alcoholic dumped me after 20+ days of sobriety
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1
alcoholic dumped me after 20+ days of sobriety
It has been two months since my ABf broke up with me. But I recently found out he had a date with another girl the night he broke up with me, and it was important enough for him to mark it on a calendar. (I wasn't snooping, we had shared our google calendars years ago and I forgot since I so rarely use it and now I have an Android which of course uses google calendar.) I am more devastated by finding that date marked on the calendar than I was by the break up.
He was 20+ days sober (close to 30) when he broke up with me and I believe the girl is also an AA newcomer. I just can't get it out of my head that I was just his "drunk" girlfriend, as in I was only good enough for him while he was drinking, and now that he is sober he thinks/knows he can do better. I know this is horrible to think, let alone say, but I was much more at peace when I just thought he had relapsed.
I had been with my xABf for 6 years, off and on. He has always been a heavy drinker, we met in college and people warned me then, but he is an incredibly fun, passionate, and extremely intelligent person. Just too much to resist. In February he got his 3rd DUI and because he was ordered to, he began attending AA along with other out patient care type stuff. I was pleasantly surprised that he actually started getting sober while attending AA. Things were going OK, not great but OK. I have been in Alanon a little over a year now and I felt like I was giving him space and being supportive. I haven't spoken to him since the breakup, he did send a text message about a month ago saying he watched a movie on enablers, he realizes he put me through hell and he is very sorry. I responded with "thank you". That has been our only contact. In the past we somewhat remained in contact during the splits. He wasn't a horrible boyfriend, he was a highly functional alcoholic. Just inconsistent, and there were trust issues because of the lies. He was drinking to the point of blacking out at least once a week though and consistently had between 10 and 15 beers a night.
I'm fairly confident he is still sober, so he would have his 90 days or be close to it now. I know sobriety is a lot longer road than 90 days but it is an amazing start to someone that hasn't been sober for more than a few days since he was 14. I know I need to put the focus back on me and not worry about him, but it just hurts like hell that after dealing with the drinking for 6 years, to feel I'm getting the shaft on the good stuff.
*I'm new here. It's amazing how just writing this out and sending it out to the world makes me feel a better
He was 20+ days sober (close to 30) when he broke up with me and I believe the girl is also an AA newcomer. I just can't get it out of my head that I was just his "drunk" girlfriend, as in I was only good enough for him while he was drinking, and now that he is sober he thinks/knows he can do better. I know this is horrible to think, let alone say, but I was much more at peace when I just thought he had relapsed.
I had been with my xABf for 6 years, off and on. He has always been a heavy drinker, we met in college and people warned me then, but he is an incredibly fun, passionate, and extremely intelligent person. Just too much to resist. In February he got his 3rd DUI and because he was ordered to, he began attending AA along with other out patient care type stuff. I was pleasantly surprised that he actually started getting sober while attending AA. Things were going OK, not great but OK. I have been in Alanon a little over a year now and I felt like I was giving him space and being supportive. I haven't spoken to him since the breakup, he did send a text message about a month ago saying he watched a movie on enablers, he realizes he put me through hell and he is very sorry. I responded with "thank you". That has been our only contact. In the past we somewhat remained in contact during the splits. He wasn't a horrible boyfriend, he was a highly functional alcoholic. Just inconsistent, and there were trust issues because of the lies. He was drinking to the point of blacking out at least once a week though and consistently had between 10 and 15 beers a night.
I'm fairly confident he is still sober, so he would have his 90 days or be close to it now. I know sobriety is a lot longer road than 90 days but it is an amazing start to someone that hasn't been sober for more than a few days since he was 14. I know I need to put the focus back on me and not worry about him, but it just hurts like hell that after dealing with the drinking for 6 years, to feel I'm getting the shaft on the good stuff.
*I'm new here. It's amazing how just writing this out and sending it out to the world makes me feel a better
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hello christine, Welcome to SR!!
