking and is going through withdraws. This is obviously good news to me and I encouraged him, supported him emotionally, etc. At this time we are long distance (still long distance now) so I can only know what is going on based on what he tells me and his pattern of calls. During this time I plan a trip to come visit and I have to say I was really excited to be with him as a sober person. A month goes by and he says he still isnt drinking but yes it is difficult and that he's still having withdraw symptoms. I was really proud of him.
The night before I was to leave for the trip he calls me and says he has to tell me something important. He tells me that he was having a really hard time that evening and he had 3 glasses of wine. I tried to find out what was bothering him and he didn't really give me a clear answer. I said "Well it's just three glasses. I expect there to be some relapses. But that's it right?" and he said "Well I'll be drinking while you're here. But at least I'm telling you about it." I asked him why all of a sudden he's drinking again and he says because he's having too hard of a time.
I thought about canceling my trip but I had other plans with other people and didn't want to let this ruin a good time with my friends. I expected him to be really happy to see me but when we saw each other at first he gave me a half hug and no kiss. I was really disappointed and worried. He looked like he hadn't showered in days, he smelled of wine and there were wine glasses all over the place. It didn't look like he had only been drinking for 1 day, rather he had been drinking the entire time I was gone. I expressed my concerns and he swears to this day that he was sober for a month. I told him that I wasn't happy that he started drinking again. I also told him that I wouldn't see him again until he was sober. Since coming home from the trip he has mentioned saving his money to pay for me to come up there and he hopes that will be soon. I told him again that he needs to be sober. He says "I know, I'm trying"
Skip to today. I called him when I got off work and he told me he wasn't good because he got into a fight. Unfortunately, this isn't surprising. He thinks he has to police the town by beating people up because the cops don't help. He tells me that this guy stole this other guy's backpack and stuff so he went to him and asked for it back, that it wasn't his. In response the guy hits him in the face which knocks him to the ground. He tells me that all he could think of at that point was "my mom and my girlfriend don't want me to fight" so he didn't fight back. He said the cops came and threatened to arrest him but then didn't arrest him because he didn't fight back. He said he was upset that he couldn't beat the guy up like he wanted to. He said he didn't do it because "I'm in love with you". He says he is not sure what happened to the other guy but doubts anything was done. He said if he sees the guy again that he will beat him up no doubt. I tried to explain that voilence isn't the answer that it doesn't do any good and no one learns a lesson from it. People don't go around beating people up all the time. He claims they do. He claims that's the only thing that will get someone to stop and that the law doesnt help. I asked him if he pressed charges against this guy who hit you so he could be put into jail. He said no he doesn't do that because he's a nice guy. So, he's a nice guy but will beat him up? Doesn't make any sense.
So basically during this conversation I was getting really frustrated, concern and somewhat angry at him. I told him that he needs some serious help. I continually asked him what he's doing to get better and he says "I'm trying" but doesn't tell me what that means. Then he started crying and said "This isn't a good time for me to talk. I'll talk to you soon?" By that time I was really frustrated and said bye, hanging up the phone without his response.
I tried calling him back a little bit later but I got his voice mail. I left him a message saying we have to have a serious talk, that I wasn't happy and I am not sure what to do anymore. I don't have faith that he'll get the message which really bothers me, too.
A lot of you will think "break up with him". My problem is I really do love him, care about him and want to be with him but not this way. Somewhere I got a suggestion to break up for a certain period of time so he can recover then reconvene to see if it could work. That if we're meant to be together then we will be. I'd like to think that if I were to do this he would essentially hit rock bottom and do whatever he can to recover. I mean, he does say that he wants to be with me and loves me, etc. so wouldn't that be devastating enough to want to get better to be with the one you love? But I am also afraid that it'll just make it worse for him. That he'll spiral out of control again, become suicidal and it'll just do more damage. I obviously don't want that to happen.
I don't want to break up with him, and sometimes for selfish reasons, but I really don't know if I can go on like this. I really need some help and guidance here. I don't want to screw this up.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 8
Hi Anwa,
It seems to me that you have shown this man great love by being very clear about what is and isn't acceptable. I imagine that he knows that you are right and IMHO you are being hugely helpful to him and to yourself by sticking firmly to your guns. I respect your strength and awareness.
It took me years to find out, but in my experience getting on and enjoying my own life has been the best and most effective incentive in changing the way that my husband drinks (and helped me as well!). Look after yourself and try not to worry to much.
It seems to me that you have shown this man great love by being very clear about what is and isn't acceptable. I imagine that he knows that you are right and IMHO you are being hugely helpful to him and to yourself by sticking firmly to your guns. I respect your strength and awareness.
It took me years to find out, but in my experience getting on and enjoying my own life has been the best and most effective incentive in changing the way that my husband drinks (and helped me as well!). Look after yourself and try not to worry to much.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hello anwa, Welcome to SR!
