SOS! Take my friend to rehab or not?
hopeandbe
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Northern CA
Posts: 18
SOS! Take my friend to rehab or not?
Hi, all -
Need some advice today if possible -my AXGF has relapsed after getting bad news about her cancer - it's back, and she has been drinking and taking Ativan for the past 12 days.
Her family is not helping me at all, as they are not in the area. She lives by herself in an apartment. She picked up a prescription for 90 Ativan last week, and I am in possession of the bottle, trying to dole them out to prevent her from going through withdrawal from the Ativan. But she keeps drinking about every other day. Her doctor is not responding to any calls from her family.
I want to back away, but I am the only one trying to help her out right now. I contacted a local rehab facility, and they have a bed available, but she doesn't want to go. Her AA sponsor has been by to see her, and she tells me to wait and see, but I'm also getting calls from her landlady who is worried, and is getting complaints about her falling down in the middle of the night.
Her sponsor and I have tried to get her to go to rehab voluntarily, but she refuses. I, however, am worried she will die! She hasn't showered in 2 weeks, and is eating very little. She won't contact anyone unless she needs Ativan.
What to do? Take her to rehab anyway? I need help! Thanks
Need some advice today if possible -my AXGF has relapsed after getting bad news about her cancer - it's back, and she has been drinking and taking Ativan for the past 12 days.
Her family is not helping me at all, as they are not in the area. She lives by herself in an apartment. She picked up a prescription for 90 Ativan last week, and I am in possession of the bottle, trying to dole them out to prevent her from going through withdrawal from the Ativan. But she keeps drinking about every other day. Her doctor is not responding to any calls from her family.
I want to back away, but I am the only one trying to help her out right now. I contacted a local rehab facility, and they have a bed available, but she doesn't want to go. Her AA sponsor has been by to see her, and she tells me to wait and see, but I'm also getting calls from her landlady who is worried, and is getting complaints about her falling down in the middle of the night.
Her sponsor and I have tried to get her to go to rehab voluntarily, but she refuses. I, however, am worried she will die! She hasn't showered in 2 weeks, and is eating very little. She won't contact anyone unless she needs Ativan.
What to do? Take her to rehab anyway? I need help! Thanks
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,866
If she doesn't want to go to rehab, you cannot force her. She is an adult and has a right to live her life as she wants. Recovery cannot be forced on another person. It doesn't work that way.
If you feel she is a danger to herself, you can call 911, but it will be up to them whether or not to transport her to a hospital. If she refuses to go, there isn't much they or anyone else can do.
If you feel she is a danger to herself, you can call 911, but it will be up to them whether or not to transport her to a hospital. If she refuses to go, there isn't much they or anyone else can do.
hopeandbe
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Northern CA
Posts: 18
Yes, in thinking about it, I had to ask myself if I am doing this to relieve my stress, or hers. I know she will probably just walk out of rehab, but posted this thread to help me sort out my feelings and see if anyone has any other ideas.
I am going to go talk to her this morning and just let her know I am here if she needs me. That's all I can do, I guess. Her brother is coming up to go with me, and all we can do is be there if she wants us to be. It's time for me to "Let Go and Let God."
If anyone else has some advice, I am willing to listen. Thank you.
I am going to go talk to her this morning and just let her know I am here if she needs me. That's all I can do, I guess. Her brother is coming up to go with me, and all we can do is be there if she wants us to be. It's time for me to "Let Go and Let God."
If anyone else has some advice, I am willing to listen. Thank you.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 253
Originally Posted by hopeandbe 
Hi, all -
She picked up a prescription for 90 Ativan last week, and I am in possession of the bottle, trying to dole them out to prevent her from going through withdrawal from the Ativan. But she keeps drinking about every other day. Her doctor is not responding to any calls from her family.
She picked up a prescription for 90 Ativan last week, and I am in possession of the bottle, trying to dole them out to prevent her from going through withdrawal from the Ativan. But she keeps drinking about every other day. Her doctor is not responding to any calls from her family.
I admire your desire to be helpful but Ativan is a controlled substance and, more often than not, fatal when combined with alcohol abuse. I have almost lost my wife more than once from alcohol and this type of medication.
And the doctor won't talk to anyone due to HIPAA laws. I had to get a legal document drawn up to allow the doctor to talk to me about my wife's health issues.
Suki is very right....your options are very limited
hopeandbe
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Northern CA
Posts: 18
Thanks, Spes. I am relinquishing control of the Ativan this morning. I am giving it to her brother. If he wants to leave them for her, so be it. I do know the doctor has cut off her prescription at the pharmacy, so she has about 40 left.
I am chanting the three "c's" this morning, and trying to let go of my own manipulative behaviors. This is causing me great stress, and I need to work on myself. It's soooo hard, and I can't keep going like this. She will do what she is going to do, no matter what.
Please, please keep posting. I need your support, and it really helps for me to talk this out.
I am chanting the three "c's" this morning, and trying to let go of my own manipulative behaviors. This is causing me great stress, and I need to work on myself. It's soooo hard, and I can't keep going like this. She will do what she is going to do, no matter what.
Please, please keep posting. I need your support, and it really helps for me to talk this out.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
As a friend you have no legal powers but her family can pursue a court order to have her placed in rehab against her will... in Florida this is called the Marchman Act. It is not available everywhere so you will need to have her family check with the Clerk of the Court or an attorney.
