Blogs


Notices

why is this getting to me today?

Old 05-11-2012, 06:48 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
wanttobehealthy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
why is this getting to me today?

Anyone else go through ups and downs of finding it easy and then hard again to not react to your A's nonsense?

I set a boundary with AH. Told him he is welcome to do whatever he likes, but that when X occurs, I will do Y and that he ought not expect that he will get his way as he did in the past.

Instantly I get accused of "coercing", "controlling" and "dictating" and get told that it is indicative of an ABUSER (ha ha ha ha ha) to tell him that "unless he does X, I will do Y".

Amazing how they twist reasonable statements into distortions that make them a victim.

For some reason today it's gotten to me more than it has in a long time...

Thanks for listening.
wanttobehealthy is offline  
The Following 5 Users Say Thank You to wanttobehealthy For This Useful Post:
Florence (05-11-2012), Impurrfect (05-11-2012), SoaringSpirits (05-11-2012), Spes (05-11-2012), theuncertainty (05-11-2012)
Old 05-11-2012, 07:28 AM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
lizatola's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 2,349
I understand. They really like to push our buttons. It's like when I told my AH that I needed to 'think about driving him somewhere' and he recanted it to me saying that I said NO. I had to ask him, "No, I didn't say no. What did I actually say?" To which he said, "you said you'd think about it." So, I know he heard me, he just heard NO in his own way. I literally think they have a hearing problem. Like some little goblin in their brain takes in the words and twists them around and the message gets distorted and they respond to that twisted message. Seriously, though, you are dealing with someone who has stinkin' thinkin' and be proud of yourself for setting a boundary. Remind yourself that this is for you, not for him. He can think what he likes, you don't have to react.
lizatola is offline  
The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to lizatola For This Useful Post:
Impurrfect (05-11-2012), OhBoy (05-11-2012), stella27 (05-11-2012), wanttobehealthy (05-11-2012)
Old 05-11-2012, 07:57 AM
  # 3 (permalink)  
RIP Sweet Suki
 
suki44883's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 32,144
Here, I think you can use this, too.

suki44883 is offline  
The Following 6 Users Say Thank You to suki44883 For This Useful Post:
Florence (05-11-2012), Impurrfect (05-11-2012), laurie6781 (05-11-2012), stella27 (05-11-2012), theuncertainty (05-11-2012), wanttobehealthy (05-11-2012)
Old 05-11-2012, 08:47 AM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
wanttobehealthy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
Suki I laughed my head off seeing that on the other thread and I want to print it out and hang it on my fridge! LOVE it!!!!!
wanttobehealthy is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to wanttobehealthy For This Useful Post:
Impurrfect (05-11-2012), stella27 (05-11-2012)
Old 05-11-2012, 08:54 AM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: California
Posts: 693
It's because it's so insane and feels so unjust. Here we are fretting about keeping a roof over our heads, taking care of our children, and they are putting all their energy into making us look like monsters. Which of course we are not. We're just sane people trying to make sense of insanity.
SoaringSpirits is offline  
The Following 9 Users Say Thank You to SoaringSpirits For This Useful Post:
Anappleaday (05-11-2012), chronsweet (05-11-2012), Florence (05-11-2012), Impurrfect (05-11-2012), jackien41 (05-11-2012), laurie6781 (05-11-2012), MTSlideAddict (05-11-2012), stella27 (05-11-2012), wanttobehealthy (05-11-2012)
Old 05-11-2012, 09:20 AM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
 
Florence's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
Instantly I get accused of "coercing", "controlling" and "dictating" and get told that it is indicative of an ABUSER (ha ha ha ha ha) to tell him that "unless he does X, I will do Y".
Anytime I made a suggestion to my X about how he might do/handle things differently, this is what he said. When DS12 was really little, he asked his dad to spend more time with him doing one-on-one things, and X said that he wasn't going to let a kid dictate his life. Doing things for other people is not just inconvenient, he literally doesn't understand why he would. "What's in it for meeeeeee?"

You set a boundary, and he's testing it. One of the ways he's testing it is the way he's made you break before, by accusing you of being controlling, crazy, and hyper-vigilant. You just know what he's doing now, you've named it and you've said you're not going to live like that anymore, and it makes you angry because this tactic is ridiculous, unfair, totally absurd, and completely unnecessary.

Unfortunately, you're just not dealing with a sane person. If only he were with it enough to know the same, yeah? Expect the crazy, respond with sanity.
Florence is offline  
The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to Florence For This Useful Post:
Impurrfect (05-11-2012), laurie6781 (05-11-2012), stella27 (05-11-2012), wanttobehealthy (05-11-2012)
Old 05-11-2012, 09:30 AM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
 
Thumper's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,444
I have experienced that too! So emotionally exhausting and frustrating. It will suck you dry.