For someone who struggles with addiction, there are many, many paths to sobriety including individual counseling and programs like SMART, LifeRing, and Rational Recovery--none of which involve a power higher than oneself.
One thing I have learned here on these boards and in the face-to-face meetings of Al-Anon is that alcoholism is progressive and the alcoholic is the only one who can halt its progress. Your friend will have to be the one to want sobriety with everything he has and do the lifelong work to both obtain and maintain it.
No amount of "atta boys", talking, reasoning, cajoling, arguing, pleading, tears, or guilt will get an addict or alcoholic to quit.
And if love could cure addiction, none of us would be here (quoted from Ann!).
Please make yourself at home here and read all you can about addiction and recovery. You have found a place where people really do understand.
For someone who struggles with addiction, there are many, many paths to sobriety including individual counseling and programs like SMART, LifeRing, and Rational Recovery--none of which involve a power higher than oneself.
One thing I have learned here on these boards and in the face-to-face meetings of Al-Anon is that alcoholism is progressive and the alcoholic is the only one who can halt its progress. Your friend will have to be the one to want sobriety with everything he has and do the lifelong work to both obtain and maintain it.
No amount of "atta boys", talking, reasoning, cajoling, arguing, pleading, tears, or guilt will get an addict or alcoholic to quit.
And if love could cure addiction, none of us would be here (quoted from Ann!).
Please make yourself at home here and read all you can about addiction and recovery. You have found a place where people really do understand.
Lord Have Mercy
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Upper Midwest
Posts: 242
I mean, he does say that he wants to be with me and loves me, etc. so wouldn't that be devastating enough to want to get better to be with the one you love?
Welcome and thanks for posting! On this board you will find hundreds of stories like yours. You are not alone and your mixed feelings of disappointment, confusion, frustration, wanting to help, and trying to be optimistic, are normal.
I recommend reading as many posts as you can. It will give you an idea how this works out most of the time.
The answer to the question in purple is NO.
It took me 17 years to figure that out. The truly incredible stories, excuses, lying, and do it yourself approach to quitting, not wanting to see doctors, weaning off, and "trying", is sad.
Al anon and this board are a good place to talk about your feelings. How is all of this making YOU feel?
Welcome and thanks for posting! On this board you will find hundreds of stories like yours. You are not alone and your mixed feelings of disappointment, confusion, frustration, wanting to help, and trying to be optimistic, are normal.
I recommend reading as many posts as you can. It will give you an idea how this works out most of the time.
The answer to the question in purple is NO.
It took me 17 years to figure that out. The truly incredible stories, excuses, lying, and do it yourself approach to quitting, not wanting to see doctors, weaning off, and "trying", is sad.
Al anon and this board are a good place to talk about your feelings. How is all of this making YOU feel?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Location: California
Posts: 51
I'm really frustrated, angry, concerned, depressed. I struggle to understand what is going on with him. I feel like if I were to break up with him that I would be just as devastated as he will be. I feel like I have to be the one to support both he and myself. He is relying on me for his happiness. That's a huge burden. I feel if I were to give up on him that would mean I'm a mean and uncaring person which I am not. I want a normal life with him but I feel like I can't have one. I feel like I don't deserve to have a normal relationship with someone. I'm really confused and don't want to make the wrong choice. I don't really know what else I can do.
He says he needs me to stick with him, that we'll work this out, that he loves me and wants to be with me. He says I'm really important to him. I don't want to hurt him or make things worse for him. But I really just don't know what to do anymore. I can't go on feeling this way for much longer. I need a change. I need patience. I need guidance. I need help.
He says he needs me to stick with him, that we'll work this out, that he loves me and wants to be with me. He says I'm really important to him. I don't want to hurt him or make things worse for him. But I really just don't know what to do anymore. I can't go on feeling this way for much longer. I need a change. I need patience. I need guidance. I need help.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Originally Posted by anwa 
He is relying on me for his happiness. That's a huge burden.
It is not "mean" to consider your own happiness and to consider what is best for you.
Is it fair for you to give up your entire life and every last ounce of happiness to support him so that HE will be happy? I don't know how you would answer that question, but I would say no.
Is it fair that you worry, fret, pace the floor because of his addiction when it's clear that he is not ready to be done yet? Again, I would say no.
I hope you will come to realize that you are a person worthy of happiness, peace, and true joy!
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the SR family!
I hope you will continue reading, sharing, venting and posting as much as needed. We understand and we are here to support you.
I am always finding words of wisdom in the "sticky" posts at the top of this forum page. The sticky posts are posts by members that have helped others through the sharing of experience, strength and hope (ES&H).
