lillamy

I started a new journal today.

I used to journal on a daily basis. Until I met the man who was to become my AXH. Then I stopped writing. Because I could no longer be honest in my writing. Because I knew he would read my journal. And if I were honest with myself, what I wrote would cause him to fly into a fury.

God, you think I should have figured at that point that this guy wasn't exactly marrying material, huh?

Anyway.

Journaling, after (counting on fingers) six year in Al-Anon and with SR, is something I'm ready for again. Being honest with myself. Finding my way back to who I am. Or forward. It really is forward. But anyway.

I thought of what I think Cyranoak said (if it's someone else, I apologize):
And I meditated on that as if it was holy writ. In an alcoholic marriage, you keep hoping for something different even after reality has proven to you again and again that the only thing you get here is more of the same.

But there's another aspect of this. In two parts:

1) Expecting anyone else to live up to what you want them to be (this can be your A, your children, your friends, your parents) is really going about it bass ackwards.

Remember Procrustes from the Greek mythology? I think he was a Titan, but I may be wrong -- anyway: He invited travelers to stay at his house and sleep on his iron bed. And then he fit them to his iron bed: If they were too short, he would pull on them from both sides until they fit. If they were too tall, he'd chop off whatever stuck out. And of course, he had two beds, so nobody ever fit.

This is what we do when we expect someone else to live up to our standards or expectations.

We have the right to have expectations and standards. But we don't have the right to try to mold people's personalities to fit those expectations and standards. Every person has their own inner potential that they can choose to realize or not. It's not our place to tell a fish it ought to be a butterfly.

But we DO have the right to not get stuck with a fish when we thought we were getting a butterfly.

2) Cyrano's saying is true also in the other case, which I'm living now, where, post-leaving my AXH, I have been showered with blessings. From the people who helped furnish my house to the things that just seemed to fall into place to the obstacles that either made me jump higher or take an alternate route.

And that one, I hadn't realized before. I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. Because that's what it was like when I was married to an A. I always lived cowering, walking on eggshells, playing defense, call it what you like.

I thought of an RA friend of mine, who was a miserable SOB with a wicked sense of humor when we worked together. His comment on every new project was, "I'm sure we'll be able to f**k this up, too, given enough time and resources." And that's pretty much where I've been since I left AXH. Without the humor. I've totally sat around waiting for the other shoe to drop. From AXH, I should expect that. From the rest of life? Not so much.

That. Is. Not. My. Reality. Any. More.

My reality now is that the world is a good place. It's OK to be vulnerable. It's OK to expect miracles. Because they keep happening, goshdarnit.

I need to adjust my expectations accordingly.



And with that, my Saturday morning sermon is concluded. Please now turn to hymn number 432 and sing with me: "It's a Wonderful World."

(And if it's not, feel free to say bad words about me and this post. Get it out. Go beat some pillows. But remember, it can be a wonderful world.)

saljay

wow, this hits home!

Hopeworks

Great insightful and thoughful post Lillamy!

Isn't it great to shed the old toxic thinking and lifestyle and wake up each day to zero egg shells to step on? No alcoholic crisis to solve today? No snoring A that is going to wake up as grumpy as an old grizzly bear with a toothache?

My biggest problem today is having to clean up the house before going out to play golf on a beautiful sunny day with a good friend and then we are going dancing! Haven't done that in a looooooong time ...

Its a good problem to have...a few of my own dishes and clothes to wash

laurie6781

WOW, that is no sermon, that is quite an insightful share of what you have learned about you!!!!!!!!!!

Your growth and hard work is definitely showing!!!!

Thank you so much!!!!!!

Love and hugs,

DesertEyes

Goodness lillamy, what a wonderful post. Awesome recovery, thank you so much for sharing that.

Mike

Spes

You brought tears to my eyes. Thank you so very much for sharing.

LifeRecovery

Even if you were avoiding doing your "homework" for your therapist I am glad you took the time to write this down.

Recovery has been a great gift and miracle for me, and I read in all your posts how it has been for you too.

Thanks for sharing.