Redheadsusie

Well- I am at a loss and trying to plug forward. I asked Ah to leave beginning of March- not the first time but sure it was right- he would not address 1 thing- was drinking heavily - being terribly verbally abusive and claimed it was all my fault- you know the drill. We were together 13 years - married 8 - anyway- my Dad turned for the worse and got put in Hospice and died March 24th- I dealt with it alone like I did my Mom's death 2 years ago- he wanted to come to funeral when he saw all the neighbors were coming and it made him look like shi* but I said I could not handle it as I was devasted and seeing AH there would have been too hard. My sons were there for me. He had never been there and this was just about him not looking bad. Well- I have been dealing with Daddy's death- grieving terribly and the few times I saw him or talked to him he was nice and then he would get ugly and then he started getting spiritual and sending me nice messages about healing etc. Basically f ing with my emotions. To make a very painful story short- Sunday he had a date on our boat - I saw them from the dock and it has brought me to my knees. I can't eat - can't sleep - look like holy hell and cry non stop. I called him and said wtf was that - he said he did not mean for me to see her - they met at a bar Friday night and she does not live close - she is 10 years younger than us -which really really pisses me off as he told me I was getting old - I am 48 - and this wench has no kids so they can just be irresponsbile - he lives with his parents - they can do what they want. Ok- I know - concentrate on myself - and I am trying - but why am I so very very very sick to my stomach. Logically I know it is - he can just move on - to satisfy his own selfish needs- he has lost the weight - he looks great - he says he has cut back on the drinking - everything he did for me. Ip picture them being intimate on the boat I paid for and I am just beside myself and don't know how to stop. I see him and I want to hug him and cry and love him. But it will all come back I tell myself - he will be an ass to her or someone else like he was to me and his first wife - or is it me- will he pull himself together for her? I love this man - always have - just can't live with the 2 personalities of addiction as I am sorry you all know. He was non supportive - cut me to shreds and I am left feeling so weak and lonely and scared and just like CRAP! . I tell myself time will heal me but I feel broken and I feel like I want him which pisses me off because I know I don't - something is better than nothing right? I feel I have nothing left ahead of me - what if I grow old alone and that ******* moves on. I am left taking care of the responsibilites as I always have and he is left to deal with nothing- not our 5 joint kids he has abandoned - Not a Freaking thing. So very pissed - I need help!

Pelican

Take some deep breaths RHS, inhale deeply - exhale slowly.

You are making yourself sick with future tripping, awfulizing, and just giving space in your head to him.

Tell me about you.

What are you doing to take care of you today?

I'm sorry about your recent loss of your father. Have you considered contacting Hospice and speaking with one of their grief counselors?
That was a service they offered to me when my mother passed away.

How about Alanon? Do you have a list of numbers so that you can call someone to talk to over the phone? I found that list very helpful when I get overwhelmed by emotions.

Redheadsusie

Today- I am thinking of my son graduating from Virginia Tech on Friday - he is an awesome kid and I am so proud that he and I got him through college - the 2 of us - nobody else- proud of that. I have called Hospice and they are great- am scheduled to be in next class starting not until June but I am excited. I am grieving terribly over Daddy - it was awful and I miss him so much. Between losing him and my AH I feel so abandoned. I cant take deep breathes - feel to anxious - I will work on that - thank you! My couselor got fired- nice huh - and I refused to see someone else but today called and made an appointment. And 2 very nice clients are taking me to a delicious seafood place tonight to thank me for finding them a great house and all I did. I need to get more involved with Alanon - never found a group here I really liked - andI reached out to a neighbor I know kind of who I know lost her Dad last year and left her Ah. I am just so sad I can't see straight. thank you for you kind words - they give me hope.

EnglishGarden

I am so deeply sorry for your pain, Susie. It is the gut, raw, intense pain of abandonment. Your father passed away, and that is an experience of abandonment. And your AH has abandoned you repeatedly, continually, for years. And now, in the aftermath of losing your father, you experience a devastating repetition of pain and feelings of acute abandonment by your husband.