Thank you for sharing your story here, I'm so sorry to hear about what happened and know how much it hurts.
Sadly, what you experienced with your ex is not that uncommon with recovering addicts. In all likelihood, it is not a relationship that will last.
I'm more concerned about you! I hope you will take the time to read the threads here and learn all you can about addiction and recovery. It has really helped me so much. Onward to better things and positive people in your life!
Welcome, again! HG
Thank you for sharing your story here, I'm so sorry to hear about what happened and know how much it hurts.
Sadly, what you experienced with your ex is not that uncommon with recovering addicts. In all likelihood, it is not a relationship that will last.
I'm more concerned about you! I hope you will take the time to read the threads here and learn all you can about addiction and recovery. It has really helped me so much. Onward to better things and positive people in your life!
Welcome, again! HG
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: East Coast, The States
Posts: 12,162
Welcome Christine, yes, i find just writing things out here does do the trick sometimes. If not, the support always does. I would be a lost soul without having had it.
Keep refocusing back on yourself whenever you notice yourself veering off. SR will help you.
Do something extra nice for YOU today. You deserve it.
Keep refocusing back on yourself whenever you notice yourself veering off. SR will help you.
Do something extra nice for YOU today. You deserve it.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the SR family!
I hope you will continue to share, read, vent, and post as often as needed. We are here to support you.
I am glad you found Alanon for yourself!
I also suggest reading "Codepdendent No More" by Melody Beattie. In her book there is a chapter that discusses the stages of grief. I found that very helpful in idenitfying the stages I was going through during my period of grief. I was grieving the loss of what "could have been".
I hope you will continue to share, read, vent, and post as often as needed. We are here to support you.
I am glad you found Alanon for yourself!
I also suggest reading "Codepdendent No More" by Melody Beattie. In her book there is a chapter that discusses the stages of grief. I found that very helpful in idenitfying the stages I was going through during my period of grief. I was grieving the loss of what "could have been".
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 433
That happened to me last summer. Newly sober BF, suddenly ends our relationship. I found out months later that he was already setting up a new girlfriend while we were together. It didn't last, nor did his sobriety.
Please don't take it as a personal rejection. I know it's hard, but when you're dealing with an A, you can't take anything personally. Supposedly your A is sober, but it sounds more like he is a dry drunk. Truly sober people know better than to jump into a relationship with another person in early recovery. You can trade one drug for another--alcohol for sex/romance with someone new. It's all an illusion, a hope to take away the pain of reality.
I know how you feel, though. You remember the "normal" times, the good times, and you wonder why he couldn't be that way all the time, why your love for him wasn't enough to make it work. I struggle with it, but realizing that I am not dealing with a normal person helps.
Please don't take it as a personal rejection. I know it's hard, but when you're dealing with an A, you can't take anything personally. Supposedly your A is sober, but it sounds more like he is a dry drunk. Truly sober people know better than to jump into a relationship with another person in early recovery. You can trade one drug for another--alcohol for sex/romance with someone new. It's all an illusion, a hope to take away the pain of reality.
I know how you feel, though. You remember the "normal" times, the good times, and you wonder why he couldn't be that way all the time, why your love for him wasn't enough to make it work. I struggle with it, but realizing that I am not dealing with a normal person helps.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
Welcome! Time is your friend and will reveal more as it goes by as well as provides healing.
I spent 4 years with my A and once I put iron clad no alcohol boundaries in place and he relapsed he got on a jet plane for greener pastures... Las Vegas.
Be prepared. He may very well come back in your life... it's hard to shake an alcoholic. In the meantime I second taking this breather to learn more about alcoholism and why you were attracted to someone with this disease... what I have learned from wasting 4 years is that an alcoholic drinking or sober is not good relationship material... period.
The feelings you are having are just feelings and in time they will pass... but the wisdom you will gain... the knowledge that you will have about yourself and relationships will be priceless. And you get to hang out with us girls and tell us about your journey of self discovery.
