Thoughts on my wedding anniversary...
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 485
Thoughts on my wedding anniversary...
Today is my fifth wedding anniversary and I'm spending it at my parents' without my AH. I'm a little sad, but I feel like delving into this site over the last week has really helped me face reality. It's really saved me from getting too distraught and letting the chaos break me down into an emotional mess.
A few things I've realized:
1) Last night AH was very drunk, calling me non-stop, and I was at times seriously worried about his physical health. I spent half my night worrying, feeling sorry for him when he was on one of his emotional drunk ramblings. I felt bad for things that have happened to him in life. He said he is mostly a mess because he feels bad for everything he's put his loved ones through. I worried that he'd drink himself to death. You know what, though? Somehow he managed to go to bed in time to sober up for work today. I'm done being his emotional hostage and listening to him go on for hours out of fear that something bad will happen. Something bad is already happening, and it's happening to me and our children. What good am I to them if I'm in another room on the phone with him, or crying and a mess like he is? If something bad is going to happen, it's going to happen, and that's beyond my control.
2) As much as my parents can annoy me at times, I am so much happier here. The kids have love and attention from family and we all have peace. No worrying about what kind of mood daddy will be in, and I don't have to worry about his drinking. I've realized how distracted dealing with AH has made me. I'll be having a great day with the kids, and then he'll pick on me for something or scream at me for mentioning my fears about his drinking, and it'll completely turn my mood into a dark one. My kids deserve a present mom!
(3) I've realized through reading this site that my husband IS an alcoholic and he's mentally sick. I've spent five years justifying and glossing over these binges as isolated incidents, when in reality, the last five years have been terrible for me and they've also been classic alcoholism. My state of mind has not been a healthy one. There's a freedom that comes with accepting that his choices are beyond my control and that it's almost arrogant to think I can fix him. I'm done nagging and being his "controlling, psycho wife." I have every right to expect more out of life than living every SINGLE day in fear of someone else drinking. That's a life sentence. I can't live it anymore.
4) If I go back home now, as much as I do miss my house and my privacy, I might as well stay there forever. I am teaching him that no matter what hell he puts me through, or what HORRIFIC things he says to me, I will take it, and then ask for more. If I go back, I'm feeding my own codependent sickness and selfishness, and feeding his alcoholism. I'm hurting my children my taking peace and stability from them. If I go home and he acts normally again, it will be a phony fantasyland. Things will go right back to how they were. He'll make every promise. He'll say how sorry he is and how much he "loves" me. Then, in a couple of months, a social event will come up that requires him to go out without me. I'll protest it, and we'll fight. He'll tell me that I HAVE to learn to trust him again and let him build trust if we're ever going to survive. I'll begrudgingly agree. Then I'll be back at my parents when he doesn't come home that night. It's funny, but this is almost an exact science. It's the cycle I've been on for five years.
I'm sorry for the length of this post, but you all have no idea how cathartic writing this down has been for me. When I've been to therapy about this, she tells me I am smart and I seem to know a lot about this and how it works, and I seem very in touch with myself. What I've realized lately is I know exactly what I need to do, I just need to DO IT!!!!!!!!!!
A few things I've realized:
1) Last night AH was very drunk, calling me non-stop, and I was at times seriously worried about his physical health. I spent half my night worrying, feeling sorry for him when he was on one of his emotional drunk ramblings. I felt bad for things that have happened to him in life. He said he is mostly a mess because he feels bad for everything he's put his loved ones through. I worried that he'd drink himself to death. You know what, though? Somehow he managed to go to bed in time to sober up for work today. I'm done being his emotional hostage and listening to him go on for hours out of fear that something bad will happen. Something bad is already happening, and it's happening to me and our children. What good am I to them if I'm in another room on the phone with him, or crying and a mess like he is? If something bad is going to happen, it's going to happen, and that's beyond my control.
2) As much as my parents can annoy me at times, I am so much happier here. The kids have love and attention from family and we all have peace. No worrying about what kind of mood daddy will be in, and I don't have to worry about his drinking. I've realized how distracted dealing with AH has made me. I'll be having a great day with the kids, and then he'll pick on me for something or scream at me for mentioning my fears about his drinking, and it'll completely turn my mood into a dark one. My kids deserve a present mom!
