My normie BF is taking me on a tailspin!!
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My normie BF is taking me on a tailspin!!
I have been dating this really nice "normie BF" for 17 months now, he has been very understanding of my situation (I met him a month b4 my divorce was final) we started dating a week after my divorce, I had my moments and he had put up with me, I have been trying to be normal person to him, kind, loving, honest, just be ME.
He told me that we are a couple and we should be doing things together like couples do (going to family and friends reunions, dancing etc.) I am not use to that because my AXH was very antisocial.However; I have been attending to ALL of my BF's family and friends activities even over my own comfort (fear).
A couple of nights ago I told him we are invited to a graduation dinner, he told me he could not go because he had other priorities that night (getting his landscaping done so he can sell his home and we can get marry), I took his prioritizing as a rejection, I shut down and I have not being able to communicate with him, he knows me well enough to see that I am upset, I told him that I SHOULD KNOW BETTER than to set myself up for dissapointment, that I expected him to be a couple and that we suppose to do things together as couple but he just prove me that it is a one way street on his part, his rejection just triggered memories of how my X used to be, he calmly said that he will go with me, he was not aware that it was so important to me, that I should drop it and communicate my feelings to him, but I can't, it is really hard to open up, I feel like breaking up with him, I am comparing him with my X over this ONE thing.
Am I making mountains out of molehills?
Now my craving to contact my X kicks in, Why? I am reading stories here and is helping me avoid the stinking thinking to contact my x, my boyfriend is a little upset about my behaviour but I am not sure if I am right or is my disease taking over?? Any input, please.
PS: My bf has gone to all my family and friends activities until now.
He told me that we are a couple and we should be doing things together like couples do (going to family and friends reunions, dancing etc.) I am not use to that because my AXH was very antisocial.However; I have been attending to ALL of my BF's family and friends activities even over my own comfort (fear).
A couple of nights ago I told him we are invited to a graduation dinner, he told me he could not go because he had other priorities that night (getting his landscaping done so he can sell his home and we can get marry), I took his prioritizing as a rejection, I shut down and I have not being able to communicate with him, he knows me well enough to see that I am upset, I told him that I SHOULD KNOW BETTER than to set myself up for dissapointment, that I expected him to be a couple and that we suppose to do things together as couple but he just prove me that it is a one way street on his part, his rejection just triggered memories of how my X used to be, he calmly said that he will go with me, he was not aware that it was so important to me, that I should drop it and communicate my feelings to him, but I can't, it is really hard to open up, I feel like breaking up with him, I am comparing him with my X over this ONE thing.
Am I making mountains out of molehills?
Now my craving to contact my X kicks in, Why? I am reading stories here and is helping me avoid the stinking thinking to contact my x, my boyfriend is a little upset about my behaviour but I am not sure if I am right or is my disease taking over?? Any input, please.
PS: My bf has gone to all my family and friends activities until now.
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I was thinking the same thing. It doesn't sound to me like you are over your ex. Do you really think you should be getting married? I don't think that would be fair to either of you.
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My BF knows my ups and downs, however when I think of my X, I do not think "I want him back" actually I saw a picture of us together as family this past Monday while cleaning the garage, last year that would of make me cry, but not now I looked at it with no emotions but just as a memory of the past.
I am not sure why I feel the impulse to contact my X, he was never there for me when I needed him, I wonder if he is an scape from my own fears, a detour not to feel my feelings!!
I do love my BF, but I am such a codependent that every little thing that does not go my way becomes such a big issue.
I don't know how to stop from shutting people down, specially those closer to me.
I am not sure why I feel the impulse to contact my X, he was never there for me when I needed him, I wonder if he is an scape from my own fears, a detour not to feel my feelings!!
I do love my BF, but I am such a codependent that every little thing that does not go my way becomes such a big issue.
I don't know how to stop from shutting people down, specially those closer to me.
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Originally Posted by anvilhead 
that's a very ego based sense of NEED....you still have no clear sense of where YOU end and others begin, no firm boundaries, or true sense of SELF. thus when current BF doesn't do what you want, your power level diminishes and you instinctively seek out a "charge" from another source.
Thank you so much for your honesty I know I am still long ways from true recovery.
