Krys

When I left the apartment my ABF and I shared I thought that when I started living a saner, healthier life that things would be difficult but would eventually start to calm down and work out. I have increased my hours at work to over 50 to be able to afford my own place, and I can't find anything in my price range that isn't a scary dump. I can't stay at my moms much longer, and between the pain and confusion that comes with leaving our home, and still loving him while fighting the urge to strangle him I am honestly tempted to give up and go back. I am so mad that even though he claims to now be making enough money to afford a bigger place together, he won't leave the place I love and most importantly can afford on my own. I never should have let him have it. I feel like even though he should be the one hitting bottom right now I am hitting bottom instead. I am the one living at my moms, working like a maniac, and crying myself to sleep while he gets to live in our place, and lounge around like a freaking king while his family and even our landlord continue to enable him. His mother actually told him that there is nothing wrong with him and that I just don't love him. She was drunk... I really wish that standing in the middle of a crowded room and screaming at the top of my lungs wouldn't be considered weird...I think it would help.

SearchSerenity

Take a deep breath and keep trudging forward. You can do this. You will do it well, and it'll be so incredibly worth it.

Take care of yourself. Hugs.

Katiekate

(((Krys))))

I have had many of these days.

You are tired and worn down. It will come together.

This is so hard.

Do something nice for yourself and try to trust the universe.

xoxooxox

Hollyanne

Take your time moving from mother's house if you can. Keep checking online and grocery stores etc for apts and put the word out that you are looking.
I am rooting for you.
Bet you get the cutest most fabulous place EVER!

Pelican

Next best thing:

Get in your car and crank up the volume on your stereo and scream at the top of your lungs.

Works beautifully.......everytime!

Krys

I think I have been holding everything in and trying to stay strong for too long. I had to do it to keep up the denial and to get through the day...I couldn't lose it for fear of total collapse. Now just when I think I have cried it all out it starts seeping out when I least expect it. I just want it to stop. I know it's a process, but I hate it and going back would take off so much pressure. My scared, stressed out brain keeps making up reasons why it would be ok to give in, just when I thought I escaped the mind games, mine starts playing them! I really appreciate the support, every time someone responds to one of my posts I am reminded that I am not alone...and then I cry because you understand and most days I feel like no one gets it. I cry over everything! lol. I really hope that a great place opens up, I really don't want to end up some place I don't feel comfortable. I think in my emotionally pathetic state it could send me over the edge. lol

Hollyanne

Are you "no contact"?
I ask, because it is not possible to heal when you are hearing from him or about him. Stay out of his life. No updates from others.
The other thing is, you may be after unleashing ALL your regrets.
I cried so much recently, my sister was just looking at me going, "WTF!, You could not possibly be missing him that much, he was an A##hole!"
We both ended up laughing about that. She was right though, I was crying for me.
You know? Just everything.....
It is very cathartic though. It is good to bawl your head off.

Don't you dare go back though. Nooooooooooo.
It gets better.:ghug3

Hollyanne

I have to warn you, I am in a ridiculously beautiful riverside apartment now, and some days I am just like "F%$k it!".
Some days just suck, blow, stink. lol

theuncertainty

LOL. Must be a common reaction for family... My sister told me the same thing, nearly word for word, once right after I left AXH and I was having a hard time pulling myself together.

Krys, hang in there. There most definitely are days like this. My absolute favorite - ok, not favorite, because I'd rather not have those days - is when my cr-ppy day coincided with windy, stormy days. There's an area in my town along the inlet where the wind really seems to go for all it's worth on stormy days, and stormy days mean no one is out on the trails or at the park. I could go and scream my head off into the wind and there was no one there to stare at the crazy lady. And I had the added benefit of being able to believe the wind was carrying my pain and frustration (along with the noise) off where others couldn't hear it.

I've also done the car thing or made use of my brother-in-law's punching bag. Other times, just taking a really long, hot bath and letting myself cry until the water was no longer hot helped a lot.

As a dear friend often reminds me: Don't give up 5 minutes before the miracle.

Big hugs.

chronsweet

What about renting a room for now?

Krys

It helps so much to know others have been through this crazy ride. Half the time I don't even know what I am really feeling, I've been numb for so long. It doesn't help that I agreed to try to work things out, and am constantly being pulled in different directions. I just don't know what is right anymore. Maybe less contact would be a good thing, at this point we only see each other once a week, but maybe we should do that some place neutral (we have been meeting in the apartment we shared) or just do a phone call. He hasn't gone for help, so at this point even though he says he is not drinking he is not making much of an effort. Why should I make one if he doesn't right? I can't get over how similar all of our stories are, we might be dealing with different people, but nothing about the disease seems unique. Unique stories yes, but the consequences and the **** that flies out of their mouths is unbelievably similar. Just like any other illness I guess. I might have to schedule some time for a mini breakdown this weekend. Oh the people of my moms quaint little coastal town have no idea what they are in for. We are in for some rain this weekend, I'm thinking it would be a good time to scream at the ocean. lol. Thanks again guys, you are life savers!

wicked

Krys,
Does your mom have a problem with you living there, or is it a problem for you?
Have you really given yourself enough time to recover, or is it frustration that it hasn't happened yet.
Please do not go back to the sickness, do not give up yet.
Of course, do not answer here, just something to think about.

