Am I doing the right thing?
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Am I doing the right thing?
I could really use some insight today...
My AXBF and I have been separated for a year, but have remained in contact. It has been a major roller coaster:
...when I felt strong, he was binging.
...when he started AA, I sunk into a depression.
...when he relapsed and quit AA, I joined Al Anon.
I've now been in Al Anon about two months, however, we have been unable to sustain two consecutive days of sane conversation before one of us gets our feelings hurt and the barbs come out.
I decided to try "no contact" since it seemed that everything else had failed...and I have seen others have success with this approach.
Truthfully, I was hoping a week or two of silence would give us some time to chill out. If I was going to be brutally honest, I'd say during the entire time, I was always hopeful I'd hear from him and we could try a "fresh start" with our communication.
But maybe my motives are all screwed up!?
Because now its been about a month of radio silence...and with each passing day, the pain intensifies.
I suppose my greatest fear is that we will never speak again. I care about him deeply and truly, I miss the good things we share, however, I want to give him the dignity of choice to separate from me if that's what he wants (boy does THAT hurt to write!).
I could be the one to break the ice, but I'm terrified that I'll be rejected, that he'll be drinking or that it is STILL far too soon to initiate communication. Perhaps not enough healing has occurred?
We have never gone more than a week without speaking so this is more than difficult. One month feels like 10 years (wow, I sound like such a teenager!)
I do not want to hurt him.
I do not want to hurt me. But I am hurting.
I want to do the things that will bring happiness to both of us, whatever outcome that may be.
I hope I'm doing the right thing...but I'm not sure.
Can you offer any advice?
I understand I'm supposed to detach with love...but this doesn't feel like love. It feels like my fear of rejection and loss...and more of a silence stand off...
My AXBF and I have been separated for a year, but have remained in contact. It has been a major roller coaster:
...when I felt strong, he was binging.
...when he started AA, I sunk into a depression.
...when he relapsed and quit AA, I joined Al Anon.
I've now been in Al Anon about two months, however, we have been unable to sustain two consecutive days of sane conversation before one of us gets our feelings hurt and the barbs come out.
I decided to try "no contact" since it seemed that everything else had failed...and I have seen others have success with this approach.
Truthfully, I was hoping a week or two of silence would give us some time to chill out. If I was going to be brutally honest, I'd say during the entire time, I was always hopeful I'd hear from him and we could try a "fresh start" with our communication.
But maybe my motives are all screwed up!?
Because now its been about a month of radio silence...and with each passing day, the pain intensifies.
I suppose my greatest fear is that we will never speak again. I care about him deeply and truly, I miss the good things we share, however, I want to give him the dignity of choice to separate from me if that's what he wants (boy does THAT hurt to write!).
I could be the one to break the ice, but I'm terrified that I'll be rejected, that he'll be drinking or that it is STILL far too soon to initiate communication. Perhaps not enough healing has occurred?
We have never gone more than a week without speaking so this is more than difficult. One month feels like 10 years (wow, I sound like such a teenager!)
I do not want to hurt him.
I do not want to hurt me. But I am hurting.
I want to do the things that will bring happiness to both of us, whatever outcome that may be.
I hope I'm doing the right thing...but I'm not sure.
Can you offer any advice?
I understand I'm supposed to detach with love...but this doesn't feel like love. It feels like my fear of rejection and loss...and more of a silence stand off...
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
"I suppose my greatest fear is that we will never speak again."
IMO, the minute an active alkie senses that someone is trying to come between them and booze, it's as if they declare war. They have to defend the addiction. At all costs.
I am certain you will hear from him, and when you do, nothing will have changed.
There is a reason this doesn't feel like love, this is not love, it's addiction.
Take your life back, there is no future with an active addict, stay in the present, just live today, tomorrow will take care of itself.
Hang in there.
IMO, the minute an active alkie senses that someone is trying to come between them and booze, it's as if they declare war. They have to defend the addiction. At all costs.
I am certain you will hear from him, and when you do, nothing will have changed.
There is a reason this doesn't feel like love, this is not love, it's addiction.
