NewbieJ

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Thank you SoaringSpirits - I believe you suggested this in another post of mine and I meant to quote it and thank you, but at the time I did not yet have enough posts to quote a link.

I read the article and we seem to have all three except for criticism. For whatever reason he is not critical - if anything he has a hard time communicating anything when he is not in a rage. My cooking is always great, he's actually appreciative of that, everything else too. Very rarely in the past he would criticize a dinner I made (I think it was once only) or say the house was a mess - this was during a rage, however.

But Defensiveness, Contempt and Stonewalling are alive and well for us - th first two during rages, the third most of the time. I used to get defensive during his episodes when he would say hurtful things, and list everything I did for him for example, and how good I was to him, or try to rationalize what he said. Contempt - he scoffs at me, rolls his eyes or laughs at me during his drunken episodes, in response to my defensiveness or questions of his verbal abuse.

Stonewalling - doesn't really talk to me unless it's about something trivial and then, not often. Doesn't talk work, doesn't talk about his thoughts unless it's self-pity.