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I would be annoyed if my life partner chose landscaping over accompanying me to an important event, but everyone has different standards. If I conscientiously attended all of my partner's important events, I would expect that he would do the same to me to the best of his abilities, and landscaping wouldn't cut it for me. But that's just me.
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thank you changingchoices, I feel so broken that I doubt everything I do, feel, think, "trust", talk, see, hear.
Amazing what living with an alcoholic can do to you!! and he has been gone for two years now!!! well after 5+17 (2 XAH), it will take time to get my sanity back.
Amazing what living with an alcoholic can do to you!! and he has been gone for two years now!!! well after 5+17 (2 XAH), it will take time to get my sanity back.
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Originally Posted by anvilhead
he's trying to SELL HIS HOUSE, that's fairly important. i think we forget everyone has the right to say NO. and that should be perfectly OK.
we either extended an INVITATION
or issued a COMMAND.
invitations may be declined.
commands must be obeyed.
this doesn't really a thing to do with the graduation dinner......or landscaping.
we either extended an INVITATION
or issued a COMMAND.
invitations may be declined.
commands must be obeyed.
this doesn't really a thing to do with the graduation dinner......or landscaping.
maybe I should of say " Honey my nephew is inviting us to his graduation dinner and I would really like you to come with me".
heck I don't know.....things where different with my AXH, I knew he will say H*ll NO.
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Originally Posted by anvilhead
this doesn't really a thing to do with the graduation dinner......or landscaping.
It may be time to slow down a bit and consider what kind of a relationship you really want....
L
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Well, from the perspective of someone who is also trying to sell her house, I would do my best to get my yard work done and try to be there for my partner, too. But that's me. I am a woman and rather codependent too!
Not overreacting, not being codependent, being able to detach, not having unrealistic expectations about others making our lives "okay"--those are all good things. But I think part of not being codependent is being able to ask to have our needs fulfilled and not feel bad about asking. And if we feel that we are giving too much and our partner isn't giving enough, it's okay to say that, too, and to stop giving as much if there isn't a sense of equilibrium in the relationship.
It sounds like you freaked out a bit about his not wanting to go. Were you overreacting, or are you feeling fed up because you feel you're giving too much and he's not giving enough? You'll have to think about it. Are you generally happy with the balance of giving in the relationship, or do you feel you're doing too much and/or he's not doing enough as a partner?
At any rate, it's important not to overreact and to communicate clearly without being overly emotional. At the same time, it's valid to have expectations for equality of giving in a relationship. It's never 50/50 all the time, but there has to be balance. You can't force someone to fulfill your needs, but you can back off on fulfilling theirs if it's making you feel resentful. If the other person is reasonable, they will respect your pulling back and giving less, and probably be more sensitive in the future about negotiating both your needs. If they aren't, you'll have problems.
Go to the dinner without him and enjoy yourself. And then in the future if he wants you to attend something with him and you don't want to, don't. See how things go. Don't rush into marriage!! Seventeen months is not a very long time to get to know someone and decide if you want to make that commitment, if you have a past with an addict.
Not overreacting, not being codependent, being able to detach, not having unrealistic expectations about others making our lives "okay"--those are all good things. But I think part of not being codependent is being able to ask to have our needs fulfilled and not feel bad about asking. And if we feel that we are giving too much and our partner isn't giving enough, it's okay to say that, too, and to stop giving as much if there isn't a sense of equilibrium in the relationship.
It sounds like you freaked out a bit about his not wanting to go. Were you overreacting, or are you feeling fed up because you feel you're giving too much and he's not giving enough? You'll have to think about it. Are you generally happy with the balance of giving in the relationship, or do you feel you're doing too much and/or he's not doing enough as a partner?
At any rate, it's important not to overreact and to communicate clearly without being overly emotional. At the same time, it's valid to have expectations for equality of giving in a relationship. It's never 50/50 all the time, but there has to be balance. You can't force someone to fulfill your needs, but you can back off on fulfilling theirs if it's making you feel resentful. If the other person is reasonable, they will respect your pulling back and giving less, and probably be more sensitive in the future about negotiating both your needs. If they aren't, you'll have problems.
