MEJA

Well, the bottles he was hiding ..... disappeared. I finally confronted him and he finally fessed up. He even saw me find one bottle....& didn't say a word. Crazy.

He admitted that he drank it & he even drank before going to coach little league. UGH.
We sat & talked for a long time peacefully. I told him in a very calm and honest way that I love him and will do anything I can to help him, but he has got to do something different....ask help from elsewhere. He admitted that he cannot handle it on his own. His exact words were, "It is bigger than me." "I can't control it."

I told him that this was my last offer to help, but that he has to be open and honest with me. We can't have a marriage if he is going to continually lie and hide things. I explained that I have to take care of the kids first and then myself, emotionally.

He is at the Dr. as we speak. His doctor offered to give him direction in what he needs to do. We will see what happens. This is so hard.

m1k3

One really important piece of advice from one who has been through it.

Pay attention to his actions and not his words.

Your friend,

Mike

MEJA

He went to his Dr. He now has an appt with a Psych Dr. next week. A step he has never taken.

Jazzman

Stick around, learn and read and get support. In time you will come to realize those two statements are actually contradictory. I know it's counter intuitive but I'm not the only one here who would say that.

That 10 ways family can help post from Pelican and the stickies at the top of the forum are a tremendous resource for learning about addiction and how it impacts the entire family.

The last thing he needs, or you want, is him taking ADs and drinking on top of them. I've seen that movie before too. I'd wager he'll be less than honest about how much he drinks and blame his issues on stress alone.

lillamy

Amen.

I have forgiven myself for not having the strength to leave earlier than I did, but I also know that my children would have had a much easier path to recovery if I hadn't exposed them to AXH's alcoholism for almost 20 years. As it stands, they will likely be productive members of society, but I am not so sure about how they will manage relationships with the opposite sex.

LaTeeDa

Same here. My children suffered a lot living in a house with an active alcoholic. My only regret about leaving was that I didn't do it sooner. We all (my 2 children and I) went to therapy for well over a year, and it has helped a lot, but you cannot completely undo what has been done.

L

MEJA

The psych doctor he is going to see is the head of Bridgeway Hospital. I am hoping & praying he can help & my AH will participate & allow him to. I have to give him that chance. No, I won't stay forever if he continues on a downward spiral. But again, I have to give him that chance to REALLY do something & make a change.

MEJA

I took my beer out of frig & gave away. I left, what he had left...........I figure that is up to him, not me. He asked me about it & I told him I didn't think me having/drinking beer would help anything, obviously. I don't like the idea of not drinking, ever, but if that is what we have to do then so be it. I think he still thinks he can just drink beer. I don't think so. I have come to the conclusion that i want to be supportive & help if I can, but I can't do it for him, as bad as I want to. It is all up to him. I am not to blame for it & I am not suppose to FIX it. That really takes a weight off my shoulders.

dbh

In addiction to therapy, going to ACA and Al-Anon/Adult Child meetings helped me out significantly when I was trying to detach from my alcoholic father and the craziness of my family of origin.

There's something healing about sitting in a room of people that truly understand what you're going through.

Glad that you're still here.

Best Wishes,

db

3boysandme

Hi
My husband has been hiding alchol from me for the last 11 years (that i know of). First started as bottles of scotch and i found some just before our first son was due to be born. He swore he would never do it again. His usual tipple now is wine. He cannot open a bottle and have a glass, he has to finish the bottle. He hides bottles from me. I once had a bottle under our stairs in fukll view, i kept checking it now and again and seemed to be the same in it. One evening my middle son who was then 5 found a can of lager stashed in the bathroom, he tried to pass it off as having been there ages - the fact that it was cold and still fizzy, he admitted he had just put it there. I then went to tip away a bottle of wine i had stashed from him, which he had subsequently found as it was empty, so i went for the 3/4 full bottle under the stairs, he had drunk it and filled it with water! Last year I left for just over a week as he turned 40 and had gone out, I had a 4 month old baby he went out in a bad mood and he came home real drunk, he told me he "never wanted to f***ing see me again". I thought i would just leave him to it, but he soon shouted down the stairs "was i still there, he could still f"""ing here me and he had said he never wanted to see me again. At that me my 3 boys, 10, 5 and 4 months packed up a load of stuff and went to see my Mum. We went to relate, she suggested he had an issue with alcohol, he went all defensive, he said our sexlife was nearly n on-existent but at the time, he worked nights and i work days so when i get home, on the days he doesnt work he will have been down the pub, i dont want to have sex with someone who is even the slightest bit drunk. He cannot just have 1 pint. if he says he has 1 and i question him, he admits he has had 2! He doesnt see that he has a problem as he isnt alcohol dependant but he does mostly have a drink either at home or down the pub on a day when i am not there. Am I being a nagging woman, is he right? Does he have an issue, or is it just me?
Some advice please... sorry for the lengthy email - there is SO much more that i could add! x

Florence

Hi 3B&M -- welcome.

First, you might get a better response if you start your own discussion thread.

Second, it's not just you. Keep reading here. You will see that a lot of us (so many of us) have had similar experiences, including being confused and stressed out over our partners' drinking and behavior. If it's a problem for you, it's a problem. Usually when alcoholics get to the point where they're hiding alcohol, you're in very serious territory.

Sueski

Hi, 3boysandme. Welcome to SR. I'm sorry for the reasons you are here, but this is a good place for someone dealing with these issues. There is support and understanding here.

It might be a good idea to start your own thread with your questions. I'm afraid your issues may get 'lost' being on another thread.

It sounds to me like he probably does have an alcohol problem, but it also sounds like you might have some codependency issues. I do, too! I count bottles, even though I know I shouldn't. It doesn't change my husband, and it won't change yours. All it does is make us upset and crazy. Try to do some reading on both alcoholism and codependence, Codependent No More is a good book to start with, and check out the stickies at the top of the forum page. Keep coming back here. None of us can change anyone else's direction in life, but we can help and support each other in taking care of ourselves.

3boysandme

Thanks x

3boysandme

Just had a quick look up of codependancy and that does sound true of me. i will look into it a bit more. Our relate therapist went back to when I was younger and my Dad was never at home as he was off having affairs. She said I hold alot of insecurities around this time which is true and i guess she should have touched on this a bit more. Im going to speak to my husband tonight and raise both issues. Things came to a head yetserday as my friend saw him buying cans of beer after he had been to the pub. I told him i felt empty - as described in the c-d part i just read.. interesting stuff, thank you x

Sueski

Take care of yourself, and try to make you and the boys the priority. As other people here have told me, you didn't cause your husband's problem, you can't control it, and you can't cure it.