Take your life back, there is no future with an active addict, stay in the present, just live today, tomorrow will take care of itself.
Hang in there.
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I'm hanging Marie! I'm hanging! It just feels like I'm hanging from a noose!
You are very right.
He came clean right away about the relapse. However, he delved deeply into how he is trying to "live with Hope, Faith and Love" in his emails after that. He mentioned spending time with his sponsor, going to church and meetings.
What he did NOT mention...was sobriety. So I'm not sure if he is drinking...or if he's not.
But yes, the relapse was about two months ago...so maybe my expectations are overwhelming me. Still...I'm in awe of how terrifying the sound of silence can be. I thought I would find peace in it. Instead, I'm finding loss. Maybe not enough time has passed.
You know what can be so frustrating? Is I have sober alcoholics in my life who were ONCE complete lunatics...sobered up and now they are OUTSTANDING human beings. I'm sure we'd all like to know what separates them from those who never heal...
You are very right.
He came clean right away about the relapse. However, he delved deeply into how he is trying to "live with Hope, Faith and Love" in his emails after that. He mentioned spending time with his sponsor, going to church and meetings.
What he did NOT mention...was sobriety. So I'm not sure if he is drinking...or if he's not.
But yes, the relapse was about two months ago...so maybe my expectations are overwhelming me. Still...I'm in awe of how terrifying the sound of silence can be. I thought I would find peace in it. Instead, I'm finding loss. Maybe not enough time has passed.
You know what can be so frustrating? Is I have sober alcoholics in my life who were ONCE complete lunatics...sobered up and now they are OUTSTANDING human beings. I'm sure we'd all like to know what separates them from those who never heal...
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Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 433
RedCandle, he may be punishing you by his silence. Or he may be drinking heavily because he feels you are done putting up with his nonsense. Or he may be working on his recovery and doesn't want to talk to you.
You have no way of knowing. And if you make the first contact, he may perceive that as a weakness and try to suck you back in.
It probably isn't very compassionate of him to blow you off for a month. That probably says something about his frame of mind at this point. And it probably means that he is not working on his recovery.
Yes, he sent emails about hope, faith, love, etc. Maybe he thinks it's what you want to hear. Maybe he's actually serious about recovery. Maybe he wants you to believe that it's all sunshine and roses in his life now without you to make you feel bad. Who knows?
I think the best thing you can do for yourself is accept that, at this point, his silence indicates that he is not capable of being there for you.
I know it sucks to know that other people have recovered and become mature and emotionally available people, and that your X has not. Believe me, I'm struggling with the same hope and longing myself. But as each day goes on, I'm accepting more and more that I'm just going to drive myself crazy wondering what the AX is doing, if he's still drinking, if he is getting help, if he misses me, etc.
If your X is really in recovery and wants to talk to you again someday, I'm sure he will be in touch. More likely, he is just trying to break you down with his silence, to see if you really are going to hold your ground about not accepting his drinking in your life. Or, he's currently just too messed up to do much of anything right now.
You have no way of knowing. And if you make the first contact, he may perceive that as a weakness and try to suck you back in.
It probably isn't very compassionate of him to blow you off for a month. That probably says something about his frame of mind at this point. And it probably means that he is not working on his recovery.
Yes, he sent emails about hope, faith, love, etc. Maybe he thinks it's what you want to hear. Maybe he's actually serious about recovery. Maybe he wants you to believe that it's all sunshine and roses in his life now without you to make you feel bad. Who knows?
I think the best thing you can do for yourself is accept that, at this point, his silence indicates that he is not capable of being there for you.
I know it sucks to know that other people have recovered and become mature and emotionally available people, and that your X has not. Believe me, I'm struggling with the same hope and longing myself. But as each day goes on, I'm accepting more and more that I'm just going to drive myself crazy wondering what the AX is doing, if he's still drinking, if he is getting help, if he misses me, etc.
If your X is really in recovery and wants to talk to you again someday, I'm sure he will be in touch. More likely, he is just trying to break you down with his silence, to see if you really are going to hold your ground about not accepting his drinking in your life. Or, he's currently just too messed up to do much of anything right now.