Go to the dinner without him and enjoy yourself. And then in the future if he wants you to attend something with him and you don't want to, don't. See how things go. Don't rush into marriage!! Seventeen months is not a very long time to get to know someone and decide if you want to make that commitment, if you have a past with an addict.
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The one piece of advice I consistantly give to my adult daughters.
Beware of the rebound relationship.
IMHO, perhaps you have gotten to involved, to fast. You still have lots of baggage from the previous relationship. No malice intended here, just an observation, one that I have witnessed many times with my own adult daughters.
It's good to see that you are so aware of the situation. Communication is the key to all successful relationships. But I think you have to resolve some issues for you, before you are ready to get remarried. If you don't address them now, it will just haunt you down the road.
Wishing you and your fiance all the best.
Beware of the rebound relationship.
IMHO, perhaps you have gotten to involved, to fast. You still have lots of baggage from the previous relationship. No malice intended here, just an observation, one that I have witnessed many times with my own adult daughters.
It's good to see that you are so aware of the situation. Communication is the key to all successful relationships. But I think you have to resolve some issues for you, before you are ready to get remarried. If you don't address them now, it will just haunt you down the road.
Wishing you and your fiance all the best.
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Originally Posted by choublak
Stop comparing this guy to your ex.
however, he have been dating for 17 months and we are NOT living together so for me that is all the experience I have with men.
Not a lot of people to compare him with!! I know I should not compare anyway!
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Originally Posted by marie1960
The one piece of advice I consistantly give to my adult daughters.
Beware of the rebound relationship.
IMHO, perhaps you have gotten to involved, to fast. You still have lots of baggage from the previous relationship. No malice intended here, just an observation, one that I have witnessed many times with my own adult daughters.
It's good to see that you are so aware of the situation. Communication is the key to all successful relationships. But I think you have to resolve some issues for you, before you are ready to get remarried. If you don't address them now, it will just haunt you down the road.
Wishing you and your fiance all the best.
Beware of the rebound relationship.
IMHO, perhaps you have gotten to involved, to fast. You still have lots of baggage from the previous relationship. No malice intended here, just an observation, one that I have witnessed many times with my own adult daughters.
It's good to see that you are so aware of the situation. Communication is the key to all successful relationships. But I think you have to resolve some issues for you, before you are ready to get remarried. If you don't address them now, it will just haunt you down the road.
Wishing you and your fiance all the best.
My whole family likes him because he is NOT an alkie or addict, he treats me right.
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Dear ODAT,
Regarding the landscaping thing, it's hard to say. I don't mind going to things alone but if I'd been going out of my way to spend quality time with a boyfriend's family--and then he blew me off? Eh. I'd be a little annoyed.
Which sort of brings me to what really stood out to me: You wrote:
He told me that we are a couple and we should be doing things together like couples do (going to family and friends reunions, dancing etc.) I am not use to that because my AXH was very antisocial.However; I have been attending to ALL of my BF's family and friends activities even over my own comfort (fear).
Putting the AXH stuff aside, this doesn't smell right. Is your fiance being a bossy-boots and trying to rush you? Because you just got through a rough divorce and if you and your kids feel like laying low for a while, that is absolutely okay. I know after my divorce, or after any rough time, I need to have a lot of quiet time and solitude to feel right in myself. Maybe you're like me that way.
That's great if you enjoy dating him, but what's with his insistance that you hang out with his family all the time? And already with the house-selling? That's would be way too intense for me if I were only recently divorced. If you don't want to hang with his family and all that, then don't. If you want to spend less time with him, or even break up with him, then do so. You don't need his or anyone else's permission or understanding to do that.
You don't need me to tell you that if you're writing "I'm not sure; I'm scared" about a potential marriage, that's a sign to wait. And seventeen months is way too soon to be talking marriage when you've just gotten through a tough divorce.
Regarding the landscaping thing, it's hard to say. I don't mind going to things alone but if I'd been going out of my way to spend quality time with a boyfriend's family--and then he blew me off? Eh. I'd be a little annoyed.
Which sort of brings me to what really stood out to me: You wrote:
He told me that we are a couple and we should be doing things together like couples do (going to family and friends reunions, dancing etc.) I am not use to that because my AXH was very antisocial.However; I have been attending to ALL of my BF's family and friends activities even over my own comfort (fear).
