not ready to leave yet
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Select
Posts: 9
not ready to leave yet
Hi everyone!
I've been reading your posts and I can only imagine what most of you have gone through. I'm happy for those of you who managed to find some peace of mind.
I've been in a relationship with my ABF for only 2 mo now, and I'm not yet willing to give in.
He is a great person, very educated, and very sweet, who changes completely when he drinks. He is not violent to me, but is just a completely differnet person...very sad.
However, in all the posts I've read so far, there's only one message: leave!
Is that the only way? I do not want to lose him, or let alcohol kill him.
Thank you for your time.
I've been reading your posts and I can only imagine what most of you have gone through. I'm happy for those of you who managed to find some peace of mind.
I've been in a relationship with my ABF for only 2 mo now, and I'm not yet willing to give in.
He is a great person, very educated, and very sweet, who changes completely when he drinks. He is not violent to me, but is just a completely differnet person...very sad.
However, in all the posts I've read so far, there's only one message: leave!
Is that the only way? I do not want to lose him, or let alcohol kill him.
Thank you for your time.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
Welcome Sofi!
You have come to a great place with lots of people who are willing to share their experience, strength and hope.
One of the main things I learned here was the 3c's.
I didn't cause it.
I can't control it.
I can't cure it.
There was nothing I could do to make my alcoholic wife (AW) stop drinking and taking pills. Nothing I could say that would change anything. She would only get better when she was ready to get better and nothing I could do would change that.
Please keep reading and posting. We are all here for you.
Your friend,
You have come to a great place with lots of people who are willing to share their experience, strength and hope.
One of the main things I learned here was the 3c's.
I didn't cause it.
I can't control it.
I can't cure it.
There was nothing I could do to make my alcoholic wife (AW) stop drinking and taking pills. Nothing I could say that would change anything. She would only get better when she was ready to get better and nothing I could do would change that.
Please keep reading and posting. We are all here for you.
Your friend,
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
You can stay, absolutely. But just know that you can't change him, control what he does or doesn't do and won't be able to convince him to get help. If you are okay living with the status quo and can come to a peaceful acceptance that he'll do what he does and you can't do a thing about it (it's not about whether he loves you or you love him-- it's about addiction and that wins everytime) then staying makes sense.
I think the message of leave is far less about leaving someone you care about than it is asking you to take care of yourself and consider what you are willing to live with. It's not just going to get better on its own, and you can do all the al anon and therapy and reading and relationship work in the world and you won't be able to touch your BF's addiction. He has to see there's a problem and work to fix it. Sounds like you right now are the only one concerned with his drinking and I hear myself in your words from about 2 yrs ago and can assure you it DOES get worse.
My stbxAH went from not being violent and just withdrawing and being grumpy when he drank to hitting me, hurting our daughters and assaulting himself and telling the police I did it and landing me in jail.
So, I hope that your story turns out different and your BF decides to make healthier life choices. For now, maybe find a therapist, or al anon and if you want, suggest that your BF consider AA. His reaction to that will probably tell you a lot.
I think the message of leave is far less about leaving someone you care about than it is asking you to take care of yourself and consider what you are willing to live with. It's not just going to get better on its own, and you can do all the al anon and therapy and reading and relationship work in the world and you won't be able to touch your BF's addiction. He has to see there's a problem and work to fix it. Sounds like you right now are the only one concerned with his drinking and I hear myself in your words from about 2 yrs ago and can assure you it DOES get worse.
My stbxAH went from not being violent and just withdrawing and being grumpy when he drank to hitting me, hurting our daughters and assaulting himself and telling the police I did it and landing me in jail.
So, I hope that your story turns out different and your BF decides to make healthier life choices. For now, maybe find a therapist, or al anon and if you want, suggest that your BF consider AA. His reaction to that will probably tell you a lot.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the SR family!
Please make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed.
Most of the active members here are folks like you that just became aware of how alcohol is a priority in the relationship. Most active members are coming to terms with how alcohol has taken over and their lives have become unmanageable. They come here for support and encouragement.
When I came here, I was a hot mess. I didn't know if I was coming or going. I couldn't make a decision on anything because I was so full of self doubt. I had become a shell of my former self after living with active alcoholism for so long.
