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Old 05-12-2012, 04:59 PM   #1 (permalink)

Join Date: May 2012
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hi i need someone to talk to

hi all i'm new here and really need to talk to someone. i have no one around me who i can talk to about this.
i have been with my husband 12 years and he has always had a drink problem he knows it and is always trying to improve it and he does often but he always relapses and i'm the one who has to suffer for it. we learnt he can't drink spirts a long time ago cause it makes him nasty (hes never hit me) and he stopped drinking them. but we have recently found out drinking strong beers does the same and he had stopped drinking them but i suspect hes doing it again. because hes started being nasty again. its hard to explain what he does but its picking arguements out of nothing, making out i've said things i haven't, making me out to be a bad mum. like my son painted his nails and that caused a major problem for my husband he had a right go about it and threated me. i come home from work to him being drunk and having ago at me for nothing, i get phone calls at work and hes drunk. we have 2 children which he has to look after while i'm at work and i worry myself sick when i'm at work. my daugther is a very mature 10 and most of the time feels like she has to watch her 3 year old brother.
when hes sober hes a great dad and husband. i know its not him when hes drunk and i know why he drinks (he had a bad upbringing and his dad was also a alcholic, all hes brothers and sisters drink to acess but it seems to affect them differently and they seem able to control it)
i feel like i should be telling him to go and do whats best for my children but i don't want to break their hearts or give up on him.
but i'm not sure i can do this anymore, i have no one to talk to because i don't want people to judge him or me.
thank you for listening
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Old 05-12-2012, 05:43 PM   #2 (permalink)
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I don't have any real advice to give you on this one except to say that you would find Al Anon meetings most helpful. Taking care of your kids should be a number one priority for you and then finding some serenity for you through Al Anon literature, etc. I'm sorry you are struggling, we've all been through something similar and understand your frustration and heartache.
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Old 05-12-2012, 05:44 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Welcome, I am sorry that you are in pain.

Your husband has possibly inherited the gene that predisposed him to addiction. This is a progressive disease that does not have any cure, he will be an addict all his life, it is just a matter of whether he is sober or not and working a strong lifelong recovery program.

With that said, he has now passed the predisposition gene onto his children. Now, that doesn't mean that they will become alcoholics or drug addicts. I am the child of an alcoholic, as is my brother and neither of us are addicts, although we both have either married or lived with addicts and have suffered from anxiety and a negative self image.

I can tell you from my own personal experience, I would have rather lived with one sober, loving parent in a reduced material enviorment rather than be exposed to the turmoil of addiction.

Your daughter is attempting to take on the responsibility of a parent, IMHO this is not a healthy situation for her. I've been there, done that, not good, I was forced to be an adult...way before my time...I had no childhood.

Take some time to read the stickeys at the top of this forum and the Family & Friends of Substance Abusers, lots of helpful information at your fingertips.

Have you considered going to Alanon meetings? Might be a good idea.

Keep posting, keep reading others posts and most important put those minor children first, you are their future.
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wicked (05-13-2012)
Old 05-13-2012, 12:52 AM   #4 (permalink)

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thank you both for your replies.
they all drink for the same reason even his dad who is now dry and has been for a few years. they where raised as jehovahs witness and drink to escape what they have been told.
i did look for a meeting but there wasn't one in my area the closest was in next city 40 mins bus ride which i wouldn't mind but it was at night and it was to late to be out and i often work at nights. which is a shame cause i wanted to go to one.
i'm currently in the process of stepping down from my manargerment role to become a cashier so i don't have to work nights anymore so i'm always there for the kids and it also means if i decide to leave my husband i can get childcare.
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Old 05-13-2012, 07:12 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Welcome to the SR family!

I'm glad you found us, but sorry for the reasons that brought you here.

I was married to my alcoholic for 14 years. My children were one of the main reasons I finally left. I realized I was modeling an unhealthy relationship to my children.

I did not want my son growing up and treating his future relationship partner the way my AXH (alcoholic ex husband) was treating me.
I also did not want my daughter growing up and accepting the unacceptable behaviors I was accepting from her future relationship partner.

While I tried to make my plan to leave, I had to find a way to live in the present situation. I found a post here at SR that contained steps which helped me while living with active alcoholism.

Here is a link to the post that helped me:

"How does one become a butterfly?" she asked pensively.
"You must want to fly so much that you are willing to give up being a caterpillar."

Trina Paulus
Hope for the Flowers
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Old 05-13-2012, 08:07 AM   #6 (permalink)

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Reading your post makes me cry. Your storry is exactly mine, like Pelicans story too...makes me realize how not crazy I am. My ah just relapsed Fri after 8mos sober and he moved out. He's acting like I did something wrong. He too is a great husband and father sober and I kept justifying that to everyone...his dad was alcoholic, mom addicted to drugs, sisters alcoholics....you really have to just protect your children and that's all you can do. Keep posting, it helps.
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Old 05-13-2012, 03:43 PM   #7 (permalink)

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thank you all.
i had a talk with my dh today and he said he had been drinking cider which he didn't know created the moods so thats off limits to. i told him how he makes me feel when he is nasty to me. i think i found the answer to why he overreacted about the nail varnish though so i feel better there. he had a nasty cousin who treated him horriable and he remebers her dressing him up and forcing him to wear nail varnish. i know it doesn't excuss it but it helps me to understand.
i had a long think today and i know hes not perfect but hes alot better than what he was in first year or so we was together and over time hes learnt what he can and can't drink. i know there will be other days he does this but i'm not willing to give up on him just yet but i will take our children away from him when he is drunk.
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Old 05-13-2012, 04:54 PM   #8 (permalink)
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i know there will be other days he does this but i'm not willing to give up on him just yet but i will take our children away from him when he is drunk.
Please do some reading in the Adult Children of Alcoholics forum.
Their future? You can bet it will be some version of the hell you are in now.
Your daughter, at 10, should not feel like it is her duty to care for her siblings.
Get your eyes off the alcoholic and look at your children.
I am 53 years old, and yes, I am still having relationship problems from my childhood.

But you understand his nail polish story. Good. Now think about your own children who have no voice.

"Dating is not an appropriate treatment modality."

LexieCat, 2/12/2011
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dbh (05-13-2012)
Old 05-14-2012, 12:25 AM   #9 (permalink)

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my children are always first in my mind.
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Old 05-14-2012, 04:51 AM   #10 (permalink)

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I'm sorry for your pain and what you are gonig through. As everyone says, keep coming here and reading and posting as it helps so much.

Since there is so much he can't drink, sounds like he shouldn't drink at all. You shouldn't have to worry about keep the children away from their Daddy when he's drunk. That isn't right or normal. My AH of 30 years has been verbally abusive, still is. The times I"ve talked to him about how I feel when he's that way never did any good. He never changed. His behavior was always my fault according to him so I was always trying my best to keep things running smoothly, etc to hopefully keep from making him angry and all that follows with it. Waste of time...total waste of time. All that worry and stress I put myself through! I am working now on forgiving myself for that and moving foward.

Again, you need to think about you children and yourself. Doesn't sound like a healthy environment right now. Alcoholism is progressive, it will only get worse.
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