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Maintaining serenity

Old 05-12-2012, 05:40 PM
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Maintaining serenity

One of the things I'm really focusing on in my recovery is in trying to not take things personally and keeping control of my emotions, but also maintaining my serenity and sanity at the same time.

I got the perfect chance today. My AH, son, and I were sitting outside a grocery store waiting to get burgers from the outdoor grill area. I was telling a story about a baby bird and I get excited about animal stories. My AH says, "I can hear you, I'm sitting right here." And, before I could say anything in response he says, "People are looking at you, you're getting really loud."

Ugh, well that just about got my tears rolling. You'd think I was a child being reprimanded. He could have stopped at his first comment or something but he just had to make it seem like I was embarrassing him. I held it together, didn't cry(thank goodness), and got my act together. Seems like it should be easy to most people, but for me it's not because I take everything too personal. Granted, I still think he was out of line and could have taken a different approach but I chose to not let it ruin my day and that's what matters.

Now, if I can just figure out how to say something in response that sets a boundary, I'll be on my way!
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Old 05-12-2012, 06:03 PM
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Wow, sounds like you love animals like me! It is sad he can't smile at the things that make you come alive and happy. I always smile when I see how something makes someone so happy. Too bad he can't see that and he has to ruin it. Some people just aren't happy unless you are miserable. Very sad for them.

Good for you for holding it together. We may not be able to change others but sure as heck can change how we react to them. Never let him ruin your spirit or what makes shine!
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Old 05-12-2012, 06:24 PM
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Aww, hugs to you. I love animals and animal stories too.
Since your AH spoiled the story, will you tell it to us?

PS - my alcoholic father is the same way to my mother. I remind her as much as possible that even though he doesn't always want to hear her stories, I do.
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Old 05-12-2012, 06:27 PM
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He is not interested in your sharing with him, he is only interested in himself. It's all about him...Me,Me, I, I, that's it.

I agree, don't let him ruin your day or spirit. He derives pleasure from putting you down, typical addict behavior.
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Old 05-12-2012, 07:18 PM
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Just thought of something. I bet your son was loving the story too and that is all that matters. You be you and enjoy life, your son will remember how wonderful your stories are.

Every year I would go trick-or-treating with my nephew. He would always let me know what he was going to dress-up as and I would match him. One year we were Peter Pan and Tiger Lily, the next Yoda and Darth Maul, the next Harry Potter and Hermione, one year batman. My brother was always "too cool" to dress-up with us, which to me and my nephew meant he was the uncool one. My brother followed us all through the neighborhood with my nephews red wagon filled with beer and ice sharing with all the other "cool" suburban alcoholic Dads making fun of us. You know what? My nephew only remembers how cool we were and how much fun we had. He doesn't remember my brother walking with us.

So you go on and tell those stories as loud and animated as you want! Let Mr. Sourpuss
be embarrassed. Next time you and your son should go wearing capes.
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Old 05-12-2012, 08:10 PM
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Actually, the story was about a baby woodpecker that my son and I found hanging to the side of our house. I could tell he was injured and wanted to get him down on the ground so I picked up a stick and shooed him off the house and into the bushes. Unfortunately, he decided to walk down my driveway and we saw him a few hours later wandering around my neighbor's yard. I was disappointed that he hadn't gotten some shade or shelter and that was what I was telling AH. I know I get excited and talk loudly at times, but I seriously didn't see anyone looking at me and honestly, I don't give a cr*p what other people think!
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Old 05-12-2012, 08:13 PM
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That's the spirit Lizatola!
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Old 05-12-2012, 08:35 PM
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Originally Posted by Zoenob View Post
That's the spirit Lizatola!
Oh, and my name here is actually the nickname we had for our lab that died 2 years ago! Her name was Liz and we called her Lizatola! We also have a 15 year old shepherd mix named Nina.
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Old 05-12-2012, 08:40 PM
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Nice to meet you! Sorry about losing your Liz. I lost my Rott a few years ago too. I have 2 crazy 4 year old Boston Terriers now. It's cool so many of us here are animal people.
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Old 05-12-2012, 08:51 PM
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Originally Posted by lizatola View Post
I know I get excited and talk loudly at times, but I seriously didn't see anyone looking at me and honestly, I don't give a cr*p what other people think!
I know for a fact no one was looking at you. Keep telling your stories to your son as loud as you want.
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Old 05-12-2012, 09:54 PM
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Your loud excited happy voice made his skin crawl as he is so miserable on the inside. IMO of course. In the past when I was really low and depressed happy people irritated the crapnout of me...I was so miserable I didn't understand how they could be so happy..I was very jealous. It's not about you it's about him.

