He's started drinking at work!
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Join Date: Mar 2012
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He's started drinking at work!
I found out today my husband is drinking during his breaks at work. He comes home and it's obvious he's been drinking yet he always lies to me until I eventually get at the truth. Then he just cries and falls asleep. I can't believe he hasn't got fired from his job! I keep telling him he will if he keeps drinking and he says he's disgusted with himself and will stop doing it, but then does it again.
I tipped out a bottle of rum today that was in his work bag.
If I give him money for food he spends it on drink, and if I don't, he borrows money or sells our stuff for drink money...!!!
Any advice on how to talk to him about not drinking at work?
He was doing better for a while, even going to AA but now there is always some excuse why he can't go. xx
I tipped out a bottle of rum today that was in his work bag.
If I give him money for food he spends it on drink, and if I don't, he borrows money or sells our stuff for drink money...!!!
Any advice on how to talk to him about not drinking at work?
He was doing better for a while, even going to AA but now there is always some excuse why he can't go. xx
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Join Date: Mar 2012
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Thank you both, no I really can't survive without his income. I'm on maternity leave and earning next to nothing from that. All my energy is going into breastfeeding our baby and trying not to let myself get stressed out so that I can keep feeding her and taking care of her. I used to have a well paying job but I can't go back to work because I've only just had a baby and paying for childcare would cost nearly as much as I'd earn... I'd probably have to move in with my parents and I'd feel such a failure. My parents are in the middle of downsizing to a 1 bed house as well so it would be really hard. I just don't know what to do
Can you stash valuables and important papers (birth certificates, copies of income tax filings, social security cards, etc) at your parents house?
If he is selling things to support his habit, he won't care whose things he sells as long as he gets booze money.
You are a good mom to understand that you need to watch your stress levels while caring for an infant. Also, good on you for breastfeeding. Very efficient and economical too.
If he is selling things to support his habit, he won't care whose things he sells as long as he gets booze money.
You are a good mom to understand that you need to watch your stress levels while caring for an infant. Also, good on you for breastfeeding. Very efficient and economical too.
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Thanks. You're right, I don't want my baby growing up in a house where one parent lies and drinks. She is totally in love with him though, so when i say you can't hold her because you've been drinking (my rule) I feel like I'm punishing her too because she loves her dad. I thought having a baby would be enough for him to see what there is to live for, she certainly makes my life worth living, but he seems too far into the addiction. He has such a nice life but throws it all away for this stuff! X
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Thanks Pelican. Yes i will put our papers at my mums good idea. We don't have much valuable stuff, it's just cds and things he sells for next to nothing to a second hand shop. It just annoys me. Thanks, I'm really determined to give my baby the best life I can so I just devote myself to looking after her. I think AH gets jealous sometimes as I used to play along with analyzing his moods and almost helping him justify himself but now I say I'm just too tired or busy with our baby. It helps me detach from him a bit. X
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Well, you're going to have to figure out how...
...it's only a matter of time before he loses his job and there's nothing you can do about that. Put together your plan for when he's fired now so you'll be ready when it happens-- and it will happen. Or, be in denial about it and when it happens you'll be in an even worse place.
Also, begin going to Alanon. You are going to need it.
I'm so sorry.
Cyranoak
Also, begin going to Alanon. You are going to need it.
I'm so sorry.
Cyranoak
Thank you both, no I really can't survive without his income. I'm on maternity leave and earning next to nothing from that. All my energy is going into breastfeeding our baby and trying not to let myself get stressed out so that I can keep feeding her and taking care of her. I used to have a well paying job but I can't go back to work because I've only just had a baby and paying for childcare would cost nearly as much as I'd earn... I'd probably have to move in with my parents and I'd feel such a failure. My parents are in the middle of downsizing to a 1 bed house as well so it would be really hard. I just don't know what to do
Unfortunately, having a child with an addict makes nothing better, it actually makes everything worse.
This is a progressive disease that will continue to get worse, unless he works on a strong recovery program and stays sober for life. The % of addicts who stay clean and sober for life is less than 10%, so the odds are not in his favor.
Your child must be your priorty, you are her future. She will carry her childhood into adulthood, set the right example for her.
This is a progressive disease that will continue to get worse, unless he works on a strong recovery program and stays sober for life. The % of addicts who stay clean and sober for life is less than 10%, so the odds are not in his favor.
Your child must be your priorty, you are her future. She will carry her childhood into adulthood, set the right example for her.
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My key thought was if he works in isolation or not. If not, his loss of employment may come sooner rather then later in most circumstances.
Industry wise, I've known of food service and gas attendants who drank on the job for years. That doesn't appear to be the case here.
Industry wise, I've known of food service and gas attendants who drank on the job for years. That doesn't appear to be the case here.
HI, you need support, is it possible for you to at least talk to your parents about this, just in case. That way they will be in on your plan as well. It may be a comfort for you if the shat hits the fan.
