In serious pain, someone tell me it's going to get better :(
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 485
In serious pain, someone tell me it's going to get better :(
So my AH has been a complete jerk since his binge last week. We had a therapy appointment set for Friday evening. He was in a horrible mood today and when I asked him why he's being a jerk to me, he said he has a lot of "anger and resentment toward me" because 5/12 years ago, when we first got engaged, I lied to him once and went out somewhere other than where I said I was going. The story is, he had made some insecure comments about a bar I used to go to with friends a lot, and I ended up going there one night (I hadn't planned on it but that's where I ended up going for someone's birthday), and I lied about it. He says I am a liar and he can't trust me at all. He says he can't live with me anymore, that I am psychotic because I checked his bank account the other day when he was on his binge. I did check it, but I checked it because he was lying to me on the phone saying he wasn't under the influence, when he was slurring his words and saying crazy things.
He said he married me because he thought I was special, but now he's not seeing that. He said I am just crazy, and that he doesn't want to put the kids through our fighting. He said he'll go to therapy if I want to Friday, but he doesn't see it working. He said he can change, but he doesn't think I can.
Does he not realize why I'm such an effing mess?? I have gone crazy. I've lost my mind, because I have to worry all the time about whether or not he's coming home drunk. I can't trust him to go anywhere.
I need to write down what he's done to me so that it's on here, and I can look at this when he calls me in a few days trying to get me to come home.
-Pushed/slapped/hit me while drunk
-Pushed me twice while pregnant (with both pregnancies)
-Pushed me while sober a few weeks ago when we were arguing
-Called me every name in the book, threatened to kill me and my family when drunk
-Called me a slag, told me I open my legs for any man (when he's drunk)
-Screamed at me at the top of his lungs when we fight
-I had a kidney stone the other day, and he called me a "selfish tart" for waking him up with the sound of being in pain. Mind you I was nursing our 9-month-old at the same time.
-Has called me the C-word multiple times, but says it's not a big deal in the UK, so I shouldn't be so hurt by it
-Terrorized me while drunk, held a flashlight under his face and called me a **** over and over again.
I'm scared of being alone and raising two boys. I'm sad that I can't give them a mom and dad at home, and I'm sorry for having poor judgment in picking their father. It hurts me that I can't give them what I had, two parents at home.
I'm so sad. You have no idea how sad I am right now. I want to lie down and die, but I can't because of my boys. This is so sad.
My sister is almost here to pick me up. This has to be it....
How can someone who says they love you be so, so cruel? How? After everything I've done for him and given up. I have to be able to survive this, because my babies deserve happiness. I just turned 30 a few months ago. This is not how I saw things panning out, at ALL.
He said he married me because he thought I was special, but now he's not seeing that. He said I am just crazy, and that he doesn't want to put the kids through our fighting. He said he'll go to therapy if I want to Friday, but he doesn't see it working. He said he can change, but he doesn't think I can.
Does he not realize why I'm such an effing mess?? I have gone crazy. I've lost my mind, because I have to worry all the time about whether or not he's coming home drunk. I can't trust him to go anywhere.
I need to write down what he's done to me so that it's on here, and I can look at this when he calls me in a few days trying to get me to come home.
-Pushed/slapped/hit me while drunk
-Pushed me twice while pregnant (with both pregnancies)
-Pushed me while sober a few weeks ago when we were arguing
-Called me every name in the book, threatened to kill me and my family when drunk
-Called me a slag, told me I open my legs for any man (when he's drunk)
-Screamed at me at the top of his lungs when we fight
-I had a kidney stone the other day, and he called me a "selfish tart" for waking him up with the sound of being in pain. Mind you I was nursing our 9-month-old at the same time.
-Has called me the C-word multiple times, but says it's not a big deal in the UK, so I shouldn't be so hurt by it
-Terrorized me while drunk, held a flashlight under his face and called me a **** over and over again.
I'm scared of being alone and raising two boys. I'm sad that I can't give them a mom and dad at home, and I'm sorry for having poor judgment in picking their father. It hurts me that I can't give them what I had, two parents at home.
I'm so sad. You have no idea how sad I am right now. I want to lie down and die, but I can't because of my boys. This is so sad.
My sister is almost here to pick me up. This has to be it....
How can someone who says they love you be so, so cruel? How? After everything I've done for him and given up. I have to be able to survive this, because my babies deserve happiness. I just turned 30 a few months ago. This is not how I saw things panning out, at ALL.
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 2,349
Hugs to you!!! I am so sorry you are suffering and I know how it feels to hurt for your children and feel that your choices have negatively affected them, but you can start making changes now. One day at a time! I don't have any good advice for you but I just wanted you to know that there are people here who will listen and offer support and love.