One of the Sticky posts I frequently re-read contains Hooks that can keep my caught up in relationships without boundaries. It contains these common hooks:
6. Need to be Needed
Maybe you get hooked by the sense of being depended upon or needed by your relationship partners. There is no reason to feel responsible for your relationship partners if they let you know that they are dependent upon and need you for their life to be successful and fulfilled. This is over‑dependency and is unhealthy. It is impossible to have healthy intimacy with overdependent people because there is no give and take. Your relationship partners could be parasites sucking you dry of everything you have intellectually, emotionally and physically. You get nothing in return except the "good feelings" of doing something for your relationship partners. You get no real healthy nurturing, rather you feel the weight of your relationship partners on your shoulders, neck and back. You give and give of yourself to address the needs of your relationship partners and you have nothing left to give to yourself. The rational message needed to establish healthy boundaries from this hook is: "It is unhealthy for me to be so overly depended upon by my relationship partners who are adults. There is a need for me to be clear what I am willing and not willing to do for my relationship partners. There is a need for my relationship partners to become more independent from me so that I can maintain my own sense of identity, worth and personhood. It would be better for me to let go of the need to be needed than to allow my relationship partners to continue to have such dependency on me. I am only responsible for taking care of myself. Human adults are responsible to accept personal responsibility for their own lives. Supporting my relationship partners intellectually, emotionally and physically where I have nothing left to give to myself is unhealthy and not required in healthy relationships and I will be ALERT to when I am doing this and try to stop it immediately."
7. Belief that Time will Make it Better
Maybe you get hooked by the belief that: "If I give it enough time things will change to be the way I want them to be." You have waited a long time to have healthy intimate relationships, you rationalize: "Don't give up on them too soon." Since you are not sure how to have them or how they feel, you rationalize that maybe what the relationships need is more time to become more healthy and intimate. You find yourself giving more and more of yourself and waiting longer and longer for something good to happen and yet things never get better. You find that your wait goes from being counted by days, weeks or months to years. Time passes and things really never get better. What keeps hooking you are those fleeting moments when the relationships approximate what you would like them to be. These fleeting moments feel like centuries and they are sufficient to keep you holding on. The rational message needed to establish healthy boundaries from this hook is: "It is unhealthy for me to sacrifice large portions of my life, invested in relationships which are not going anywhere. It is unhealthy for me to hold on to the belief that things will change if they have not in 1 or more years. It is OK to set time limits in my relationships such as: if in 3 months or 6 months things do not get to be intimately healthier then I am getting out of them or we will need to seek professional help to work it out. It is OK to put time demands on my relationships so that I do not waste away my life waiting for something which in all probability will never happen. It is not OK for me to blow out of proportion those fleeting moments in my relationships which make me believe that there is anything more in them than there really is."
Here is a link to the original post if you wish to read more about these Hooks that keep us in relationships:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...tionships.html
I hope you will continue reading, sharing, venting and posting as much as needed. We understand and we are here to support you.
I am always finding words of wisdom in the "sticky" posts at the top of this forum page. The sticky posts are posts by members that have helped others through the sharing of experience, strength and hope (ES&H).
One of the Sticky posts I frequently re-read contains Hooks that can keep my caught up in relationships without boundaries. It contains these common hooks:
6. Need to be Needed
Maybe you get hooked by the sense of being depended upon or needed by your relationship partners. There is no reason to feel responsible for your relationship partners if they let you know that they are dependent upon and need you for their life to be successful and fulfilled. This is over‑dependency and is unhealthy. It is impossible to have healthy intimacy with overdependent people because there is no give and take. Your relationship partners could be parasites sucking you dry of everything you have intellectually, emotionally and physically. You get nothing in return except the "good feelings" of doing something for your relationship partners. You get no real healthy nurturing, rather you feel the weight of your relationship partners on your shoulders, neck and back. You give and give of yourself to address the needs of your relationship partners and you have nothing left to give to yourself. The rational message needed to establish healthy boundaries from this hook is: "It is unhealthy for me to be so overly depended upon by my relationship partners who are adults. There is a need for me to be clear what I am willing and not willing to do for my relationship partners. There is a need for my relationship partners to become more independent from me so that I can maintain my own sense of identity, worth and personhood. It would be better for me to let go of the need to be needed than to allow my relationship partners to continue to have such dependency on me. I am only responsible for taking care of myself. Human adults are responsible to accept personal responsibility for their own lives. Supporting my relationship partners intellectually, emotionally and physically where I have nothing left to give to myself is unhealthy and not required in healthy relationships and I will be ALERT to when I am doing this and try to stop it immediately."