Putting the AXH stuff aside, this doesn't smell right. Is your fiance being a bossy-boots and trying to rush you? Because you just got through a rough divorce and if you and your kids feel like laying low for a while, that is absolutely okay. I know after my divorce, or after any rough time, I need to have a lot of quiet time and solitude to feel right in myself. Maybe you're like me that way.
That's great if you enjoy dating him, but what's with his insistance that you hang out with his family all the time? And already with the house-selling? That's would be way too intense for me if I were only recently divorced. If you don't want to hang with his family and all that, then don't. If you want to spend less time with him, or even break up with him, then do so. You don't need his or anyone else's permission or understanding to do that.
You don't need me to tell you that if you're writing "I'm not sure; I'm scared" about a potential marriage, that's a sign to wait. And seventeen months is way too soon to be talking marriage when you've just gotten through a tough divorce.
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"He has been divorced 4 times, it has been 10 years since his last divorce, he says he is ready."
Good grief, the best predictor of the future is the past...there is a reason he has been divorced four times...and...why in the world would you even consider marrying him? And, why do you need to marry anyone? Are you planning to start a family??? If not, what is the reason?
Your lack of sound reasoning in your previous marriages should tell you something, stop, look and listen before jumping off the cliff.
Good grief, the best predictor of the future is the past...there is a reason he has been divorced four times...and...why in the world would you even consider marrying him? And, why do you need to marry anyone? Are you planning to start a family??? If not, what is the reason?
Your lack of sound reasoning in your previous marriages should tell you something, stop, look and listen before jumping off the cliff.
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Originally Posted by djayr
I am personally dumbfounded how someone can go right from one relationship (which ended badly) into another one. Yikes.
My therapist was not too happy with the idea of me dating but since I had no much experience dating she suggested I go ahead and learn from a healthy person how I should be treated.
He has been so kind and nice and loving with me, he is the kind of person I wanted my X to be.
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It sounds to me that you are just overreacting in this situation. Your BF behavior sounds normal to me. *I think the talk about encouraging you to do things with family and friends was meant to be supportive of a healthy way of life.*
And I can see where the work at his house is important, and maybe he just really didn't realize you really wanted him to go to the party.
I don't see it so hardcore like this is important to me, this is important to you.... We are both standing firm and have that right.... Doesn't sound very giving in nature. *I think he just didn't realize and you got upset because you compared him to your ex and learnt behaviors. *This guy isn't your ex, and in time you will learn new, healthier behaviors that are based on mutual love and respect. I think your headed in the right direction. Good Luck!
And I can see where the work at his house is important, and maybe he just really didn't realize you really wanted him to go to the party.
I don't see it so hardcore like this is important to me, this is important to you.... We are both standing firm and have that right.... Doesn't sound very giving in nature. *I think he just didn't realize and you got upset because you compared him to your ex and learnt behaviors. *This guy isn't your ex, and in time you will learn new, healthier behaviors that are based on mutual love and respect. I think your headed in the right direction. Good Luck!
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Originally Posted by ODAT63
however when I think of my X, I do not think "I want him back" actually I saw a picture of us together as family this past Monday while cleaning the garage, last year that would of make me cry, but not now I looked at it with no emotions but just as a memory of the past.
I am not sure why I feel the impulse to contact my X, he was never there for me when I needed him, I wonder if he is an scape from my own fears, a detour not to feel my feelings!!
I am not sure why I feel the impulse to contact my X, he was never there for me when I needed him, I wonder if he is an scape from my own fears, a detour not to feel my feelings!!
I fear for myself that if I were to be in another relationship right now, or right away, I would continue to struggle with similar issues with a different person until I get further into my healing. My biggest fear (I am not saying this is what you are doing) would be to miss red flags that I missed with the first marriage (and frankly the relationships prior to that). I continue to struggle with boundaries with friends and coworkers....to me that means I would struggle even more in an intimate relationship where more is at stake.
For me though the codependent behavior was in place prior to the loved one with an alcohol problem.
My other question is that even though 17months is longer than your other dating relationships it is still not a long time, and it is okay to take things slow. Often I make bad decisions for myself when I feel rushed, and in part that is what I did with exAH.
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