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 548
That's where I am at. And the only thing I can say is...
It's 11 pm here, I haven't seen him since 5 am. I should be worried, right? Is he in jail, did he get a DUI, did he get into a fight/car accident/whatever? Is he with some other woman?
I don't care. I have come to the point where I just don't care anymore. He hates it. But I think he has called me a w**re too much and I just don't care anymore. I am not going to listen to his crap.
I am actually glad he isn't here, I was able to clean the house, get some homework done, focus on things I have been neglecting lately, because he is around. AND for the most part, even being sober, since he hates that I don't care, and is trying to get me back, I guess, or whatever goes on in his alcoholic pickled brain.
All I can say to you is, there will be one day, where you realize, right now, you can't see yourself living without him. But eventually, when it IS too much to handle, you won't be able to see yourself living WITH him. You will begin to imagine life with happiness (well, in my case, I am never happy, but at least a lot less stress and discord) and actually look forward to the future instead of dreading it. Every day will hurt a little less until you get to that point.
That's where I am right now, I know he thinks we are in a relationship but I don't. He needs to help himself. I know the longer he stays around, the more stress I am under, but it's not worth the argument to get him out of my life either. So, I just decided to not care instead. Which is a freedom all in its own, to just...not care. He can't hurt me anymore. Nothing he says will change me, I know who I am, what I did, who I slept with, etc. I am stronger than him.
Argh, I am rambling, sorry, I am getting tired, and I don't know what I am saying. Sorry.
It's 11 pm here, I haven't seen him since 5 am. I should be worried, right? Is he in jail, did he get a DUI, did he get into a fight/car accident/whatever? Is he with some other woman?
I don't care. I have come to the point where I just don't care anymore. He hates it. But I think he has called me a w**re too much and I just don't care anymore. I am not going to listen to his crap.
I am actually glad he isn't here, I was able to clean the house, get some homework done, focus on things I have been neglecting lately, because he is around. AND for the most part, even being sober, since he hates that I don't care, and is trying to get me back, I guess, or whatever goes on in his alcoholic pickled brain.
All I can say to you is, there will be one day, where you realize, right now, you can't see yourself living without him. But eventually, when it IS too much to handle, you won't be able to see yourself living WITH him. You will begin to imagine life with happiness (well, in my case, I am never happy, but at least a lot less stress and discord) and actually look forward to the future instead of dreading it. Every day will hurt a little less until you get to that point.
That's where I am right now, I know he thinks we are in a relationship but I don't. He needs to help himself. I know the longer he stays around, the more stress I am under, but it's not worth the argument to get him out of my life either. So, I just decided to not care instead. Which is a freedom all in its own, to just...not care. He can't hurt me anymore. Nothing he says will change me, I know who I am, what I did, who I slept with, etc. I am stronger than him.
Argh, I am rambling, sorry, I am getting tired, and I don't know what I am saying. Sorry.
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
I have to be able to survive this, because my babies deserve happiness.
It DOES get better. It really, truly does. I left my AXH two years ago and I have never been happier. It hasn't been a bump-free ride, but I have never once regretted the reason to leave.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: California
Posts: 693
I hear you on being sad your kids won't have what you had. I grew up in a family with two loving, healthy parents. I am sooo sad my kids won't have the same. Sometimes, I just can't believe this has happened to me, that my marriage is over. But life at home had become so quietly toxic, like carbon monoxide, and things were getting worse, not better, and I had to make the choice to provide them with a happy, stable homelife. Sometime you just push on for your kids, it is an incredibly strong urge, to protect your offspring. It's stronger than the urge to preserve yourself.
The pain eventually wears to a dull throb, instead of the searing pain you probably feel in your gut and chest right now. Then eventually you have moments, then minutes, then hours of joy. It does get easier. Take good care of YOU --- start with small stuff like bathing daily or keeping your legs shaved or a new pair of jeans. A chocolate bar. A walk. Takeout. Watching a funny movie. Little things add up. Hugs, and hang in there. You are not alone.
The pain eventually wears to a dull throb, instead of the searing pain you probably feel in your gut and chest right now. Then eventually you have moments, then minutes, then hours of joy. It does get easier. Take good care of YOU --- start with small stuff like bathing daily or keeping your legs shaved or a new pair of jeans. A chocolate bar. A walk. Takeout. Watching a funny movie. Little things add up. Hugs, and hang in there. You are not alone.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 485
I just got a drunk call from him. He's completely wasted, went out with his friend on his last night in town. I had a feeling that was why he was being so horrible to me was because he was dying to go out and drink, so if he picked a fight with me, he could go out. Part of me is worried that he's going to drive or drink himself to death but I have to let go. He's not worried about me or our children. I turned my phone off and I'm going to try to get a good night's sleep, because chances are it will be like every other night I've stayed up worried sick about him. He's always fine and not giving a second thought to us.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hello Emmy! I'm so sorry you and your boys have had to live through so much at the hands of your husband!! I know that this is sad, but you and your boys can have peace, serenity, and joy again!