You are very fragile right now, and emotionally ill from grief and shock from trauma. You are lost at sea.

There is still a woman in you, a strong woman, who drew a line back in March which declared, "I am better than this. I will not tolerate this abuse one more minute. I was not created by God to be torn to shreds by a selfish, manipulative, cruel human being."

You drew a line. You told him to get out. That Susie is still in you, and she is going to come roaring back.

And about that woman on the boat. An easy pick up for him. Those are everywhere, they have their own severe dysfunction, and they are always available to sick, selfish men. Be glad it isn't you in the crosshairs of his pathology. Susie, you want life, health, honesty, a life without shame or abuse.

Stay safe. Stay away from him as much as possible. You are going to survive this storm at sea. You will. You will be the hero of this story. In March you were heroic, and that is going to continue.

chronsweet

Ooo RHS, I am SOOO sorry for the loss of your dad. I lost mine too almost 10 years ago now and it STILL Hurts to look at a picture of him or think about him. Losing a parent is sheer pain. I have tears in my eyes now thinking about my daddy, and I so empathize with the loss of your dad.

With all of these raw emotions due to loss on so many levels, I know it is hard, but just try to harness the love of your children. They need you and you need them. I know it is hard to think of your AH out and about with someone else, but your words struck me when you said he met this other woman at a bar, go figure, huh?

You have the rest of your life ahead of you now. Grieve your losses, cry your eyes out when you need too, take deep breaths, get out and view nature, look at all the beauty around you including yourself. Things WILL get better for you, this I know.

Sending love your way.

CS

SuzyMarie

Susie, I understand your pain and frustration. I cannot reiterate what English Garden so eloquently posted enough!! That being said, I know the focus needs to be solely on us for our own recoveries, however I will offer you something that may help your pain (and ego..lol). Within a short time after I asked my ex to leave in November, he latched onto a woman he met in AA. "She understood him, she was so strong in her recovery, if he could have a female sponsor she'd be it", blah blah blah. Needless to say, it was a slap in the face. I blocked him from being able to contact me but he would call my work continuously. Most times I would quietly hang up, but I admit to engaging him at times. He'd also show up at my work and home at times begging me to take him back. So come to find out, he moved in with her and her kids March 2nd of this year. By March 10th, he was at my door high his car packed with all his clothes (she took him back), by April 14th he landed in jail for coming to my home and my ex husband's home high and there is an order of protection on my kids. She kicked him out and he was fortunate enough to find a sober living place (third or fourth one). My point is, that he replicated the misery of what took about 7 years in our relationship in a matter of weeks with this woman. In my own moment of weakness, I let him reach out to me after this and actually thought I could try and be a friend to him. Big mistake on my part and I thankfully soon realized the error of MY ways, and stopped contact again. And now they are talking again. So as English stated there are many dysfunctional women out there to enable them and no matter what he SAYS, he is not doing as "great" as he wants you to believe. Be glad it isn't you. So for me, I know I need to step up my focus on my own recovery and thankfully, I did not lose too much ground, so I know I have made some progress! You will be okay and you will process this. I am not trying to point any fingers at my ex or this woman, I just wanted you to know we all share such similar stories on here, only the names have been changed...LOL!!

Florence

EG is always so eloquent and correct.

Remember in your grief to take care of yourself and to be kind to yourself. Dwell on the good things, like having a happy, successful son that just graduated from an excellent university. Or for making these clients so happy with your hard work. You're going places -- and meanwhile your ex is just going to play out his dysfunction on another woman. Soon you'll be able to say, been there, done that, and good riddance, sucker! But right now, take the time to grieve.

I'm so sorry you're dealing with all this at once.

Redheadsusie

Oh My goodness- your words of wisdom and kindness made me tear up and sob but also smile .......Thank you so much. I am gonna take one day at a time and just concentrate on my sons and my job and my blessings and I do have a lot- I just can't wait to be myself again and feel the joy I so much usually exude. WIth love, Susie