transformyself

I have no money, none. I have never supported myself. Never. I've been evicted from every place I've ever lived and fired from every job I've ever had.

I have never lived on my own at 47 and fully supported myself and I may not be able to. I should ******* accept that. I've lived with my sisters, with my husbands, on child support and whatever meager earnings I can bring in. It's like I"m ********.

I"m so compromised by my PTSD or whatever the hell is wrong with me, and now since I let AH move back in a year ago and things keep slowly getting worse and worse. I feel like I'm in quicksand. He's got so many resentments toward me, told me today that he supports me and I should be more respectful, which is true, but he's blind stinking drunk all the time and I can't stand to be near him. We fight all the time. He pays all the bills and when I get paid I pay bills or buy groceries but it's never enough.

I have to figure out how to get out of here, he's already told me he's not moving out and he's on the lease. I. Am. Screwed.

I am living on bendryl, have hives on my arms and neck and face. I'm a chronic pain patient and now am officially allergic to everything they've given me. Ibuprofin and non steroidals, opiods, they all nearly kill me with hives, My eyes swell shut. The doctors don't know the first thing about actual healing, just treating symptoms with poison, and the alternative practitioners who do healing don't take insurance.


So I've been taking handfulls of tylenol for years and I finally had the same reaction to that.

My youngest is in a full blown asthmatic episode.

I have to figure out how to pull myself out of this. I tried to go to yoga today but hived up really bad in the heated room. I just want to shut down, sleep forever.

Thanks for listening.

wicked

Oh my transform.
Geez, what can I do?
I am sorry, I want to help.
I must think.
It is so frustrating, being stuck and feeling helpless.
Look, I understand how it is, and the codie in me wants to run down there and pick you and the boys up. I think we could come up with something, just not right now.
Will you call me in the morning? I have been putting myself to bed early, part of my recovery.
I have been thinking of you and wondering what is up.
:ghug3

Beth

Thumper

Transform. I'm not sure I have any advice. Sending gentle hugs your way

scrambled2012

It sounds like the first, most important thing to pin down are the job issues. What commonalities were there when you were fired from different jobs? What industries have you tried, and what might you try in future? Of course, like anybody else, there are some things you can't do. What can you do? There are things, finding them is the trick.

Once this is addressed, your increased freedom will allow you to deal with other issues. Don't try to take on everything at once. Deep breath. Investigate the possiabilties. You have internet, and you are not paralized. Those are two assets right there; there are more. Check your local salvation army for ideas, they are good people who contribute a lot to the community; perhaps you can help them, and get ideas for yourself as well.

Best wishes~~~~

theuncertainty

Oh, Transform... sending hugs and a shoulder to lean on. Oh my, the last part of your post hit home so hard. I used to sit and WISH for a coma or to be catatonic. I didn't want to die, I just didn't want to deal w AXH at all any more or face the work or uncertainties that would come in leaving him. Life w him was uncertain, but I knew what to expect, even if I didn't like it.

You are one of the strongest voices I've heard here, please don't believe you AH when he says or implies that you can't do this on your own. You CAN. You just don't see it yet. It will be hard, it's stepping away from a (scary, twisted) comfort zone, but I believe you can do it.

Keep looking for new alternative healing practitioners. There are a few out there that accept insurance. If there is at least one here in AK of all places that does, there are more thru the States.

Hang in there. Ask for help - and accept what is offered - when you need it. Doing it on your own and ALONE are two different things. Remembering that is sooo hard for me.

Hugs, wishing you peace and the clarity to see you are so strong.

akrasia

I'm so sorry.

I hope this isn't cheesy, but when I was in a really bad spot it helped me to remember: "Don't sit down in the [metaphorical] woods." I.e., don't give up.

How about taking some inventory? What "tools" do you have?

1. Good writing skills
2. Internet connection and enough privacy to use it
3. Functioning body (albeit with health struggles)
4. Family? Friends?

Have a look to see what else is around. Is there a church nearby? Social services? Women's shelter? Charity? Understanding landlord who'll find you a different unit?

Next steps: You're looking at employability, your financial situation, long-term health problems--no wonder you're feeling overwhelmed! Maybe for now you could focus on getting to a safe, alkie-free place to live, so you can regroup. What can be a step towards that? Maybe even tonight you can make a list of people to call in the morning. You could even write out a script for your calls: "I can't cope with the stress of living with my alcoholic partner. I fear for my mental health and the well-being of my kids. Is there any help you could give me towards finding a place of my own?"

