Heartbroken
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 13
Heartbroken
Hello, I am on this site for the first time. My husband and I, both 28, have been together for 9 years. In almost every aspect, we have a very strong, honest, loving relationship. Our friends tell us they think of us as the "benchmark" for a good marriage.
Almost exactly one year ago, I found out he had been habitually getting (very) drunk secretly at work a few times a week, driving home, and then finding various ways to cover it up. Once it all came out in the open, he embraced AA. He has been going to meetings religiously twice a week, actively communicates with his sponsor, he's even a GSR for his home group. Next week was going to be his one year sobriety mark. Today, I got home from work and found him wasted. He had gone into a store on his lunch break and stolen liquor, drank it secretly all afternoon, drove home, and then told me he had a migraine when I got home from work. Being that I now know the difference between "I have a migraine" and "I drank", I eventually was able to force him to admit to me what had happened.
This is breaking my heart. We had all of these plans for our life that counted on his continued sobriety - things were all SO good; better than they had ever been. I feel like everything hinged on him working the program. I just feel numb now; like I'm watching a movie about someone else's life falling apart. I know he will wake up tomorrow and be more dedicated than ever to working the program, but I can't help but wonder.. how long can I go through having to rebuild this broken trust and worry constantly that I'm being lied to, or that he's going to kill himself driving home drunk? I have never considered myself a victim and it is hard for me to think of letting myself feel this kind of pain over and over for the rest of my life. But the thought of being without this man is equally painful. He is a great husband, loves me and treats me well, and wants nothing more than for me to be happy.
Part of me feels stupid even posting this because I know there are so many family members out there who's situations seem so much worse or more scary than this - but to me it's the scariest thing I can imagine. Like a nightmare coming true, once a year, and breaking me down.
Almost exactly one year ago, I found out he had been habitually getting (very) drunk secretly at work a few times a week, driving home, and then finding various ways to cover it up. Once it all came out in the open, he embraced AA. He has been going to meetings religiously twice a week, actively communicates with his sponsor, he's even a GSR for his home group. Next week was going to be his one year sobriety mark. Today, I got home from work and found him wasted. He had gone into a store on his lunch break and stolen liquor, drank it secretly all afternoon, drove home, and then told me he had a migraine when I got home from work. Being that I now know the difference between "I have a migraine" and "I drank", I eventually was able to force him to admit to me what had happened.
This is breaking my heart. We had all of these plans for our life that counted on his continued sobriety - things were all SO good; better than they had ever been. I feel like everything hinged on him working the program. I just feel numb now; like I'm watching a movie about someone else's life falling apart. I know he will wake up tomorrow and be more dedicated than ever to working the program, but I can't help but wonder.. how long can I go through having to rebuild this broken trust and worry constantly that I'm being lied to, or that he's going to kill himself driving home drunk? I have never considered myself a victim and it is hard for me to think of letting myself feel this kind of pain over and over for the rest of my life. But the thought of being without this man is equally painful. He is a great husband, loves me and treats me well, and wants nothing more than for me to be happy.
Part of me feels stupid even posting this because I know there are so many family members out there who's situations seem so much worse or more scary than this - but to me it's the scariest thing I can imagine. Like a nightmare coming true, once a year, and breaking me down.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
I'm sorry for your pain, rls. It is defined as a "chronic, relapsing disease" by the AMA, and not all recovering alcoholics relapse, but relapse is a potential event throughout the alcoholic's life.
I think spouses who live with recovering alcoholics do well if they have a well-thought-out strategy ahead of time for the potential relapse. Working with a veteran Al-Anon sponsor or a counselor can help the spouse make her "relapse plan" concrete, on paper, so if there is a relapse, she doesn't fall down a well. She gets right to work. She puts the plan, whatever that is--made when her head was clearer--into action.
This is very very painful for both you and your husband. He can get his program working again, the first three years are very hard, and he can continue his recovery with the same effort he put in this past year.
How about your own work? Do you have a support system there to work on your codependency? You are the co-addict. The other person affected by the disease.
You will always have much work of your own to do, as the spouse of the alcoholic. Your marriage will always be different from "normal" relationships.But this challenge and the potential for personal growth could be your path. Only you will know.
For now, I hope you will allow him the opportunity to face his disease, and work his program. It requires his full focus. Your marriage, for now, will have to be a lesser priority. When men go to war, that is always the reality. And his alcoholism is a life or death matter.
Have you found a counselor or an Al-Anon group?
I think spouses who live with recovering alcoholics do well if they have a well-thought-out strategy ahead of time for the potential relapse. Working with a veteran Al-Anon sponsor or a counselor can help the spouse make her "relapse plan" concrete, on paper, so if there is a relapse, she doesn't fall down a well. She gets right to work. She puts the plan, whatever that is--made when her head was clearer--into action.
