Lost and Needing Advice

Old 05-08-2012, 05:47 PM
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Lost and Needing Advice

Hello everyone, this is my first post and I was hoping to get some advice. I am 27 years old and my dad has been an alcoholic for my whole life. My mom, sister and I have been through many hard times with him, and I had written him off as a lost cause and totally unreliable for a long time now.

Then last October 2011 he was hospitalized because his drinking had finally ruined his liver and he developed a tear in his esophagus and almost bled to death (A Mallory Weiss tear). He spent almost a month in the hospital, was moved into a physical therapy rehab facility, and finally came home. Amazingly, he seem to make a complete life change. He was following up with all of his doctors (although not going to AA) but he wasn't drinking, he was going for walks and was actually like a real dad to my sister and I.

It was the best 7 months of my life and I was especially excited because I will be graduating from Dental School at the end of this month and I was finally excited to show off my family to all my friends and faculty. So here's the problem- totally unexpectedly he started drinking again. It seems unprovoked and out of the blue, and we have been blindsided.

Now I do not want him to come to my graduation. I have been working so hard for the last four years to become a dentist and I feel worried that he will ruin what should be one of the happiest days of my life. I can't believe he may not be at this once in a life time moment, but I really hate the thought of him being drunk and embarrassing. I don't know how to approach this with him, but I am so angry and I feel like he doesn't even care about how much this means to me. What would you do?
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Old 05-08-2012, 05:58 PM
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Hey, your story sounds like mine! (I'm her sister - we both joined this site in hopes to get some feedback and advice from fellow friends and family). How do you tell a loved one that because of their drinking, you don't want them to come to the most important day of your life (so far)?
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Old 05-08-2012, 06:00 PM
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Welcome to the SR family!

Congratulations to you on your educational accomplishments! Great job on completing Dental School!

It is your graduation. It is your day to celebrate your accomplishment. You can invite whomever you like. You can also omit anyone you wish.

How to tell him?

I recommend this:

Say what you mean,
mean what you say,
but don't say it mean.
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Old 05-08-2012, 06:10 PM
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I agree with Pelican. Be honest and simply say that he is not invited. You don't have to be mean and you don't have to go into long explanations that make you uncomfortable.

Congrats on your achievement as well.

And while we are talking would mind looking at this one tooth of mine?

Your friend,
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Old 05-08-2012, 06:20 PM
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I think what we're struggling with is hoping (probably naively) he can get it together for a long weekend. Long enough to enjoy this special day - but dis-inviting him would never give him that chance.
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Old 05-08-2012, 07:16 PM
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Originally Posted by dilangc View Post
I think what we're struggling with is hoping (probably naively) he can get it together for a long weekend. Long enough to enjoy this special day
There are no guarantees with recovery.

What is your Plan B if he doesn't get his act together before the graduation? Un-invite him? Make him blow a breatherlizer?

If he is active again in his addiction (and he agrees not to drink for that one weekend), he will likely be a snappy, moody, lack-luster person who can't wait for the end of the weekend so he can go have a drink. His next drink will be his focus.
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Old 05-08-2012, 07:24 PM
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Originally Posted by Pelican View Post
If he is active again in his addiction (and he agrees not to drink for that one weekend), he will likely be a snappy, moody, lack-luster person who can't wait for the end of the weekend so he can go have a drink..
HAHA, he is kind of like that as it is already.
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Old 05-08-2012, 08:31 PM
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Welcome both of you to SR,

My father-in-law was an alcoholic and when my sister-in-law (his only daughter) was getting married, she decided that she didnt want him to be there on the day as she felt it would be too difficult and just spoil her wonderful day. She had her eldest brother give her away. It was a happy occasion, despite this.

She went on to have a continued relationship with her dad (till he died years later of alcohol related desease), choosing, for her own health and happiness, when to catch up with him and when not.

Many alcoholics really need to 'feel' the consequences of their drinking and actions to stand a chance of changing their thinking and getting sober. Unfortunately even the consequence of not giving his daughter away at her wedding wasnt enough to make a difference to my FIL way of thinking. My father-in-law drank for all his life, was single for most of it and missed out on many family occasions due to his drinking. It is very sad - but it is what it is.

I have no doubt that telling your dad that he is not welcome to attend your graduation ceremony will hurt him tremendously, but that would be a direct consequence of him continuing to drink alcohol.

Pelican gave you the 'Al-anon' saying we like to use with our alcoholics and also generally in life - Say what you mean, mean what you say, but don't say it mean.

Al-anon by the way is similar to AA but is for family and friends of alcoholics and it really does help. Could both of you and perhaps your mum find out whether there are any local Al-anon meetings close by to you that you can attend. It will help you all deal with the challenges that come from living with an active alcoholic and will definitely help in some of your desision making around family events etc.

My daughter who is 21yrs has been to Al-anon but found some personal councelling/therapy more helpful when dealing with things to do with her alcoholic dad (my husband).