I had become obsessed with changing my husband's behavior, and I changed into someone I didn't like in the process. My focus was on him and I had lost focus on myself.
When we encourage a member to leave and seek personal serenity, it is often because that is the only way to remove focus from the alcoholism and return focus onto self. Self care is where we have control.
Some members are able to find loving detachment, healthy boundaries and continue to live peaceably in their relationship with an alcoholic. When they find this serenity, they often drift away from the forums and no longer post as active members. Therefore, the majority of active members are ones that are hurting and needing support as they wake up in a nightmare that is their life.
I did try to live with my active alcoholic and find ways to take care of myself. I found a link here at SR with steps that helped me while living with alcoholism. However, I was not able to detach (with love) from his actions and his consequences as they began to affect our entire family. So I left.
Here is a link to the post that contains steps that helped me:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
Please make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed.
Most of the active members here are folks like you that just became aware of how alcohol is a priority in the relationship. Most active members are coming to terms with how alcohol has taken over and their lives have become unmanageable. They come here for support and encouragement.
When I came here, I was a hot mess. I didn't know if I was coming or going. I couldn't make a decision on anything because I was so full of self doubt. I had become a shell of my former self after living with active alcoholism for so long.
I had become obsessed with changing my husband's behavior, and I changed into someone I didn't like in the process. My focus was on him and I had lost focus on myself.
When we encourage a member to leave and seek personal serenity, it is often because that is the only way to remove focus from the alcoholism and return focus onto self. Self care is where we have control.
Some members are able to find loving detachment, healthy boundaries and continue to live peaceably in their relationship with an alcoholic. When they find this serenity, they often drift away from the forums and no longer post as active members. Therefore, the majority of active members are ones that are hurting and needing support as they wake up in a nightmare that is their life.
I did try to live with my active alcoholic and find ways to take care of myself. I found a link here at SR with steps that helped me while living with alcoholism. However, I was not able to detach (with love) from his actions and his consequences as they began to affect our entire family. So I left.
Here is a link to the post that contains steps that helped me:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
It's up to you to decide whether or not you want to be in a relationship with someone "who changes completely when he drinks," and whether you want to wait in the wings for your life to start while he trucks along a path of self-destruction. I said I did "not want to lose him or let alcohol kill him" about my RAH. I love him, but I hurt myself immeasurably by staying. It's an extremely sick dynamic.
What do you want from a relationship? Are you willing to put your wants and needs on hold whenever he goes on a bender? You're two months into this. That's a blink of time. There's nothing tangible right now keeping you tied to his dysfunction.
If I knew at two months into the relationship with my husband what I know now, I would have walked away. Food for thought.
What do you want from a relationship? Are you willing to put your wants and needs on hold whenever he goes on a bender? You're two months into this. That's a blink of time. There's nothing tangible right now keeping you tied to his dysfunction.
If I knew at two months into the relationship with my husband what I know now, I would have walked away. Food for thought.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 253
[QUOTE=Pelican;3394103]
Some members are able to find loving detachment, healthy boundaries and continue to live peaceably in their relationship with an alcoholic. When they find this serenity, they often drift away from the forums and no longer post as active members. QUOTE]
Hi sofi,
This is me. Pelican nailed my life down so perfectly it is scary. I'm still here at SR because I'm still in the process of finding that serenity. My wife sounds just like your boyfriend. I made the decision to stay many, many years ago and I do not regret it. She has never been physically violent towards me but I will tell you that there is something called emotional viiolence and that will take it toll on your heart and your soul.
Don't get me wrong. There are good days and I will always remember the great memories we have had and the great ones we still have although, over time, they become less frequent. Sofi, living with an alcoholic sucks the life out of you if you do not loving detach as Pelican says. I waited till I was desperate and on the verge of losing my sanity before I came here to SR.
I read all the stickeys, I am still reading all the posts, and I have read books like "Under the Influence", "Getting Them Sober", "Codependent No More", and "The Addictive Personality" because longtime members here suggested those books. Folks here strongly recommend Al-Anon and I believe in them. I haven't gone to my first meeting yet but I am working the 12 steps here at SR and I may go to Al-Anon eventually. To go to F2F meetings is a personal decision.
sofi, you wrote something in your post that struck a chord within me: I do not want to lose him, or let alcohol kill him.
