question
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: ky
Posts: 6
question
What is it about being alone that makes you want to go back with someone who you know has not changed? I hate where I am now. We have been apart only 3 months and I miss him like crazy. I know it would be the same crap, but I hate how I feel.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Miami, FL
Posts: 87
Dlh,
I KNOW how you feel..oh do I know about lonliness. I found that I felt that I was noone unless SOMEONE showed love, affection, or some minor scrap of caring for me...why did i feel that way? NO SELF ESTEEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
this is what co-dependency does, growing up in al alcoholic family, marrying an alcoholic. I felt grateful to have someone, anyone think I was great, wonderful, pretty....why else would we put up with such abuse,,,cus we dont feel good about ourselves and thnk no one will ever love us again.
Solution: Come to believe that WE are good, smart, funny, talented, loving, kind all by ourselves. Bring up our self esteem, rely on ourself, have confidence. LOVE OURSELVES FIRST!
The only human I can count on 100% is me...let me learn to love and value me first. With gods help, and a good 12 step program, I am doing just that!
Keep coming back, and check out Al Anon,,it will help you for sure!
I KNOW how you feel..oh do I know about lonliness. I found that I felt that I was noone unless SOMEONE showed love, affection, or some minor scrap of caring for me...why did i feel that way? NO SELF ESTEEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
this is what co-dependency does, growing up in al alcoholic family, marrying an alcoholic. I felt grateful to have someone, anyone think I was great, wonderful, pretty....why else would we put up with such abuse,,,cus we dont feel good about ourselves and thnk no one will ever love us again.
Solution: Come to believe that WE are good, smart, funny, talented, loving, kind all by ourselves. Bring up our self esteem, rely on ourself, have confidence. LOVE OURSELVES FIRST!
The only human I can count on 100% is me...let me learn to love and value me first. With gods help, and a good 12 step program, I am doing just that!
Keep coming back, and check out Al Anon,,it will help you for sure!
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Citizen of the world
Posts: 74
“Angry, Hurt, and Frustrated”
And there it is in a nutshell. What other folks do to us that “makes” us feel lousy. We both think that it can be simply solved by having them act in a fashion that is more “pleasing” to us, yet rarely will we admit to their perfect right to choose how they can elect to live for themselves. And should they either move out, or be “put” out, then we’ll dive into the madness of “missing” them, thinking that we’re “detaching” at the same time.
We seem to be damned if we do and damned if we don’t, always the focal point for our misery someone or something else other than our own choices. And if Alanon is about anything, it is not only accepting the responsibility, but changing the whole premise of the way we make those decisions. It is about treating that codependency, and by really understanding that we will not do that painlessly.
It is by coming to firmly believe that the pain of a new and different method of accepting the full responsibility for ALL the conditions of our life IS vastly better than the “negotiations” to keep ourselves salved with the vestiges of what we “thought” we had, and can’t seem to “get over”, Pain none the less, that we simply don’t like , but that leaves us at least with something that we recognize, and we somehow are willing to accept that damnable comfort.
Da payoff is always what we end “feeling” about any person place or thing, and what we end up feelin’ we’d best be owning’, cause there is our “truth”. There reflected in whatever our dissatisfaction is, are our feelings of self worth, or lack thereof. If we insist on treating that by the condemnation of other folks behavior, even in the generic, we’ll remain as ‘sick’ as we are. Conversely, when we “surrender”, and simply become teachable, amazing things seem to happen, --------------------but not a moment before we finally chuck in that towel.
And there it is in a nutshell. What other folks do to us that “makes” us feel lousy. We both think that it can be simply solved by having them act in a fashion that is more “pleasing” to us, yet rarely will we admit to their perfect right to choose how they can elect to live for themselves. And should they either move out, or be “put” out, then we’ll dive into the madness of “missing” them, thinking that we’re “detaching” at the same time.
We seem to be damned if we do and damned if we don’t, always the focal point for our misery someone or something else other than our own choices. And if Alanon is about anything, it is not only accepting the responsibility, but changing the whole premise of the way we make those decisions. It is about treating that codependency, and by really understanding that we will not do that painlessly.