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Originally Posted by changeschoices 
I think the best thing you can do for yourself is accept that, at this point, his silence indicates that he is not capable of being there for you.
The truth is, every time he writes about "Faith, Hope and Love" I *DO* get all excited that things are changing. When he asked me a few weeks ago to read "The Five Love Languages"...I was excited that maybe he was in recovery.
But he never once mentioned sobriety.
I *do* feel like I'm being punished.
Changes, this made me reflect a bit....I am always the one who keeps "coming back."
Part of the reason I initiated "no contact" was because of the literature in Al Anon talking about the need to do something DIFFERENT if you want DIFFERENT outcomes.
I think I'm largely afraid that if I initiate...the cycle will just repeat...and it will look like I "caved."
Thank you for your words!
Changes, do you have any books or passages you read to help you get through these very frustrating "stand off" times??
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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RC - Are you doing anything to get out of the house (hobbies) to keep your mind busy on something else? When I divorced my Non-A ex, it was still painful but a different kind of pain. But, I really got outdoors a lot, took up hiking, walks by the beach, getting myself in shape, etc. It helped SOOO much with my confidence and just made me feel really good all around.
Just wondering if you are doing anything to take care of you, you know. Something you enjoy doing, instead of pining away over such a painful thing.
Just wondering if you are doing anything to take care of you, you know. Something you enjoy doing, instead of pining away over such a painful thing.
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Posts: 598
Sending you hugs and support! I am sorry to know what your are going through but somehow knowing we are not alone in this crazy cycle makes it a little easier. Today is the first day I have not full blown cried all freaking day! Hang in there - One day at a time!
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Oh yes...
I get up at 5...go to the gym.
Work all day, then go for a walk in the park.
I go to Al Anon 3 times a week and started going to church.
I spend time with friends and am planning a vacation...I took up gardening...
I have plenty to DO...
...unfortunately, I have a very active mind...
I can't go to the gym without associating it with *us* going to the gym
Any downtime at work...and my mind starts wondering if he's blissfully happy with someone else...
Al Anon brings me to my senses...but its only an hour!
We used to walk in the park together...so its hard to do that without thinking about him.
As I'm typing this...I'm starting to feel pathetic. How can one be so wrapped up in the memory of someone else??
I guess the short answer is...yes...I have plenty of activities :-)
Funny thing, when we ARE communicating...I'm usually not so engorged in thought...
...its when the no contact stand offs start...that my mind goes into over drive.
Does this pass in time??
Can I make it pass FASTER!? :-)
I get up at 5...go to the gym.
Work all day, then go for a walk in the park.
I go to Al Anon 3 times a week and started going to church.
I spend time with friends and am planning a vacation...I took up gardening...
I have plenty to DO...
...unfortunately, I have a very active mind...
I can't go to the gym without associating it with *us* going to the gym
Any downtime at work...and my mind starts wondering if he's blissfully happy with someone else...
Al Anon brings me to my senses...but its only an hour!
We used to walk in the park together...so its hard to do that without thinking about him.
As I'm typing this...I'm starting to feel pathetic. How can one be so wrapped up in the memory of someone else??
I guess the short answer is...yes...I have plenty of activities :-)
Funny thing, when we ARE communicating...I'm usually not so engorged in thought...
...its when the no contact stand offs start...that my mind goes into over drive.
Does this pass in time??
Can I make it pass FASTER!? :-)
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Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 433
RedCandle, don't feel bad, I cry at least a little bit every day. 
But it is getting much better now that almost a month has passed since I broke up with my AX.
If an active A asked me to read "The Five Love Languages" (excellent book, by the way), I'd probably keel over in disbelief. I'm too busy picking up the pieces of my life after living with an A has blown it sky high to try to work on a "relationship" with one. I have nothing to give to an A, and the only reading I'm doing these days is on codependency. In other words, I am working on ME. The only love language with an alcoholic is "I love the bottle". Ugh! By asking you to read that book, it seems he's just trying to get you to work harder to gain his approval instead of looking at his own problems. It's awesome that he's Mr. Peace, Love and Faith now, lol! I'm afraid it's probably a load of baloney you're being fed.
