AutumnBorn

The facts:

- T is a great guy - smart, talented, kind, sentimental, sensitive;

- We met online 8 months ago and have been in a relationship for 5;

- I quit smoking in early December after he exploded about it and, subsequently, quit drinking (it's a trigger for smoking for me);

- T has been trying to hide his drinking when we're together since then (I assumed because he didn't want to tempt me to try a drink and, therefore, possibly trigger a craving for a cigarette);

- I found a bottle of gin in my freezer once when he came up to visit; another time he opened a bottle of wine and drank half of it while we were watching TV, when I woke in the morning, the bottle was empty; he ordered room service once while we were in a hotel, including a beer and a glass of clear liquid (it was about 4 oz.), along with some food items - I took a shower, the 4 oz. of clear liquid was gone, and when he went to the restroom, I poured a drop of the glass remains into my mouth - it was gin;

- We talk on the phone every night and I can tell he's been drinking;

- He left his email up on a guest account on my PC, my daughter used my PC, opened the guest account, and his email was still up, though he'd left town a couple of days before, she asked me if she could close the window that was open. I looked at it, saw a message T had forwarded to his sister, the message title "This is from Mike, my favorite guy from rehab. Check out the photos of his new place!" My heart sank.

- I searched his email for the word "rehab" (right or wrong, I thought I had a right to know). I read an email from his sister on which he was copied, about getting some money from a non-profit to send him to rehab for four months. He, apparently, got out right before we met (and lost his house because he couldn't work while he was drinking so heavily).

- He's been drinking since we met, though not as heavily as he is now. He called me at 2:00 PM today and I could hear the effects of the alcohol in his voice;

- I don't believe his parents know he's drinking and now I realize he's trying to hide it from his business associates, too. I am, likely, the only one who knows he's drinking again, though I think his employer may know due to missed deadlines. He may lose his position soon, from what I hear, they are very upset with him about deadlines missed on a project he's been working on for two years. He has friends who are very, very concerned about him work wise. On FB they ask him to check in, etc., and he ignores them. I know, of course, he's been drinking.

I'm afraid for him. He's a sweet, kind, gentle man and I love him very much. What can I do?

LaTeeDa

First, welcome! This is a great place to learn about coping with another person's addiction.

Second, well, unfortunately there is nothing you can do about HIS drinking.

Third, sweet, kind, gentle, sentimental, sensitive guys do not EXPLODE about someone else's smoking. Just sayin.....

AutumnBorn

Oh, and he's moving to where I live next week, something he'd been planning since we met. I'm flying to where he lives and driving back here with him and his dogs. We won't be long distance starting next week.

AutumnBorn

It's a figure of speech. He got upset. Just sayin....

AutumnBorn

Well, thanks for putting it into perspective. I guess an intervention is out of the question, so I guess I"ll just buy the burial plot because prices will only go up? Really?

LaTeeDa

You've known the guy for 8 months, in a LD relationship for 5, and you're ready to stage an intervention? Really?

AutumnBorn

Yeah. I see him a lot. Have you ever been in love? It's hell, isn't it?

LaTeeDa

I was in love with and married to an alcoholic for 20 years. We have two children together. All my love and all those years didn't save him from drinking. But, I had to learn that for myself. Best wishes to you.

AutumnBorn

Thanks! Like you, I'm no quiter. Unless it's cigarettes.

Pelican

Welcome to the SR family!

I hope you will continue to read the forum pages and post as often as needed.

When I first arrived, I learned about the three C's of my loved ones alcoholism:

I did not Cause it
I can not Control it
I will not Cure it

Took me quite a while to wrap my head around that and give the addiction to the other adult with the problem.

There are some posts here at the top of this main page. Those posts are called stickies and contain lots of wisdom.

One of my favorite stickies contains steps that helped me with my alcoholic loved one. Here is a link to that sticky post:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html

LaTeeDa

I'm sorry. As someone who lurked around here for many months before joining, I sometimes assume that new people have read around a little bit. I would encourage you to do so, if you are determined to stay with this guy. At least you will understand what you are up against and what kind of life you are in for.

There was a time I took pride in "not being a quitter." But, that time has passed and now I sometimes wish I could have those 20 years of my life back. It was never my problem to solve....

L

wicked

I noticed that if you take the first letters of the first four sentences in your first post, it spells "TWIT". I notice things like that.
My name is Beth and I am an alcoholic, I am a quitter, of alcohol, of cigarettes and a sick codependent marriage. We both drank.
You will find so many people here willing to share their experience, strength and hope with you.
You are in a world of trouble, and being rude to other posters will not help you.

