lillamy

I went straight from an abusive marriage into a new relationship, too. Against my better judgment. We've run headfirst into brick walls a couple of times. But we're taking it really slowly. We've gone from seeing each other maybe every other month to once a month to more frequently. We recently scaled back our time together because we both sensed we needed time to work on ourselves.

I think especially for people who come out of bad relationships and carry a lot of hurt, it's important to stand firm on your own two feet before trying to lean on someone else for support. To me, and to him, it's been very important that we don't have a "lopsided" relationship, power-wise. It sounds unromantic to speak in those terms, but I did not want our relationship to become one where he was the strong one and I was the weak one, where I had baggage and he helped me carry it.

So we've put off living together; we've put off sharing our daily life. It was so tempting for both of us to just try to merge our beings into some infatuation soup where we just loved the pain and baggage out of each other. But we both know it doesn't work that way.

I've said this before here -- the only way my new relationship can work is through total honesty and a LOT of work on communicating. When you come out of an alcoholic marriage, you SUCK at communicating. You don't even know what your own feelings are. It takes TIME to figure out who you are, what you want, find your footing and become your own person. And you can't do that while trying to live as someone else wants you to.

I'm also guessing that with four marriages behind him, your new SO isn't a great communicator either. Sure, it's possible that he married four consecutive evil wenches, but I'd put my money on him not being born the Perfect Mate.

I'm not saying "run for the hills" but I'm definitely saying "I would take it MUUUUCH slower." I know first-hand the temptation to dive head-first into a mushy belonging just because you think it prevents you from having to do the ugly, painful, dirty work of finding your own center and balance and identity. It doesn't, though. All you do is postpone it, and that is doing yourself a disservice.

I do agree with Anvil, that you're attempting to control him by using emotional blackmail rather than letting him be who he is. But I also think his way of "teaching" you how to behave as a couple is controlling. And if I were in your shoes, I'd put off the wedding until I had gotten a good solid year or two of good solid counseling under my belt.

changeschoices

Do you know why he's been divorced four times? That seems like something you two should address in couples counseling before you even consider heading down the aisle.

My uncle was heading toward his third divorce. Then he got himself to AA.

ODAT63

Yes, I understand the 4 marriages thing red flag, he explained that it was a really bad time (midlife crisis) of hi life, he is not blaming anyone, and he had explanations for each, and his family has confirmed it. In this 17 months with me, he has been consistant, no changes in the way he is, he is not pushing me to do anything I don't want (that's my problem I do not know what I want).
He understands my fears and he wants open communication, he says I am the best relationship he ever had because he sees me trying to be healthy and is much more than many women will want to do.
He did come to the dinner with me and we had a good time. I have fear that now I owe him, that is my disease of codependency, I always feel like I have to pay back every nice or bad thing people do to me.

KelleyF

My guess.... A big hug and telling him you really appreciated him going with you is all he needs and wants. And.... I bet you already did that, so I think your good.

Chino

Can you try replacing "pay back" with "acknowledge"? Fake it 'til you make it?

In AA, the concept of 90 in 90 is all about changing thoughts and habits. At the time, they didn't have the science to back it up, but they were spot on. It takes approximately 3 months for us to change/break habits.

I'm suggesting you give it a whirl for 90 days

akrasia

That's great! Go ahead and continue dating him, why not?

But if you don't want to hang out with his family-- don't. If you feel uncertain about marrying him--don't.

He might not understand, and he might be upset. Okay. He has every right to that. Maybe it means he reconsiders whether he wants to be a relationship with you. Bummer, but there it is.

But it's just not tenable for you to capitulate despite your uncertainty, and then get all moody on him. That's not going to make anyone happy.