Keep us posted, Katie xo
Keep us posted, Katie xo
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Join Date: Jul 2011
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Can you get a tiny place of your own and get on assistance until your baby is older? Honestly, it would probably be more stable than relying on an alcoholic who drinks on the job. And while parenting a baby alone is challenging, it's certainly more peaceful doing it without an alcoholic in your life. It's not forever--when the baby turns three and loves being with other little ones and is social, everything gets easier.
My dad used to take beer, stashed in a cooler with ice, to work. He'd slip out every so often to drink one or two. He hid it so well, and hid his alcoholism so well, that no one ever found out. He was "the boss," too - so even if someone did want to report him, they were probably too scared too.
Make sure you take care of yourself and your little one. Do you have a friend's house you can stay at if you need to get away?
Make sure you take care of yourself and your little one. Do you have a friend's house you can stay at if you need to get away?
My exAH was a university professor who drank for decades at his job, so it is amazing how long they last in the job.
I agree with everyone that sobriety is likely not around the corner for him and that you then have to make a strategy for supporting you and your child.
Since he is currently fully employed and fully capable of providing spousal and child support, I think seeing an attorney now rather than later--later, meaning when your AH is without a job, if such happens--would be a good start. It is probably a little overwhelming for you to think of this right now and--as many of us know--you just want him to stop drinking and life to remain unchanged.
But since this is a forum filled with people with decades of experience with addiction, we will try to help you with here-and-now decisions made on the statistically highly probable likelihood that his drinking will progress.
If you were my daughter or sister, I would ask you to see an attorney about filing for divorce from an active, employed, alcoholic, with an order for maximum spousal and child support. It is just information, you do not have to act on it.
I know what you mean about nursing the child....I was in an unhappy situation while I was nursing and wanted to wait at least until my baby was weaned. Young mothers have very difficult complications.
We are glad you are here.
I agree with everyone that sobriety is likely not around the corner for him and that you then have to make a strategy for supporting you and your child.
Since he is currently fully employed and fully capable of providing spousal and child support, I think seeing an attorney now rather than later--later, meaning when your AH is without a job, if such happens--would be a good start. It is probably a little overwhelming for you to think of this right now and--as many of us know--you just want him to stop drinking and life to remain unchanged.
But since this is a forum filled with people with decades of experience with addiction, we will try to help you with here-and-now decisions made on the statistically highly probable likelihood that his drinking will progress.
If you were my daughter or sister, I would ask you to see an attorney about filing for divorce from an active, employed, alcoholic, with an order for maximum spousal and child support. It is just information, you do not have to act on it.
I know what you mean about nursing the child....I was in an unhappy situation while I was nursing and wanted to wait at least until my baby was weaned. Young mothers have very difficult complications.
We are glad you are here.
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 33
Wow, thank you for all the replies. My parents know a bit but they don't know how bad he is. I think i'll start by filling them in and also looking at what help I could get if I had to get my own place if or rather when he gets fired. I couldn't afford to stay here but maybe I could rent somewhere small. It's such a shame because he's a really good dad. He's not aggressive even when drunk, he just gets ashamed and goes to sleep most of the time. I could easily care for my baby alone, as I pretty much do now, I only rely on him for money, I never let him look after her, most of the time I have her strapped to me in a carrier which I love. I refuse to engage in discussions or arguments with him so he just goes and falls asleep. I don't like the idea of living off the state, I've always worked hard to pay for things myself but it might be a temporary thing I could do while my baby is small. I have friends I could stay with, I'd like a break but i'm worried if I go away for a while he will drink more and wreck the house or not go to work at all. I have control of his money so what would I leave him with? X
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MrsA - you should be proud of your thought process and insight at this juncture in your relationship with your A - fantastic idea to tell your mum and dad everything and go from there.
Your husband has an addiction that is affecting HIS life and the life of his wife and new baby- there is absolutely nothing you can do to help him see the light.
Help yourself and your baby by taking what you need and don't feel guilty. Easier said than done I know ---one step at a time ---- you don't have to think of divorce --- it will come at its own accord if and when you are ready.
I pray your husband finds TRUE recovery soon so you MAY not have to face this sad prospect.
Hugs!!
Your husband has an addiction that is affecting HIS life and the life of his wife and new baby- there is absolutely nothing you can do to help him see the light.
Help yourself and your baby by taking what you need and don't feel guilty. Easier said than done I know ---one step at a time ---- you don't have to think of divorce --- it will come at its own accord if and when you are ready.
I pray your husband finds TRUE recovery soon so you MAY not have to face this sad prospect.
Hugs!!
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 33
I'm going to try just letting him drink and getting on with my own life, not relying on him for anything. HOWEVER how can I go and visit friends and leave him in the house if I know he'll get wasted and not go into work?
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