7. Belief that Time will Make it Better
Maybe you get hooked by the belief that: "If I give it enough time things will change to be the way I want them to be." You have waited a long time to have healthy intimate relationships, you rationalize: "Don't give up on them too soon." Since you are not sure how to have them or how they feel, you rationalize that maybe what the relationships need is more time to become more healthy and intimate. You find yourself giving more and more of yourself and waiting longer and longer for something good to happen and yet things never get better. You find that your wait goes from being counted by days, weeks or months to years. Time passes and things really never get better. What keeps hooking you are those fleeting moments when the relationships approximate what you would like them to be. These fleeting moments feel like centuries and they are sufficient to keep you holding on. The rational message needed to establish healthy boundaries from this hook is: "It is unhealthy for me to sacrifice large portions of my life, invested in relationships which are not going anywhere. It is unhealthy for me to hold on to the belief that things will change if they have not in 1 or more years. It is OK to set time limits in my relationships such as: if in 3 months or 6 months things do not get to be intimately healthier then I am getting out of them or we will need to seek professional help to work it out. It is OK to put time demands on my relationships so that I do not waste away my life waiting for something which in all probability will never happen. It is not OK for me to blow out of proportion those fleeting moments in my relationships which make me believe that there is anything more in them than there really is."
Here is a link to the original post if you wish to read more about these Hooks that keep us in relationships:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...tionships.html
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
Originally Posted by anwa
I'm really frustrated, angry, concerned, depressed. I struggle to understand what is going on with him. I feel like if I were to break up with him that I would be just as devastated as he will be. I feel like I have to be the one to support both he and myself. He is relying on me for his happiness. That's a huge burden. I feel if I were to give up on him that would mean I'm a mean and uncaring person which I am not. I want a normal life with him but I feel like I can't have one. I feel like I don't deserve to have a normal relationship with someone. I'm really confused and don't want to make the wrong choice. I don't really know what else I can do.
He says he needs me to stick with him, that we'll work this out, that he loves me and wants to be with me. He says I'm really important to him. I don't want to hurt him or make things worse for him. But I really just don't know what to do anymore. I can't go on feeling this way for much longer. I need a change. I need patience. I need guidance. I need help.
He says he needs me to stick with him, that we'll work this out, that he loves me and wants to be with me. He says I'm really important to him. I don't want to hurt him or make things worse for him. But I really just don't know what to do anymore. I can't go on feeling this way for much longer. I need a change. I need patience. I need guidance. I need help.
My name is Beth and I am a recovering alcoholic and I have a major depressive disorder.
Please, for your own mental health back up and take care of yourself.
You most certainly DO deserve a normal balanced happy relationship with someone. I can tell you have done much work on you, it is not easy (damn hard) to get out of that depressive abyss.
He is in an abyss, the abyss of alcoholism, and he will pull you in with him.
If he loved himself (and he must do that in order to love you) he would do whatever it takes to get well. He cannot use you to pull him out. He has to do that himself, for himself.
It will be hard on both of you if you break up, but think about the future.
You want a normal life. You have worked hard to get out of depression.
He wants to be a drunk, and he wants you to support him in being a drunk.
If you take that job, supporting a drunk, you will be blamed for everything that goes wrong with his life. As a fellow depressive, I know how easy it would be for you to pick up that mess and forget to take care of yourself.
As an alcoholic, I did not care who got hurt. I wanted to drink. That was it.
My ex husband drank with me, we were stuck together like glue with our sickness.
He has already told you straight up he will NOT do anything about his problem.
No AA for him, no rehab for him, he will moderate. That is a joke among us drunks, if I could moderate, I would not need AA or rehab. He has already failed at that. He actually blames a drunken fight that he lost on you and his mother.
Anwa, do you have a psychiatrist that you have an ongoing relationship with?Checking your meds or something? If not, I ask that you speak to a doctor about your relationship. Be honest about his drinking, and see what the doctor says. Please don't hand over your wellness, that you worked for to a man who will keep you down and use you until nothing is left.
You must be selfish when you have a depressive disorder, selfish for your well being.
Beth
Sorry, I think I rambled some, but you can PM me if you want.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Location: California
Posts: 51
I just talked to him and now I'm crying. I attempted to set a "deadline" for things to get better. I was thinking 6 months. I think that if he can't improve in 6 months then we need to go our separate ways. He really didn't like that and said if I didn't want to be with him then I need to tell him now. I said I wanted to be with him but I can't be with an alcoholic. He says "well I'm working on that. I've gotten better. I can tell by how much wine is left in the box" He says he really needs me to stick with him. He says he needs unconditional love. I told him that I love him but unconditional love comes from animals, not humans. He said "Then I need to think about this. I am going now." and hung up. Now I'm afraid I completely screwed this up, have hurt him and he's going to break up with me. Right now he's all I feel I have. I think about him constantly and want to talk to him as much as possible. We have great conversations and compliment each other well. I feel comfortable talking to him about my feelings without fear of stigma or anger or something like that. If we break up, I'm going to be all alone. I will have nothing to look forward to every day. I won't get his advice and insight on things. I'm really crying hard right now because I'm afraid.
