Why's he so nice all of a sudden?
 

So my AH's dad died last week and he had to go back for the funeral, across the country. I chose to go with him and take our son, too. I felt it was the right thing to do. AH is supposedly on a license suspension but he was able to rent a car and he drove around the whole time we were there and I chose to keep my serenity by not bothering to bring it up.

He has been wonderful since this whole process started a week or so ago. He was touchy feely at the funeral, supportive, very communicative, etc. It was like he was a different person than he had been for weeks. I don't know what to make of it and I'm afraid to let my guard down. I still don't trust him, he still has his hidden emergency stash of alcohol hiding in the closet, he will still be sentenced next week for his DUI, and I'm sure there's more coming down the pike in the future. I guess I just feel like I live with Jekyl and Hyde. He made a point of actually thanking me very profusely for actually coming to the east coast and he expressed sincere gratitude. I think he was also grateful that I didn't tell his crazy family about his DUI or suspended license. There were a few sibling altercations while I was there with both his brother and sister, but I just watched as an outsider and didn't get involved. His family definitely looks at him as the youngest child screw up and they bring up his iniquities from the past over and over, it's no wonder my AH hates to have his faults brought to attention. His family has made a career out of it! UGH! Anyway, I really don't know what to make of it all but I guess I can enjoy the peace we had and I can hope that it will last for a while longer, of course there are no guarantees!

No, there are no guarantees...enjoy it!

And good job just flowing with it all - that takes a lot of patience and tolerance. Well done!

Enjoy it while it lasts.
Sounds like you did great at minding your own business - not easy given the circumstances - good for you.

M.

Hi Liz,
My first thought was, He is after getting a release from the death.
It is over. The father is dead.
What was his childhood like?
What really went on with this father of his?

Secondly, as childish as it sounds, the trip gave him the freedom to act like everything was normal. Driving around with his wife and kid, away from all the crap.
He probably really, really, really does appreciate you going with him.
There may actually be a change here. You never know what that change can come from, realizing that his own family are more relevant and important than his family of origin.

I will say one thing though, the biggest enabling behaviour I have a problem with is the fact that you were willing to go in the car with him. What insurance etc would cover you if you crashed? You also are responsible for your son. Bad. That is illegal.

Sometimes, a bad decision can have a positive outcome. A true case of "the end justifying the means".
I hope there has been a "lightbulb moment" for your husband. That would be nice.
Continue or start Alanon, regardless.

I know, Hollyanne, and I understand your point about the driving around with him. I honestly felt that I had to pick my battles. I didn't make any comments, I just prayed that God would protect us. I have been going to Al Anon for a few months now and I love my meetings!

He is playing lets pretend in front of his family and you supported the show.

Riding around with him on a suspended license with a minior child in the car is irresponsible at best.

Hopefully, he will give you a few more days of peace!

Hi, I am so happy to hear you love your meetings. Going to alanon has been life changing for me. It is an amazing program. As far as the "sudden niceness", what I have experienced is enjoy it while it lasts. Keep doing what your doing focusing on you, choosing your battles etc.... who really knows why he is doing what he is doing he may not even be able to identify why he is. The only suggestion I would have is be very mindful of expectations. For me that's what kept me and hooks me into dissappoinment. Also the serinty prayer is another tool I use over and over to keep my head clear and helps me keep the right focus. I really have to keep myself grounded and let it begin with me and not give up hope for my ex but not get to hopeful when I see the acts of kindness. I too want to question what is he up to? Manipulation and using people are what addicts do well. I have to remember this always as he is still using. I have to find a balance of accepting what is and what could be. That is a hard balancing act for me. I pray for you and your family. I encourage you to keep working the steps in your program and attending as many meetings as you can. God bless you and your family.

Yes, I get that and if it had been some other occasion other than his dad's funeral I might not have played along so nicely. He's back home now and seems the way he was when we were back east. I am enjoying every minute of it and I am extremely cheerful, despite being exhausted, LOL.

I'm just wondering how long he'll keep it up. He's been waiting for his dad to die for quite some time. His dad was 89 when he died and he suffered from dementia and had been in a care facility for about 18 months. AH never really had a great relationship with his dad but had made peace with him a few years ago. Both his parents were alcoholics yet he sees his mother as the main problem in their marriage and he puts his dad on a pedestal. His mother was the angry violent drunk, while his dad was the passive drunk who just sat in his chair. He had a VERY difficult childhood and he,himself, was abusing alcohol by the time he was 14.

Maybe I`m bossy...if my husband had ideas of driving a rental car with a suspended licence, I would remind him that it`s illegal for him to drive and the driver would be me. Then I would begin wondering if I had a future with a man who is clearly delusional and or has no respect for the law, is entitled and incapable of accepting responsibility for his poor decisions and actions.

Well, I did tell him this and he did offer for me to drive when I got there. Yet, I also know I wasn't the one who rented the car and I wanted him to take the responsibility for his crime, if he were to get pulled over. We still don't know that his license was actually suspended yet because he hasn't gotten the notice from the DMV and he called his lawyer the day before he left and the lawyer told him it would OK since they hadn't had the DMV hearing anyway at this point. Basically, my AH picked his suspension time and they notified the DMV of this choice but the whole process wasn't completed yet so his lawyer told him to go ahead and rent the car.

Unfortunately, I have no say when it comes to anything regarding this 'lawyer'. This is the lawyer that my AH says has told him that he can buy a beater car and put the ignition interlock device in it and then drive his real car around on the IID suspension. He laid into me the day before he left about how I've been wrong 3 times in regards to the 'law' and the DUI and that he's just going to listen to his lawyer. So, anything I say just goes in one ear and out the other at this point. He only hears what his lawyer tells him and I'm actually wondering how much of that is made up by my AH anyway at this point. I'd love to call this lawyer and figure out what the heck he's really telling my AH, but technically it's not my business.