I see myself getting all prescriptive here. I mean all this in a kindly, helpful way--if none of these suggestions work for you, that's cool.

You've taken a great step by just admitting that you're overwhelmed and want something different--and you've reached out to an online group for help. I hope you pat yourself on the back for that!

transformyself

Oh thank you everyone. Thank you for the kind and thoughtful words. It's all very helpful, I forgot I posted this and it's horribly depressing.

I also forgot to add that Mothers Day is absolutely the worst day of the year for me, I think that's what I was spiraling downward towards.. Plus my dad is coming into town Tuesday, that's always very very difficult for me, subconsciously. So bizarre how these childhood issues manifest. They're opportunistic you know. Sneaking out through in clever ways.

But my oldest son and his girl came and took me and the younger boys out to breakfast, we had so much fun. My oldest boy is 27 and he's actually really happy right now. That' helped a great deal, because if my kids are happy I am. At least for now.

I also went back to yoga again and didn't hive up and got some of that debilitating anxiety down so I can think and pray and move forward.

I still start shutting down when I think of moving, but have people calling me and offering help and advise for starting my own business.

The only thing I can do for a living is write, but fortunately I do that well. My issue is being well enough to be consistent. I work in politics, and there are people calling me and offering me money to do the work I've been doing for three years for free. That's good. I have to decide between forming an non-profit or a PAC

AH had the weekend off and was blind stinking drunk the whole time. My car is broken down AGAIN so there was no getting away from him. The kids and I stayed in the house and he stayed outside. Every now and then he would venture in and try to interject or say something and I would tell him to go back outside. The kids have had it too with his drinking so I have to stop being immobilized and get us the **** out of here.

So I'm taking baby steps. I think when I posted this I was at my lowest although I suppose I could go lower. Not looking too, just want to build up my sanity and safety until I'm my old self.

I have a full day today but plan to go back and read my old posts, and more of the stickies. Those always help too.

JenT1968

hang in there Transform.

you are strong, capable, skilled and creative, you will find your own way forward out of this, and if anyone offers help on the way, take it, lean a little on the support, take the hands that can help you pull back up.

I remember very well just wanting to "cease", not die, but somehow stop. Exhaustion and anxiety will do that to a person.

I rarely remember myself until after the storm, but H.A.L.T. does help me when I'm in a bad place.

Your body will be much more able to heal once your mind is not flooding it with adrenaline and other stress hormones, you know all that.

So what if you've not lived alone yet? Societally, it's an entirely a new phenomenon, and if/when you do, you'll excel at it. All those good things on the horizon? you made all of those happen, and you'll make other good things happen in your life too.

Anyone, ANYONE, who can live with an active alcoholic for more than a week and not physically shatter into a million tiny pieces in a firework display due to the insane chaos of it all, can take on the normal world in their sleep with both arms tied behind their back and FLY.

and you are not just anyone.
baby steps rock. (())

cymbal

(((hugs)))
You're not alone.
For me I do alot of beating myself up (self-loathing).
I wish my situation and past are/were different.

I find that when I practice acceptance, then I feel better.
I just reread that Al-Anon book,"In All Our Affairs-Making Crisis Work For You."
I think for me that just reading other peoples experience really helps me know
that doing things differently works.

Have you read the book, "Mind, Body, Spirit"? I'm kind of your classic nerd/bookworm.

Sometimes my inner anxiety manifests on my body. I get blisters. This happens when my fear is at the surface. I really try to put good stuff in like reading the Al-Anon dailies.
I know that my stinking thinking is not healthy.

Can you make a first things first list? And break it down to manageable bits.

I know that I need to ask for help, but its so hard when that was punishable behavior as a child. I'm so proud of you for coming here to ask for help.

You've been on my heart recently and in my prayers. Thank you so much for posting.

You are not the only one who allowed your husband to come back for financial reasons.
You are going to be just fine. You're also not alone with PTSD.
((((more hugs))))
Thanks for letting me share.

transformyself

gosh thank you everyone for the prayers and kindness and wisdom. I'll do my best to pass it along.

this makes me cry.