Which comes first the alcoholism or the selfishness?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 237
Which comes first the alcoholism or the selfishness?
For some of you who have read my threads worrying about splitting up with my ABF and how long to leave it without contact, he behaved so badly and unbelieveably selfishly last night that he has made it much easier for me to move on. Excuse the long post but I need to get it down before I forget and rationalise it so I can reread this when I am feeling weak about seeing him. I really am wondering if this is anything to do with his problem or just him...
We need to let our landlord (who helpfully is a lawyer) know my XABF is moving out so he can get a good reference for his next place when he eventually finds it. I went through our paperwork and realised both our names are on the deposit and I have lent him over the years about 12 times as much as his share, as well as paid all the rent and bills for the last couple of years while he got back on his feet after being made redundant (not alcohol related). I did it without question because I loved him and felt sure he appreciated it, as he said he did. However, now we are splitting up, I am conscious I need to protect my finances.
Anyway, we had already discussed emailing the landlord and I offered to draft something for him to look at so we were both happy. I then discussed the deposit with him calmly last night and explained that I thought it was reasonable given the contribution I had made over the years that it was transferred to me - he seemed to agree but rather than leaving it there, he then, as I expected, said 'yes, that seems fair but I don't have any money to put a deposit down somewhere else so I need to work out what I can do'. I explained that I would not have the money to pay his share and that he was not my responsibility and suddenly he was backed into a corner and I saw a side of him I didn't like at all.
His reply to the help I'd given in the past was 'we were in a relationship' - since when does that mean I am financially responsible for him???!! He then followed 'it's always been there that you earn more than me', 'i'll pay you back everything you've given me, don't worry' etc etc. I've done everything I can to make him not feel bad about the difference between our salaries - and even now, i'm being way more reasonable than most people. I explained plenty of other people would have packed his stuff up and left it outside as soon as i'd got back from our ruined holiday but I had not.
He then got so worked up that I was trying to get his name off the lease and deposit back so I could evict him!! I had already said I was happy to be flexible (way more flexible than most people would be) and kept trying to say to him that this wasn't about that but he kept saying 'you can't get everything your way' - does he really think this is the way I thought our relationship, my life would pan out?? He was totally irrational - is this dry drunk or just an unbelievably self centred sh**??!
He then went on about how he had nowhere to go and he was trying his best to find somewhere. I should have walked away but instead I reminded him that it was not my fault he was in this situation to which he replied 'yeah, i know, I got drunk on holiday'. OMG - his whole drink problem summed up in a way that makes it sound like he had a boys night out on holiday and I had overreacted! He went AWOL during the second day of our holiday leaving me alone.
When he finally read the email i had drafted he could see it was fair and he had overreacted - he agreed to me sending it with such minor changes. The arguments were so unnecessary. All he had to do was calmly ask me to change the wording.
Now he's all apologetic and this morning was clearly panicking he's ruined things. I don't have the energy anymore to make him feel better about himself. Just really disappointed he couldn't handle it with maturity and a bit of dignity.
We need to let our landlord (who helpfully is a lawyer) know my XABF is moving out so he can get a good reference for his next place when he eventually finds it. I went through our paperwork and realised both our names are on the deposit and I have lent him over the years about 12 times as much as his share, as well as paid all the rent and bills for the last couple of years while he got back on his feet after being made redundant (not alcohol related). I did it without question because I loved him and felt sure he appreciated it, as he said he did. However, now we are splitting up, I am conscious I need to protect my finances.
Anyway, we had already discussed emailing the landlord and I offered to draft something for him to look at so we were both happy. I then discussed the deposit with him calmly last night and explained that I thought it was reasonable given the contribution I had made over the years that it was transferred to me - he seemed to agree but rather than leaving it there, he then, as I expected, said 'yes, that seems fair but I don't have any money to put a deposit down somewhere else so I need to work out what I can do'. I explained that I would not have the money to pay his share and that he was not my responsibility and suddenly he was backed into a corner and I saw a side of him I didn't like at all.
His reply to the help I'd given in the past was 'we were in a relationship' - since when does that mean I am financially responsible for him???!! He then followed 'it's always been there that you earn more than me', 'i'll pay you back everything you've given me, don't worry' etc etc. I've done everything I can to make him not feel bad about the difference between our salaries - and even now, i'm being way more reasonable than most people. I explained plenty of other people would have packed his stuff up and left it outside as soon as i'd got back from our ruined holiday but I had not.