Oh, ok, I wasn't paying attention. He hasn't been sentenced yet, so his licence hasn't been officially pulled as yet. As far as your husbands Lawyer goes, unless he is Danny DeVito in The Rainmaker, I'm not sure if I would believe what hubby is quoting. Just saying....

Oh, I totally get that! I mean, seriously, what lawyer would tell his client: If you gotta drive to make a living, then you gotta do it.

Umm, yeah buddy, and then you can get disbarred. Also, according to AH his lawyer is telling him that the penalties for driving on a suspended license are a slap on the wrist and that they can't prove that you know, etc. Well, what my AH doesn't consider is that he'd have to hire his lawyer again to help him prove that he didn't know. All the lawyer sees is, Cha Ching, a new case he can make money on. And, if my AH is that blind that he can't see it then he really is in deep denial about this DUI and all that can go along with it. Heaven forbid if he were to listen to me or do some research on his own.

His court sentencing is next Wednesday. I'm still curious as to how this damn licensed suspension is supposed to work. Now that he's home he says he's not going to drive. Well, which one is it? ARRGGHHH!

I don't understand why you seem to express anger towards his lawyer. He is paying him big bucks. He is just doing his job. Defense lawyers make a living at finding "loopholes" in the criminal justice system. His lawyer seems quite good at that. The fact that your husband still has his alcohol "stash" kinda shows he isn't ready to stop. The chance that a person who gets their first DUI will get another one eventually is very high. Normal people learn from consequences, alcoholics do not. Alcoholics almost always have "another bottom" in them.

In my state the suspension occurs on the spot at the time the DUI occurs. Then later the court date hands out the terms. After the mandatory suspension time and when everything else is fulfilled, the person can apply for driving privileges according to the terms. Whether they apply right then or avoid it until years down the road, if and when a license is issued to them it has to be according the terms, and the license is prominently stamped with big red letters saying "INTERLOCK DEVICE" for the duration of mandatory time and terms. They can not obtain a license in any other state without complying with the terms and conditions.

Any vehicle they operate has to have the device. The consequences are steep for them when they are pulled over driving without a license, or driving a vehicle without a device in it. If they also happen to be under the influence while driving on a suspended license or if they have a child under 15 in the vehicle with them, they go to prison for up to 2 years for aggravated DUI. Attorneys can not save them from the mandatory terms.

In my experience it's not uncommon for the offenders to tell such wild "the-attorney-says" tales to their less informed SO's or families. There's only one reason they can't function driving a vehicle with a device, and that's because they know they are still going to drink and drive and hope to avoid the consequences of their actions, which is fairly typical M.O. for them.

Yes, he will have to have the interlock stamped license, but his lawyer already had him order a replacement facially valid license from the DMV 2 months ago. He can still carry that license around. Now, if he gets pulled over and someone runs his license they will see the interlock requirement.

And, I do agree that he is probably full of BS. I figured that if his lawyer is telling him ways to circumvent the law, then that's fine even though it makes me mad that they are so crooked to begin with. Hey, the lawyer isn't the one who has to do jail time, he's not the one who has to use the interlock device, so what does he care?

I also agree that he probably hasn't hit his bottom. Maybe I'm wrong but anyone who keeps alcohol hidden after getting a DUI has a serious problem. I guess he's saving it for that rainy day. And, he seems to think that I'm the one creating problems for us in the marriage. I guess I'm just supposed to forgive and forget and drive him around everywhere, right?

Right now, I'm trying to look on the bright side. He's being pleasant, he's not drinking as far as I know, and I am loving my OWN life right now! YAY!

What license did the "replacement" license replace?

I agree about enjoying it while you can. I also agree that his actions are making it quite clear that he is not done drinking.

So, rather than waste a bunch of time and energy fretting about what his lawyer is telling him, what he's doing or going to do, I would suggest preparing for the possible and likely outcomes. He will do whatever he's going to do, which appears to be skirting the law, finding ways around consequences, risking steeper penalties, and drinking. (Nobody serious about quitting keeps a stash....)

If I were you, I would make sure I had a separate bank account that he doesn't have access to, start stashing money in there with a goal of at least one month's living expenses, plus enough to put a deposit down on a place to live, get an auto insurance policy that is separate from his if you have your own car, and stop riding with him. I would also consult with an attorney just to find out where I stand in terms of custody, child support, spousal support, etc. so if it comes to that, you are armed with knowledge.

It's not a question of if he will drink again, it's just a question of when.

L

liz, I just saw a MSNBC prison show that featured that tough Sheriff Joe & his tent city. That seems like a really tough place to do time. Men wear pink underwear & have to eat green bologni sandwiches! I believe many people here do not realize how often people continue to drive after being suspended. I mean what can the Department of Motor Vehicles do to a person after they already take the right to drive a vehicle? I'm not saying it's okay to do but just pointing out the reality.

The one that the cops took from him the night of the DUI. It's the first thing his lawyer had him do, order a duplicate copy of his license from the DMV.

I honestly believe I am living in denial in regards to him drinking again. I keep thinking: would he really be that stupid? Of course, I know the answer to that question but I find it hard to wrap my mind around.

He brought me flowers today, 2 dozen roses. It's my birthday in a few days and of course Mother's Day on Sunday. And, the first thing I had on my mind was 'how did you get these flowers'? His answer was, "Hey, if I have to break the law to show my love for you, then that's what I have to do." UGH!

I just said thanks for the flowers, they're lovely. And, now he's already moping around since I wasn't overjoyed at the fact that he 'broke the law for our love', LOL. Seriously, what does he expect? A freakin' parade?