Yeah, you're probably being punished. My XA has never been dumped, and he's in his 40s. So I was the first person to dump him, yay! This is after he dumped me several times and I kept going back every time he threw me a little crumb. He made some attempts to want to keep in touch, discuss our relationship, etc. after I dumped him a month ago, but now all is quiet. I'm sure he thinks the silence will kill me and I'll be begging for him to come back eventually.
Other A's seem to be the ones who mess up and come crawling back begging, but not my XA. He's the type to never call again, and to make you feel shocked and stunned that you've been dismissed so easily. It's just a mind game to leave me confused and hurt, while he seems cool and unconcerned. If you keep up your silence in order to get a different outcome, you may find that he's fine going on without you and will never contact you again. I suspect that's what will happen to me. I don't expect to hear from my AX again, except maybe some random late-night drunken phone call, since he is a notorious drunk-dialer.
The thing is, this time I don't care. In fact, I feel thrilled that I have literally not once in the past month felt like picking up the phone and calling him. I couldn't tell you why, after two years of acting pathetic and needy and sad, I simply don't care anymore. I guess I just had enough.
One book that helped me a ton in the first two weeks is "Getting Them Sober". It's not really about staying with an A and helping them get sober, although I'm sure it would be helpful for anyone who's decided to stay with their A. It's much more about getting perspective on the nonsense and hurt that A's dish out, and how to go on with your life without taking it in. You can buy it for about $8 on amazon and read it on their free Kindle app on the computer.
Do not call him!! Stay strong. Having a sense of humor helps me. I put the AX's number in my cell phone under the name "WTH?!" So if he does call, I'm going to laugh seeing that little message come up! Why not put your A's number in your phone as "Mr. Peace, Love, Faith, and Baloney" or something else that keeps you from seeing him as your potential soulmate.
But it is getting much better now that almost a month has passed since I broke up with my AX.If an active A asked me to read "The Five Love Languages" (excellent book, by the way), I'd probably keel over in disbelief. I'm too busy picking up the pieces of my life after living with an A has blown it sky high to try to work on a "relationship" with one. I have nothing to give to an A, and the only reading I'm doing these days is on codependency. In other words, I am working on ME. The only love language with an alcoholic is "I love the bottle". Ugh! By asking you to read that book, it seems he's just trying to get you to work harder to gain his approval instead of looking at his own problems. It's awesome that he's Mr. Peace, Love and Faith now, lol! I'm afraid it's probably a load of baloney you're being fed.
Yeah, you're probably being punished. My XA has never been dumped, and he's in his 40s. So I was the first person to dump him, yay! This is after he dumped me several times and I kept going back every time he threw me a little crumb. He made some attempts to want to keep in touch, discuss our relationship, etc. after I dumped him a month ago, but now all is quiet. I'm sure he thinks the silence will kill me and I'll be begging for him to come back eventually.
Other A's seem to be the ones who mess up and come crawling back begging, but not my XA. He's the type to never call again, and to make you feel shocked and stunned that you've been dismissed so easily. It's just a mind game to leave me confused and hurt, while he seems cool and unconcerned. If you keep up your silence in order to get a different outcome, you may find that he's fine going on without you and will never contact you again. I suspect that's what will happen to me. I don't expect to hear from my AX again, except maybe some random late-night drunken phone call, since he is a notorious drunk-dialer.
The thing is, this time I don't care. In fact, I feel thrilled that I have literally not once in the past month felt like picking up the phone and calling him. I couldn't tell you why, after two years of acting pathetic and needy and sad, I simply don't care anymore. I guess I just had enough.
One book that helped me a ton in the first two weeks is "Getting Them Sober". It's not really about staying with an A and helping them get sober, although I'm sure it would be helpful for anyone who's decided to stay with their A. It's much more about getting perspective on the nonsense and hurt that A's dish out, and how to go on with your life without taking it in. You can buy it for about $8 on amazon and read it on their free Kindle app on the computer.
