EmmyG

I left AH and I'm actually feeling really positive, like I know the future can be happy for me and the kids. But, I am still worrying about his well being. I'm afraid he's going to drive drunk or drink too much and then I'll have to tell our boys. I think that's what's kept me from leaving for so long. I can't try to save him anymore. It's just that I'm his only family in the US, everyone else is in the UK. How do I stop worrying that he's going to die and feeling guilty like I'm abandoning a sick person.

LaTeeDa

You start by admitting to yourself that you are not powerful enough to save him. If he does any of those things, you being there would not prevent it. You are not his parent, guardian, or savior. He is a grown-up adult and he alone is responsible for his choices.

L

Pelican

Try to re-arrange the thinking.

Instead of thinking you are abandoning a sick person, try thinking:

You are protecting your innocent children from a toxic situation. They were helpless to change anything is that situation, And
You are giving your adult husband the dignity of dealing with his life on his own terms. He is an adult. He can find resources for help when he is ready. He is also an adult that can face the consequences for his choices.

and this link contains tips that helped me understand how I was staying in toxic relationships due to guilt, worry, etc.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...tionships.html

specifically this part:

5. Helplessness and Neediness of Relationship Partners

Maybe you get hooked by the neediness and helplessness of your relationship partners. You find yourself hooked when your partners get into self-pity, "poor me" and "how tough life has been." You find yourself weak when your relationship partners demonstrates an inability to solve personal problems. You find yourself wanting to teach and instruct, when your relationship partners demonstrate or admit ignorance of how to solve problems. You find yourself hooked by verbal and non-verbal cues which cry out to you to "help" your relationship partners even though your partners have the competence to solve the problem on their own. You find yourself feeling warmth, caring and nurturing feelings which help you tear down any shred of boundaries you once had. These sad, weak, distraught, lost, confused and befuddled waifs are so needy that you lose all concept of space and time as you begin to give and give and give. It feels so good. The rational message needed to establish healthy boundaries from this hook is: "No one is helpless without first learning the advantages of being helpless. Helplessness is a learned behavior which is used to manipulate me to give of my resources, energy, time, effort and money to fix. I am a good person if I do not try to fix and take care of my relationship partners when my partners are acting helpless. I cannot establish healthy intimate relationships with my relationship partners if I am trying to fix or take care of them all of the time. I need to put more energy into fixing and taking care of myself if I find myself being hooked by my relationship partners' helplessness."
__________________

dbh

I agree with LaTeeDa.

For me, I had to accept my powerlessness and put the fate of my loved one in the hands of a power greater than myself.

I prayed a lot.

The Scerenity Prayer helped me.

db

changeschoices

Actually, I ended it with my XA because I couldn't imagine telling my children, friends, and family that he was in prison for his third DUI. It hasn't happened yet, but it seems inevitable. The thought of having to live with that in my life was what propelled me to tell him it was over. I have no pity for him if it happens. I came to have pity only for my children, and how people would view our family if the A was in prison.

I guess I reached the point where I was rightfully more worried about myself and my children than about him. He's an adult, and an alcoholic. It boiled to down to, my children matter much more than him. They have no choices; they are children.

I miss my XA, it makes me sad and at times I am lonely. I would like a partner. But I have a committment to my children, and that's what I've prioritized over all else. Knowing that I'm doing the right thing for them gives me peace.

dollydo

Worrying and guilt are a self imposed emotion that serve no purpose. Your codependent mindset will not change a thing.

As for him drinking and driving drunk...I would be more worried about him killing and or injuring someone else for life...if he does so...you could lose everything...including your childrens future.

He is sick because he continues to make bad, selfish decisions.

EmmyG

Thank you all. Wow, Pelican, I read that paragraph and it describes me pretty accurately. I think what I've realized this week is that the only way I ever could help him is to leave him. He will sink or swim wherever I am. I am just contributing to the sickness my staying in it. I have an aunt who just left her abusive husband after 35 years. She has three grown daughters and guess who they resent the most? My aunt. I always said I wouldn't do that to my kids. If I stay, they will become like daddy or worse. And they won't respect me. I hope he gets it together and doesn't lose his job. But again, me staying there just means more of the same. It's hard not to worry, but I'm doing little things to comfort myself. I was tempted to have a drink myself, and decided against it, because my kids need at least one parent in their right mind! AH is headed for disaster, he is very wreck less right now. I hope he's okay, but I have to let go.

changeschoices

Yep, you are right about it all. If you love him, let him learn from his behavior. Or not. Your allegiance is to your children. Having a partner is nice, but optional. For children, having at least one stable parent is not optional. Having a stable home base is a right for them, not a privilege.

dollydo

"Yep, you are right about it all. If you love him, let him learn from his behavior. Or not. Your allegiance is to your children. Having a partner is nice, but optional. For children, having at least one stable parent is not optional. Having a stable home base is a right for them, not a privilege. "


I couldn't agree more..spot on.

SoloMio

As far as tactically how to get him out of your mind, people do different things.

Some use the "God box"--where you either literally or just in your mind put his name in a box and put him in God's hands.

I use the "tunnel vision" technique: where I simply look at the moment as if I have blinders on. I imagine that everything in my past is in my left peripheral vision and everything in my future is in my right peripheral vision, and I use imagery to block out everything except for what's right in front of me--which is the present moment. Everything else, I forget about.

But above all, you simply have to let go of the feeling that you are responsible for his health and happiness. As you said so rightly: He WILL sink or swim no matter where you are. Just use that as a mantra and swim away.