This is very very painful for both you and your husband. He can get his program working again, the first three years are very hard, and he can continue his recovery with the same effort he put in this past year.
How about your own work? Do you have a support system there to work on your codependency? You are the co-addict. The other person affected by the disease.
You will always have much work of your own to do, as the spouse of the alcoholic. Your marriage will always be different from "normal" relationships.But this challenge and the potential for personal growth could be your path. Only you will know.
For now, I hope you will allow him the opportunity to face his disease, and work his program. It requires his full focus. Your marriage, for now, will have to be a lesser priority. When men go to war, that is always the reality. And his alcoholism is a life or death matter.
Have you found a counselor or an Al-Anon group?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 148
I think EnglishGarden makes a great suggestion: have an emergency plan in the future.
I SO wish I had done this before relapse!
In case we lose a job - we have savings.
In case a hurricane heads our way - we have an evacuation route.
In case the baby delivers tonight - we pack clothes ready to go.
In case we lose a Chapstick - we have 4 spares hidden around our house!
Why not have a relapse plan?
Of course, this is not going to take away from the immense pain you are feeling right now.
I've been there.
I wasn't feeling pain...I was feeling RAGE.
He *knew* what was at stake...and did it anyway!!!
We are currently in "no contact" (which seems to be just as rough!) but should we ever have a future...there WILL be a relapse plan of action.
Maybe one of us will temporarily live somewhere else?
Maybe we immediately make 3 meetings a week...5.
Maybe its in-patient treatment.
Who knows. But I KNOW that we will BOTH have to agree to the terms and I will be involving our families in the process so they can be supportive to us both, in the event of a relapse.
I SO wish I had done this before relapse!
In case we lose a job - we have savings.
In case a hurricane heads our way - we have an evacuation route.
In case the baby delivers tonight - we pack clothes ready to go.
In case we lose a Chapstick - we have 4 spares hidden around our house!
Why not have a relapse plan?
Of course, this is not going to take away from the immense pain you are feeling right now.
I've been there.
I wasn't feeling pain...I was feeling RAGE.
He *knew* what was at stake...and did it anyway!!!
We are currently in "no contact" (which seems to be just as rough!) but should we ever have a future...there WILL be a relapse plan of action.
Maybe one of us will temporarily live somewhere else?
Maybe we immediately make 3 meetings a week...5.
Maybe its in-patient treatment.
Who knows. But I KNOW that we will BOTH have to agree to the terms and I will be involving our families in the process so they can be supportive to us both, in the event of a relapse.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hello rls, Welcome!
I'm glad you found us even though I'm so very sorry for the reason. There is a lot of wisdom here from the combined experience of thousands of people who have been through just what you are now. Take some time and read all you can.
If it were me, perhaps hoping for the best but planning for the worst would be a good idea. Things like making sure you have your own emergency fund set aside in case your husband blows through a significant amount of money during a relapse.
Perhaps my biggest concern would be if he hits and injures or kills someone else while driving home....is his vehicle in his name only, or is your name on the title as well? If your name is on the title, I would do all I could to remove it so that I would not be liable. Also, if I knew he were driving drunk when it was occurring, I would call the police and report him.
I hope that you are seeking out face-to-face support for yourself through friends or perhaps Al-Anon meetings. You are welcome to come here and vent any time you feel the need!
Welcome, again! We do understand!!
I'm glad you found us even though I'm so very sorry for the reason. There is a lot of wisdom here from the combined experience of thousands of people who have been through just what you are now. Take some time and read all you can.
If it were me, perhaps hoping for the best but planning for the worst would be a good idea. Things like making sure you have your own emergency fund set aside in case your husband blows through a significant amount of money during a relapse.
Perhaps my biggest concern would be if he hits and injures or kills someone else while driving home....is his vehicle in his name only, or is your name on the title as well? If your name is on the title, I would do all I could to remove it so that I would not be liable. Also, if I knew he were driving drunk when it was occurring, I would call the police and report him.
I hope that you are seeking out face-to-face support for yourself through friends or perhaps Al-Anon meetings. You are welcome to come here and vent any time you feel the need!
Welcome, again! We do understand!!
Lord Have Mercy
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Upper Midwest
Posts: 242
Hi rls - I just wanted to say PLEASE don't feel stupid for posting.
You love someone who has a problem with alcohol which means you have a home here at SR alongside a lot of people who have been through exactly the same feelings: worrying about a loved one getting into a car accident; the shocked and sickening feeling of discovering a relapse; the uncertainty about the future.
If he wakes up and gets back on track, perhaps you can dodge the bullet. That is what you can pray for right now. One day at a time.