Do not call him!! Stay strong. Having a sense of humor helps me. I put the AX's number in my cell phone under the name "WTH?!" So if he does call, I'm going to laugh seeing that little message come up! Why not put your A's number in your phone as "Mr. Peace, Love, Faith, and Baloney" or something else that keeps you from seeing him as your potential soulmate.
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Oh, and maybe find a new gym and a new place to walk. Get rid of everything that reminds you of him if possible, and try to go to new places instead of places you frequented with him. Do some redecorating. Get a new pet. Start a new hobby. Whatever it takes to clear as much of him out of your mental and physical environment.
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"Funny thing, when we ARE communicating...I'm usually not so engorged in thought..."
Could it be when you are communicating, he is feeding your addiction? Interpersonal growth can be painful, I really understand your heavy heart. Listen to your gut, painful as it may be, it is trying to help you get to a better place. He cannot fix what you are experiencing at the present.
There is absolutely nothing he can say or do today, that will change the reality of the situation.This disease does not come with here "take this pill and you will be all better" It shall remain his lifelong battle. You are on a personal journey of self discovery, embrace the ride.
Faith, hope and Love, just words without actions to support them.
Just askin, why are you reading his emails if you are in a no contact situation?
Hugs)))
Could it be when you are communicating, he is feeding your addiction? Interpersonal growth can be painful, I really understand your heavy heart. Listen to your gut, painful as it may be, it is trying to help you get to a better place. He cannot fix what you are experiencing at the present.
There is absolutely nothing he can say or do today, that will change the reality of the situation.This disease does not come with here "take this pill and you will be all better" It shall remain his lifelong battle. You are on a personal journey of self discovery, embrace the ride.
Faith, hope and Love, just words without actions to support them.
Just askin, why are you reading his emails if you are in a no contact situation?
Hugs)))
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 451
COC - I was going to suggest walking new places and going to a new gym too. Anything to build NEW memories. Maybe make it a point to say hello and try to engage someone new in conversation each place you go to. When you go to the grocery store, talk to the person ahead or/behind you in line. Say hello to someone new at the NEW gym you go too. Basically start opening up the line of communication with other people out there.
I am still with my ABF but I am at the i.don't.care point now. I am trying to get out of the house more with my son. When he starts up with his BS, I will remove son and I from the house. Let him stew in his own obnoxious juices for a bit.
In order to see change WE must change whether we are still with our A or not in this moment. Be the change you want to see. Sounds corny, but it is true.
I am still with my ABF but I am at the i.don't.care point now. I am trying to get out of the house more with my son. When he starts up with his BS, I will remove son and I from the house. Let him stew in his own obnoxious juices for a bit.
In order to see change WE must change whether we are still with our A or not in this moment. Be the change you want to see. Sounds corny, but it is true.
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Wow Changes, we have such similar stories!
I lived the 5 Love Languages but I couldn't help but wonder while reading, "So when are you going to start speaking MINE?!"
I *almost* said to him (when we were speaking) "I hope you don't want me to read this as a sort of training manual to be accepting of your drinking." Of course, I didn't say that...it was nasty so I kept quiet.
My X has never been dumped either. He's in his late 30's. I too have come back at every crumb. He came back to me when he first joined AA and it was like a different person completely. I had so much hope, but that's when *I* sunk into a depression...so we got nowhere.
"If you keep up your silence in order to get a different outcome, you may find that he's fine going on without you and will never contact you again.."
And see, that's the part I'm really struggling with...
I know there is no hope with an active A...but not knowing if he's drinking...being erased from existance...from someone I have a deep connection with...well...you might as well cut off my arm!
I wish I had your strength to not care and not want to email or call. I'm very envious of your fortitude!
I'm not going to call. The fear of rejection is too strong. But I may need your guidance during this time....thank you!
I lived the 5 Love Languages but I couldn't help but wonder while reading, "So when are you going to start speaking MINE?!"