I have learned here at SR that I do not have any power over whether alcohol kills or not; that is, I spent years trying to help my wife stop killing herself with alcohol and the only thing I accomplished was making myself crazy. Today, my wonderful wife is dying from alcohol; I almost lost her several times this past year. I can no longer do anything about it. It costs me over $1,000/month in medical bills to keep her alive and I stopped keeping track of how much she spends on alcohol to kill herself. It's not about the money to me; I just wrote that to tell you what your future may be if you make the choice to stay.
I made the choice you are debating to make. Whichever choice you make is yours entirely but I will tell you that, if HE does not make the choice to change you will lose him to alcohol.
I truly wish you well.
Some members are able to find loving detachment, healthy boundaries and continue to live peaceably in their relationship with an alcoholic. When they find this serenity, they often drift away from the forums and no longer post as active members. QUOTE]
Hi sofi,
This is me. Pelican nailed my life down so perfectly it is scary. I'm still here at SR because I'm still in the process of finding that serenity. My wife sounds just like your boyfriend. I made the decision to stay many, many years ago and I do not regret it. She has never been physically violent towards me but I will tell you that there is something called emotional viiolence and that will take it toll on your heart and your soul.
Don't get me wrong. There are good days and I will always remember the great memories we have had and the great ones we still have although, over time, they become less frequent. Sofi, living with an alcoholic sucks the life out of you if you do not loving detach as Pelican says. I waited till I was desperate and on the verge of losing my sanity before I came here to SR.
I read all the stickeys, I am still reading all the posts, and I have read books like "Under the Influence", "Getting Them Sober", "Codependent No More", and "The Addictive Personality" because longtime members here suggested those books. Folks here strongly recommend Al-Anon and I believe in them. I haven't gone to my first meeting yet but I am working the 12 steps here at SR and I may go to Al-Anon eventually. To go to F2F meetings is a personal decision.
sofi, you wrote something in your post that struck a chord within me: I do not want to lose him, or let alcohol kill him.
I have learned here at SR that I do not have any power over whether alcohol kills or not; that is, I spent years trying to help my wife stop killing herself with alcohol and the only thing I accomplished was making myself crazy. Today, my wonderful wife is dying from alcohol; I almost lost her several times this past year. I can no longer do anything about it. It costs me over $1,000/month in medical bills to keep her alive and I stopped keeping track of how much she spends on alcohol to kill herself. It's not about the money to me; I just wrote that to tell you what your future may be if you make the choice to stay.
I made the choice you are debating to make. Whichever choice you make is yours entirely but I will tell you that, if HE does not make the choice to change you will lose him to alcohol.
I truly wish you well.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 451
Florence gave some great insight! If I would have known my ABF was an Alcoholic at 2 months, I think I would have left myself. I grew up around drug addicts and I would never have been with a drug addict because of it, BUT, I did not know what alcoholism looked like. My ABF drank a lot when I first met him, but seriously, I just thought he was living at the beach, having a good time. Everyone was drinking. I drank some, but I stopped, because I don't like beer and alcohol that much.
Now, FIVE YEARS LATER, he is still drinking with episodes of drug use in the middle of that five years. Before our son was born, he was addicted to pills and opiates, and that was pretty awful. When he quit that stuff, it was full steam into the alcohol. He has seriously been sober for, hmmmm, maybe a handful of days in the last year. So, with alcohol being a PROGRESSIVE disease, just think about being around someone that drinks DAILY and changes right before your eyes every.single.day.
I can tell you this, it is not a picnic in the park. It rips your own soul from you. I have become a shell of my former upbeat, happy, spontaneous self. I went from a previous relationship where we BBQ'd almost every weekend, took road trips snowboarding, went camping, to the desert to go ride Off-Road Vehicles, went to the movies, out to eat, just basically were very social to a relationship where I am in constant turmoil over how much my ABF drinks. I hate going anywhere anymore because he is always drunk. It is embarrassing to me to go to the zoo with my son and his father who has to slam three beers in the parking lot or who wants to call any trip short because he hasn't had a drink yet and just wants to get home to drink. I went out to eat with him a few weeks ago at a Japanese/Chinese buffet and the guy was so sh*t-faced that he barely remembered going the next day and I sat there just so mad that I was the ONLY person in the restaurant who was with a person I couldn't even have a conversation with and who was shoving sushi down his face with a drunken stare and drool practically falling out of his mouth. There are NORMAL people out there who like to communicate with their significant other and who are relationship material. I live with an ABF and i have NEVER, EVER in my life felt so alone in a relationship, ever.
