It has to end
 

Hi all. I don't think I can stay in my relationship with my alcoholic boyfriend any longer. We seem to argue all of the time. Mainly I can not accept the relationship he has with his ex girl friend. He refuses to have conversations with her in front me. There were issues last year where he was considering moving back with her because she withholds visitation of their daughter. It's a very sad situation. He is 10 months sober now and rarely speaks to the ex but when he does it is never in front of me.

He thinks it is ridiculous of me to want to hear what is said. However she just sent him a birthday card saying how she loves him only three weeks ago. I just want peace of mind because of things I went through in the past. Is that too much to ask for? I feel that I set boundaries and they are never respected.

But now I am the bad guy and terrible and he says I don't support him wanting to talk to his daughter. I always tell him to call his daughter, but since she is only six she will only talk for a minute or two before she loses concentration. I think the way he turns things around on me all of the time is emotional abuse. I do not ask for much but yet he can't do small things for me. This has to be the end.

Am I out of line?

It doesn't seem like you want to leave because of his drinking as he is sober, but because you suspect he still has some kind of relationship with the mother of his daughter.

I wouldn't expect that a person should have to have their conversation played out on speakerphone, but I would feel kind of weirded out if the conversations always had to be in private. I can't say it wouldn't make me feel suspicious. However, I am not you and I don't know all the details of your relationship or theirs.

If you feel like he is crossing the line and still has feelings for his ex, it might be time to evaluate how you want to feel in this relationship.

Thank you. I don't expect anything to be on speaker phone. But the conversations only take place when I am not home, preferably even away for a weekend so there is no chance I could walk in on it. I have never been with someone before who has children, but I don't think it is normal for all conversations with the ex to be so secretive. I know she will always be a part of his life so how can he expect me to stay with him and marry him when for at least the next 12 years I will feel on the outside.

Although he is sober, I still think this is related. Because his indescretions happened when he was still drinking, he thinks I should just be able to forget about it and trust that because he is sober now he is not lying to me the way he was before. But I always read here that even after finding sobriety we often still have to deal with the lying and manipulation.

All I wanted was an open relationship, because that is what I give to him. There is no one that I talk to who I can't talk to in front of him. I think if you are not comfortable doing something in front of the person that you are supposedly committed to then it is probably not ok.

He also tells me that these are my problems to get over and I should go to alanon more. But I see it as me setting a clear boundary :: Do not keep conversations with your ex a secret :: and he continues to very intentionally cross that.

:( It is hard giving up something that you have invested so much in. But I guess eventually you either cut your losses or continue to feel used.

I don't think you are out of line. I think the issue here is trust, you don't seem to really trust him. Trust issues hardly ever improve.