I am happier than I have ever been in my life... I am 4 months post alcoholic relationship. I would NEVER go back... I am free... really free from what was a very toxic relationship that I was completely and unhealthily emeshed in.
Have you considered counseling? alanon? Both helped me enormously get to the happy place I am now.
Keep coming back. we care.
I spent 4 years with my A and once I put iron clad no alcohol boundaries in place and he relapsed he got on a jet plane for greener pastures... Las Vegas.
Be prepared. He may very well come back in your life... it's hard to shake an alcoholic. In the meantime I second taking this breather to learn more about alcoholism and why you were attracted to someone with this disease... what I have learned from wasting 4 years is that an alcoholic drinking or sober is not good relationship material... period.
The feelings you are having are just feelings and in time they will pass... but the wisdom you will gain... the knowledge that you will have about yourself and relationships will be priceless. And you get to hang out with us girls and tell us about your journey of self discovery.
I am happier than I have ever been in my life... I am 4 months post alcoholic relationship. I would NEVER go back... I am free... really free from what was a very toxic relationship that I was completely and unhealthily emeshed in.
Have you considered counseling? alanon? Both helped me enormously get to the happy place I am now.
Keep coming back. we care.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 433
Originally Posted by Hopeworks 
Welcome! The feelings you are having are just feelings and in time they will pass... but the wisdom you will gain... the knowledge that you will have about yourself and relationships will be priceless.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: pittsburgh, PA
Posts: 41
Hey there. I feel your pain!! I dated my ABF for 4 and half years. Stuck by him through everything and then he finally got sober and after 5 months cleans he dumps me and tells me he needs to figure himself out. We broke up about 2 months ago and we only recently cut off contact a week ago and let me tell you it's hurts soooooo bad. All those hopes and dreams you had are gone. And really I don't even know if my ex started dating or seeing someone new, from last I heard no but who knows every one could just be lying to me to spare my feelings.
Keep the focus on yourself and even though that's so hard most of the time just remember you can change something that he did, no matter how bad you want to. Stay strong and like my sponsor say it will get better you just have to have faith. And on the days u feel like u don't have faith just cry your eyes out as long as you need and start over again because you are important.
I tell myself all the time I just need to remember that I'm a good person and I deserve to be loved and cared for by someone who is ready for it! God Bless!!
Keep the focus on yourself and even though that's so hard most of the time just remember you can change something that he did, no matter how bad you want to. Stay strong and like my sponsor say it will get better you just have to have faith. And on the days u feel like u don't have faith just cry your eyes out as long as you need and start over again because you are important.
I tell myself all the time I just need to remember that I'm a good person and I deserve to be loved and cared for by someone who is ready for it! God Bless!!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: New England
Posts: 350
For what it's worth, my husband left his then-GF when he met me. (I'm not proud of this.) He was about a year sober at the time. Yes, the relationship has lasted, but it is no easy thing. I absolutely agree that they often swap one addiction for another, and that they bring whatever problems they have into the new relationships. You may very well be much better off in the long run, especially if you do a little work on yourself.
They have a child together and have worked very hard to co-parent. He is an excellent and committed father, one of the things I love about him. This meant that she and I had to learn to deal with each other. It's come full-circle. She's become a good and genuine friend to me, and is one of the first people I talked to about his relapse. I think this has been possible for several reasons - I truly regret my part in the way their relationship ended, I genuinely love their son and want what's best for him, and she did a lot of work on herself, Al-anon, etc. I think we are unusual, though.
Anyway, my point is that his behavior reflects him and his problems. It doesn't reflect on you at all. Please don't take it personally because it just isn't personal. And he WILL bring that stuff into her life and that of whoever comes after her.
Take care.
They have a child together and have worked very hard to co-parent. He is an excellent and committed father, one of the things I love about him. This meant that she and I had to learn to deal with each other. It's come full-circle. She's become a good and genuine friend to me, and is one of the first people I talked to about his relapse. I think this has been possible for several reasons - I truly regret my part in the way their relationship ended, I genuinely love their son and want what's best for him, and she did a lot of work on herself, Al-anon, etc. I think we are unusual, though.