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
I go to therapy, see doctors, do research and actively try to be happy. I can't be with someone who won't do the same.
I knew it must have been serious enough for him to call me like that so I said sure. I went to pick him up and he was drunk as a skunk and smelled to high heaven. People had told me he smelled before but I never noticed it until then (which I find kind of strange). He ended up telling me his life was out of control, he was really depressed and he had no where to go. He said he thought of me and was really glad that I answered the phone. I was able to calm him down, talk to him for a bit and then take him home.
Yep, I bet he was glad you answered the phone, he has another chance to run you over emotionally.
It didn't look like he had only been drinking for 1 day, rather he had been drinking the entire time I was gone. I expressed my concerns and he swears to this day that he was sober for a month
And still lies about it. Alcoholics lie about how much they drink.
I mean, he does say that he wants to be with me and loves me, etc. so wouldn't that be devastating enough to want to get better to be with the one you love? But I am also afraid that it'll just make it worse for him. That he'll spiral out of control again, become suicidal and it'll just do more damage. I obviously don't want that to happen.
You have no control over him, you cannot cure him and you cannot change him.
Stop listening to the words anwa. They mean nothing.
Watch his actions. His actions are drinking and lying to you about it.
I hope you do more reading here anwa. There is much to be learned if you want to save yourself from heartbreak or worse falling into the abyss again.
I'm really crying hard right now because I'm afraid.
Beth
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Originally Posted by wicked
Why are you afraid? Afraid of losing him? If he has been drunk the whole time you have known him, you NEVER had him.
I'm sorry you are afraid of losing him but it sounds as though he is not going to be capable of participating in an adult, loving relationship for a while. Right now, drinking is absolutely No. 1 and all else comes in a distant 2nd place.
He is not angry because "you are being judgmental" and are supposed to "love him unconditionally", his disease is angry that it is being threatened. An active alcoholic is capable of doing whatever, saying whatever in order to protect the drinking. Your friend simply believes that he cannot live without drinking--that is how far gone his mind is.
Will he ever come back from that? I don't know and no one here can tell you. It is possible, but the pain from the consequences of his drinking has to be greater than the pain of not being able to drink anymore.
Please know that none of this is your fault and you are not responsible for fixing him, making it better for him, or making him happy. But you can be happy again.....please stick around, keep reading, keep posting. We are open all the time.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
"A lot of you will think "break up with him". My problem is I really do love him, care about him and want to be with him but not this way."
When you accept the consequences of his drinking, this is how you get to live.
You are now living on the roller coaster from hell.
It took along time for me to understand that there was absolutly nothing I could do to help XA. It's coming up on a year that I ended that toxic situation. Guess what?? He's still drinking like a fish. Had I stayed another year, in hope of change, it would have just been an additional year of my life wasted.
Time to make yourself the focus of YOUR life.
Change begins with you.
When you accept the consequences of his drinking, this is how you get to live.
You are now living on the roller coaster from hell.
It took along time for me to understand that there was absolutly nothing I could do to help XA. It's coming up on a year that I ended that toxic situation. Guess what?? He's still drinking like a fish. Had I stayed another year, in hope of change, it would have just been an additional year of my life wasted.
Time to make yourself the focus of YOUR life.
Change begins with you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Location: California
Posts: 51
I thank you all for what you've had to say. I really appreciate your responses. Its really nice to know people care and are willing to offer insight.
I'm really struggling with the thought of breaking it off. I know its probably the best thing to do for the both of us but I'm really afraid of doing it. The last time I broke up with him it was a hasty decision. I was severely depressed for months afterwards and never really got happy again until we got back together. I tried making new friends and dating new people but I wasn't getting anywhere with that. I feel as though we are soul mates--how could I ditch my soul mate?
I've tried calling him several times with no answer. I left a message asking him to call before I go to work (an hour from now). The thought of not talking to him before work is painful. I'm already struggling to go to work for my own reasons and this on top of it makes it even worse. I really don't know how to recover from this and be happy on my own. I've been alone most of my life and I hate it. Its really hard to go to work and put a smile on my face and not run to the bathroom and cry.
I just started therapy with a new therapist yesterday but we haven't talked about anything yet. I'll be going again next week. Seems like forever from now. I'm not sure how I'm going to handle it if we break up. I live with my parents and I'm afraid to tell them what's going on with me because they have been hard on me in the past. "Get over it" "Get off the couch" etc... I really can't handle comments like that right now.
Again, thanks for your responses. I really need some words of encouragement and hope for my future with or without him.
I'm really struggling with the thought of breaking it off. I know its probably the best thing to do for the both of us but I'm really afraid of doing it. The last time I broke up with him it was a hasty decision. I was severely depressed for months afterwards and never really got happy again until we got back together. I tried making new friends and dating new people but I wasn't getting anywhere with that. I feel as though we are soul mates--how could I ditch my soul mate?