Just my experience. Not sure where your BF is on the spectrum, but if he is like mine, and can't even admit there is a problem with alcohol and thinks he can just 'quit anytime' and 'doesn't need' something he drinks all the freaking time, then it could be a long time coming before and IF he ever gets any help.
Now, FIVE YEARS LATER, he is still drinking with episodes of drug use in the middle of that five years. Before our son was born, he was addicted to pills and opiates, and that was pretty awful. When he quit that stuff, it was full steam into the alcohol. He has seriously been sober for, hmmmm, maybe a handful of days in the last year. So, with alcohol being a PROGRESSIVE disease, just think about being around someone that drinks DAILY and changes right before your eyes every.single.day.
I can tell you this, it is not a picnic in the park. It rips your own soul from you. I have become a shell of my former upbeat, happy, spontaneous self. I went from a previous relationship where we BBQ'd almost every weekend, took road trips snowboarding, went camping, to the desert to go ride Off-Road Vehicles, went to the movies, out to eat, just basically were very social to a relationship where I am in constant turmoil over how much my ABF drinks. I hate going anywhere anymore because he is always drunk. It is embarrassing to me to go to the zoo with my son and his father who has to slam three beers in the parking lot or who wants to call any trip short because he hasn't had a drink yet and just wants to get home to drink. I went out to eat with him a few weeks ago at a Japanese/Chinese buffet and the guy was so sh*t-faced that he barely remembered going the next day and I sat there just so mad that I was the ONLY person in the restaurant who was with a person I couldn't even have a conversation with and who was shoving sushi down his face with a drunken stare and drool practically falling out of his mouth. There are NORMAL people out there who like to communicate with their significant other and who are relationship material. I live with an ABF and i have NEVER, EVER in my life felt so alone in a relationship, ever.
Just my experience. Not sure where your BF is on the spectrum, but if he is like mine, and can't even admit there is a problem with alcohol and thinks he can just 'quit anytime' and 'doesn't need' something he drinks all the freaking time, then it could be a long time coming before and IF he ever gets any help.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Welcome sofi!
I remember feeling the same way when I first began reading through this forum. I wanted so badly to come across a success story, and after all this time, I have found a few relationships that survived. But the real success stories are the folks who let go of their own addiction to the addicted loved one in their lives and went on to their own sense of serenity and self worth. That's me. I had to let go.
It hasn't been easy, but it is doable. And by letting go, you don't have to let go of the relationship. Just let go of the need to control it, the desire to fix someone else. You didn't break him; you can't fix him. He's a grown man who can only fix himself.
Keep reading and keep coming back!
~T
I remember feeling the same way when I first began reading through this forum. I wanted so badly to come across a success story, and after all this time, I have found a few relationships that survived. But the real success stories are the folks who let go of their own addiction to the addicted loved one in their lives and went on to their own sense of serenity and self worth. That's me. I had to let go.
It hasn't been easy, but it is doable. And by letting go, you don't have to let go of the relationship. Just let go of the need to control it, the desire to fix someone else. You didn't break him; you can't fix him. He's a grown man who can only fix himself.
Keep reading and keep coming back!
~T
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: North West, England
Posts: 500
One thing I always used to think about my ex.. 'hes so wonderful, except for when he's not'.
The times he wasnt became closer and closer until one day I woke up in a nightmare that every single day was horrendous and getting worse.
What is it that makes you want to commit to this man? I'd never tell anyone to leave unless there are kids or violence or both. But at the same time.. If after 2 months his drinking makes you uncomfortable enough for you to land at SR, what do you think it'll be like in 2 years, or 12 years? Addiction is progressive.