He then got so worked up that I was trying to get his name off the lease and deposit back so I could evict him!! I had already said I was happy to be flexible (way more flexible than most people would be) and kept trying to say to him that this wasn't about that but he kept saying 'you can't get everything your way' - does he really think this is the way I thought our relationship, my life would pan out?? He was totally irrational - is this dry drunk or just an unbelievably self centred sh**??!
He then went on about how he had nowhere to go and he was trying his best to find somewhere. I should have walked away but instead I reminded him that it was not my fault he was in this situation to which he replied 'yeah, i know, I got drunk on holiday'. OMG - his whole drink problem summed up in a way that makes it sound like he had a boys night out on holiday and I had overreacted! He went AWOL during the second day of our holiday leaving me alone.
When he finally read the email i had drafted he could see it was fair and he had overreacted - he agreed to me sending it with such minor changes. The arguments were so unnecessary. All he had to do was calmly ask me to change the wording.
Now he's all apologetic and this morning was clearly panicking he's ruined things. I don't have the energy anymore to make him feel better about himself. Just really disappointed he couldn't handle it with maturity and a bit of dignity.
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Los Angeles
Posts: 94
This sounds all too familiar... every word of it. I got into a much deeper situation with my husband. We were together for 6 years - married for 9 months. He is a highly paid CEO, but spends more $$ than he makes, and has crappy credit due to not paying bills on time, etc. Anyhow, I racked up quite a bit of debt over the past few years due to my good credit score, but I have much less of an income. Now that we are getting a divorce, he feels like he owes me barely ANYTHING and being that we were only married for 9 months and the debt was accumulated over the past 6 years - not 9 months - I am essentially screwed in the state of CA. He makes $250k per year, I make 1/3 of that, and not only is he taking no responsibility for the fact that WE agreed that I would give up my career for the most part (I now do part time consulting) and he needs to help me get back on my feet, he wants to take no accountability for the debt we racked up in my name.
The selfishness of the active A will never cease to amaze me. Like your's, mine was much better (more apologetic/agreeable) in the AM, so I would do everything you can to get him to agree in writing to things before noon
Do whatever you need to do to protect yourself and get your $$$ back. I really thought when STBXAH and I separated a few months ago, it would be the "wake up call" that he needed to go to rehab, etc. NOPE - he is sooo much worse than before now that I'm not there "monitoring" him. He actually told me yesterday as we were signing divorce papers that he "can't believe after some time apart that I don't realize how badly I treated him, didn't appreciate him, make him feel like a good person." SERIOUSLY?! 
Not to go on a tangent about me, but just wanted to give you a warning that it might not get better, and only worse, so KEEP protecting yourself and stop worrying about "trying to make him feel better about himself." Nothing you could say/do even if you wanted to would help him do that anyhow.... Best of luck to you and keep us updated
The selfishness of the active A will never cease to amaze me. Like your's, mine was much better (more apologetic/agreeable) in the AM, so I would do everything you can to get him to agree in writing to things before noon
Do whatever you need to do to protect yourself and get your $$$ back. I really thought when STBXAH and I separated a few months ago, it would be the "wake up call" that he needed to go to rehab, etc. NOPE - he is sooo much worse than before now that I'm not there "monitoring" him. He actually told me yesterday as we were signing divorce papers that he "can't believe after some time apart that I don't realize how badly I treated him, didn't appreciate him, make him feel like a good person." SERIOUSLY?! Not to go on a tangent about me, but just wanted to give you a warning that it might not get better, and only worse, so KEEP protecting yourself and stop worrying about "trying to make him feel better about himself." Nothing you could say/do even if you wanted to would help him do that anyhow.... Best of luck to you and keep us updated
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
I understand needing to contact the landlord in regard to him moving out.
Why is it necessary to "draft" something that makes you both happy?
You are not responsible for his happiness or him getting a good reference.
I will never be taken advantage of financially again after the ugly events during my engagement to a dry drunk.
You already took a look at what you've put out financially vs. what he has put out, and IMHO, he's not responsible or reliable. My ex-fiance sure wasn't either.