Anyway, my point is that his behavior reflects him and his problems. It doesn't reflect on you at all. Please don't take it personally because it just isn't personal. And he WILL bring that stuff into her life and that of whoever comes after her.
Take care.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Originally Posted by Sueski
Anyway, my point is that his behavior reflects him and his problems. It doesn't reflect on you at all. Please don't take it personally because it just isn't personal. And he WILL bring that stuff into her life and that of whoever comes after her.
Now, let me also ask you - did it occur to you that he put that "date" in a shared calendar so you would find it? Yes, some people are that cruel and heartless, especially addicts when they are angry.
As all the others here say - keep the focus on you, keep working on you, and don't let this one guy determine your self worth.
Keep coming back!
~T
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: england
Posts: 4
My partner left fri. Hes been sober for 2mths. He moved in with a female he met in detox.
He used the excuse he had lots of meetings and was confused and had lost his ability to feel anything to carry on seeing her after detox. I was oblivious to it. Before detox i was his world so it never entered my head that he would do that.
He used the excuse he had lots of meetings and was confused and had lost his ability to feel anything to carry on seeing her after detox. I was oblivious to it. Before detox i was his world so it never entered my head that he would do that.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: The Bright Side of the Moon
Posts: 528
Hello. Welcome.
Sometimes they dump us. Sometimes we are with them for 7+ years and we have children together. They tell us things like, "It's you or or relationship that made me drink." Sometimes they think only another newcomer to sobriety can really understand them. Yes, sometimes they trade alcohol for the high of a new"relationship," or sex.
I have a "love" addiction, so I understand that even though it literally burned my skin to think of my partner with other women.
Indeed, time is your friend. More shall be revealed. Then one day, months or years later, you have done some work on yourself and figuring out why this hurts you so bad and what you can do about it. You start to think more about the awful stuff of your relationship and not the good so much. You start to feel grateful that they set you free from their crazy train express to Hell. You look at who you really are, what you really deserve, how you really want to live and you feel good that you don't have that little thorn in your side anymore.
That's what happened to me, anyway. I had to go through the pain though. I had to put my own life back together. I had to through Hell to get out of Hell. I'm not gonna lie. It helped to know that his life kept getting worse without me and our Little in it. "Mine" wasn't getting sober though. I must say, it was quite a (delayed) relief to find that his plan of being single and chasing women in order to get sober totally flopped.
Having no expectations helps though. The best way to keep no expectations is to hold YOURSELF to No Contact.
Remember how awesome you are. Fill the space he left with the joyful experiences of your choice.
Sometimes they dump us. Sometimes we are with them for 7+ years and we have children together. They tell us things like, "It's you or or relationship that made me drink." Sometimes they think only another newcomer to sobriety can really understand them. Yes, sometimes they trade alcohol for the high of a new"relationship," or sex.
I have a "love" addiction, so I understand that even though it literally burned my skin to think of my partner with other women.
Indeed, time is your friend. More shall be revealed. Then one day, months or years later, you have done some work on yourself and figuring out why this hurts you so bad and what you can do about it. You start to think more about the awful stuff of your relationship and not the good so much. You start to feel grateful that they set you free from their crazy train express to Hell. You look at who you really are, what you really deserve, how you really want to live and you feel good that you don't have that little thorn in your side anymore.
That's what happened to me, anyway. I had to go through the pain though. I had to put my own life back together. I had to through Hell to get out of Hell. I'm not gonna lie. It helped to know that his life kept getting worse without me and our Little in it. "Mine" wasn't getting sober though. I must say, it was quite a (delayed) relief to find that his plan of being single and chasing women in order to get sober totally flopped.
Having no expectations helps though. The best way to keep no expectations is to hold YOURSELF to No Contact.