Sad, but true. You and your children deserve to be cared about, respected, and loved. Please don't feel guilty for deciding you DO deserve these things and that you can't get them from this abusive and addicted man.
Originally Posted by EmmyG 
... chances are it will be like every other night I've stayed up worried sick about him. He's always fine and not giving a second thought to us.
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 21
I read all these horror stories women with children are going through with addictions, it breaks my heart. Here I am sitting thinking my life is so bad, lonely, meth addicted, but in reality it doesn't even compare to what you and your children are going through.
It is hard, sad and not what you had planned for a family, but its reality. I hope you do leave him, it won't be easy and you will have alot of challenges ahead, but at least you and your children will be safe from violence, abuse and possibly death. Its a very serious problem that will keep esculating if you stay.
Do your kids a favor and give them a peaceful upbringing. I come from an alcoholic home and now Im addicted to meth. I'm not blaming anyone for my choices but I do believe growing up around alcohol led me to make many bad choices. Good-luck and please leave him you will be so happy after the storm.
It is hard, sad and not what you had planned for a family, but its reality. I hope you do leave him, it won't be easy and you will have alot of challenges ahead, but at least you and your children will be safe from violence, abuse and possibly death. Its a very serious problem that will keep esculating if you stay.
Do your kids a favor and give them a peaceful upbringing. I come from an alcoholic home and now Im addicted to meth. I'm not blaming anyone for my choices but I do believe growing up around alcohol led me to make many bad choices. Good-luck and please leave him you will be so happy after the storm.
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Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 433
Emmy, you sound like you know what's going on--the picking fights with you as an excuse to drink, calling you a psycho to make you question whether it's okay to check his bank account, calling you crazy and saying you've changed to make you question whether you're the one causing the problems in the relationship.
I feel bad that you are going through this--sounds like we were with the same man!
On some level, he knows you are an angry mess because of his drinking, but he'd just prefer to think of you as an angry mess so he can use that as an excuse to keep drinking. It's really toxic, being in the line of fire of an A. He has to blame someone, take someone down, and usually it's the partner. It's pretty sickening that someone could tell you they love you, marry you, have children with you, and then turn you into the person they hate most in order to justify their continued addictive behavior. But there you have it. It is the reality, as horrifying as it is.
Of course you will be fine if you leave him. You are already raising two children under the worst of circumstances! I'm sure you can do a great job under much better circumstances. I'm a mom, too, so I know those fears about leaving and being able to make it, but I also know that things have worked out fine for me.
It sounds like you, like me, are dealing not just with an alcoholic but an emotional and physical abuser. Please do get help. It tends to get worse.
I feel bad that you are going through this--sounds like we were with the same man!
On some level, he knows you are an angry mess because of his drinking, but he'd just prefer to think of you as an angry mess so he can use that as an excuse to keep drinking. It's really toxic, being in the line of fire of an A. He has to blame someone, take someone down, and usually it's the partner. It's pretty sickening that someone could tell you they love you, marry you, have children with you, and then turn you into the person they hate most in order to justify their continued addictive behavior. But there you have it. It is the reality, as horrifying as it is.
Of course you will be fine if you leave him. You are already raising two children under the worst of circumstances! I'm sure you can do a great job under much better circumstances. I'm a mom, too, so I know those fears about leaving and being able to make it, but I also know that things have worked out fine for me.
It sounds like you, like me, are dealing not just with an alcoholic but an emotional and physical abuser. Please do get help. It tends to get worse.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
Emmy,
What he is doing to you is what is done to Prisoners of War. The same violence is done to them--the physical and psychological terrorism, the mind games, the never knowing when the next attack is going to happen, the beating down to nothing the person's self-esteem, the annihilation of the person's will to live, the destroying, utterly, of the person's hope.
This is called torture.
Emmy, let your sister, your family, protect you and your children. Your strength is depleted. Tell them everything and say, "Please help and protect me."
Your AH gets high on abusing you. Your fear gives him a rush.
Please ask others for protection. God bless you.
What he is doing to you is what is done to Prisoners of War. The same violence is done to them--the physical and psychological terrorism, the mind games, the never knowing when the next attack is going to happen, the beating down to nothing the person's self-esteem, the annihilation of the person's will to live, the destroying, utterly, of the person's hope.
This is called torture.
Emmy, let your sister, your family, protect you and your children. Your strength is depleted. Tell them everything and say, "Please help and protect me."
Your AH gets high on abusing you. Your fear gives him a rush.