The benefit of this would be that she could be medically and safely detoxed and given the opportunity to make decisions not under the direct influence of the drugs... however.. the drawbacks are that addictive thinking does not leave the person immediately and most are VERY resentful of those who interfere with their decision to drink or drug.
You cannot do this ... only a direct family member or spouse so simply make them aware of this possibility or the possibility of an intervention. While interventions can work the percentages are very low... when an alcoholic or addict makes the personal decision to get well the odds get somewhat better. I wish I could give better news but alcoholism is progressive and fatal left untreated and that is not something anyone can control but the addict.
The benefit of this would be that she could be medically and safely detoxed and given the opportunity to make decisions not under the direct influence of the drugs... however.. the drawbacks are that addictive thinking does not leave the person immediately and most are VERY resentful of those who interfere with their decision to drink or drug.
You cannot do this ... only a direct family member or spouse so simply make them aware of this possibility or the possibility of an intervention. While interventions can work the percentages are very low... when an alcoholic or addict makes the personal decision to get well the odds get somewhat better. I wish I could give better news but alcoholism is progressive and fatal left untreated and that is not something anyone can control but the addict.
hopeandbe
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Northern CA
Posts: 18
Thanks, Hope. I am very relieved someone from her family is finally stepping up. I know I have no legal rights, and I've been pretty frustrated with the lack of help from her family, but they don't know what to do, either. I called them last night and said look, it's time to fish or cut bait. I told them I can't do this anymore, and I need help. I think they are finally listening.
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As has been said alcohol & ativan combo is dangerous. She is probably getting extremely intoxicated on little alcohol. She is probably having massive blackouts & might not even know the day.
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Hello hopeandbe, and pleased to "meet" you 
I am glad to hear that your friend's brother has decided to help. As others have said, they are the ones that are legally capable of dealing with this issue.
Like your AXGF I also have a terminal disease, and a very painful one. I completely understand how somebody with a relapse of cancer would want to just end it all the easy way. My suggestion is to see if the brother can organize a "watch". That means that he contacts as many people as possible who can call her, knock on her door, and do it in a regulated manner. Such as one contact in the morning, one in the afternoon, one at night. If she is conscious then all is well and walk away.
If she does not reply, then the brother has the opportunity to call 911 and have her detoxed on an involuntary hold. Once she is clear of all the chemicals she will have a clear head and can make an informed decision as to what she wants to do with the rest of her life. And those who love her can say their final good byes and get themselves to a safe "distance" emotionally.
I've done "watches" with folks in recovery who are terminal. They are hugely painful to those of us who care for the alkie, but it does give us peace of mind that we did _everything_ that is humanely possible.
Mike
I am glad to hear that your friend's brother has decided to help. As others have said, they are the ones that are legally capable of dealing with this issue.
Like your AXGF I also have a terminal disease, and a very painful one. I completely understand how somebody with a relapse of cancer would want to just end it all the easy way. My suggestion is to see if the brother can organize a "watch". That means that he contacts as many people as possible who can call her, knock on her door, and do it in a regulated manner. Such as one contact in the morning, one in the afternoon, one at night. If she is conscious then all is well and walk away.
If she does not reply, then the brother has the opportunity to call 911 and have her detoxed on an involuntary hold. Once she is clear of all the chemicals she will have a clear head and can make an informed decision as to what she wants to do with the rest of her life. And those who love her can say their final good byes and get themselves to a safe "distance" emotionally.
I've done "watches" with folks in recovery who are terminal. They are hugely painful to those of us who care for the alkie, but it does give us peace of mind that we did _everything_ that is humanely possible.
Mike
hopeandbe
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Northern CA
Posts: 18
Thanks, Mike. It is nice to "meet" you. too. I am sorry about your illness. I know it's tough - my frined has been battling lung cancer with mets to brain for three years now. She was given the "all clear" about six months ago, but now there are 4 more new tumors. That just sent her over the edge. No one is blaming her. I did just get back from seeing her, and she hasn't been drinking for two days, but is very shaky from withdrawal. I gave her brother the Ativan, and he is going to stop by a couple of times a day. Other friends and her sponsor are checking on her daily as well.
She seems far more lucid today, just trembling a lot. She seems to be getting ready to see the doctor and make a decision on whether or not she is gong to go though chemo again. I made sure she had food, water and brought her some Ensure. Just keeping my fingers crossed that she doesn't relapse again.
It is truly painful to watch, and I've cried a river in the past few weeks, but will always be there for her no matter what.
Thank you for your sound advice. I wish you well, my friend. Peace.
She seems far more lucid today, just trembling a lot. She seems to be getting ready to see the doctor and make a decision on whether or not she is gong to go though chemo again. I made sure she had food, water and brought her some Ensure. Just keeping my fingers crossed that she doesn't relapse again.
It is truly painful to watch, and I've cried a river in the past few weeks, but will always be there for her no matter what.
Thank you for your sound advice. I wish you well, my friend. Peace.
hopeandbe
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Northern CA
Posts: 18
An update...and thanks to all!
I wanted to update you now, three months later. My friend is back in AA, off the Ativan under a doctor's withdrawal program, and is now undergoing chemo for the lung tumors. Her attitude is much better, and I am keeping my fingers crossed. Thank you to all who responded and helped me get through this situation. I really appreciate all of you here.
Stay strong, and stay healthy.
Stay strong, and stay healthy.
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