Remember how awesome you are. Fill the space he left with the joyful experiences of your choice.
Guest
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,826
He's substituting, instead of alcohol a relationship. It won,t last.
Originally Posted by christinemiddle
It has been two months since my ABf broke up with me. But I recently found out he had a date with another girl the night he broke up with me, and it was important enough for him to mark it on a calendar. (I wasn't snooping, we had shared our google calendars years ago and I forgot since I so rarely use it and now I have an Android which of course uses google calendar.) I am more devastated by finding that date marked on the calendar than I was by the break up.
He was 20+ days sober (close to 30) when he broke up with me and I believe the girl is also an AA newcomer. I just can't get it out of my head that I was just his "drunk" girlfriend, as in I was only good enough for him while he was drinking, and now that he is sober he thinks/knows he can do better. I know this is horrible to think, let alone say, but I was much more at peace when I just thought he had relapsed.
I had been with my xABf for 6 years, off and on. He has always been a heavy drinker, we met in college and people warned me then, but he is an incredibly fun, passionate, and extremely intelligent person. Just too much to resist. In February he got his 3rd DUI and because he was ordered to, he began attending AA along with other out patient care type stuff. I was pleasantly surprised that he actually started getting sober while attending AA. Things were going OK, not great but OK. I have been in Alanon a little over a year now and I felt like I was giving him space and being supportive. I haven't spoken to him since the breakup, he did send a text message about a month ago saying he watched a movie on enablers, he realizes he put me through hell and he is very sorry. I responded with "thank you". That has been our only contact. In the past we somewhat remained in contact during the splits. He wasn't a horrible boyfriend, he was a highly functional alcoholic. Just inconsistent, and there were trust issues because of the lies. He was drinking to the point of blacking out at least once a week though and consistently had between 10 and 15 beers a night.
I'm fairly confident he is still sober, so he would have his 90 days or be close to it now. I know sobriety is a lot longer road than 90 days but it is an amazing start to someone that hasn't been sober for more than a few days since he was 14. I know I need to put the focus back on me and not worry about him, but it just hurts like hell that after dealing with the drinking for 6 years, to feel I'm getting the shaft on the good stuff.
*I'm new here. It's amazing how just writing this out and sending it out to the world makes me feel a better
He was 20+ days sober (close to 30) when he broke up with me and I believe the girl is also an AA newcomer. I just can't get it out of my head that I was just his "drunk" girlfriend, as in I was only good enough for him while he was drinking, and now that he is sober he thinks/knows he can do better. I know this is horrible to think, let alone say, but I was much more at peace when I just thought he had relapsed.
I had been with my xABf for 6 years, off and on. He has always been a heavy drinker, we met in college and people warned me then, but he is an incredibly fun, passionate, and extremely intelligent person. Just too much to resist. In February he got his 3rd DUI and because he was ordered to, he began attending AA along with other out patient care type stuff. I was pleasantly surprised that he actually started getting sober while attending AA. Things were going OK, not great but OK. I have been in Alanon a little over a year now and I felt like I was giving him space and being supportive. I haven't spoken to him since the breakup, he did send a text message about a month ago saying he watched a movie on enablers, he realizes he put me through hell and he is very sorry. I responded with "thank you". That has been our only contact. In the past we somewhat remained in contact during the splits. He wasn't a horrible boyfriend, he was a highly functional alcoholic. Just inconsistent, and there were trust issues because of the lies. He was drinking to the point of blacking out at least once a week though and consistently had between 10 and 15 beers a night.
I'm fairly confident he is still sober, so he would have his 90 days or be close to it now. I know sobriety is a lot longer road than 90 days but it is an amazing start to someone that hasn't been sober for more than a few days since he was 14. I know I need to put the focus back on me and not worry about him, but it just hurts like hell that after dealing with the drinking for 6 years, to feel I'm getting the shaft on the good stuff.
*I'm new here. It's amazing how just writing this out and sending it out to the world makes me feel a better
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