My thoughts are with you tonight.
You love someone who has a problem with alcohol which means you have a home here at SR alongside a lot of people who have been through exactly the same feelings: worrying about a loved one getting into a car accident; the shocked and sickening feeling of discovering a relapse; the uncertainty about the future.
If he wakes up and gets back on track, perhaps you can dodge the bullet. That is what you can pray for right now. One day at a time.
My thoughts are with you tonight.
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 13
Hello again,
I realized today that I never thanked you all for your kind and helpful responses. So, thank you! I also would like to provide an update. Going back and reading my post is giving me some perspective.
I really took your responses to heart back in May, and after the dust settled from that relapse we sat down and talked. I laid out my plan, and made the boundary clear to him. The lying, stealing, and driving drunk (which I am more affected by than even the drinking itself) are unacceptable, and if/when it happens again, we will no longer be living under the same roof. I didn't go any further or put any labels on it ("separated", "divorced", "married", "not married", etc.). I didn't feel like I could define it any further than just "we won't be living in the same place". I felt like I made this decision in a calm and collected state of mind, and hoped that when the time came I could stand by it. Of course the thought didn't make him jump for joy, but he said he understood where I'm coming from and didn't argue.
My husband made a half-hearted attempt at getting back into recovery which resulted in another relapse last week. Only this time, he actually drove to his AA meeting and drank in the parking lot (so I could see that his "dot" on my iphone map was in the right place). Sigh..
Victory #1, for the first time, as soon as I ascertained he was intoxicated, I said "I'm done talking to you. Just tell me which bedroom you're going to pass out in so I can go to the other one." No more lies, no crying, no apologizing. It's all meaningless when he's in that state anyway.
The next day, I got up and went for a long walk instead of talking to him, which I needed to do because I had to go to work and be able to function, and a super emotional conversation at 6am just doesn't set me up for a good day. By the time I got home that evening, he had applied for an apartment, gotten his own bank account and started packing up his stuff. He's been completely out of the house for about 5 days now and we have had very little contact (only a couple of emails which were necessary and pertained to some logistical things).
I posted on another thread my confusion about separation, so I won't go into that here... I'm working it out slowly... but I just wanted to say thank you for your advice, I think it is the reason that my husband and I are both pointed in a good direction now instead of just doing more of the same. Hopefully this separation 1) Gives him the environment he needs to focus on his program, 2) Gives me a chance to step back and learn how to not try to control his drinking, and 3) Helps remind him what's at stake so that he can do what he needs to do, come home, and we can start learning how to be together in recovery.
I realized today that I never thanked you all for your kind and helpful responses. So, thank you! I also would like to provide an update. Going back and reading my post is giving me some perspective.
I really took your responses to heart back in May, and after the dust settled from that relapse we sat down and talked. I laid out my plan, and made the boundary clear to him. The lying, stealing, and driving drunk (which I am more affected by than even the drinking itself) are unacceptable, and if/when it happens again, we will no longer be living under the same roof. I didn't go any further or put any labels on it ("separated", "divorced", "married", "not married", etc.). I didn't feel like I could define it any further than just "we won't be living in the same place". I felt like I made this decision in a calm and collected state of mind, and hoped that when the time came I could stand by it. Of course the thought didn't make him jump for joy, but he said he understood where I'm coming from and didn't argue.
My husband made a half-hearted attempt at getting back into recovery which resulted in another relapse last week. Only this time, he actually drove to his AA meeting and drank in the parking lot (so I could see that his "dot" on my iphone map was in the right place). Sigh..
Victory #1, for the first time, as soon as I ascertained he was intoxicated, I said "I'm done talking to you. Just tell me which bedroom you're going to pass out in so I can go to the other one." No more lies, no crying, no apologizing. It's all meaningless when he's in that state anyway.
The next day, I got up and went for a long walk instead of talking to him, which I needed to do because I had to go to work and be able to function, and a super emotional conversation at 6am just doesn't set me up for a good day. By the time I got home that evening, he had applied for an apartment, gotten his own bank account and started packing up his stuff. He's been completely out of the house for about 5 days now and we have had very little contact (only a couple of emails which were necessary and pertained to some logistical things).
I posted on another thread my confusion about separation, so I won't go into that here... I'm working it out slowly... but I just wanted to say thank you for your advice, I think it is the reason that my husband and I are both pointed in a good direction now instead of just doing more of the same. Hopefully this separation 1) Gives him the environment he needs to focus on his program, 2) Gives me a chance to step back and learn how to not try to control his drinking, and 3) Helps remind him what's at stake so that he can do what he needs to do, come home, and we can start learning how to be together in recovery.
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