chronsweet

And I am going to ask it again. Need some advice from some people who have actually gone thru getting custody from an alcoholic.

I am again in planning phase for leaving my ABF. We have a 2 year old son together. I have constantly been told by his mom and himself that I am a horrible person (when I am not in conformance with acceptance of the occasional daily drink - what a condundrum huh) and not fit to raise my son. Why because ONCE I got so angry while driving with my ABF in the car and being verbally harrassed by him that I reached over and hit him and hit him in the nose. Mind you he has hit me and pushed me many times before this. And yes, I KNOW that hitting is wrong. I have a high tolerance for mental abuse but I just couldn't take his harrassing statements anymore and I snapped. Well, his mom took a picture of his eye which had a tinge of color to it, barely noticeable. This incident happened almost a year ago.

My FEAR is that these people will say I am unreasonable and unfit to take care of my son and try to get custody of him. Never mind, as I mentioned, he has slapped me in the face, hit me in the head, grabbed my wrists, kicked me in bed when I try to roll him over while he is drunk snoring, etc etc. I understand this is not a great situation and violence is unacceptable. This incidence where I was actually the physical aggressor DID NOT happen in the presence of my son. We were at work, alone in the car.

Does anyone have any experience with these types of things and custody. I want to leave this guy SO BAD, but I am just SOOOO afraid of losing even half custody to my kid because I believe he could be in danger due to driving with a drunk, being alone after his dad passes out from one too many, etc etc.

Any advice because these are the fears that keeping recycling in my head and keeping me stuck!

brownhorse

First, even if he gets half custody, it is not the end of the world. I know it is hard, but your son is better in a half custody situation than he is living with what sounds like a very unstable environment (which is not your fault). Has he ever had a DUI or any type of arrest alcohol related?

What state you are in will determine alot. Who is the financial provider? Who maintains their own home? I do not think the hit will hold up. It is one incident and was a long time ago. Emotional abuse can be proved. Get a journal. Write and date everything!!! Document everything. When he is late, when he lies, what he says, when he drove, passed out and what he threatens. EVERYTHING. Courts do not want to decide custody. Get a good attorney and when ABF sees what you have he will not fight.

Anappleaday

Yes - document everything and find out the custody rules in your state. The sooner you research the rules and document the better off you will be.

Most courts see it as what is best for the child and first option will be shared custody/visitation time unless one parent can be proven to be unfit, unstable and/or the child will be at risk when the parent has him.

They can say all they want and threaten all they want but they have to be able to prove to a judge whatever they say.

chronsweet

Yes, he does have an arrest record. He has a felony possession of opiates, drunk in public, dui, got pulled over the last time 2 years ago and found in possession of paraphanelia for smoking heroin, has had to go to drug counseling programs, so yeah, he definitely has a record. He has overdosed on heroin and had to be taken to the hospital. That was a long time before I knew him and didn't even know about it until years after we were dating.

I don't have anything on mine. Seriously I felt like an abuser just typing that. I don't get physically violent, but when you are pushed to a limit and have been hit yourself MANY MANY times, I snapped. I feel so guilty and ashamed of it. There isn't constant abuse at all. My son didn't see that episode at all. I just don't get how he can overlook all his physical abuses and the fact he drinks all the time and say i am somehow unfit because I lost it once. I know it is quacking and a manipulation ploy.

Basically my mom says that time I hit him I should just deny it. I mean just because his mom has a picture where you can barely see ANYTHING, doesn't mean I did it. Right? I don't know why I am soooo hung up on that. Gosh, I just truly wish I had never done that because then he'd have nothing on me.

BTW, in California, in my state, since we aren't married, I automatically have custody until he goes through and proves paternity even though he is on the birth certificate. I went to the court and talked to them about it and they said he would have to prove this to get visitation and on the other hand, I'd need the paternity test to get any child support. I could forego the child support if he and his mother would just leave me the heck alone! I don't even NOT want him to have a relationship with his son, I just don't want him to have him overnight or anything due to the fact he drinks daily.

Spes

I can't give you advice because I am not an attorney and I don't know the laws in your State; however, I can share my experiences.

There are 2 issues here with your son's father...child support and custody/visitation.

Unless he gets full custody or your State allows 50/50 shared custody, he will have to pay child support based on the guidelines set up by your State's child support agency.

With respect to you smacking him on the nose...unless a DV complaint was filed with the police department or court, it's not likely to hold water. Courts generally do not accept hearsay in civil cases. Most jurisdictions will order both parents to engage in a parenting plan that satisfies the court. If the parents are to contentious, the court can appoint a "Guardian Ad Litem" to represent the interests of the child, although at 2 years of age, that is not likely.

In my experience, addicts generally do not fight for custody because their alcohol/drugs are more important than caring for their child.

