deracs

For so long I have taken the high road. I have suffered so many indignities and humiliations at the hands of my AH. I have stayed with him and prayed things would get better. Covered for him and lied for him. He's on his 4th or 5th stint of "no more drinking".
He says he hasn't had a drink in 3 weeks. He goes to church and meetings and tells people he is in recovery. He spends time with our son. He's not acting like a miserable jerk 95% of the time.
Just when I think he will be nice and never treat me badly again a glimmer of his old self emerges through an off-hand unprovoked nasty comment, an inconsiderate action, his incredibly self-centered way of life continues.
With each "glimmer" of his old self - it all comes rushing back to me. I want to forgive him but I cannot forget all of the terrible things he has done and said. I have been forced to run things and keep peace and try to be "normal" for our son and for show.
And now my AH swoops in like he is superman - not caring that he's heading down the happy highway of newfound sobriety having left a trail of destruction and ruin in his wake. he keeps saying "that was before - I'm different now. I can't help what I did" - as if we're all supposed to just roll right along with him. I am so tired of hating him. It's awful. I feel like if I could forgive him I wouldn't be consumed with such hatred when he reveals his old self again - it literally takes me DAYS to overcome my anger completely. I want the relief of forgiveness but I'm feeling like I will never get there because I hate him for all the pain he has caused me. he's ungrateful and selfish and I'm so sick of being sick over it.

Pelican

What action do you take when his ego shows up?

Do you take a high road that tells him it is okay to continue to verbally abuse you by saying and doing nothing?

Your high road sounds a lot like a lay-down door mat to me.

What actions have you taken towards recovering from your own codependency over the years? Your posts speak of actions that resemble the pattern of rescue/caretake/vicitim (Karpman Drama Triangle) and that is a pattern we codependents like to keep repeating.

Edited to add: I did forgive my ex. I forgave him for not being what I wanted him to be. Sober or drinking, his unacceptable behavior is still unacceptable and that is why he is my Ex.

theuncertainty

That's a load of bull, and you have every right to still be angry with him while he's carrying that attitude, IMHO. I may be off base in saying it, because it's one of AXH's favorite lines and it drives me buggy. However, I think it definitely shows that he's not taking any responsibility for his behavior in the past, which doesn't bode well for his behavior in the future.

The question about when forgiveness comes is such a hard one. And I think it's a very personal one. It depends a great deal on the definition of forgiveness that one subscribes to. I still haven't forgiven AXH for the stuff he did and/or continues to do. I think the fact that he continues to pull some of it is a major reason. The other stuff... he no longer does because I've removed myself from the equation with him. AXH has yet to admit that anything he did was wrong or hurtful.

I struggle with the question of whether I'll ever be able to forgive him. I understand that forgiveness is for me, not him, but at the same time... how does one forgive some one who continues to behave in ways that are unacceptable? IDK still working on that myself...

mattmathews

My RAW's counselors told her "You need to live in the now." One of my favorite books is "The Power of the Now" by Eckhart Tolle, that I read while I was on the way to visit my father that I hadn't seen or talked to in 30 years. (I was an abused child).

My wife is in AA, I'm in Al-anon. In our own respective ways, we've both left a trail of destruction behind us. We all have, none of us is perfect. And we can and will take responsibility for our actions. And we can and will make amends. But living in the past doesn't help anyone. Hanging on to our anger and pain doesn't hurt anyone but ourselves.

My wife has changed. I know she's changed because I've changed.

How about this for a good line: "Forgiveness is a gift we give ourselves." I held onto my anger at my Dad for 30 years. It cost me a lot of pain and energy. Somehow, once I started my program of recovery, my higher power made it clear that it was time to forgive. It was something I needed to do, not for my Dad. My Dad could have been dead and I still would have needed to do it. I needed to do it for me. And as soon as I did, I felt "lighter." That was my experience.

You don't have to forgive your husband. He may not have asked you to forgive him. He may never ask you forgive him. But I can tell you this, when and if you get to the point where you are able to forgive...you will have changed. And that's going to be a good day!

mattmathews

And although I truly believe that what I said about forgiveness is true. That doesn't mean that you have to accept your husbands bad behavior, or that you need to "give him another chance," or even that he needs to remain your husband.

We can't help being angry. It's an emotion. But that emotion fades and disappears. When you find yourself angry today for something that happened yesterday...that's obsession. You may still be living with your jerk of a husband who makes you angry at times. But you really can learn to let that anger go. Try Al-Anon, try counseling, try meditation. Hang in there. You're worth it.

deracs

To all of you who responded - THANK YOU! It reminds me I'm not crazy. My high road act used to be to say nothing. Now it is to calmly state why his comment or action was unacceptable and make a firm request for him to consider my feelings and others before he speaks or acts in the same way again. Like talking to a child. I am going to go to AlAnon - I went once before and although I sat there and pretty much cried the entire time it was a good group and I felt understood. I've been reading the BB. I'm trying to stay off the low road because it inevitably leads to some kind of rehash of his awful behavior - and i find myself defending my feelings and opinions even though his drunken behavior was outright malicious and total lunacy. i told a friend of mine recently that I feel as though I carry a shield in front of me all day long - and it's gotten too darn heavy. I have been thinking that maybe I am done with the whole ridiculous exhausting cycle - time to get rid of the codie act - it cannot possibly be ok to continue to live like this - I will not be scorned or belittled for sticking up for myself - and more importantly not backing down when he tries to berate me for calling him out on his cr*p. So now it's my turn to live it one day at a time and do the next right thing FOR ME. To have lost myself to the point I did really scares me - what kind of person am I to have compromised myself so completely? I'm ashamed really. and angry at myself. disappointed that I gave so much control to another person. I do wonder if I am mourning the death of the marriage and just haven't reached the burial yet. thank goodness for SR and the support I receive here.

Tuffgirl

Isn't it extremely relieving to find out that we are, in fact, not totally and completely nuts, that our lives have just become unmanageable and there is hope to change that?

I read a great book last spring that helped with some of my anger, aptly titled Anger and Forgiveness, by Earnie Larson. Took me a long time to let it all go, and even now I find I still have residual anger on occasion. It's normal.

Cyranoak

This is your life. It will not change unless you change it.

You.