Ah gone 5 months now ...so what am I doing wrong??
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Ireland
Posts: 222
Ah gone 5 months now ...so what am I doing wrong??
I hear you talking about "the peace " that you have found since leaving your A's and in the beginning I guess I did.
Now everything is a constant worry - I feel such a failure - AH always seems to have some sort of a "crisis" and because of the boys he will always be in my life ....so no contact is not an option.
I have 2 boys - aged 6 and 9 and it is HARD work minding them 24/7. AH only spends time with them when I am at work - about 4 hours in the week. He doesn't give me any maintenance and I struggle from week to week financially. I am always striving to keep things "normal" for the boys sake, but I am angry, resentful and constanly tired. I go to alanon and read the literature and books I got there....I pray a lot for patience, tolerance and calm but so far it only comes in short bursts.
I long for the day that I wake up feeling rested and have only me and the boys to worry about.
Being a mother 24/7 has left me frazzled - being a parent is the hardest job in the world...am just hoping it will get easier, one day
Now everything is a constant worry - I feel such a failure - AH always seems to have some sort of a "crisis" and because of the boys he will always be in my life ....so no contact is not an option.
I have 2 boys - aged 6 and 9 and it is HARD work minding them 24/7. AH only spends time with them when I am at work - about 4 hours in the week. He doesn't give me any maintenance and I struggle from week to week financially. I am always striving to keep things "normal" for the boys sake, but I am angry, resentful and constanly tired. I go to alanon and read the literature and books I got there....I pray a lot for patience, tolerance and calm but so far it only comes in short bursts.
I long for the day that I wake up feeling rested and have only me and the boys to worry about.
Being a mother 24/7 has left me frazzled - being a parent is the hardest job in the world...am just hoping it will get easier, one day
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
I sent a request to the mods to remove one thread and leave the other.
And yes, being a parent is the hardest job in the world. And the most rewarding.
Try a gratitude list for when you are really frazzled. When I get to boiling point, I like to go walk my dogs in the quiet woods and throw stuff. Rocks, sticks, etc. Then I come home and go over all the things I am grateful for:
Bills are paid
Kids are healthy and safe
I am healthy and safe
I have a job that provides steady income
My car runs well
and so on...
Helps to keep me focused on what is working in my life, not what isn't or is missing. Give it a try! ; )
And yes, being a parent is the hardest job in the world. And the most rewarding.
Try a gratitude list for when you are really frazzled. When I get to boiling point, I like to go walk my dogs in the quiet woods and throw stuff. Rocks, sticks, etc. Then I come home and go over all the things I am grateful for:
Bills are paid
Kids are healthy and safe
I am healthy and safe
I have a job that provides steady income
My car runs well
and so on...
Helps to keep me focused on what is working in my life, not what isn't or is missing. Give it a try! ; )
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
I'm sorry you are feeling frazzled and frustrated.
When your AH has a crisis, why do you learn about his latest tragedy? Are you still his go-to-person when he needs someone to talk to about life with?
That was one of the hardest things to let go of when I separated from my AH. We had been together 14 years. I shared everything about my day with him, and he often shared about his. It was our normal. It was what we were both comfortable with doing.
Not sharing my day with him was awkward. Not listening to his stories of how his day was going was hard to put a stop to also.
When we had to talk on the phone about finances or children, I acted as if I was having a business conversation with another professional. (Like you are discussing matters with the bank president). If he went off on personal stuff, I had to get off the phone.
If your AH is sending "woe is me texts or emails", you don't have to reply or read them. You can remove yourself as his buddy and begin to take on the primary caregiver to your boys role. If it is not about the boys, it is none of your business.
Is there a reason you are not getting support from your AH?
Have you seen a lawyer about getting support established?
When your AH has a crisis, why do you learn about his latest tragedy? Are you still his go-to-person when he needs someone to talk to about life with?
That was one of the hardest things to let go of when I separated from my AH. We had been together 14 years. I shared everything about my day with him, and he often shared about his. It was our normal. It was what we were both comfortable with doing.
Not sharing my day with him was awkward. Not listening to his stories of how his day was going was hard to put a stop to also.
When we had to talk on the phone about finances or children, I acted as if I was having a business conversation with another professional. (Like you are discussing matters with the bank president). If he went off on personal stuff, I had to get off the phone.
If your AH is sending "woe is me texts or emails", you don't have to reply or read them. You can remove yourself as his buddy and begin to take on the primary caregiver to your boys role. If it is not about the boys, it is none of your business.
Is there a reason you are not getting support from your AH?
Have you seen a lawyer about getting support established?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Ireland
Posts: 222
Pelican - yes he is sending "woe is me texts" and also " I can't live like this and wish I was dead" - thats hard to listen to even though I know he is quacking. I guess the guilt of making him leave makes me feel sory for him.
He has no money...spends it on drink - thats why I get nothing. I do get something every now and then but NEVER the amount he agreed to pay each week. I haven't gotten anyything for 6 weeks now.
