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Are you with a severe Narcissist?

Old 05-14-2012, 08:03 AM
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Are you with a severe Narcissist?

In the book "The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists" there is a list of questions to help you find out if you are in relationship with a Narcissist:

1. Do you frequently feel as if you exist to admire his or her special talents and sensitivities?

2. Do you frequently feel hurt or annoyed that you do not get your turn and, if you do, the interest and quality of attention is significantly less than the attention you give?

3. Do you sense an intense degree of pride in this person or feel reluctant to offer your opinions when you know they will differ from his or hers?

4. Do you often feel that the quality of your whole interaction will depend upon the kind of mood he or she is in?

5. Do you feel controlled by this person?

6. Are you afraid of upsetting him or her for fear of being cut off or retaliated against?

7. Do you have difficulty saying no?

8. Are you exhausted from the kind of energy drain or worry that this relationship causes you?

9. Have you begun to feel lonely in the relationship?

10. Do you often wonder where you stand in the relationship?

11. Are you in constant doubt about what's real?

12. Are you reluctant to let go of this relationship due to a strong sense of protectiveness?

13. Are you staying in the relationship because of your investment of time and energy?


The author of the book points out that this struggle, of course, reflects codependent tendencies, but the author also points out that almost anyone will sink into these behaviors when involved with a severe Narcissist.

Narcissism is manifested on a spectrum, mild to severe. All addicts become narcissistic, as the addiction turns them totally inward and self-involved. But not all addicts have severe hard-wired narcissism. When those addicts get clean and sober and work a program, the narcissism created by addiction wanes.

But someone who is hard-wired with this disorder will never change.

It is hard for us to discern the depth of someone's narcissism. But if the person we are in relationship with exhibits a consistent need for power, control, and special consideration, we are in trouble.

So many of us think that eventually the relationship will balance out and we will get our turn, to have our needs met and our individuality respected. But some people will simply never give us that. It usually takes us a while, in a relationship, to realize this.
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Old 05-14-2012, 08:10 AM
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Hell yes I am (rather, was) in a marriage to a narcissist at best and sociopath at worst. I don't throw either term around loosely but I think both to varying degrees fit AH well.

I attributed his abuse and mind bending behavior to alcohol for years and thought that at some point sane, rational conversations could occur.

What I realized finally was that AH was/is a man who can never be a part of a r/s because a) he can't care/empathize with anyone else's point of view b) he hears expression of feelings/needs from another as a direct assault on his character and c) his sense of entitlement to do/say/be whatever he wants without any disagreement makes it like being held hostage to be near him
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Old 05-14-2012, 08:26 AM
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Originally Posted by wanttobehealthy View Post
Hell yes I am (rather, was) in a marriage to a narcissist at best and sociopath at worst. I don't throw either term around loosely but I think both to varying degrees fit AH well.

I attributed his abuse and mind bending behavior to alcohol for years and thought that at some point sane, rational conversations could occur.

What I realized finally was that AH was/is a man who can never be a part of a r/s because a) he can't care/empathize with anyone else's point of view b) he hears expression of feelings/needs from another as a direct assault on his character and c) his sense of entitlement to do/say/be whatever he wants without any disagreement makes it like being held hostage to be near him
Am I married to your ex? Probably not since we've been together for 17 years but I am just starting to figure out that he will never change. He just doesn't know how to be respectful, has a short fuse, is intolerant of people in general, doesn't care what their point of view is because it's always wrong since it's different from his, and he has such a sense of entitlement that breaking the law can be justified by him.
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Old 05-14-2012, 08:39 AM
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Originally Posted by wanttobehealthy View Post
Hell yes I am (rather, was) in a marriage to a narcissist at best and sociopath at worst. I don't throw either term around loosely but I think both to varying degrees fit AH well.

I attributed his abuse and mind bending behavior to alcohol for years and thought that at some point sane, rational conversations could occur.

What I realized finally was that AH was/is a man who can never be a part of a r/s because a) he can't care/empathize with anyone else's point of view b) he hears expression of feelings/needs from another as a direct assault on his character and c) his sense of entitlement to do/say/be whatever he wants without any disagreement makes it like being held hostage to be near him
I attributed his behavior on alcohol as well. Not that I give rat's fanny now, but I'm glad to know what the heck was going on. I was not crazy, I am not crazy, and no amount of detaching would ever help me deal with him. The only thing that saved me(saving me) is no contact. I was completely in over my head and Thank God mine lives on the other side of the U.S.. Thank God for this site. I had zero tools and defense against my XABF. It is so much easier to get help and work on myself now that I don't have him driving a bulldozer around in my head. I must get that book! lol
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Old 05-14-2012, 08:51 AM
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lizatola- you could be married to him-- it wouldn't surprise me in the least to know if he had a secret life! it's really remarkable how similar they are isn't it? and what a shame that we all probably were a mess and confused about all this NPD behavior for years, alone. i wish i'd thought to question what was happening years ago...
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Old 05-14-2012, 09:07 AM
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1. Do you frequently feel as if you exist to admire his or her special talents and sensitivities? Yes to some degree, my ABF feels like he is extremely talented - just hasn't been 'discovered' yet but he has made comments such as saying that he is going to 'speak to the youth' thru his music that he produces (which I hate - LOL - all it is is techno crap he mixes on a keyboard.)

2. Do you frequently feel hurt or annoyed that you do not get your turn and, if you do, the interest and quality of attention is significantly less than the attention you give? HELLO - YES. In fact, when we first started dating and would go to bars, he would act like we weren't together and check out other women right in front of me, yet act like he owned me after the fact. I remember one time when this guy was checking me out, I simply looked in this guy's direction and afterwards was accused of 'flirting'. I was sitting on the opposite end of the bar, didn't have one word of conversation with this guy AND my ABF distanced himself, as usual. Why I didn't run will always be beyond me. I think he was a challenge and I couldn't understand why he didn't acknowledge me.

3. Do you sense an intense degree of pride in this person or feel reluctant to offer your opinions when you know they will differ from his or hers?
Well he is very prideful and walks around with a haughty, holier than thou attitude. He is really stand-offish. I don't feel like I have ever really known him. With my ex-husband (non-A), I felt super close to him. I have NEVER felt that way with my ABF. I will tell my ABF my opinion as I am opinionated but I don't think he ever has really cared about my opinion.

4. Do you often feel that the quality of your whole interaction will depend upon the kind of mood he or she is in?
I don't think he ever really cares anyways. Never has, never will. LOL. I can say he doesn't like to talk about things which he needs to work on, i.e. - Alcoholism. You know, he doesn't have a problem.

5. Do you feel controlled by this person? Sometimes, Yes. I didn't realize it at first, and he actually used to tell me how controlling I was. But, I have learned that he has always controlled and manipulated me.

6. Are you afraid of upsetting him or her for fear of being cut off or retaliated against? I am afraid of leaving him for fear of retaliation from him and his mom concerning custody of my son.

7. Do you have difficulty saying no? YES

8. Are you exhausted from the kind of energy drain or worry that this relationship causes you? YES

9. Have you begun to feel lonely in the relationship? I think I ALWAYS have.

10. Do you often wonder where you stand in the relationship? Always have, since day ONE
11. Are you in constant doubt about what's real? I know what is real, I am. LOL. I know he is an alcoholic although he doesn't think that is real. I used to believe he could control this disease, but now I know differently.

12. Are you reluctant to let go of this relationship due to a strong sense of protectiveness? NO - only fear for my son at this point.

13. Are you staying in the relationship because of your investment of time and energy? Not anymore, I just want out. I have walked away from a relationship that wasn't good for me in the end before, so I can do it again.
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