Newbie needs help
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 45
Newbie needs help
So, I've been on these boards before, but not for a long time. I am definitely feeling in need of some help and I feel like I've come a long way from where I was, but not far enough... yet.
I'll try to make this as short as possible. I have a lot to be proud of in my life. I'm a masters-educated (proud of that degree, thank you very much! ha ha) professional, a great mom, great sister/daughter, loving friend, and just a pretty good person if I say so myself. Lol. My boyfriend of 7 years is an addict, his current drug of choice is opiates. He's "recovering" in a sense, in that he's not taking the illegal drugs anymore, but has focused now on taking subutex (not suboxone, but similar). I got pregnant a few years ago and now have a wonderful daughter. I struggled at that time with marrying him, because that's how I was raised: get married, have a child. Granted, I was already preg, but you get the idea. I decided not to marry him because of obvious reasons and decided to deal with the self-imposed stigma of being an unwed mother. For the last two+ years, he's been in various stages of recovery, if you want to call it that. For the last year or so, he's been seeing an addiction therapist once a week and was seeing a psychiatrist to prescribe his subutex until this week (more on this later). Even while he was getting his prescribed meds, he was still getting extra subutex from a "friend" who would give him a few extra each week. This did not go over well with me, from a recovery standpoint or a money standpoint. Anyway, he convinced the doc that he needed an increase in his script. It worked - he got what he wanted under the condition that he continue to see his addictions therapist once per week. But, he continued to get extra from his friend. Fast forward to this week: he got extra pills from his friend and unbelievably told me the truth and said he wanted me to manage his pills from this point forward since he obviously didn't have control. From time to time, he goes through his self-destructive phase that may be caused by his addiction, or maybe his past issues from childhood emerging, or possibly an undiagnosed mental illness (bipolar? borderline?), or more likely a combination of everything. Anyway, he started doing nothing but sleeping. He wasn't detoxing - he was just shutting down mentally. Missing work, etc. He missed his appt. with his therapist and therefore didn't get his script. He called the next day and demanded his script which he was told he couldn't receive until he came in for an appt. the next day, at which point he flipped the **** out. I knew that was coming and wasn't surprised when I saw the reaction. Of course, none of this was his fault. It was all the fault of the docs. He's now decided that he doesn't want to see his psych doc anymore because she's too controlling (and this is the sanitized version of what he actually said about her). So, as we speak, he's currently on his way to go buy some more pills from his "friend" to get him through. His original goal was to find a more reasonable doc (whatever) to get his script and now is saying that he plans to wean himself on these pills he's about to receive with the ultimate goal of stopping altogether within the next weeks. Once again, whatever. I know, and we all know, how this is going to turn out. He says he plans to still see his addiction therapist (but not the psychiatrist).
So, believe me, that is the brief version of the last 7 years. You probably know the whole story without me even telling you so I don't feel the need to go into more detail than that.
I'm now focusing on me and would like to start Alanon. I've got childcare issues during the actual meeting times and zero support in terms of childcare. I told him today that I planned on going to Alanon which went over about as well as you can probably suspect. I'm just not sure where to go from here in terms of him buying these pills from this guy. I was only staying with him and "supporting" him while he was at least trying to do this the legit way. Now that we're here, my natural instinct is to send him packing. But, of course, I'm faced with umpteen million fears in regard to doing that. I guess I'm just looking for some guidance in terms of how to handle this with him. I'm trying to "detach", but he keeps wanting to ask me questions about things and us and he seems to think that all will be well between us as this has "nothing to do with us". I just don't know how to address those questions. Do I answer him honestly or do I avoid the conversation. I have briefly stated that I'm not comfortable with this since we all know how it's going to end, but he just says that it's mine and others' lack of support that is making this more difficult for him. Typical addict - blaming everyone else for his problems. Now, keep in mind, I say I'm doing better because my normal and natural reaction would be to scream my head off and tell him to get out immediately. I've managed to stay calm and I think I can continue to do so, even if it means that I just walk away from him mid-conversation when I feel my emotions building. In the meantime, I'm planning activities with friends, with my daughter, getting back into focusing on me. But, where do I draw the line here? I'm trying my hardest not to enable, but I'm also trying to detach at the same time which is hard to do when it comes to managing the money that will be flowing out of the bank account at unbelievable speeds (and yes, I control the finances - which he's asking to once again have access to - and asking is a nice way to put it). He's an angry guy and I don't have fear that he'll hurt me if I cut him off but the fight will be monumental and will ultimately end with him shutting off his direct deposit and getting hard checks so that he can spend as much money as he chooses (bills be damned).
