Nervous about alanon tonight

Old 05-15-2012, 03:59 PM
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Nervous about alanon tonight

Tonight is my first al anon meeting. I have conflicted feelings fluctuating between "maybe this will be it" and.. the excuse not go because I'm not the one "with the problem"

But I do have a problem, the flip side of the coin. And I know I need to change myself not only to better my health and well being, but to support my husbands recovery.

What is the most important thing you have learned from al-anon, and what was your "ah - ha " moment when you realized that you should attend?

Enjoy your evening everybody!
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Old 05-15-2012, 04:05 PM
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My ah-ha moment was when I read a book by Robin Norwood: "Women Who Love Too Much." I had put off reading that book because I felt that my problem was that I didn't love ENOUGH--at least that was what AH led me to believe.

But that book was so fantastic, and one of the things she said was that she won't even start women on therapy until they'd been to at least six Al-Anon meetings. So I finally said "alright! alright! I'll go!"

It's hard to pick one important thing, but I guess one big thing was learning that my life doesn't have to be consumed with things I can't control. You learn what you're to own and you learn to release the rest, which is such a relief. Plus it's so great to be in fellowship with such great people instead of feeling so isolated.

Just relax. Do not feel you have to contribute. Contribute if you want, but just listening is completely OK. And remember to "take what you like and leave the rest." Most people will tell you to try several different meetings and pick a home meeting that feels comfortable to you.

Good for you for making this step. It's probably one of the most important ones you could make!!
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Old 05-15-2012, 04:12 PM
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My aha-moment was when I moved out and away from the RAH. I knew then it was time to take Al-Anon seriously, to really spend time with myself working the steps. It was that day that I finally accepted Step 1.

It took almost 6 months to get over the idea that "he is the one with the problem". I think that's normal for a lot of us. Don't let it stop you from going - there will be a moment for you when it all clicks, too.

Good luck and keep us posted on how it goes! If you don't like this meeting or group, try another until you find a good fit!
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Old 05-15-2012, 04:13 PM
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I had put off reading that book because I felt that my problem was that I didn't love ENOUGH--at least that was what AH led me to believe.
That is sad SoloMio, my exAH had me believing the same thing. It turns out he had no idea what he was talking about, only that it made me feel bad.

Amy, being around like minded people was amazing to me. I was not alone.

Beth
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Old 05-15-2012, 04:30 PM
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My first impression of an Alanon meeting: Wow, these people are in love with their program. (not said with admiration, but disgust)

I felt it was regimented with the reciting of the 12 steps and 12 traditions. The no cross talking, and the taking turns to speak.

Guess what my Ah-ha moment was?

I did the 6 meetings and sometime around that time, It finally hit me:
There is a serenity that washes over me as I hear the reciting of the 12 steps and 12 traditions (maybe because they have helped so many and are read with sincerity)
There is also a sense of well-being from knowing that I can take a turn to share when I wish and not be interrupted, not be judged, and not be minimized for sharing my thoughts. (I couldn't do that at home with my alcoholic)

I found serenity during that hour.
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Old 05-15-2012, 04:33 PM
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Mine was actually realizing I was not the only one with a problem. No matter how hard I tried to fix myself, and work my own recovery (and thus "fix" the relationship). Alcohol was part of the three legged stool in my relationship.....and constantly attempting to tip me/us over.

It took me five years to get into Al-anon. I was "hooked" at the first meeting. The only regret I have about it is that it took me so long.

Detachment and the Three Cs right now are feeling the most powerful to me.

I am heading to my meeting right now and can't wait to hear how yours went.
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Old 05-15-2012, 07:27 PM
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My first meeting I realized that my AH and I didn't have a chance if I didn't engage. Shearly for awareness itself. I know that despite the fact that my AH left me, I need to work out the pieces that are my responsibility. I work on me and he works on him. I needed to hear and understand that I didn't cause it and I cannot cure it.

I can honestly say that the first meeting scared the crap out of me. But I know I am not alone in the process. If the first place you go doesnt sit quite right, do go to other meeting locations. You will fall into a place where you feel comfortable. Do keep going back..it works if you work it.
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Old 05-15-2012, 08:23 PM
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Thanks for the responses!

At this time I am a little uncertain how this will go, not really sure exactly how its going to help, but when it does help I'll know. but I am going to give it an honest shot just to see what happens. No harm can come from it.

It is nice to know that the people there are truly willing to help me at the pace that I need. It takes me a bit to feel comfortable with others, but the ladies understood that we all work at our own pace and not to feel pressured.
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Old 05-15-2012, 08:38 PM
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At my first al-anon meeting, I wasn't sure my H was really A. To this moment I'm not 100% but I will completely admit he has a drinking problem. Anyhow, my ah-ha moment was when I heard the chairperson say:

"I realized that I was consumed with worry...then I realized that I worried so much because it was as if it made me feel busy, and if I was busy, I was involved, and if I was involved, I was in control. The last straw was when my daughter came up to me and asked me to play, and I sat there on the couch with my cup of coffee, doing nothing, and snapped 'Can't you see I'm busy?!' "

Her description of the endless worrying - of what specifically, it may not matter -but the worrying and the anxiety, and the wasting of all of our "now" time regretting the past and being anxious of the future, really spoke to me. Also the feelings of guilt, of hearing people say that they just felt that if they said something in the right way, or did something else that was nice, or just "rationalized" with them, that it would be okay.