I *almost* said to him (when we were speaking) "I hope you don't want me to read this as a sort of training manual to be accepting of your drinking." Of course, I didn't say that...it was nasty so I kept quiet.
My X has never been dumped either. He's in his late 30's. I too have come back at every crumb. He came back to me when he first joined AA and it was like a different person completely. I had so much hope, but that's when *I* sunk into a depression...so we got nowhere.
"If you keep up your silence in order to get a different outcome, you may find that he's fine going on without you and will never contact you again.."
And see, that's the part I'm really struggling with...
I know there is no hope with an active A...but not knowing if he's drinking...being erased from existance...from someone I have a deep connection with...well...you might as well cut off my arm!
I wish I had your strength to not care and not want to email or call. I'm very envious of your fortitude!
I'm not going to call. The fear of rejection is too strong. But I may need your guidance during this time....thank you!
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Originally Posted by marie1960
"
Faith, hope and Love, just words without actions to support them.
Just askin, why are you reading his emails if you are in a no contact situation?
Hugs)))
Faith, hope and Love, just words without actions to support them.
Just askin, why are you reading his emails if you are in a no contact situation?
Hugs)))
No...there are no emails...
There has been zero communication for the past month
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Originally Posted by anvilhead
redcandle, this was your very first post, 6 months ago - has anything really CHANGED regarding the unhealthy dynamics?
It took my ex months of treating me like an emotional punching bag, kicking me out of the house, my moving across the state and a particularly intense fight calling me every name in the book...for him to stop drinking.
Granted, I'm not perfect...but his life spun out of control.
Now I've been living for several months in a new city with a new job. We have stayed in touch but its been very rocky.
After the last major blow-up, I cut contact. He announced he was joining AA and within a few weeks his messages/emails/texts sounded like they were from a completely different person.
I agreed to visit with him recently and was there when he picked up his 30-day sober "coin" (chip?). I explained to him BEFORE this visit that due to the emotional damage I have sustained...I need us to go very, VERY slow. Our lives are very different now...baby steps please. He agreed.
During the visit we had a wonderful time but he still had episodes of intense insecurity. Still, he looks great and in general, managed daily stressors in a much more positive way.
Now I'm back in my city. We agreed to visit again over Christmas. However, not but DAYS back...he is pushing me on moving back in with him, getting MARRIED and having KIDS.
I became completely enraged...and lost it. 30 days sober and he wants to talk about MARRIAGE!!?? He accused me of being an angry person...unstable...rude...selfish.
From a raging drunk, he now talks about "faith, hope and love"..."seeing the light"...and "peace." I feel like he's in a "honeymoon" phase of recovery...the "sober saint." I feel like he had an epiphany, "woke up"...got his life together...and now expects me to just act like everything is fine and we need to pick up where we left off.
I am DEEPLY damaged from our relationship. However, I still care for him...he was my best friend. I don't want to push him away but I feel that he is not respecting my need to heal. I have told him this...he doesn't want to hear it.
Anyone else have experience with this? What happens after 30 days? Anything I should expect? Am I being selfish???
It took my ex months of treating me like an emotional punching bag, kicking me out of the house, my moving across the state and a particularly intense fight calling me every name in the book...for him to stop drinking.
Granted, I'm not perfect...but his life spun out of control.
Now I've been living for several months in a new city with a new job. We have stayed in touch but its been very rocky.
After the last major blow-up, I cut contact. He announced he was joining AA and within a few weeks his messages/emails/texts sounded like they were from a completely different person.
I agreed to visit with him recently and was there when he picked up his 30-day sober "coin" (chip?). I explained to him BEFORE this visit that due to the emotional damage I have sustained...I need us to go very, VERY slow. Our lives are very different now...baby steps please. He agreed.
During the visit we had a wonderful time but he still had episodes of intense insecurity. Still, he looks great and in general, managed daily stressors in a much more positive way.
Now I'm back in my city. We agreed to visit again over Christmas. However, not but DAYS back...he is pushing me on moving back in with him, getting MARRIED and having KIDS.