I quit talking to him. Problem solved.

Email communication is much easier. I don't react as strongly and I can delete/ignore the garbage. Having a record in writing was also a way I could self-validate.
Thumper is offline  
The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to Thumper For This Useful Post:
hadenoughnow (05-11-2012), Impurrfect (05-11-2012), laurie6781 (05-11-2012), wanttobehealthy (05-11-2012)
Old 05-11-2012, 09:39 AM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 451
WTBH -

My ABF says that stuff to me ALL THE TIME and so does his alcoholic mother. I have learned it is a manipulation ploy to get me to waiver and accept the drinking as part of our lives. It is soooo frustrating. They actually started to make me feel like I was crazy, a loner, and miserable. I mean, I am all those things NOW living with an alcoholic to some degree because it is depressing. But, ABF and living with him and my accepting it is what is making me nuts. LOL. I know I am a pretty mellow, reasonable, fun human being. I am starting to get ME back the more I work towards a future without ABF. I also get anxiety thinking about going through what you are now. No fun.

Just keep on keeping on. Soon (hopefully) he will tire of trying to push your buttons.
chronsweet is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to chronsweet For This Useful Post:
wanttobehealthy (05-11-2012)
Old 05-11-2012, 09:45 AM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
wanttobehealthy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
AH is an evil sicko and has now realized that putting things in writing holds him accountable so he "claims" that emailing isn't possible since his sole email is through work.

He is the one trying to dictate how we will communicate and it's b.s.

What prompted this accusation from him about how controlling I am is that I said he was free to choose not to email all he likes but that I am under no obligation to take his calls whenever he wants. I also reminded him that the agreement between us was that in writing was less emotional and best for all involved and that I intended to stick to that (bc that agreement IS in writing). He is having the equivalent of an adult temper tantrum.

I made it clear that I will communicate necessary info about the girls in writing alone because that way there is a paper trail showing I did my part and it is up to him if he wants to choose not to read it.

That's what this is all about.

Real sane.
wanttobehealthy is offline  
The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to wanttobehealthy For This Useful Post:
Florence (05-11-2012), laurie6781 (05-11-2012), theuncertainty (05-11-2012), Thumper (05-11-2012)
Old 05-11-2012, 09:52 AM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 451
Yeah, the alcohol really just starts to mess up their brains, doesn't it? Sane and rational are NOT synonymous with active alcoholism.

My ABF actually is hallucinating things. He thinks the government is planting electrical grids in the sky as part of a diabolical plan to control the weather so that they can control humanity and create chaos and devastation on earth.

He told me one day that he was talking to God between some trees. LOL.

He imagines I am having an imaginary affair with someone we work with (we work together, blah - I have 2 job interviews lined up this next week) Actually thinks if I am home 10 minutes late due to bad traffic (We live in So. Cal, traffic is sometimes congested at 5:30, good grief) that he and I were out in the bushes or conference room or something stupid. He can't accept we aren't intimate because he is ALWAYS drunk. LOL.

So, these guys(girls) who let alcohol ravage their minds are really just sick and delusional. Kind of off topic there, but I understand the manipulations and sickness in dealing with an A. I think we all do. :P
chronsweet is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to chronsweet For This Useful Post:
wanttobehealthy (05-11-2012)
Old 05-11-2012, 10:13 AM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Member
 
lizatola's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 2,349
Originally Posted by chronsweet View Post
Yeah, the alcohol really just starts to mess up their brains, doesn't it? Sane and rational are NOT synonymous with active alcoholism.

My ABF actually is hallucinating things. He thinks the government is planting electrical grids in the sky as part of a diabolical plan to control the weather so that they can control humanity and create chaos and devastation on earth.

He told me one day that he was talking to God between some trees. LOL.

He imagines I am having an imaginary affair with someone we work with (we work together, blah - I have 2 job interviews lined up this next week) Actually thinks if I am home 10 minutes late due to bad traffic (We live in So. Cal, traffic is sometimes congested at 5:30, good grief) that he and I were out in the bushes or conference room or something stupid. He can't accept we aren't intimate because he is ALWAYS drunk. LOL.