I know this is a bit of a ramble. I'm just about to lose my freaking mind and I need someone to talk to about all of this. I've only disclosed very small pieces of this with my friends due to fear... of what? I guess of them judging me for staying and reinforcing my feelings that I've been a doormat to his addiction for 7 years and counting.
I'll try to make this as short as possible. I have a lot to be proud of in my life. I'm a masters-educated (proud of that degree, thank you very much! ha ha) professional, a great mom, great sister/daughter, loving friend, and just a pretty good person if I say so myself. Lol. My boyfriend of 7 years is an addict, his current drug of choice is opiates. He's "recovering" in a sense, in that he's not taking the illegal drugs anymore, but has focused now on taking subutex (not suboxone, but similar). I got pregnant a few years ago and now have a wonderful daughter. I struggled at that time with marrying him, because that's how I was raised: get married, have a child. Granted, I was already preg, but you get the idea. I decided not to marry him because of obvious reasons and decided to deal with the self-imposed stigma of being an unwed mother. For the last two+ years, he's been in various stages of recovery, if you want to call it that. For the last year or so, he's been seeing an addiction therapist once a week and was seeing a psychiatrist to prescribe his subutex until this week (more on this later). Even while he was getting his prescribed meds, he was still getting extra subutex from a "friend" who would give him a few extra each week. This did not go over well with me, from a recovery standpoint or a money standpoint. Anyway, he convinced the doc that he needed an increase in his script. It worked - he got what he wanted under the condition that he continue to see his addictions therapist once per week. But, he continued to get extra from his friend. Fast forward to this week: he got extra pills from his friend and unbelievably told me the truth and said he wanted me to manage his pills from this point forward since he obviously didn't have control. From time to time, he goes through his self-destructive phase that may be caused by his addiction, or maybe his past issues from childhood emerging, or possibly an undiagnosed mental illness (bipolar? borderline?), or more likely a combination of everything. Anyway, he started doing nothing but sleeping. He wasn't detoxing - he was just shutting down mentally. Missing work, etc. He missed his appt. with his therapist and therefore didn't get his script. He called the next day and demanded his script which he was told he couldn't receive until he came in for an appt. the next day, at which point he flipped the **** out. I knew that was coming and wasn't surprised when I saw the reaction. Of course, none of this was his fault. It was all the fault of the docs. He's now decided that he doesn't want to see his psych doc anymore because she's too controlling (and this is the sanitized version of what he actually said about her). So, as we speak, he's currently on his way to go buy some more pills from his "friend" to get him through. His original goal was to find a more reasonable doc (whatever) to get his script and now is saying that he plans to wean himself on these pills he's about to receive with the ultimate goal of stopping altogether within the next weeks. Once again, whatever. I know, and we all know, how this is going to turn out. He says he plans to still see his addiction therapist (but not the psychiatrist).
So, believe me, that is the brief version of the last 7 years. You probably know the whole story without me even telling you so I don't feel the need to go into more detail than that.
