pls help me to understand alcoholism!

Old 12-29-2003, 03:46 PM
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pls help me to understand alcoholism!

hello,
I am new to this, some of you may be aware that my dad is a alcoholic. He refuses to beleive he has a problem. He is very needy and dependant on me in terms of advice and emotional support, it has been so overwheleming. threw out my life (I am now 34 yrs old) we have not always spoke, But now and for awhile i must stay in contact for the welfare of my lil brother. I dont have a choice because he is a single dad, he raises my little brother. I have a problem seperating myself. He dosent work and so i get at least 8 calls a day from him, not to mention he keeps me on the phone. I am trying to recover and have a hard time recovering, i feel like he is holding me back. I dont tell him this because in the past i would blow up at him blaming him for all of his actions in the past. I have a healthy mother who was beaten by him years ago as well as a 40yr old brother beaten as well, I was not subjected to any physical abuse because mom removed me at an earlly age. Thank you mommy.
so my relationship has always been very rocky, and i knew i needed to control my temper and develop patience to show my lil brother some type of healthlyness. this has taken a lot of work. In the past my responses to him and the language - screaming and cursing that i have used has left me feeling guily, cause all in all i must live with myself. I am not an angry adult I am a wonderful girl with compassion and qualitys, and i am very sensitive. About a year ago i just showed up at my dads house and found him in a depressed state of mind, i noticed that there were no blankets and more i wont get into and the house was not in order, let me mention i have had a good life with mom and have been able to make a nice life for myself as well as save for my future and my goals. i had to give him some money it was alot of $ (he did not ask) because i have and could not live with myself or ignore how hard it is for them. I could not walk in with expensive boots/ or eat a steak for dinner knowing they will be eating noodles for dinner of franks. But at the same time i feel he is a grown man and he should teach me or give to me. I have to ungo a huge operation in the next 2 months and wanted to clear the air for my anger in the past whether or not i am right a father is a father! right and i should respect him NO MATTER WHAT and if i dont i should keep it to myself.My mom used to say "if you dont have anything nice to say dont say it and she is right.
my problem is as stated in the begining i want to recover from the guilt of making a better life for myself. I want to contunie to have patience and contunie to have respect. but at the same time i want to distance myself from all the phone calls, i cant contol myself in not answering his calls (i have caller id) i must pick it up.
I want to understand that he is no longer capable of understanding any logic, i am just tired of all his problems, listening to them over and over agian. I really have my own stuff.
I was hoping that someone can help me understand what alcohol does to a person 60 years old who has been a heavy drinker. I want to undestand what he understands and what he cant because of this disease. i know it is a disease and its okay if he wont accept it but i need to understand it in order to help me recover. If you can please share with me what ever you can to help me to understand what i am dealing with.
Please
nici
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Old 12-29-2003, 05:11 PM
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Hi! I am also new to this post. I am just returning to the program after being gone for some years, but it is very surprising what actually sticks in your head!! I actually entered into the AA program with my first husband as he has an addiction/alcohol problem and since at the time he convinced me I had a problem (I drank on weekends as a teenager and at the time I was 18), I figured I would give it a shot. I was in it for 2 years before I realized that I belonged on the other side, that I did not have a drinking problem. Since then, I do drink on occasion, but maybe 3-4 drinks about 3 times a year, and do not enjoy the out of control feeling so I don't drink more than this. Anyways, I had a sponsor who was an alcoholic as well as a spouse of a recovering alcoholic who gave me strong insight into the disease itself. It helped me by going to meetings (AA, Alanon, ACOA) to uncover how the disease has affected my life. My parents are both not alcoholics, but both of their dads were, so I grew up having a dysfunctional home without the booze (I am very grateful as did have a great childhood). Well.. I guess my point is that these are all great places to go, and that I learned about how the disease is cunning, baffling and powerful- the disease causes them to be in denial of their illness and to be selfish, self- serving, and self-centered. It takes time to figure it out- I just know that the more you listen, the greater an understanding of it as a disease will be found. I'll pray for ya, girl!!
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Old 12-30-2003, 08:17 AM
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Hi Nici,