I've tried calling him several times with no answer. I left a message asking him to call before I go to work (an hour from now). The thought of not talking to him before work is painful. I'm already struggling to go to work for my own reasons and this on top of it makes it even worse. I really don't know how to recover from this and be happy on my own. I've been alone most of my life and I hate it. Its really hard to go to work and put a smile on my face and not run to the bathroom and cry.
I just started therapy with a new therapist yesterday but we haven't talked about anything yet. I'll be going again next week. Seems like forever from now. I'm not sure how I'm going to handle it if we break up. I live with my parents and I'm afraid to tell them what's going on with me because they have been hard on me in the past. "Get over it" "Get off the couch" etc... I really can't handle comments like that right now.
Again, thanks for your responses. I really need some words of encouragement and hope for my future with or without him.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
I recommend getting a copy of "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. It may be available at your local library, and I have had luck finding used copies at book stores and on-line.
Her book is easy to read with practical information. She even wrote a chapter on grieving the loss of relationships.
The depression is real and part of the process of moving away from what we were accustomed to and moving onto another phase in our life. It helped me to identify the different stages of grief as I passed through them (sometimes all in one day).
Codependency is something I have struggled with for years. I am currently re-reading that book for the ??? time. It has helped me in personal relationship, business relationships, family relationships and my relationship with ME.
Her book is easy to read with practical information. She even wrote a chapter on grieving the loss of relationships.
The depression is real and part of the process of moving away from what we were accustomed to and moving onto another phase in our life. It helped me to identify the different stages of grief as I passed through them (sometimes all in one day).
Codependency is something I have struggled with for years. I am currently re-reading that book for the ??? time. It has helped me in personal relationship, business relationships, family relationships and my relationship with ME.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 2
I'm new to this site but after reading your post felt I had to write some words. I left my alcoholic fiancé a month ago. Like most people on this site I had the promises of changes over and over again. But of course it didn't happen. Leaving was the best thing I ever did.
Yes of course no one wants to be alone but leaving made me realise I was alone all that time in the relationship. Time after time I was let down and promises were broken. Getting out of the situation puts things into perspective - like others have said listen to the actions not the words. He isn't getting better - his actions are showing that. Another great post I read on this site was about loving your partners potential I.e. "things could be so great between us IF only he'd stop drinking" "he's so sweet when he's sober we have conversations for hours" etc. the point is he's NOT sober. And how would you like it if someone loved you for your potential rather than just plain old you? The fact is, he's a drunk. He will not change unless something in his life changes dramatically enough that he wants to get sober. Remember, actions not words. Telling you he wants to get sober is not getting sober. Doing it is.
Take some time out of work - take sick leave. Stress is a sickness. Spend time with family and friends and get yourself on track. Make yourself that strong person again. You can do it. Hope this helped a bit.
Bella x
Yes of course no one wants to be alone but leaving made me realise I was alone all that time in the relationship. Time after time I was let down and promises were broken. Getting out of the situation puts things into perspective - like others have said listen to the actions not the words. He isn't getting better - his actions are showing that. Another great post I read on this site was about loving your partners potential I.e. "things could be so great between us IF only he'd stop drinking" "he's so sweet when he's sober we have conversations for hours" etc. the point is he's NOT sober. And how would you like it if someone loved you for your potential rather than just plain old you? The fact is, he's a drunk. He will not change unless something in his life changes dramatically enough that he wants to get sober. Remember, actions not words. Telling you he wants to get sober is not getting sober. Doing it is.
Take some time out of work - take sick leave. Stress is a sickness. Spend time with family and friends and get yourself on track. Make yourself that strong person again. You can do it. Hope this helped a bit.
Bella x
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
The happiness you are seeking, resides within you.
We have to be comfortable in our own skin, we must love and respect ourselves.
You will never find what you are searching for in another person.
Best to get yourself to a healthy place first.
Best wishes on your personal journey of self discovery.
We have to be comfortable in our own skin, we must love and respect ourselves.
You will never find what you are searching for in another person.
Best to get yourself to a healthy place first.
Best wishes on your personal journey of self discovery.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Location: California
Posts: 51
Bella, thanks for your response. My bf is really my fiance but I'm not really keen on the whole idea of calling him that when I have no idea if it'll actually happen. He asked me on his birthday in January and while we had our moment of happiness, reality set in. He wanted to get married in April. He said he was going to save money for a ring, get a job and we'd marry. I never believed that it would happen that quickly (in fact it scared me and I had trouble telling him that) and it didn't. He hasn't given me a ring (well, techinically he gave me a ring recently but its nothing special and there's no meaning behind it--he just gave it to me because someone gave it to him), he hasn't gotten a job and he's still drinking.