So, these guys(girls) who let alcohol ravage their minds are really just sick and delusional. Kind of off topic there, but I understand the manipulations and sickness in dealing with an A. I think we all do. :P
MY AH was like this more when he was sober than when he was drinking. He was paranoid and has continually tried to convince me to bury our money in the backyard because the banks will steal it all from us. I remember him screaming about some weird neighbors we had once and he came busting into our bedroom saying, "Well, when they come over here to murder us and rape you, what will you think of them then?" UGH, he always thought that people were out to get him.
lizatola is offline  
Old 05-11-2012, 10:58 AM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Member
 
theuncertainty's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
Blog Entries: 8
Originally Posted by wanttobehealthy View Post
has now realized that putting things in writing holds him accountable so he "claims" that emailing isn't possible since his sole email is through work.
Oh, wow; that sounds so familiar. Except with AXH, his reason is he can only get it on his phone and the phone doesn't always work. (I'm thinking: failure to pay bills, GF kicking his b-tt out and taking back the phone she bought him, him "dropping" the phone as he often did when he was angry or drunk or both...) I'm incredibly thankful that the judge in our divorce and custody case retained a modified no contact order where contact is only by e-mail and only about DS. I know I could hang up on him when ever I want to, but having the legal backing to do so....

It doesn't mean he doesn't try. "DS, hand the phone to Mom." I get the phone, CLICK. What lovely feeling.

One glory of the modern age is: there are free e-mail providers AND there is free wifi at public libraries and many other places (fast-food places included) and if AXH's phone is really broken or otherwise out of service, there's free computer use at public libraries.

No excuses. If it's important to him, he needs to find a way to make communicating by e-mail work. (Thanks for the reminder earlier, Anvil.) Funny enough, even though his 'work schedule' has kept him from seeing DS for about a month now, he has yet to ask of he could see DS when he's home, or has yet to ask the court to modify the visitation schedule.

Some days are harder than others. It's amazing just how much the HALT issue comes into play (with me). Remember to take care of yourself, too. (Talking to both of us, here. )

theuncertainty is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to theuncertainty For This Useful Post:
Florence (05-11-2012), laurie6781 (05-11-2012)
Old 05-11-2012, 11:28 AM
  # 13 (permalink)  
Member
 
Thumper's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,444
Originally Posted by wanttobehealthy View Post
AH is an evil sicko and has now realized that putting things in writing holds him accountable so he "claims" that emailing isn't possible since his sole email is through work.
What a doofus.

Originally Posted by theuncertainty View Post
One glory of the modern age is: there are free e-mail providers AND there is free wifi at public libraries and many other places (fast-food places included) and if AXH's phone is really broken or otherwise out of service, there's free computer use at public libraries.
Exactly. The entire world knows how to get a *****/hotmail/***** acct. - and if that is to complicated there is always snail mail. Puhlease.

Hang in there! You don't have to give in to his bully tactics.
Thumper is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to Thumper For This Useful Post:
Florence (05-11-2012), hadenoughnow (05-12-2012), laurie6781 (05-11-2012)
Old 05-11-2012, 12:55 PM
  # 14 (permalink)  
Member
 
Florence's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
I made it clear that I will communicate necessary info about the girls in writing alone because that way there is a paper trail showing I did my part and it is up to him if he wants to choose not to read it.
Ha! I went through this with my ex. He caved in after throwing a few tantrums. He tried everything he could do to get around it, including trying to relay important messages through our son. Finally I just told him that if he didn't get it to me in writing, I wasn't going to pay attention to it.

He even upped the ante, where my request for "in writing" meant getting certified letters. Even a certified letter from his lawyer once! He's such an idiot. Trust me, eventually it gets so absurd that you'll chuckle at it.
Florence is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to Florence For This Useful Post:
wanttobehealthy (05-14-2012)
Old 05-12-2012, 09:08 AM
  # 15 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 633
Considering the history between the two of you it's very important that you stick to communicating in writing IMO.

Sticking to my guns and insisting on everything in writing and denying my exah access to me was what finally got him to leave me alone. Quacking in writing was too much work for him and of course I could have used it in court.
hadenoughnow is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to hadenoughnow For This Useful Post:
Zoenob (05-12-2012)
Old 05-12-2012, 12:41 PM
  # 16 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,383
After the chaos and craziness of actually separating, the affair, etc I struggled with what you write about.

The drama was not there to distract me and it was when the feelings really starting coming up (and for me with only a moderate ability to deal with them). It was really, really hard time for me.

No advice on how to make it better and I was without the other complications going on in your life but for me the feelings came when the adrenaline surge was starting to cut back a little....neither was easy.

Just be gentle with yourself and if possible expect as little from yourself as you can (I watched a lot of stupid TV during this time....and I don't own any TV channels).
LifeRecovery is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 11:44 AM.