Why is it necessary to "draft" something that makes you both happy?
You are not responsible for his happiness or him getting a good reference.
I will never be taken advantage of financially again after the ugly events during my engagement to a dry drunk.
You already took a look at what you've put out financially vs. what he has put out, and IMHO, he's not responsible or reliable. My ex-fiance sure wasn't either.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: FL
Posts: 76
My husband, prior to the drinking, was self centered and self absorbed and selfish. As the drinking progressed, those were magnified tenfold and more.
You need to focus on what's best for you - not him. He's not your responsibility.
Good luck.
You need to focus on what's best for you - not him. He's not your responsibility.
Good luck.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 451
I think a common theme with alcoholics is money issues. I sure know mine doesn't contribute equally. I also make a little more but not much. But alas, he has to protect his drinking habit. I am not really sure if selfishness comes before or after the disease, I wouldn't know. Since I have been with my ABF, he has always been addicted to something and taken advantage of me.
I just had this same type of conversation with my ABF last night telling him I am tired of being used. I seriously spent 400 bucks on food/household items over the last 2 weeks and he contributed 55 dollars TOTAL. Then he acts like he is SOOOO helpful in giving me that bit of money while he drinks away 100-150 / week on beer/booze. I am told that he doesn't feel like he should chip in equally because I am wasteful. His example, we have 4 bags of open chips in the cabinet WHICH HE DIDN'T EVEN BUY!!! LOL. I don't even eat chips, he and my son do. LOL. Just freaking amazing.
I just had this same type of conversation with my ABF last night telling him I am tired of being used. I seriously spent 400 bucks on food/household items over the last 2 weeks and he contributed 55 dollars TOTAL. Then he acts like he is SOOOO helpful in giving me that bit of money while he drinks away 100-150 / week on beer/booze. I am told that he doesn't feel like he should chip in equally because I am wasteful. His example, we have 4 bags of open chips in the cabinet WHICH HE DIDN'T EVEN BUY!!! LOL. I don't even eat chips, he and my son do. LOL. Just freaking amazing.
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
It may help to understand that active addicts have the emotional intelligence of a three year old. "His majesty the child". What you describe is the same scenario you'll go through constantly unless you take the action. He sounds like a typical drunk to me. Sooo... is this what you want for yourself?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Los Angeles
Posts: 271
My RXAB has been sober almost 9 months (as far as I know) and he is still very selfish, manipulative, cunning, etc.... Wants me badly when he doesn't have me but wont take the actions to have me in his life.
What comes first....well does it really matter? Whats important is who he is today acceptable to you? That's all you can go by.
Believe me I ask hundreds of questions....why this and why that thinking I'll uncover some hope or finally understand the disease. none of that helps...the disease is baffling and creates insanity and chaos.
What I do know is that he is filled with self hate, pity, and doesn't want to do the work to change it...then throws a tantrum when he can't get what he wants without taking action. This was true when he was using and is true of him today.
WHO HE IS TODAY IS TOXIC AND I DESERVE A HEALTHY LOVING POSITIVE PERSON IN MY LIFE.
What comes first....well does it really matter? Whats important is who he is today acceptable to you? That's all you can go by.
Believe me I ask hundreds of questions....why this and why that thinking I'll uncover some hope or finally understand the disease. none of that helps...the disease is baffling and creates insanity and chaos.
What I do know is that he is filled with self hate, pity, and doesn't want to do the work to change it...then throws a tantrum when he can't get what he wants without taking action. This was true when he was using and is true of him today.
WHO HE IS TODAY IS TOXIC AND I DESERVE A HEALTHY LOVING POSITIVE PERSON IN MY LIFE.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 451
Originally Posted by FindingJoy 
My RXAB has been sober almost 9 months (as far as I know) and he is still very selfish, manipulative, cunning, etc.... Wants me badly when he doesn't have me but wont take the actions to have me in his life.
What comes first....well does it really matter? Whats important is who he is today acceptable to you? That's all you can go by.
Believe me I ask hundreds of questions....why this and why that thinking I'll uncover some hope or finally understand the disease. none of that helps...the disease is baffling and creates insanity and chaos.
What I do know is that he is filled with self hate, pity, and doesn't want to do the work to change it...then throws a tantrum when he can't get what he wants without taking action. This was true when he was using and is true of him today.