(3) I've realized through reading this site that my husband IS an alcoholic and he's mentally sick. I've spent five years justifying and glossing over these binges as isolated incidents, when in reality, the last five years have been terrible for me and they've also been classic alcoholism. My state of mind has not been a healthy one. There's a freedom that comes with accepting that his choices are beyond my control and that it's almost arrogant to think I can fix him. I'm done nagging and being his "controlling, psycho wife." I have every right to expect more out of life than living every SINGLE day in fear of someone else drinking. That's a life sentence. I can't live it anymore.
4) If I go back home now, as much as I do miss my house and my privacy, I might as well stay there forever. I am teaching him that no matter what hell he puts me through, or what HORRIFIC things he says to me, I will take it, and then ask for more. If I go back, I'm feeding my own codependent sickness and selfishness, and feeding his alcoholism. I'm hurting my children my taking peace and stability from them. If I go home and he acts normally again, it will be a phony fantasyland. Things will go right back to how they were. He'll make every promise. He'll say how sorry he is and how much he "loves" me. Then, in a couple of months, a social event will come up that requires him to go out without me. I'll protest it, and we'll fight. He'll tell me that I HAVE to learn to trust him again and let him build trust if we're ever going to survive. I'll begrudgingly agree. Then I'll be back at my parents when he doesn't come home that night. It's funny, but this is almost an exact science. It's the cycle I've been on for five years.
I'm sorry for the length of this post, but you all have no idea how cathartic writing this down has been for me. When I've been to therapy about this, she tells me I am smart and I seem to know a lot about this and how it works, and I seem very in touch with myself. What I've realized lately is I know exactly what I need to do, I just need to DO IT!!!!!!!!!!
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Emmy,
Thank you for posting this. I wish that I could have posted this on my 5th anniversary, instead I stayed. and hoped, and hoped.
I even had my children telling me that they wish that I had left, 10 years at least, b4 I actually did leave.
I left after 25 1/2 years, still hoping and hoping.
Guess what I got on my 26th anniversary, he went to a lawyer, on that day to file divorce papers from me, bc I left him.
It hurts, but get off that roller coaster now.
((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))
Thank you for posting this. I wish that I could have posted this on my 5th anniversary, instead I stayed. and hoped, and hoped.
I even had my children telling me that they wish that I had left, 10 years at least, b4 I actually did leave.
I left after 25 1/2 years, still hoping and hoping.
Guess what I got on my 26th anniversary, he went to a lawyer, on that day to file divorce papers from me, bc I left him.
It hurts, but get off that roller coaster now.
((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 30
Oh Emmy, I feel your pain......I've been married and now divorced from the love of my life. We have 5 kids together and I lived that cycle for far to long! I hope you can break free sooner than I did, with your health and mind intact. Your kids need you, and you need you! I always, and still do tell myself "if it's God's plan for us to be together, this too, shall pass" but, you can't control what he does or what his priorities are. Just take care of you!
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
I was in a similar situation on my fifth anniversary.
Within a week I finally got into the doors of Al-anon. My exAH was/is? also a binge drinker....but the impact was not isolated events.
Keep up the good work (no matter how long you think the posts are they are good work).
Within a week I finally got into the doors of Al-anon. My exAH was/is? also a binge drinker....but the impact was not isolated events.
Keep up the good work (no matter how long you think the posts are they are good work).
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Good post, sounds like you are moving in the right direction...now, turn off the phone and get some sleep tonight, answering his calls and reading/listening to his messages are a total waste of an evening and valuable time that you could be spending with your children.
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Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 433
Yes, a peaceful environment is something all children should have as a given. And you're right, you are waiting for something terrible to happen, but it's already happening--you are being emotionally abused and driven into the ground by your A. Your children are growing up in an alcoholic home.
My XA never drank and rarely got upset around my kids. He somehow managed to control himself and save it all up for when the kids were at their dad's. And it was dreadful--literally, I started to dread the two nights a week when the kids were at their dad's because I never knew what the XA was going to dish out to me when we were alone.