I'm now focusing on me and would like to start Alanon. I've got childcare issues during the actual meeting times and zero support in terms of childcare. I told him today that I planned on going to Alanon which went over about as well as you can probably suspect. I'm just not sure where to go from here in terms of him buying these pills from this guy. I was only staying with him and "supporting" him while he was at least trying to do this the legit way. Now that we're here, my natural instinct is to send him packing. But, of course, I'm faced with umpteen million fears in regard to doing that. I guess I'm just looking for some guidance in terms of how to handle this with him. I'm trying to "detach", but he keeps wanting to ask me questions about things and us and he seems to think that all will be well between us as this has "nothing to do with us". I just don't know how to address those questions. Do I answer him honestly or do I avoid the conversation. I have briefly stated that I'm not comfortable with this since we all know how it's going to end, but he just says that it's mine and others' lack of support that is making this more difficult for him. Typical addict - blaming everyone else for his problems. Now, keep in mind, I say I'm doing better because my normal and natural reaction would be to scream my head off and tell him to get out immediately. I've managed to stay calm and I think I can continue to do so, even if it means that I just walk away from him mid-conversation when I feel my emotions building. In the meantime, I'm planning activities with friends, with my daughter, getting back into focusing on me. But, where do I draw the line here? I'm trying my hardest not to enable, but I'm also trying to detach at the same time which is hard to do when it comes to managing the money that will be flowing out of the bank account at unbelievable speeds (and yes, I control the finances - which he's asking to once again have access to - and asking is a nice way to put it). He's an angry guy and I don't have fear that he'll hurt me if I cut him off but the fight will be monumental and will ultimately end with him shutting off his direct deposit and getting hard checks so that he can spend as much money as he chooses (bills be damned).
I know this is a bit of a ramble. I'm just about to lose my freaking mind and I need someone to talk to about all of this. I've only disclosed very small pieces of this with my friends due to fear... of what? I guess of them judging me for staying and reinforcing my feelings that I've been a doormat to his addiction for 7 years and counting.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 45
By the way, one thing I'm having a really hard time with is acting "normal" with him. As if I wasn't upset. I know that's what's causing him to keep pressing me on the relationship stuff and want to talk about it in detail. But to act like I'm not upset just feels so fake and forced. I am upset. This is where I need help - is this where I'm supposed to "detach" and put his issues out of my mind altogether so that it's normal and natural to be "normal" with him??
Forum Leader
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: In my little piece of heaven
Posts: 2,870
Hello Learning,
Welcome to SR! I am sorry for the circumstances that brought you here, but happy that you found us.
There are many members who have similar stories who will be along shortly to share their ESH (experience, strength and hope) with you.
What helped me the most was to figure out what was mine to deal with and what was his to deal with. What my A did or didn't do, whether he went to see his doctor or not, etc - that was his to deal with. When I got out of the way and he had to deal with his own choices, consequences, etc - well, it was hard at first but ultimately better for all of us.
Keep posting, reading - there is a lot of good information on this forum and also on the Friends and Family of Substance Abusers. Check out the stickies at the top if you haven't already.
Again, welcome. I hope you find the support and encouragement you're looking for here.
Cats
Welcome to SR! I am sorry for the circumstances that brought you here, but happy that you found us.
There are many members who have similar stories who will be along shortly to share their ESH (experience, strength and hope) with you.
What helped me the most was to figure out what was mine to deal with and what was his to deal with. What my A did or didn't do, whether he went to see his doctor or not, etc - that was his to deal with. When I got out of the way and he had to deal with his own choices, consequences, etc - well, it was hard at first but ultimately better for all of us.
Keep posting, reading - there is a lot of good information on this forum and also on the Friends and Family of Substance Abusers. Check out the stickies at the top if you haven't already.
Again, welcome. I hope you find the support and encouragement you're looking for here.
Cats
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Litchfield Park, AZ
Posts: 317
You've been living with an active addict for 7 years, I lived with an active alcoholic for 15 years. I think I can relate.