It is by coming to firmly believe that the pain of a new and different method of accepting the full responsibility for ALL the conditions of our life IS vastly better than the “negotiations” to keep ourselves salved with the vestiges of what we “thought” we had, and can’t seem to “get over”, Pain none the less, that we simply don’t like , but that leaves us at least with something that we recognize, and we somehow are willing to accept that damnable comfort.
Da payoff is always what we end “feeling” about any person place or thing, and what we end up feelin’ we’d best be owning’, cause there is our “truth”. There reflected in whatever our dissatisfaction is, are our feelings of self worth, or lack thereof. If we insist on treating that by the condemnation of other folks behavior, even in the generic, we’ll remain as ‘sick’ as we are. Conversely, when we “surrender”, and simply become teachable, amazing things seem to happen, --------------------but not a moment before we finally chuck in that towel.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 4,955
Whoa dlh, back up the Soul Train
You know it would be the same crap, but you hate how you feel? Why would you want to go back to the same crap? Taking him back isn't the solution. Changing how you feel is. It sounds like you have a big hole in your life where he used to be. Maybe it's time to fill up that hole with something else.
Do you like to read? Join a book club.
Do you like to dance? Take a dance class.
Do you like to sing? Join a community chorus.
Your focus sounds like it is on what you don't have. Maybe you can change your focus on what you DO have.
Personally, I think you deserve far better than "the same crap".
Peace,
Gabe
Do you like to read? Join a book club.
Do you like to dance? Take a dance class.
Do you like to sing? Join a community chorus.
Your focus sounds like it is on what you don't have. Maybe you can change your focus on what you DO have.
Personally, I think you deserve far better than "the same crap".
Peace,
Gabe
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Ditto to what Gabe said. We can't change them, but if we don't change ourselves we stay stuck in a bad place. Gabe gave some great suggestions and I agree that filling your life with good stuff will fill that void sooner than you think.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: North America
Posts: 362
First I give you a big hug! I know where you are with your thoughts. I was there, and boy talk about a hard time. You can start with one easy line I use to tell myself, I am worth more than what he is able to give me right now. if he changes and gets help.....different story, its ok to sit still feel what your feeling, it helps you to get to know yourself better. So repeat after me......I am worth more than what?? ________ _______
_______ you can fill it in...
Small steps can really help even just telling yourself something for right now is a HUGE step in the right direction.
Hang in there!
Big Hugs!
_______ you can fill it in...
Small steps can really help even just telling yourself something for right now is a HUGE step in the right direction.
Hang in there!
Big Hugs!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: ky
Posts: 6
Thanks so much for your words of wisdom. I had tried telling myself if I made it through the winter I would be ok but I really dont want to feel this way for 3 more months. I really appreciate what you all have said and I will keep coming back.
thanks dlh
thanks dlh
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Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: saskatchewan
Posts: 26
Great post!! This is something I can totally relate to!!! It is hard, no one said it would be easy (God, I wish it could be!!!) My sponsor always told me that the easier softer way doesn't worl- half measures avail us nothing (AA big book). I too know that feeling, where you think that you "miss him" so much, that you "need him" to feel whole. I have been there, done this at least 5000 times in my relationship w/ him and my 1st ex. Once I would take him back and nothing changed (including me), things just got better for a little while (a.k.a. honeymoon phase) and then WHAM!!! There we'd be- right back to the same unhealthy relationship (and usually worse). I know too that I didn't have a lot of self esteem or self worth at the time and carried a lot of fear and resentment. This time, although I miss him and hope that we can figure things out WHEN THE TIME IS RIGHT, I do know more than ever what people at meetings were talking about when they said the fear would subside, that there is a huge difference between being alone and being lonely. I also think that when we have moments like this (trust me- the thought has crossed my mind), it is sooo much better to come on here and vent (and seek help) or get help through the Alanon program and focus on working on my personal growth. So often we forget that we are important too, that our lives can be a meaningful journey if we keep picking away, which by the way, it sounds like you are heading in the right direction!!! Keep postin'!!!
-Sunflowergirl29
-Sunflowergirl29
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