The times he wasnt became closer and closer until one day I woke up in a nightmare that every single day was horrendous and getting worse.
What is it that makes you want to commit to this man? I'd never tell anyone to leave unless there are kids or violence or both. But at the same time.. If after 2 months his drinking makes you uncomfortable enough for you to land at SR, what do you think it'll be like in 2 years, or 12 years? Addiction is progressive.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Hi, perhaps you should consider attending Alanon meetings, might help you to better understand this disease called addiction.
This is a progressive disease that has no cure, he will be an alcoholic all his life, it is just a matter of whether he is sober and working a strong recovery program or not.
Take some time to read the stickies at the top of this forum and those in Family & Friends Of Substance Abusers, lots of knowledge just a click away.
It is your choice to stay or not stay, be prepared for a bumpy ride, make sure that you are strapped in tightly.
Keep reading, keep posting, it will help.
This is a progressive disease that has no cure, he will be an alcoholic all his life, it is just a matter of whether he is sober and working a strong recovery program or not.
Take some time to read the stickies at the top of this forum and those in Family & Friends Of Substance Abusers, lots of knowledge just a click away.
It is your choice to stay or not stay, be prepared for a bumpy ride, make sure that you are strapped in tightly.
Keep reading, keep posting, it will help.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Orem UT
Posts: 312
I was stubburn and did the opossite everyone always told me for my own good, I knew better!! 
, so even though there was red flags, I still married the alcoholic, there was something in me (self esteem, fear) that was telling me that If I can help, fix or change the alcoholic, I will be an okay person...but I just ended up so messed up after 17 years that I lost all desire to live.
I do not know how old you are or how old is your BF, but it is entirely up to you to take the risk of "wasting" your life if you choose someone that WILL NOT be there for you, that is emotional unavailable and will disappoint you in every possible way.
Check your motives and then be happy. Good luck to you.
, so even though there was red flags, I still married the alcoholic, there was something in me (self esteem, fear) that was telling me that If I can help, fix or change the alcoholic, I will be an okay person...but I just ended up so messed up after 17 years that I lost all desire to live.I do not know how old you are or how old is your BF, but it is entirely up to you to take the risk of "wasting" your life if you choose someone that WILL NOT be there for you, that is emotional unavailable and will disappoint you in every possible way.
Check your motives and then be happy. Good luck to you.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
Sofi, Am I reading this correctly, you have only been involved with him for two months?
Certainly not trying to disrespect your feelings here, but if you guys are already having problems at two months, what to you think it's going to be six months from now, a year from now?
In two short months you have recognized a problem. i think you are one lucky and intelligent woman. Take care of you, first, he is going to do whatever he damn well pleases.
You have absolutely no control or power over his drinking.
BUT.........
you have a choice to choose if you want to spend your days with an intoxicated person.
Certainly not trying to disrespect your feelings here, but if you guys are already having problems at two months, what to you think it's going to be six months from now, a year from now?
In two short months you have recognized a problem. i think you are one lucky and intelligent woman. Take care of you, first, he is going to do whatever he damn well pleases.
You have absolutely no control or power over his drinking.
BUT.........
you have a choice to choose if you want to spend your days with an intoxicated person.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,851
If you aren't ready to leave, then you won't leave. It's as simple as that. Even if you did try to follow the ESH you have received here, if you heart isn't in it, you'd go back the first time he promised he would change.
You are still in that very early "honeymoon" period where you think things aren't really all that bad and can excuse things because when he isn't drinking, he's a great person, very educated, and very sweet. You believe that to be the real him. Unfortunately, if he is showing you this side of him so early in the relationship, chances are what you see when he is drinking most probably IS the real him, with intermittent periods of being such a great person and very sweet.
But, again, if you aren't convinced that it's time to leave, then there is no point in leaving. You won't stay left. You'll let him talk you into coming back and then it will all be for naught. He will know that you are easy to manipulate and will play on that for as long as you allow him to.
You are still in that very early "honeymoon" period where you think things aren't really all that bad and can excuse things because when he isn't drinking, he's a great person, very educated, and very sweet. You believe that to be the real him. Unfortunately, if he is showing you this side of him so early in the relationship, chances are what you see when he is drinking most probably IS the real him, with intermittent periods of being such a great person and very sweet.