I became completely enraged...and lost it. 30 days sober and he wants to talk about MARRIAGE!!?? He accused me of being an angry person...unstable...rude...selfish.
From a raging drunk, he now talks about "faith, hope and love"..."seeing the light"...and "peace." I feel like he's in a "honeymoon" phase of recovery...the "sober saint." I feel like he had an epiphany, "woke up"...got his life together...and now expects me to just act like everything is fine and we need to pick up where we left off.
I am DEEPLY damaged from our relationship. However, I still care for him...he was my best friend. I don't want to push him away but I feel that he is not respecting my need to heal. I have told him this...he doesn't want to hear it.
Anyone else have experience with this? What happens after 30 days? Anything I should expect? Am I being selfish???
Anvil...I had to laugh...and then cry...
Well, the big difference is...
He is no longer in recovery (although...I don't know that). But yes, I guess he's been preaching the Faith, Hope, Love for a while.
the difference is...I was a raging lunatic...and now I'm in Al Anon...and while I may still be a closet raging lunatic...I have learned A LOT from my group. I would have NEVER gotten to 17 days without contact without their support.
So the tables have turned somewhat.
What's most jarring is that when I wrote that 6 months ago...I was fueled by anger. Boy is detachment EASY when you have anger!
Now I don't have the anger. So there is a feeling of immense loss.
Additionally, I feel a lot of guilt...
Because while he was still outrageously insecure and pushy during his short sobriety...I was a raging B(#*%, filled with resentment.
I suppose there is a deep wish in me that we had BOTH been in recovery...at the same time.
I really just want to make sure that doing this "no contact" thing is doing the right thing for both of us. I sometimes hear a voice that says, "Don't be so childish! What are you giving him the silent treatment!!??"
But yes, 6 months ago nothing improved because a few days would go by...and I'd call. Well now I'm not calling...and I'm learning just how much support I'm needing to get through this.
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Originally Posted by RedCandle
And see, that's the part I'm really struggling with...
I know there is no hope with an active A...but not knowing if he's drinking...being erased from existance...from someone I have a deep connection with...well...you might as well cut off my arm!
I know there is no hope with an active A...but not knowing if he's drinking...being erased from existance...from someone I have a deep connection with...well...you might as well cut off my arm!
Have you considered personal counseling? It really helped me.
L
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 148
LaTeeDa...I probably should have taken more time to explain myself.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that, when its someone who is closely connected to your life...the loss feels tremendous.
It feels like grieving.
No...I don't *need* him, like an appendage. I stood on my own two feet for many years before him, I have great friends, very stable job, etc.
The feeling of loss comes from the things that we had together...which are now gone. I think that's a pretty normal feeling during a break up or in my case, no contact.
I will admit however, that the attachment is far stronger than perhaps your "typical" breakup. The extreme highs and extreme lows...I do worry that they create a sort of "addiction."
No, I haven't sought out a counselor. So far I've just been focusing on Al Anon and reading (and SR!)
I guess what I'm trying to say is that, when its someone who is closely connected to your life...the loss feels tremendous.
It feels like grieving.
No...I don't *need* him, like an appendage. I stood on my own two feet for many years before him, I have great friends, very stable job, etc.
The feeling of loss comes from the things that we had together...which are now gone. I think that's a pretty normal feeling during a break up or in my case, no contact.
I will admit however, that the attachment is far stronger than perhaps your "typical" breakup. The extreme highs and extreme lows...I do worry that they create a sort of "addiction."
No, I haven't sought out a counselor. So far I've just been focusing on Al Anon and reading (and SR!)
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 148
....and ultimately....as I acknowledge this connection (and perhaps addiction)...my question is if "no contact" is the healthiest way for me to process all of this without hurting myself and others....?
I'm finding it more and more difficult and I want to make sure my motives are in the right place.
They often tell us "Progress, not Perfection." I worry that I feel like I'm regressing. Which is why I came here to all of you.
I'm finding it more and more difficult and I want to make sure my motives are in the right place.
They often tell us "Progress, not Perfection." I worry that I feel like I'm regressing. Which is why I came here to all of you.
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