We're really rocky right now. He's very upset and depressed. I talked to him before work, got no where with what I was trying to say, and haven't gotten ahold of him since. I tried on my break. When I got home I called and his Mom said he was asleep. She sounded kind of strange so I'm not sure if that was the truth or not.
I'm realizing that his Mother is completely enabling him and is dependent on him being home with her. He's kind of a mama's boy. He refuses to leave her even though she abandoned him for months at a time as a child. She would go to take care of her parents when they were elderly and sick a few hours away and would leave him at home by himself with some money. I think he said he was about 7 or 8. I've heard her deny "abandoning" him. Her reasoning is "He didn't want to go." But anyway, she houses him, buys him everything he needs including wine and drinks along with him. She's 70. Her brother died of liver cancer from drinking. I know she doesn't want my bf to drink but doesn't really do anything about it. Occationally, I'd hear them arguing and the word "wine" or "drinking" would come up. I never ask him about these arguements but when I was living there for 2 weeks they had enough of them for me to know she wasn't happy with him.
At this point, I'm on the fence. My head tells me to break up but my heart tells me to stay. So I'm not quite sure what is going to happen. Bella, I ask you what was it that made you make the decision to leave? What was your breaking point and how did you manage emotionally?
Oh, and I'd love to do a sick leave but I can't. I work hourly, not enough hours, too many bills to pay and my parents would likely not understand/support it (I'm currently living with them).
We're really rocky right now. He's very upset and depressed. I talked to him before work, got no where with what I was trying to say, and haven't gotten ahold of him since. I tried on my break. When I got home I called and his Mom said he was asleep. She sounded kind of strange so I'm not sure if that was the truth or not.
I'm realizing that his Mother is completely enabling him and is dependent on him being home with her. He's kind of a mama's boy. He refuses to leave her even though she abandoned him for months at a time as a child. She would go to take care of her parents when they were elderly and sick a few hours away and would leave him at home by himself with some money. I think he said he was about 7 or 8. I've heard her deny "abandoning" him. Her reasoning is "He didn't want to go." But anyway, she houses him, buys him everything he needs including wine and drinks along with him. She's 70. Her brother died of liver cancer from drinking. I know she doesn't want my bf to drink but doesn't really do anything about it. Occationally, I'd hear them arguing and the word "wine" or "drinking" would come up. I never ask him about these arguements but when I was living there for 2 weeks they had enough of them for me to know she wasn't happy with him.
At this point, I'm on the fence. My head tells me to break up but my heart tells me to stay. So I'm not quite sure what is going to happen. Bella, I ask you what was it that made you make the decision to leave? What was your breaking point and how did you manage emotionally?
Oh, and I'd love to do a sick leave but I can't. I work hourly, not enough hours, too many bills to pay and my parents would likely not understand/support it (I'm currently living with them).
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Location: California
Posts: 51
Originally Posted by Pelican
I recommend getting a copy of "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. It may be available at your local library, and I have had luck finding used copies at book stores and on-line.
Her book is easy to read with practical information. She even wrote a chapter on grieving the loss of relationships.
The depression is real and part of the process of moving away from what we were accustomed to and moving onto another phase in our life. It helped me to identify the different stages of grief as I passed through them (sometimes all in one day).
Codependency is something I have struggled with for years. I am currently re-reading that book for the ??? time. It has helped me in personal relationship, business relationships, family relationships and my relationship with ME.
Her book is easy to read with practical information. She even wrote a chapter on grieving the loss of relationships.
The depression is real and part of the process of moving away from what we were accustomed to and moving onto another phase in our life. It helped me to identify the different stages of grief as I passed through them (sometimes all in one day).
Codependency is something I have struggled with for years. I am currently re-reading that book for the ??? time. It has helped me in personal relationship, business relationships, family relationships and my relationship with ME.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 253
Originally Posted by anwa
At this point, I'm on the fence. My head tells me to break up but my heart tells me to stay. So I'm not quite sure what is going to happen.
Anyway, many years ago I was faced with the same dilemna you have now. My head told me to run but my heart told me to stay. I followed my heart and am married to my wife whom I still love dearly.
She is not physically violent but I will tell you that living with an alcoholic will suck the life out of you. You will live a life of being the mistress to your fiance/husband because his first love will always be the next drink. My wife's physical and mental health is finally catching up to her. She no longer works and we don't have medical insurance for the huge bills I am incurring to keep her alive while she spends money on alcohol trying to kill herself. She is dying and it hurts me deeply watching her die while pouring herself another drink.
I'm not going to tell you whether to follow your head or your heart. You will do what you need to do but, if you follow your heart, I just wanted to share with you what can happen to your life. I made my decision and I will live with it. I came here for help because I was in a very deep hole of despair and the people here on this forum has helped me to understand her disease and to help me cope with my codendency.
