Fenris

Hi...I'm not new to SR, but this is my first post in the Friends/Family section. This time last year, I was in rehab for my alcoholism. Through a little trial-and-error over the last year, along with a lot of AA and these forums, I've found a way to live sober. But during that time, while I was focused (too much?) on myself and getting well, my wife cultivated an opiate addiction. It wasn't really anything new, but as with alcoholism, it got progressively worse, until last month when she was hospitalized, almost died, and involuntarily committed to rehab. She's coming home in the next week or so, and while I know its hypocritical, I'm angry at her. I need some perspective and I'm hoping you guys can help me with that. As an alcoholic, I understand a lot of what she's gone through, is going through....do I have a right to be angry at her? Do I just open the doors to her like nothing ever happened? I'm a little lost on this one and my sponsor advised me to go to an Alanon meeting (which I will), but I thought I'd start here. Thanks in advance.

--Fenris.

Hollyanne

Nope, you don't have the right to be angry.
But if you are angry, you are angry.
Give her a chance to settle in and then talk.
You can tell her the things that helped you.
This is your chance to help another addict.
Congratulations on your own sobriety. Well done.
The best of luck to you both and do go to Alanon.

LifeRecovery

You did not cause her addiction
You cannot control her addiction
You cannot cure her addiction

Just like she could not with you.

I don't think we have any control over our emotions (be it mad, sad, glad), but we DO have control over what we do with those emotions.

If being mad means that you go and beat someone up, not okay
If being mad means that you deal with it, address it etc it is what it is.

I usually realize that my emotions are often more about me than another person.

Congrats on your sobriety

Impurrfect

I can't say whether you have a right to be angry, but I can say I understand it. I'm an RA, living at home thanks to consequences of my addiction. My stepmom is addicted to pain pills and anything else she can get (other than alcohol). Though she will admit to being an A, she will tell me she is "just fine" with her eyes half closed, words slurred, or passed out on the couch.

I've been on this forum since I joined SR. Though I'm doing well with my recovery, I still struggle with dealing with others'. Hypocritical? Some would say yes. I don't think so. I do know the 3 C's and remind myself, every day. Do I wonder if this is payback for what I put my family through with MY addiction? Sometimes yes, sometimes no.

What I have learned here are feelings are just feelings. I may have feelings I don't like, or are inappropriate for a situation, but it's how I ACT that's more important. Usually, I come here, call supportive friends/family, and work through it.

I wish you both the best of luck.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

Fenris

Thank you for the responses and insight.

Hollyanne

You night have some experience in AA, befriending someone and they just keep "messing up".
How can they not see the way?
I am frustrated with a friend in AA at the moment.
I suppose you have to accept that this is her journey and as with you, I am sure she did not PLAN on becoming an addict but as anyone in the friends and family section will tell you, it is very stressful dealing with addiction. She lost herself along the way.

Hopefully, you will both look back at this difficult period, and be happy and healthy.
That is my hope and prayer for you

EnglishGarden

What are you angry about? That part isn't clear.

I've been told that sometimes when men are angry, underneath that is fear. Does that fit for you?

Your anger, if not released in some safe way, could become toxic, so if you have any physical activity you can throw yourself into, you might start now and continue through her first year of sobriety.

You now have issues of addiction as well as issues of codependency. But the addiction issues are for you much more critical, so I hope you will take care of yourself and work your own vigorous recovery from addiction. It's a cunning disease and it finds ways to sabotage a man's best efforts, and resentments is one of them. Wishing you good health and sobriety. She can deal with her own. Don't get enmeshed in that.

Amy27

Maybe you have a little more understanding about what it is like to be on the receiving end of loving an addict. There is irony in this karma.

In our anger we forget about love, compassion, and kindness. Resentment and anger hinder our ability to move forward and grow as individuals.

Work on your recovery, work on not becoming codependent, and don't let her bad habits drag you away from sobriety