Want to hear something really sad? In the month since I gave XA the boot from my house, both my dog and my kitten are so much happier. No longer are they enduring his yelling all the time, his shoving me around and throwing stuff and slamming things. They nuzzle up to me all the time now, follow me around, and are just happier. If the alcoholic chaos clearly impacted my PETS, imagine what it would've done to my children if he had really lost control and started acting out around THEM.
My XA never drank and rarely got upset around my kids. He somehow managed to control himself and save it all up for when the kids were at their dad's. And it was dreadful--literally, I started to dread the two nights a week when the kids were at their dad's because I never knew what the XA was going to dish out to me when we were alone.
Want to hear something really sad? In the month since I gave XA the boot from my house, both my dog and my kitten are so much happier. No longer are they enduring his yelling all the time, his shoving me around and throwing stuff and slamming things. They nuzzle up to me all the time now, follow me around, and are just happier. If the alcoholic chaos clearly impacted my PETS, imagine what it would've done to my children if he had really lost control and started acting out around THEM.
Every day is special just because we get to live it.
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 26
Emmy,
Reading your posts, I, too, am in awe of your strength and wisdom! I know it's hard. I spent my 6th anniversary at my first Alanon meeting. My AH and I are separated. We separated about six weeks ago. He's been sober since then and on his best behavior.
But like you wrote, if I take him back, it's like I'm accepting the past bad behavior. So what's to stop him from behaving exactly like that again? (By past bad behavior, I mean being verbally and emotionally abusive, and he threatened to kill me if I called the police, the last time he was drunk.)
THAT is not the life I want for myself. I feel gypped. This isn't what I signed up for! I know he'll promise this will never happen again, etc, etc. But the odds are that he WILL drink again.
So for now, for today, we stay separated, and I live the best life I can. And I watch his behavior, because that is going to tell me everything I need to know.
Reading your posts, I, too, am in awe of your strength and wisdom! I know it's hard. I spent my 6th anniversary at my first Alanon meeting. My AH and I are separated. We separated about six weeks ago. He's been sober since then and on his best behavior.
But like you wrote, if I take him back, it's like I'm accepting the past bad behavior. So what's to stop him from behaving exactly like that again? (By past bad behavior, I mean being verbally and emotionally abusive, and he threatened to kill me if I called the police, the last time he was drunk.)
THAT is not the life I want for myself. I feel gypped. This isn't what I signed up for! I know he'll promise this will never happen again, etc, etc. But the odds are that he WILL drink again.
So for now, for today, we stay separated, and I live the best life I can. And I watch his behavior, because that is going to tell me everything I need to know.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 485
Originally Posted by LifeRecovery 
I was in a similar situation on my fifth anniversary.
Within a week I finally got into the doors of Al-anon. My exAH was/is? also a binge drinker....but the impact was not isolated events.
Keep up the good work (no matter how long you think the posts are they are good work).
Within a week I finally got into the doors of Al-anon. My exAH was/is? also a binge drinker....but the impact was not isolated events.
Keep up the good work (no matter how long you think the posts are they are good work).
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 110
This post sounds hopeful and is very insightful. You are right - you have no control over his actions. And though we may try to control, at the core - at least for me and possibly for others - it's about "Aren't I good enough? I didn't do anything. What did I do? Maybe if I do this you'll love me..." etc.
Oh sweetheart. You and your babies are so lucky to have your parents, annoying as they may be (I am somewhat in your situation, without children but having to consider moving in with my mother). Good luck to you and stay strong...
Oh sweetheart. You and your babies are so lucky to have your parents, annoying as they may be (I am somewhat in your situation, without children but having to consider moving in with my mother). Good luck to you and stay strong...
Lord Have Mercy
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Upper Midwest
Posts: 242
Way to go Emmy!
I like the part about what you put up with out of fear that something bad will happen, followed by the realization that something bad is already happening.
You are coming out of denial and to me, it is quite impressive.
I like the part about what you put up with out of fear that something bad will happen, followed by the realization that something bad is already happening.
You are coming out of denial and to me, it is quite impressive.
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