Everyone here has been where you are now and is trying to save you from a life of misery and despair. Please read all the stickeys and our stories. I hope you follow your head and their advice because all I really care about is that you are able to live a life of happiness and peace.
I truly wish you well.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 2
You ask me what made me leave. Well, that's a hard question to answer! I had left a couple of times as we all do, thinking that that might kick start him into getting himself better. I'd always come back and we'd have the same old tired conversations promising to get well and admitting he had a problem. Naively I thought that because he was admitting he had a problem he was on the road to getting better. Yes it's true that admitting you have a problem is the hardest part and the first step on the road to recovery. But thinking back to it now I think he was telling me what I wanted to hear. Having his cake ad eating it. Why would he want me to leave? I was looking after him and organising his day to say life. Life wouldve been more difficult if I'd gone.
It was the final straw which gave me the strength to leave a few Sundays ago. I was at work and he came in to tell me he was going to see his friends in a bar as one was leaving to go abroad. At this point he'd been sober for 5 weeks. I just had that sickening feeling in my stomach that I knew he was going to drink. The all consuming dread you feel. I asked him, begged him, not to. He promised he wouldn't. I got home a few hours later and he wasn't back yet. I texted him asking him where he was and he said he was staying a bit later. And then half an hour later, a bit later. I asked him to call me and he said he needed space. I rang him once more and he didn't answer and then sent me a message saying "don't phone me". At that point I got my stuff and left. I knew he'd been drinking from his responses. I guess I just thought **** you! I've been trying my hardest fighting for you and us taking you to counselling for the drink and you still won't stop. I realised he'd chosen alcohol over our relationship. Well, that's absolutely fine. He's welcome to choose alcohol. But I'll be damned if I'm staying around when someone loves a drug more than me.
Leaving wasnt the hardest part. Not going back is the hardest. You don't sound ready to leave yet. There's no point leaving until you are ready. Otherwise you will continue to leave and go back in the same cycle. I gave countless chances. I said to one of my friends the day before I left (not knowing I was going to leave) "I'm ready to leave now if I have to." my heart still tells me to go back. But I'm not going to. Leave when you are ready. To be honest I think as soon as you leave you will feel relief. Sadness but relief. Every single day I am getting a bit better. Not brilliant but a bit better. You have to remember you are bound to be upset and down for a while but that's perfectly normal and your way of mourning the relationship.
Look. You're not happy now. This man alone will not make you happy. You make yourself happy. Your only chance of happiness is a life with someone who treats you with the respect you deserve. You need to be on your own now. Look after you because he's certainly not looking after you. Since when did you agree your relationship would be all about him?! Cos that's what it is. What right does he have to suck all your happiness and give you nothing! Oh girl. I really feel for you. Here to chat if you need it x
It was the final straw which gave me the strength to leave a few Sundays ago. I was at work and he came in to tell me he was going to see his friends in a bar as one was leaving to go abroad. At this point he'd been sober for 5 weeks. I just had that sickening feeling in my stomach that I knew he was going to drink. The all consuming dread you feel. I asked him, begged him, not to. He promised he wouldn't. I got home a few hours later and he wasn't back yet. I texted him asking him where he was and he said he was staying a bit later. And then half an hour later, a bit later. I asked him to call me and he said he needed space. I rang him once more and he didn't answer and then sent me a message saying "don't phone me". At that point I got my stuff and left. I knew he'd been drinking from his responses. I guess I just thought **** you! I've been trying my hardest fighting for you and us taking you to counselling for the drink and you still won't stop. I realised he'd chosen alcohol over our relationship. Well, that's absolutely fine. He's welcome to choose alcohol. But I'll be damned if I'm staying around when someone loves a drug more than me.
Leaving wasnt the hardest part. Not going back is the hardest. You don't sound ready to leave yet. There's no point leaving until you are ready. Otherwise you will continue to leave and go back in the same cycle. I gave countless chances. I said to one of my friends the day before I left (not knowing I was going to leave) "I'm ready to leave now if I have to." my heart still tells me to go back. But I'm not going to. Leave when you are ready. To be honest I think as soon as you leave you will feel relief. Sadness but relief. Every single day I am getting a bit better. Not brilliant but a bit better. You have to remember you are bound to be upset and down for a while but that's perfectly normal and your way of mourning the relationship.
Look. You're not happy now. This man alone will not make you happy. You make yourself happy. Your only chance of happiness is a life with someone who treats you with the respect you deserve. You need to be on your own now. Look after you because he's certainly not looking after you. Since when did you agree your relationship would be all about him?! Cos that's what it is. What right does he have to suck all your happiness and give you nothing! Oh girl. I really feel for you. Here to chat if you need it x
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