That's when I realized it was where I should be. Also, hearing people talk about being happy despite their actions - this was huge for me. I had no idea that I was being "dragged down" with my H by his completely irrational and depressing thoughts and behaviors.
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Old 05-15-2012, 08:39 PM
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I have never been to a F2F Alanon meeting because there are none where I live. But I rely on online meetings, Alanon literature, and this forum to help keep me sane. One of the things that helped me a lot was learning the three C's:
I didn't Cause the problem,
I can't Control it,
I can't Cure it.
But the absolute biggest revelation for me was Step one of the twelve steps:
¨We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become unmanageable.¨
That described my situation better than anything else I had ever read or heard. I admit, it took a while to actually admit I was powerless (being somewhat of a control freak all my life) but when I finally did understand and admit it, it was very liberating.
I'm so glad you're going to a meeting. From what I've heard and read, you don't need to share unless, and until you are comfortable doing so. It can be a big help to just listen and learn. Thank you for sharing, Please keep coming back and update us on your journey-
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Old 05-16-2012, 10:25 AM
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So my husband just called from rehab questioning whether or not I attended the meeting or not. I explained that yes, I went spent whatever amount on the books etc etc etc. I went to an out of town meeting (because I'm a private person and like to keep things private, I come from a small community), and without mentioning anybodys names I said I was suprised to see people from our community there.

His response: Don't tell anybody anything about me.. you are there for you not for me.

So this puts me in an even fouler mood because my head tells me ... Well not really I wouldn't be there if it wan't for you......

So I need some help becoming more positive about this thing. My questions are

1) Exactly what am I suppose to be doing to work this program?
2) Do I have the wrong mind frame that I am there because of him?
3) It is my understanding that I am there to learn new behaviours that change the outcomes of the effect alcholism has in our family??

I'm really lost here ?
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Old 05-16-2012, 10:43 AM
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I went to my first Al-Anon meeting last Friday. I was glad I went. The people there were nice. I am going to try another one because although the ladies there were really nice, it wasn't a good fit for me. There were only three people in attendance and I think I would like to attend a meeting with more people. They were all quite a bit older than I am, and it just didn't feel like our problems were the same. They were more or less dealing with their children's drinking, and I am there for different reasons.

I listened to the voices of those from SR which said, "Go to at least 6 meetings, and it might take a couple to find the right one." So, I took what I could from the initial meeting, read all the literature they provided and have thought alot about Step 1 this week.

Good luck to you, and I wish you the best.
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Old 05-16-2012, 11:17 AM
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Originally Posted by Amy27 View Post
So my husband just called from rehab questioning whether or not I attended the meeting or not. I explained that yes, I went spent whatever amount on the books etc etc etc. I went to an out of town meeting (because I'm a private person and like to keep things private, I come from a small community), and without mentioning anybodys names I said I was suprised to see people from our community there.

His response: Don't tell anybody anything about me.. you are there for you not for me.

So this puts me in an even fouler mood because my head tells me ... Well not really I wouldn't be there if it wan't for you......

So I need some help becoming more positive about this thing. My questions are

1) Exactly what am I suppose to be doing to work this program?
2) Do I have the wrong mind frame that I am there because of him?
3) It is my understanding that I am there to learn new behaviours that change the outcomes of the effect alcholism has in our family??

I'm really lost here ?
The purpose of Al-Anon is to help us get better. It has nothing to our alcoholics. We are there because living with alcoholism is deeply traumatic and can lead to all sorts of inappropriate behavior on our parts as we try to cope with the insanity of the disease.

I know I lost myself in the chaos. My whole sense of self identity was tied up in covering for, taking care of and protecting her. I was making very unwise choices and didn't even see that I was making them.

I had lost all concept that it was ok to take care of me, let alone take care of me first.

What I got out of the program was that I found myself again. I found my center again and I began work on becoming a healthy person.

I learned when it came to the alcoholic that I didn't cause it, I can't control it and I can't cure it. It wasn't my problem it was hers.

I also learned that everything I was doing to protect her wasn't helping. She is responsible for her own choices and the consequences of her choices. As long as I was protecting her from her consequences I depriving her of the opportunity to learn from her experiences.

Al-Anon is essentially group therapy for those of use who are addicted to alcoholics.

Welcome. It does get better. You can heal and you can begin to live your life again.

Your friend,
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Old 05-16-2012, 11:44 AM
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I think you have to attend a number of meetings (different locations if you can) and see if it's right for you. When I went to my first Al Anon meeting, I didn't really get it. All these people sitting around talking about how they were working the program when I just wanted to smash my foolish husband over the head. I was really angry.

After a while, I got it. That for my AH's dignity and my own, we each had to figure out our own lives. I have zero control over what he chooses, I can only work on my own life and create a healthy home for our kids. So then I started learning everything I could about alcoholism, so I could better understand how it all worked. And focused on being a happier and healthier person while I let go of his end of things. It's all you can do.

As much help as Al Anon has been, I have to say that SR has been THE most helpful source of support and input. It's a wonderful compliment to face-to-face Al Anon and counseling.

PS, This week at the meeting I picked up an Al Anon brochure titled "How Can I Help My Children?" It was really helpful in outlining how taking care of myself benefits the children. Check it out.
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