But, again, if you aren't convinced that it's time to leave, then there is no point in leaving. You won't stay left. You'll let him talk you into coming back and then it will all be for naught. He will know that you are easy to manipulate and will play on that for as long as you allow him to.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
Sofi, welcome!
It's great that you posted. It took courage. You could have chosen not to open up or to listen to what others had to share about their experiences with alcoholics, but you looked at your situation with your new alcoholic boyfriend and decided to get feedback. That's more than most do.
I so identify with that desire I hear in your words to be a devoted partner. To have a deep purpose in your life, something which calls forth your best self. Something to give meaning to your life. I sense that you feel that being this man's faithful partner, believing in him, supporting him, protecting him, feels like a spiritual calling for you.
You can't make your choices based on others' experiences. You will want to make them based on your own experiences.
So, as time moves forward and you have further experiences with an alcoholic partner, we will be here. Always feel free to post. Much more will be revealed to you, in your relationship, and you will do well to seek out others in recovery for support.
It's great that you posted. It took courage. You could have chosen not to open up or to listen to what others had to share about their experiences with alcoholics, but you looked at your situation with your new alcoholic boyfriend and decided to get feedback. That's more than most do.
I so identify with that desire I hear in your words to be a devoted partner. To have a deep purpose in your life, something which calls forth your best self. Something to give meaning to your life. I sense that you feel that being this man's faithful partner, believing in him, supporting him, protecting him, feels like a spiritual calling for you.
You can't make your choices based on others' experiences. You will want to make them based on your own experiences.
So, as time moves forward and you have further experiences with an alcoholic partner, we will be here. Always feel free to post. Much more will be revealed to you, in your relationship, and you will do well to seek out others in recovery for support.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Danville va
Posts: 9
I know how you feel. My fiancé is an active narcotic user. When he has something everything is wonderful when he doesn't watch out and bare for the worst. I ask myself everyday is it worth the stress it causes myself. I've been with him over a year and take my advice it gets worse and the love you have for the person grows stronger enabling you to not want to leave. I pray everyday for answers or hope, but really it comes down to can you handle it because you cannot help someone before they want to help themselves
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 302
I've got to say that I'm impressed that you've picked up on this being a problem for you after only 2 months. It took me several years to realize there _was_ a problem, then several more to figure out what that problem was, and then several more to extricate myself.
And I have to agree with the others. If I knew then what I knew now, well...
A) I probably wouldn't believe it. He didn't have a problem when we starting dating, or even when we married 4 years later.
And B) I would have gotten the heck out of dodge before it consumed my life (and a heck of a lot of money and tears)
And I have to agree with the others. If I knew then what I knew now, well...
A) I probably wouldn't believe it. He didn't have a problem when we starting dating, or even when we married 4 years later.
And B) I would have gotten the heck out of dodge before it consumed my life (and a heck of a lot of money and tears)
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
I think my post was a bit misleading, so I will add:
The desire to be a supportive helpmate to one's partner can indeed be a spiritual calling with deep rewards. But if that partner is an active addict, this desire to be a faithful helpmate will likely be distorted and destructive to you both, as it will be used as a justification for enabling. And enabling helps kill alcoholics and addicts.
You could be very bad for him, even though you wish to be good for him.
The desire to be a supportive helpmate to one's partner can indeed be a spiritual calling with deep rewards. But if that partner is an active addict, this desire to be a faithful helpmate will likely be distorted and destructive to you both, as it will be used as a justification for enabling. And enabling helps kill alcoholics and addicts.
You could be very bad for him, even though you wish to be good for him.
Lord Have Mercy
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Upper Midwest
Posts: 242
If he really is an alcoholic, based on the experience of many others in this forum alone, things are likely to get worse rather than better due to the progressive nature of his condition.
When I say worse, I am talking about car accidents, OWI's, horribly embarassing situations with friends and family, special occasions ruined, hospitals, near-death experiences, endless worrying and pain, anger, frustration, betrayal, and infidelity.
As others have said, if you are concerned after 2 months, that is a red flag as big as continental China. It also shows you are very perceptive.