Everybody drinks (or so I used to think before I realized that not everybody lives like we did), so alcoholism kind of creeps up on you. On day your life is fine, then next day things are a little off...and then one day you wake up and 5, or 10, or 15 years have passed and you''re living in misery, you're up to your neck in debt, your children are afraid to leave their kids at your house (and you can't blame them), your friends sympathize, but they don't understand, you're isolated and have no one to talk to...you get the idea.
You've heard of hitting rock bottom? Well, there is no bottom. The hole just gets deeper. Maybe he dies from his disease (it happens to alcoholics and addicts every single day). Maybe he goes to jail. Maybe you go to jail. Maybe he hurts you. Maybe he hurts your child. All things are possible. Maybe not today, but addiction is progressive...it only gets worse
You've hit a bottom right now. Not rock bottom, but a bottom, and you have a choice. You have a choice. Reach out for help, (and trust me, people are waiting to help you), or stay in the hole. I think Al-anon is a great idea, it changed my life. It won't fix your immediate problems, it won't tell you how to fix him, but it will work for you if you want it to.
When I started the journey, I knew I had problems with the alcoholic in my life. But I though I was OK, I though I was "dealing." You know? But even 6 months later, I could look back at the way my life was...and it was insane. It was crazy. I was crazy.
So you have a choice. (We always have choices, but most of the time we're so focused on the door that is closed that we fail to see the open doors all around us). Reach out. We're waiting to grab your hand.
Everybody drinks (or so I used to think before I realized that not everybody lives like we did), so alcoholism kind of creeps up on you. On day your life is fine, then next day things are a little off...and then one day you wake up and 5, or 10, or 15 years have passed and you''re living in misery, you're up to your neck in debt, your children are afraid to leave their kids at your house (and you can't blame them), your friends sympathize, but they don't understand, you're isolated and have no one to talk to...you get the idea.
You've heard of hitting rock bottom? Well, there is no bottom. The hole just gets deeper. Maybe he dies from his disease (it happens to alcoholics and addicts every single day). Maybe he goes to jail. Maybe you go to jail. Maybe he hurts you. Maybe he hurts your child. All things are possible. Maybe not today, but addiction is progressive...it only gets worse
You've hit a bottom right now. Not rock bottom, but a bottom, and you have a choice. You have a choice. Reach out for help, (and trust me, people are waiting to help you), or stay in the hole. I think Al-anon is a great idea, it changed my life. It won't fix your immediate problems, it won't tell you how to fix him, but it will work for you if you want it to.
When I started the journey, I knew I had problems with the alcoholic in my life. But I though I was OK, I though I was "dealing." You know? But even 6 months later, I could look back at the way my life was...and it was insane. It was crazy. I was crazy.
So you have a choice. (We always have choices, but most of the time we're so focused on the door that is closed that we fail to see the open doors all around us). Reach out. We're waiting to grab your hand.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 26
Sending you hugs and positive thoughts.
I wanted to suggest that one of the Alanon meetings I attend has a babysitter. Perhaps you can find a meeting like that? One night the babysitter didn't show up, and the members happily took turns watching the child so that the mom could sit at the meeting
I know this is a hard, confusing time for you. It sounds like you're doing the right things, though. My husband's issue is alcohol and anger and I don't know anything about drug addiction. But stay strong and stay SAFE!
I wanted to suggest that one of the Alanon meetings I attend has a babysitter. Perhaps you can find a meeting like that? One night the babysitter didn't show up, and the members happily took turns watching the child so that the mom could sit at the meeting
I know this is a hard, confusing time for you. It sounds like you're doing the right things, though. My husband's issue is alcohol and anger and I don't know anything about drug addiction. But stay strong and stay SAFE!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 45
Thank you all so much. You have no idea how much it means to hear your kind words. I'm sorry any of us have had this experience. Just today, I finally allowed myself to tell a close friend everything I've been going through which, in and of itself, makes me proud that I was finally able to talk about it. I also made arrangements to go to my first Alanon meeting tomorrow night! Wish me luck that this gives me the strength to get through this in a way that's best for me and my daughter!
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