There are many more factors such as involving Social Services to investigate any issue that would place the child in unsafe circumstances.

My best advice is to seek out an attorney to represent you in both issues which can be dealt with in the same case number. I can, and others can, share their experiences but only an attorney can represent yours and your child's interest from your child's father.

You may not be married to him so there may not be a marital agreement with respect to financial arrangements but, since you share a child, the court will treat child support and custody/visitation in exactly the same manner as if it were a divorce.

I can't reiterate enough, please seek the advice of an attorney if you can afford one or Legal Aid if you cannot. I say this because used to work for a State agency in court ops and family law.

I wish you well.

suki44883

The best thing for you to do is to seek legal counsel and find out exactly where you stand. Tell the attorney everything and see what he thinks. There is no way we can tell you what will happen. You need legal counsel.

Spes

I just saw this after I poseted. Generally speaking, if he is on the birth certificate, he is considered the bio father. He could get a paternity test to prove otherwise but it still would require a court order to change the birth certificate. I didn't work in California although we enforced their court orders. The law changes so much, who knows how it works today. This is why an attorney is necessary.

I realize you said you would forgo child support if he would leave you alone but it is important to remember that child support and visitation are 2 different things. If a court allows visitation, he would get that even if he was not paying court ordered child support. The 2 are simply not dependent on the other.

Please know I am not defending his action nor discounting yours. I'm just trying to tell you how the courts think with respect to family issues.

Finally, one more thing. Your child is 2 years old. None of us know the future. He owes his child financial support because it's the law and it's the right thing to do. If you lose a job in the future or you simply want to give your child more, then the father has an obligation to contribute and the State will use every means to collect that obligation. Child Support payments do NOT grant any other rights with regards to visitation and/or custody.

I truly hope I am helping you.

chronsweet

I can't really afford a lawyer. I did go to the courts and was going to file custody and they said I didn't need to. They said since I was an unwed mother I automatically have custody and if the ABF or his mother asked to see the child to tell them NO. The lady asked me if I knew that No was an entire sentence and told me to use it. She said that in California, fathers, especially alcoholic one, are usually NEVER awarded full custody and that he would have to go through the process of confirming paternity before he could even begin a custody case against me.

I guess I just get scared because of that one incident with me. I have started documenting the alcohol daily intake, and am planning to start recording the verbal abuse. I do have pictures of when he his me, but as far as I know, they aren't admissable without a police report.

I appreciate all the words of advice and support. I pray I make it OUT of the relationship soon.

I wish he would get some help. But like my grandma used to say, "wish in one hand, and Sh*t in the other, see what one fills up faster."

Spes

OK, I understand. I'm not to keen on court personal giving you legal advice. I would still go to legal aid and try to talk to an attorney for free.

Your child is 2 years old. Remember that the bio father has the right to petition the court in the future for things you don't want today. Even grandparents can petition the court for visitation in many States.

All I want is that you have good legal advice for your peace of mind for the next 16 years.

Take care and I wish you well.

chronsweet

Spes, I will try to find some free legal aid. I just wanted to point out that I did go to the family courts legal aid section where they help you fill out the paperwork and what not. I will ask my mom to help me research some legal aid/free lawyer advice for low income people. It sucks because I usually do not qualify for low income, yet I sure feel like it! LOL.

I know I will have to deal with them for the next 16 years, and honestly, I can be civil. I divorced from my ex of 13 years, walked away from most everything, and we are still friends to this day. Dealing with an alcoholic and an alcoholic grandmother is something all and of itself. I certainly wish I could just trust ABF, because raising a kid is hard and I would prefer to have some help and nights off. But if he wasn't drunk all the time, I wouldn't even be considering leaving, so it is a definite catch-22 situation.

Sigh. I guess I have to get over my fears and just move forward and plan and prepare.

Spes

One last thing to remember since you said you had low income. Your child deserves to be supported by both parents. Even if he doesn't have a job, the State will impute minimum wage unless he is on disability. Make him help you support your child. As I said before, paying child support does NOT grant visitation rights.

If you ever require welfare assistance for your or your child, the State welfare office will make you file for child support as a condition for welfare payments.

I truly empathize with your situation and hope I was able to help you.

chronsweet

Ooo no, I am not THAT low income, I mean I make 40k a year, it just costs ALOT to live in southern california, so I really don't have extra income is all.

ABF does have a job and unfortunately I got it for him, so he works with me. I actually have a job interview tomorrow and one next week because although I like where I work, I figure it is going to be important to put some distance between us. Working with someone and then separately could get ugly. I just wouldn't want to go there. Plus, I am getting my accounting degree next year so am trying to get a higher paying position and position myself to be able to move up even more once the degree is secure.

Spes

ok, I understand.

I hope everything works out for you. All I care about is yours and your son's safety and well being.

Take care.