You must forgive yourself for letting him have the apartment.
forgive yourself, because it is your only option - you cannot change the past.
work on your future.
Could your mom be helpful with this?
You are working so hard, and feeling bad.
Start with the easy part, and get some rest. Lots of rest. 50 hours a week is a lot of work, and the tension you are putting on yourself will wear you out.
Eat well, make an effort to eat stuff that is good for you.
Think about yourself and great your life will be once you get over this rocky part.
But, do not go back in time to that terrible place.
Move forward.
Always forward.

Beth

Katiekate

Me too, just all of a sudden the tears start pouring out. But it's different, it's like a release. It's the deep hurt , it's healing.

I was in the process of moving when this all came to a head. Ugggg, it has been really hard, but I am settling in, feeling more comfortable. The timing of getting this place was perfect though, he has never been here, it is all mine. We are getting there Krys, just keep moving forward. xoxoox

Helenlee

Don't give up 5 minutes before the miracle.
Thank you theuncertainty

THIS.
Remember this.
If you quit now, you just have to retrace every painful step next time you leave. And there will be a next time. You could decide to return & submit to becoming one of those desperate people who stuff themselves so far down inside all the lights go out & no one lives there any more. Or you could decide to guts it out now & delight in the rewards of a life lived on your own terms.
You don't actually want HIM you know, you just want familiarity & not to be outside your comfort zone. I say, pretend it's a new extreme sport you've taken up & you're having the time of your life. When you get through it, you'll be much fitter, emotionally & spiritually, than if you'd stayed in the cozy & familiar but life sapping zone

keepingmyjoy1

As a dear friend often reminds me: Don't give up 5 minutes before the miracle.

That is so awesome! Thanks!

I agree with Helenlee...when we are out of our comfort zone, it is pretty darn uncomfortable! Sounds like you are doing all you can...just keep taking baby steps forward. Eventually you will build a new comfort zone...it just takes time. Hugs.

ODAT63

My sponsor got me hook on louise hay and her powerful affirmations, here is her link. Louise L. Hay – Internationally renowned author and Hay House founder – Official Site
It has been 2 years this week since my Xah left me with all the bills and huge house payment, amazingly enough I have been able to pay the mortgage and my car and other bills, Yes trust your HP and the Universe.
You can do it!!

Krys

Thank you everyone, I'm trying, I'm just pooped. I've been coming in here more and more to remind myself of the reality of things. It's funny how you start to forget the pain and start remembering the good times. I still get really angry, but I am also so sad about everything...the back and forth of the emotions is exhausting and just plain maddening! lol. Not being able to find a place has just made it worse. With everyone downsizing it's like the minute an apartment goes on to the market POOF it's gone. I know that part of it is being out of my comfort zone, I am so far out of it I feel anxious 24/7. There have been many times I wanted to go back this week, if only to sleep in my bed and feel comfortable for the first time since this started, but I didn't do it. My friends and family keep telling me how strong I am, but I don't feel strong, I feel like a failure. I did this to myself. Thank you for the encouragement, it helps more than you know, I have a ton of work to do on myself and it is hard to have faith in anything right now, but I am trying! Sorry if this whole thing sounded whiny...I am feeling pretty whiny these days! lol

Katiekate

Oh please whine, do some for me too lol.

You are doing really good!!!!! xo

Helenlee

I know you're tired ... most of us here know how exhausting this stuff is. By the time most of us leave we're already far, far beyond the end of our tether. The temptation to give in & go home so you can sleep in your own bed, drink from your own coffee cup & shower in your own bathroom is huge. But in this situation, if you give up now, you'll never sleep in your own bed without worrying he might pee in it, or puke in it, or just wishing he wasn't in it ... or drink from your own coffee cup without remembering the time he threw it at you, or all the coffee he never made you ... & on & on. (Illustratively, not literally.) The discomfort you're dealing with now is short term. I know it doesn't feel like it. I know it's overwhelming & you feel like you're on the edge. The issue is if you go back you will always feel like you have no "sacred space" where you can take shelter from life's storms. Because the alcoholics behaviour will deteriorate, & your behaviour will deteriorate in response, until there is no peace & no comfort anywhere. Hold on. Use this board as a comforter when you need to. It's the more functional choice

KiteSurfIan

There are a lot of concepts out there that can put things in perspective...