God will take care of him, say a prayer and try to let him go. I personally didn't realize I was married to an alcoholic until 1-2 years into it, and then I was "hooked".
I wish you all the best.
When I say worse, I am talking about car accidents, OWI's, horribly embarassing situations with friends and family, special occasions ruined, hospitals, near-death experiences, endless worrying and pain, anger, frustration, betrayal, and infidelity.
As others have said, if you are concerned after 2 months, that is a red flag as big as continental China. It also shows you are very perceptive.
God will take care of him, say a prayer and try to let him go. I personally didn't realize I was married to an alcoholic until 1-2 years into it, and then I was "hooked".
I wish you all the best.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 588
Yup, I would have loved to had a red flag at two months. We had kids, been married several years and moved away from from all my family and friends before I found out my husband was an alcoholic.
My AH is one of the ones you could say (if you were so inclined) "well, at least he's not as bad as..." about. He works, helps around the house, tries to do the right things, not verbally or physically abusive. He hides his daily drinking (it wasn't always daily) and tries hard to hide the physical affects of being under the influence, and if he can't hide it, he goes to bed. He's just not really "there". If I had known he would become alcoholic I would never have married him.
My AH is one of the ones you could say (if you were so inclined) "well, at least he's not as bad as..." about. He works, helps around the house, tries to do the right things, not verbally or physically abusive. He hides his daily drinking (it wasn't always daily) and tries hard to hide the physical affects of being under the influence, and if he can't hide it, he goes to bed. He's just not really "there". If I had known he would become alcoholic I would never have married him.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 38
My father is an alcoholic, one of my brothers is an alcoholic and my other brother is a recovering drug addict. And I have encountered many alcoholics in my life, but nothing could have prepared me for actually living with and be married to an alcoholic in full action.
One would have thought that within 2 months I would have seen red flags. Sure he drank a bit, but we had alot in common, he can be very loving, he is a very nice person, most everyone likes him, he is smart, he works, has a great job and does help around the house. But 5 years into being married the drinking a bit, turned into drinking ALOT and all the problems you see posted by others began happening.
He has never been physically violent but has said and done many hurtful things that have left scars that can't be seen but are just as bad as the scars from physical voilence. Unfortunately it wasn't until then that I found out that he had periodic bouts with excessive drinking before we had started dating. He had been able to put himself in check in prior years and then he couldn't anymore, this time the disease had control of him.
Before dating my AH I came out of a bad relationship (not alcohol related). What I really wanted was someone kind, responsibile, loving etc. and I found this and more in my AH in the beginning. But had I really known the truth about alcoholism or known what was coming down the road I am certain we would have never married.
Find out more about his past, how long has he been drinking, have there been any DUI's, has he had any legal problems due to alcohol.
Like others are saying, if you are concerned this early in your relationship, please take the time to keep reading and considering what you want from your life before you get in too deep.
Others have their opinions based on what they have been through, and most would tell you to run and don't look back, but the choice is always yours.
It's much easier to walk away after two months than it is after 14 years.
One would have thought that within 2 months I would have seen red flags. Sure he drank a bit, but we had alot in common, he can be very loving, he is a very nice person, most everyone likes him, he is smart, he works, has a great job and does help around the house. But 5 years into being married the drinking a bit, turned into drinking ALOT and all the problems you see posted by others began happening.
He has never been physically violent but has said and done many hurtful things that have left scars that can't be seen but are just as bad as the scars from physical voilence. Unfortunately it wasn't until then that I found out that he had periodic bouts with excessive drinking before we had started dating. He had been able to put himself in check in prior years and then he couldn't anymore, this time the disease had control of him.
Before dating my AH I came out of a bad relationship (not alcohol related). What I really wanted was someone kind, responsibile, loving etc. and I found this and more in my AH in the beginning. But had I really known the truth about alcoholism or known what was coming down the road I am certain we would have never married.
Find out more about his past, how long has he been drinking, have there been any DUI's, has he had any legal problems due to alcohol.
Like others are saying, if you are concerned this early in your relationship, please take the time to keep reading and considering what you want from your life before you get in too deep.
Others have their opinions based on what they have been through, and most would tell you to run and don't look back, but the choice is always yours.
It's much easier to walk away after two months than it is after 14 years.
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