WHO HE IS TODAY IS TOXIC AND I DESERVE A HEALTHY LOVING POSITIVE PERSON IN MY LIFE.
What comes first....well does it really matter? Whats important is who he is today acceptable to you? That's all you can go by.
Believe me I ask hundreds of questions....why this and why that thinking I'll uncover some hope or finally understand the disease. none of that helps...the disease is baffling and creates insanity and chaos.
What I do know is that he is filled with self hate, pity, and doesn't want to do the work to change it...then throws a tantrum when he can't get what he wants without taking action. This was true when he was using and is true of him today.
WHO HE IS TODAY IS TOXIC AND I DESERVE A HEALTHY LOVING POSITIVE PERSON IN MY LIFE.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Los Angeles
Posts: 271
They can't and they won't because that would require work follow thru and keeping promises and managing responsibilities. They find Codie's like us to handle all of that "grown up " stuff for them. Prior to finding great support and recovery I played the role of mommy, therapist, financial advisor, girlfriend, punching bag, and enabler.
We can't make them see the light. I thought I could with enough convincing, love, encouragement, hand holding, boosting confidence, etc....but none of it worked and it won't no matter who tries. He has to want it and he has to do the work.
Addicts who are active or early in recovery don't like work...they want the easy way out path of least resistance. They would rather apologize then do the proper action from the beginning. Makes no sense to me....but neither does the fact I still fantasize that maybe my RXAB will fully see the light.
We can't make them see the light. I thought I could with enough convincing, love, encouragement, hand holding, boosting confidence, etc....but none of it worked and it won't no matter who tries. He has to want it and he has to do the work.
Addicts who are active or early in recovery don't like work...they want the easy way out path of least resistance. They would rather apologize then do the proper action from the beginning. Makes no sense to me....but neither does the fact I still fantasize that maybe my RXAB will fully see the light.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 237
Thank you - i am struggling now what to do. My XAB has taken a day off supposedly to look at somewhere else to live but he is here in our flat not in the car going from door to door. There is no sense of urgency and everytime the subject comes up, he gets defensive and saying he is going asap (how??).
I got back from staying at friends and was looking forward to enjoying the last two days of my so called holiday that has ended up being the break from hell. I found him here, crying, saying he hadn't slept all night, and saying i'm being unreasonable as he is grieving. NOT MY PROBLEM!!! But it is! Because he is still here, having his pity party, not out looking for a place. We are both named on the lease but we are doing stuff to sort that but it has been nearly a week since I ended it and he has looked at two places that 'weren't right'.
What do I do? He hasn't been abusive so I can't call the police. Do I stay at a friends and leave him to wallow more and not get somewhere? And why should I leave? I had said in my head I would give him two weeks to find somewhere but he needs to be making constructive efforts to find somewhere for me to be flexible. Am I being unreasonable to not allow him to grieve? I just wish he'd do it on his own time and give me the space I asked for. Everytime I say anything he says 'don't worry, i'll find somewhere and move out' but they are just words, I need action!!
I got back from staying at friends and was looking forward to enjoying the last two days of my so called holiday that has ended up being the break from hell. I found him here, crying, saying he hadn't slept all night, and saying i'm being unreasonable as he is grieving. NOT MY PROBLEM!!! But it is! Because he is still here, having his pity party, not out looking for a place. We are both named on the lease but we are doing stuff to sort that but it has been nearly a week since I ended it and he has looked at two places that 'weren't right'.
What do I do? He hasn't been abusive so I can't call the police. Do I stay at a friends and leave him to wallow more and not get somewhere? And why should I leave? I had said in my head I would give him two weeks to find somewhere but he needs to be making constructive efforts to find somewhere for me to be flexible. Am I being unreasonable to not allow him to grieve? I just wish he'd do it on his own time and give me the space I asked for. Everytime I say anything he says 'don't worry, i'll find somewhere and move out' but they are just words, I need action!!
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Illinois
Posts: 24
How familiar this sounds! I have a lease problem too. He makes way more money than I do but insists I pay half of everything. Meanwhile, we use my credit. 6 months are left on the lease and I am $7,000 in debt. He says its my debt!!!! The selfishness is unbelievable. I do think the alcohol causes it.
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