Keep reaching out.
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Old 05-09-2012, 04:25 PM
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Sooooo. I don't think he will be making it to graduation. I talked to our mother today - she said he was passed out in the family room, and had peed himself. This has gone too far, and even though the invitation is out there, he is not physically or mentally able to go to my sister's graduation. I'm a whole mix of emotions now: angry, confused, relieved, and sad.
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Old 05-09-2012, 04:55 PM
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Hi Dilson, I'm so sorry you are dealing with this.

Congrats on all you have accomplished.

As has been said above, just tell him how it has to be in order for you to be comfortable. No drinking or no invite.

I know it's hard, but it's your day and it has to be a great one.

I had to tell my mom a couple of years ago that I would not go to any family functions with her if she was going to be drinking, so if she was drinking don't invite me.

It's worked out well. Take good care, love to you Katie
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Old 05-09-2012, 06:20 PM
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i cant give advise on what to say to him. ya got good advise already. what i hope you can understand is that he isnt a bad man, he is a sick man. if he is an alcoholic like me, he does care and knows what it would mean and its killing him deep inside to know alcohol is in the drivers seat and everything/ everyone else is in the back. i missed out on many, many occasions of my sons life because i chose alcohol and it was killing me inside, but i couldnt stop.
i am truly sorry you have to go through this and hope and pray you will have a great graduation.
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Old 05-09-2012, 06:25 PM
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Originally Posted by dilangc View Post
Sooooo. I don't think he will be making it to graduation. I talked to our mother today - she said he was passed out in the family room, and had peed himself. This has gone too far, and even though the invitation is out there, he is not physically or mentally able to go to my sister's graduation. I'm a whole mix of emotions now: angry, confused, relieved, and sad.
Yes, it sounds like he has left the station for sure. I am sorry that he has let you down this one last time.
Dillson, I want to congratulate you on your accomplishment, graduating from Dental School. Great work!

I had that naive hope too. One day my alcoholic father would say "I love you." or "I am proud of you." He did not say it, he died from cirrhosis. I am learning to give myself some props when I need it, and I have people who matter that tell me good stuff when I feel down.
Do you have some support for yourselves?
Help with the emotions that are coming up now?
Keep coming back, we care about you.

Beth
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Old 05-10-2012, 04:54 PM
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Thought I would share an update for the folks who have been so kind to give us some advice/words of encouragement. Tomorrow, at 1pm, my dad will be entering an inpatient rehab facility. Although I am looking forward to this, and I hope it will help him, I know it's not the end of the road for him (nor us).

He's tried going to rehab before, but checked himself out before the program was over, proclaiming he would be able to "get better" with out any help (yeah right). While he is in this stint with rehab, we'll go to Boston and celebrate my sister's graduation. I'm not sure what is going to happen when we get back, but I want to make myself the main focus of my life. I have spent so much time worrying about him, feeling bad for him, hating him, feeling guilty for hating him, and trying to help him that I've forgotten to take care of myself. It's hard for me to concentrate at work, or sleep at night. I want to move beyond this, whether he does or not.

I know it's easier said that done, but I'm sure as heck going to try.
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Old 05-10-2012, 05:00 PM
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Have you heard of AlAnon?
I suggest you try a few meetings.
And reading "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie.
These will get you started on the road to recovery.
Also, There is the Big Red Book (like the Big Blue Book for AA) for Adult Children of Alcoholics. I think you will see yourself there, and get some insight to your view of life and the world.

I am glad you dad has chosen rehab.
Have a wonderful graduation weekend in Boston!

Beth
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Old 05-10-2012, 05:04 PM
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Thanks for the response, wicked. I have heard of AlAnon. My mom said maybe we should go to a meeting. I'm not very comfortable in social situations of any kind, I don't know how I would do at a meeting. I don't know if I'd want to share, but I think I would be OK with observing and listening.
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Old 05-10-2012, 05:11 PM
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Observing and listening is perfect for these groups.
You should be comfortable there, everyone there is there for the same reason.
I was not comfortable either (distrust of everyone) but I was okay there.
A roomful of strangers who understood me.
wonderful stuff.
Try a few meetings, to get a feel for the different ones.

Beth
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Old 05-11-2012, 01:47 AM
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Hi dillson and dilangc

I'm sorry you're going through such a difficult time, but so glad for you that you have found SR. I wish you all the best for starting your road to recovery, and I hope things work out for your dad this time.

I just wanted to second what Beth said about Al Anon. It's natural to be nervous about going to meet a group of strangers who discuss something that is so very personal to you, and that you may have spoken about very little with other people. Please don't let this stop you from going. I am only starting on my road to recovery, but already Al Anon has made a huge difference to me. There is no obligation to share, it is up to the individual the degree to which they participate. Some nights I share, some nights I don't, and it took me a few weeks at the start to feel comfortable saying anything. The impact of being in a room with people who know exactly how you feel regardless of individual circumstances has to be felt to be believed. It doesn't change your alcoholic(s) or teach you how to cure them, but WOW does it teach you how to start healing yourself. Give it a go, give it several goes before you make your mind up. It will make a wonderful difference to your lives, and to anyone else's life who is affected by your dad's illness.

You both sound very strong, and that you are ready to start taking these steps. Let's all help each other in our journeys.

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