I have a hard time subscribing to the notion that just because someone donated DNA that they have earned my respect. I refuse to tear my hair out trying to respect my dad. He was an alcoholic, womanizer and not much of a father. Now that does not mean I don't talk to him kindly and I keep in touch etc. but the only thing respect him for is getting sober. I have spent most of my life "trying to please" a person who cannot be pleased. He is much of the reason I am in the codependent world that I am.
As a result of having my feelings bashed a few too many times I don't hand out respect lightly...it has to be earned.

Now, about being responsible for your dad...that is not true. But I am sure you know that in your head...you also do not have to pick up the phone. You DO have a choice and until you get to a point where you can see that, he will continue to use and manipulate you.

My hope for you is that you get to that point. Stay here, find meetings, go to councelling...whatever your flavor. Your life can be much better than it is today. And the beauty part is that all you need is you to achieve that. Changing you changes everything!

Hugs,
JT
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Old 12-30-2003, 09:41 AM
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Hi Nici...

Suggestion. Do you feel guilty if he called and you're not home? No, right? How could you talk to him... you're not there. Okay. Next time he calls and you see his number on the ID... walk out the front door and stand there until it stops ringing. Say over and over "I'm not home. I'm not home."

The first time you don't answer when he calls will make the next time easier. If you're nervous... tell a friend the plan... get them to call you and do a dry run. I'm absolutely serious. Rehearse.

Your dad eats franks and noodles because he spends his money on alcohol. That is his choice. Me, I'm all for letting them get good and tired of franks and noodles.

Hugs!
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Old 12-30-2003, 02:23 PM
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Hey Nici,
My Dad is 60 and an alcoholic....my childhood was fine...his drinking wasn't a problem until my parents divorced. (I was 19) My Dad loves to call and talk about NOTHING!! He lives in a secluded area and has nothing to do......well he DOES live on the lake.....he COULD do something else, but he CHOOSES not to. That is what I have had to learn.....they are adults and have made their own choices....the only thing we can do is CHOOSE what we will put up with and what we won't. When I see my Dad's number on the caller ID....I have to make a choice whether or not I want to hear him drunk....sometimes I choose yes and sometimes no. I would love to be able to say..."Dad, you have been drinking, please call me when you are sober, goodbye", but I haven't gotten there yet. These things take time!!

I love Smoke's idea....start small and work your way up. Pick up some literature on alcoholism and start reading.....

Constant
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Old 12-31-2003, 05:45 AM
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thank you

Thank you all so much i will start by doing this today. than k you
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Old 12-31-2003, 05:59 AM
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My father was also an alcoholic and at age 53 he shot himself to death. I felt guilt for all the same reasons you feel right now. The difference was I had already made peace with him and his disease before this happened. I told him I loved him, and I forgave him...but his disease was just that...HIS. When he was sober he was allowed to call me, and when he was not I told him I had to go. It was hard at first but once he figured out that I was not going to let HIS disease affect my life he started calling when he was sober (or not as drunk) and things were a bit smoother. He still let HIS disease kill him, but that was HIS choice. You are not responsible for the effects HIS disease has had on himself. If your little brother needs you then step in by all means and take him home with you or get him other help. Otherwise you have a choice to not let HIS disease kill YOU.
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Old 12-31-2003, 03:39 PM
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Thank you! Liljaxx oh my god i am so sorry. you are right and although i have made peace with him, the guilt still lives withen me! i have a long ways to go.
Constant, My dad lives the same way isolated my god how do you live with that and accept that the choices that they have made for themselves. I need to learn how to accept those things.
Smoke that you for the dry run i will do it i will!
Just tired you are so right, i just wish i had always been kind to him for myself! not him cause your right he doesent deserve my respect but, i must live with my actions. thank you all
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