It could have been a girl at a coffee shop and that would still irritate him except he probably wouldnt have the balls to put her down like he did you.

Never dim your own light to help someone else shine...especially when that people won't even screw in a lightbulb.
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Old 05-12-2012, 10:04 PM
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Originally Posted by lizatola View Post
My AH says, "I can hear you, I'm sitting right here." And, before I could say anything in response he says, "People are looking at you, you're getting really loud."
What is it with alcoholics and "talking loud"? My STBXAH gets soooo irritated with me for the same thing... Just last weekend, we met at a public place to go over our divorce filing (we are working with a mediator and I refuse to see him in a non-public place). Anyhow, we were sitting outside at a restaurant - one I chose because the tables ARE far apart, giving us enough privacy to discuss the issues. Nonetheless, I mentioned something about my period (not that loudly) and he turned around and looked at the table behind us and then looked at me so disgusted like GOD FORBID they hear me mention the fact that I have a period (gasp!!). First of all, I was not talking loud, they couldn't hear from there, they were having their own convo and not paying a bit of attention to us, AND who really cares if a 33 year old woman mentions having a period. I think that is likely already assumed that I have one? I just looked at him and said, "We are not together anymore. I can talk as loud as I want and you can drink as much as you want. Period."

Anyhow, is funny how they act embarrassed and disgusted by us talking loud... last time I checked, if "talking loud" were at the top of THEIR list of unfavorable character traits, we would all be doing cartwheels!
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Old 05-13-2012, 06:21 AM
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Might be a good time to point out that his embarrassment at your talking "loudly" is only a fraction of how embarrassed you get when he displays his drunken behavior.
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Old 05-13-2012, 06:44 AM
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Originally Posted by feelingalone43 View Post
Might be a good time to point out that his embarrassment at your talking "loudly" is only a fraction of how embarrassed you get when he displays his drunken behavior.
Well, that would apply if he ever got drunk in public, which he never did. He drank alone at home most times. He got his DUI after going to a bar for a few more beers and honestly I was surprised. I just figured he was going out to buy more to bring home. Bars were never his style.

I was tempted to say this, "Thank you for letting me know that others are looking at me. So, do I have permission to let you know the same? Like last week when we were with your family at Macaroni Grill and you were so loud that every table in our corner was looking at you and your sister and brother in law left the table because of your obnoxiousness. Would it have been OK for me to tell you that people were looking at you?"

I didn't have the nerve to do it, I am a better person than that, but it doesn't mean I didn't think it, LOL!
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Old 05-13-2012, 07:20 AM
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You are right. You do not have to stoop to his level of trying to humiliate another person. Keep up the stories, and the excitement of life for your son.
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Old 05-13-2012, 11:13 AM
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OMG: he did it again. This time he cut me off mid story to ask me, "Is this really relevant to the overall story itself?" Ummm, well I wasn't telling YOU the story I was telling our son and yes, I felt it was interesting, maybe not necessarily important. Remind me to just NOT TELL STORIES around him anymore. DUH
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Old 05-13-2012, 11:59 AM
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Wow, what a bully.

Clearly you are a better woman than me. I would have gone in the kitchen, gotten a wooden spoon, come back out, smacked him in the head and said "Excuse me. Mommy is talking. Next time you interrupt me I'll get the frying pan."

Well I clearly have a problem with detaching so maybe I would just say- "I'm sorry my story is are bothering you. Maybe the lawnmower will drown out the details while you are mowing the lawn. Didn't you tell me you were working in the yard ALL DAY for me for Mother''s Day? I love you sweetheart."

Clearly I have a lot of work to do. Yeah, I do much better with no contact.

Sorry you are having to deal with Debbie Downer on Mother's Day. Maybe you can get out of the house for a while with your son and do something fun and special just for you.
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Old 05-13-2012, 02:13 PM
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"Is this really relevant to the overall story itself?
Why, yes it is. I would appreciate it if you would just let us adults talk for now.
No more ice cream for you.

Then whisper aside>>Mr. Angry Pants doesn't want us to have fun. But we will.

Start adding loud sound affects to the story.

I love animal stories too. I watch Animal Planet or Crime Stories nearly all day!

Beth
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Old 05-13-2012, 03:13 PM
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Seems like it should be easy to most people, but for me it's not because I take everything too personal.
No.
You do not take everything too personally.
He was so far out of line he couldn't even see the line from where he was.
And you should pat yourself on the back for not letting it ruin your day. (((hugs)))
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Old 05-13-2012, 03:27 PM
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A response- "I am sorry I am not living up to your expectations of me." But maybe not- sarcasm is mean.......I heard in a meeting yesterday on resentments- "Pray for the ******* !"
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