I am in the process of getting a seperation agreement done with my solicitor..but that costs money so am putting some by for that each week.
I will have to keep the conversations to the mimimum and only about the boys of finances - anything else is not my problem.
I NEED TO BE STRONG and for that, I pray to my HP
He has no money...spends it on drink - thats why I get nothing. I do get something every now and then but NEVER the amount he agreed to pay each week. I haven't gotten anyything for 6 weeks now.
I am in the process of getting a seperation agreement done with my solicitor..but that costs money so am putting some by for that each week.
I will have to keep the conversations to the mimimum and only about the boys of finances - anything else is not my problem.
I NEED TO BE STRONG and for that, I pray to my HP
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: California
Posts: 693
Milly, the first 6 months of my separation were a living hell. Yes, there was peace but there was also intense anxiety, grief, feeling like a marriage failure, all that.
The second 6 months were also very bad, but slowly things got a little easier. Now I'm at the 12 month mark and it's getting easier. We have four kids, so I see my AH a lot. Sometimes I have to just keep reminding myself that I'm not exposing them to the craziness of living with a drunk, and that's what keeps me going.
Hang in there. It WILL get easier over time. One thing I did besides Al Anon was to get into therapy with a counselor who specializes in addiction and codependence. It has been super helpful. Hang in there, you are a good mama.
The second 6 months were also very bad, but slowly things got a little easier. Now I'm at the 12 month mark and it's getting easier. We have four kids, so I see my AH a lot. Sometimes I have to just keep reminding myself that I'm not exposing them to the craziness of living with a drunk, and that's what keeps me going.
Hang in there. It WILL get easier over time. One thing I did besides Al Anon was to get into therapy with a counselor who specializes in addiction and codependence. It has been super helpful. Hang in there, you are a good mama.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 433
It sounds like your contact with him is creating constant and ongoing stress for you. This is not healthy and is not allowing you to move on. Your contact with him needs to be, he picks the kids up, he drops them off. As I say about my XA, "he is not your problem anymore". I refuse to talk to my ex on the phone, even though he wants to--and we don't have kids together and were never married! We don't have a darn thing to talk about, IMO, even though I know he wants a sympathetic ear. I'm not his friend anymore; I refuse to have any personal contact with him.
Is there a chance you might be depressed? Have you considered seeing your doctor for an assessment? I would do that. You might need medication to help re-set your brain chemistry after all the stress you've been through. Are you getting regular exercise?
Do you have family that can take the kids once a week so you can do something alone? Do you have good boundaries with your kids so they are age-appropriate independent and do chores to help you out? Single parenthood is hard, I speak from experience. Can you hire help with the yardwork/housework? Plan the easiest meals possible that are still pretty healthy? Do you have "quiet time" at night when the kids have to be in their rooms reading or playing at a certain time for a while before bed so you can start to unwind? Single parenthood is all about priortizing. Hang in there, it gets a lot easier when they hit 11/12/13.
By 13, they'll pretend they don't know you, lol!
Is there a chance you might be depressed? Have you considered seeing your doctor for an assessment? I would do that. You might need medication to help re-set your brain chemistry after all the stress you've been through. Are you getting regular exercise?
Do you have family that can take the kids once a week so you can do something alone? Do you have good boundaries with your kids so they are age-appropriate independent and do chores to help you out? Single parenthood is hard, I speak from experience. Can you hire help with the yardwork/housework? Plan the easiest meals possible that are still pretty healthy? Do you have "quiet time" at night when the kids have to be in their rooms reading or playing at a certain time for a while before bed so you can start to unwind? Single parenthood is all about priortizing. Hang in there, it gets a lot easier when they hit 11/12/13.
By 13, they'll pretend they don't know you, lol!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Ireland
Posts: 222
Changes...Don't think I am depressed - I don't have time !! ha ha
I have good family and friends close by who know the whole story and help out...but I am afraid if I make use of them too much, they will get fed up with me.. KWIM?
I do get to have an hour to myself every now and then and when the boys are at school, i excercise...i walk and do aqua aerobics.
The only place i can really be myself is at work - i do 10.5 hrs a week...the people there don't know much about me - I have been working there for just a year - its good to be myself and not the "wife of the alcoholic"
I need to have some boundries with regard to "chit chat" with the AH though - I totally know that....one day at a time !!!
I have good family and friends close by who know the whole story and help out...but I am afraid if I make use of them too much, they will get fed up with me.. KWIM?
I do get to have an hour to myself every now and then and when the boys are at school, i excercise...i walk and do aqua aerobics.
The only place i can really be myself is at work - i do 10.5 hrs a week...the people there don't know much about me - I have been working there for just a year - its good to be myself and not the "wife of the alcoholic"
I need to have some boundries with regard to "chit chat" with the AH though - I totally know that....one day at a time !!!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Many of us come here exhausted and depressed. There is such a thing as situational depression that often stems from acute stress. Don't hesitate to talk to your health care provider about any symptoms you may have. It took me a year, but I am so glad I finally did!
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