Please ask others for protection. God bless you.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
I was very upset and saddened about the idea of my girls not having 2 parents at home and the intact family I imagined when I married AH.
But the "intact" family we had wasn't anything close to the dream family I kept hoping could be.
My D's (6 and 4) are INFINITELY happier, healthier and safer with me alone than they ever were when AH and I were together.
Living in the state of constant anxiety, worry, fear, sadness that you describe (I've been there too) takes so much of your energy that you could be spending enjoying your boys.
They will be better off with 1 happy, healthy parent than 2 stressed out ones.
But the "intact" family we had wasn't anything close to the dream family I kept hoping could be.
My D's (6 and 4) are INFINITELY happier, healthier and safer with me alone than they ever were when AH and I were together.
Living in the state of constant anxiety, worry, fear, sadness that you describe (I've been there too) takes so much of your energy that you could be spending enjoying your boys.
They will be better off with 1 happy, healthy parent than 2 stressed out ones.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 451
QUOTE - In Pieces
That's where I am right now, I know he thinks we are in a relationship but I don't. He needs to help himself. I know the longer he stays around, the more stress I am under, but it's not worth the argument to get him out of my life either. So, I just decided to not care instead. Which is a freedom all in its own, to just...not care. He can't hurt me anymore. Nothing he says will change me, I know who I am, what I did, who I slept with, etc. I am stronger than him.
In Pieces - I am totally where you are. I just.don't.care. what he says anymore. I got my ABF a job at my work, and he accuses me at least three times a week with sleeping with some guy that is married, mind you, and is relentless about it. He has called me a w*%re. He gets loud and yells all the time and basically is judgemental and always rambling on about how 'holy' he is. I just think (and sometimes say) "Yeah because men who have a strong faith in God drink every dang day and abuse their family because of alcohol". I finally chalked it up to the guy is seriously just brain damaged from drinking too much. I give up, throw in the towel, digress, whatever you want to call it, i am just done. I am planning (again) my exit strategy but the not caring anymore and getting beyond my fear part is what is going to seal the deal this time.
So many people on here (as well as my mom) have told me, when you hit your bottom, you'll know. I now know. I want someone who I can actually have a conversation with, who shares common goals, who helps around the house, who doesn't spend every single dime he has on alcohol, who wants to save up for trips to fun places like I used to do with my ex, etc etc etc. Living with an alcoholic is just plain depressing and it feel so dang lonely. I have said this many times on here, but I can seriously have a better conversation with my ex. I don't talk to him much but even after being separated/divorced for 6 years he still gets me 200% better than my ABF does, because you know what, he actually freaking cared about me and still wishes me well (and I him). What's that tell you? It tells you that you canNOT have a relationship with a freaking alcoholic. Why, because they care about one thing only, their DOC. Period.
Sorry to ramble but I am going to continue to harness this anger until i get the eff outta my situation.
That's where I am right now, I know he thinks we are in a relationship but I don't. He needs to help himself. I know the longer he stays around, the more stress I am under, but it's not worth the argument to get him out of my life either. So, I just decided to not care instead. Which is a freedom all in its own, to just...not care. He can't hurt me anymore. Nothing he says will change me, I know who I am, what I did, who I slept with, etc. I am stronger than him.
In Pieces - I am totally where you are. I just.don't.care. what he says anymore. I got my ABF a job at my work, and he accuses me at least three times a week with sleeping with some guy that is married, mind you, and is relentless about it. He has called me a w*%re. He gets loud and yells all the time and basically is judgemental and always rambling on about how 'holy' he is. I just think (and sometimes say) "Yeah because men who have a strong faith in God drink every dang day and abuse their family because of alcohol". I finally chalked it up to the guy is seriously just brain damaged from drinking too much. I give up, throw in the towel, digress, whatever you want to call it, i am just done. I am planning (again) my exit strategy but the not caring anymore and getting beyond my fear part is what is going to seal the deal this time.
So many people on here (as well as my mom) have told me, when you hit your bottom, you'll know. I now know. I want someone who I can actually have a conversation with, who shares common goals, who helps around the house, who doesn't spend every single dime he has on alcohol, who wants to save up for trips to fun places like I used to do with my ex, etc etc etc. Living with an alcoholic is just plain depressing and it feel so dang lonely. I have said this many times on here, but I can seriously have a better conversation with my ex. I don't talk to him much but even after being separated/divorced for 6 years he still gets me 200% better than my ABF does, because you know what, he actually freaking cared about me and still wishes me well (and I him). What's that tell you? It tells you that you canNOT have a relationship with a freaking alcoholic. Why, because they care about one thing only, their DOC. Period.
Sorry to ramble but I am going to continue to harness this anger until i get the eff outta my situation.
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