Great! you will get a close up view of what you are up against. You have so much information about his lies already. What lies do you think he has told you? Because we all lie, all of us. He just got out of rehab, and is drinking gin like it is water, and that is just fine with you?
The quickness with which you are willing to move in with him is astounding to me. But, not out of the ordinary for a drunk. He needs another enabler (you) to keep him in the lifestyle he has become accustomed to. He will continue to drink.
You can bet he won't be quitting that. There will be tears, and promises, maybe string a few days of sobriety together, then hit replay.
I am sorry for you, for your future, for your mental health, and for those dogs.

Beth

Please get some knowledge about alcoholism before you make snarky remarks.

marie1960

Welcome Autumnborn,


" Have you ever been in love? It's hell, isn't it? "

Have to disagree, Love is not hell, ADDICTION is.

The best thing you could do for yourself right now is educate yourself about addiction.

Kick your shoes off make yourself at home, read some of the posts on this forum.
Read the stickies, Read how addiction has turned families lives into a living hell. Nobody is a quitter here, some of us have reached our limits, some are trying to cope, some just need support.

Nobody is going to tell you what to do here, we only share with each other the struggles we have endured living with an active alkie.

Hope you stay around, and learn all you can about this horrible disease.
Take care.

Tuffgirl

Welcome to SR, Autumnborn.

Please understand that no one means to offend you with our bluntness and candor. We've just been around the block so many times that its easy to sound insensitive. You came here looking for advice, and I can assure you it won't be what you thought you'd hear. It wasn't what I wanted to hear either. Not at first.

The three C's are unfortunately completely accurate. We don't have any control over someone else's drinking. But I know how easy it is to buy into the "love of a good woman" syndrome. Boy, I did that routine too. And now, after the five year relationship and one hell of a roller coaster ride, I am left with less than I went into the relationship with, two confused and hurt teenaged daughters, and pretty much gave away the last chance I had to have children again (now I am too old).

Would I make the same decisions over again if I knew this time? No. But I am glad I did because I have learned so much through my own experiences and am a much better person because of it. I loved the heck out of my man. For that, I am grateful. But alas, addicts do not make good partners, in general. It was simply not meant to be.

What can you do? Set some firm boundaries for yourself and your child. Act on them. Wait and see what he does. If he has been sober once before, he knows how to do it again. The choice is his.

Keep reading and keep coming back.
~T

Amy27

It sounds like you are very concerned about this guy, and that you are in love with him very much.

When we love somebody we want to do whatever possible to protect them.

I would research detaching with love. Your relationship is fairly new, and this is a hard concept to learn. I have been with my partner for nine years, and I still can't say that I know it, but many people say it changed their lives dramatically. Maybe if you start learning about it now it can save you from pain later on.

When you live with addicts it drives you insane. Trust me. If you love this guy and you wish to be with him, focus on your own mental health, learning about addiction, and never ever put him before you, because each time you do you slip further and further and further away from yourself. And the further you slip the harder it is to come back.

I dont want you to be here 9 years from now in the same insane situation wishing you would have started your recovery sooner.

AutumnBorn

What exactly did I say that was rude? In fact, I think I was rather friendly.

(Twit? Funny, isn't it?)

I'm not moving in with him, Beth, but thank you for your concern. He's moving back to his home town, where I live. I never said we were living together.

My apologies for offending you, Beth, though I do wonder what it is I said. I responded to some posts to my original posting (thank you La Te Da, since I am not as heavily invested as you, I may find myself one day saying "hey, I only wasted...."). I'll be deactivating my account now. I believe I came to the wrong place for ideas and support -- indeed, to learn something about alcoholism and how to help the man I love. I guess I'm just starting the process of disillusionment, so forgive me for still having hope.

Thank you for the wake up call.

Peace to you.

wicked

Don't go yet Autumn Born.
It is difficult to live with an alcoholic.
One thing is, you can only help yourself. He must help himself.

AutumnBorn

Thank you, Amy. I will do some research on detaching with love. Thank you, thank you....

bonami

I think it was because you got defensive and made the comment about the burial plot. I hope you stick around and continue to read. The people here have walked in your shoes and are trying to share with you what they have learned from living with alcoholics in their lives for a lot longer than 8 months.

Please know that though you love him and can offer your support to him in his efforts to quit drinking, there is nothing you can do to make him quit, he has to do it on his own, for himself. Best of luck to you.

wicked

I am sorry for being so flip to someone who just arrived here.
I thought your were rude to my friends.
They can take care of themselves, they don't need me to jump in.
I am still learning to detach.

As a point I would like to make, I have to detach from my 30 year old son (heroin addict).
He called last week and said I will be a grandma soon.
His gf is an addict too. He has an illness called Marfan syndrome.
I have to detach, if I don't he will take over my life.
Being a grandma should be a good thing.
I am sorry, it was my problem, and you seemed to be kinda light hearted about it.


Yeah, I was a twit! Sorry, and I will leave you alone now.