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Old 05-02-2012, 11:07 AM
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Strength needed

I called child protective services today. D6 told me something that was kind of the last straw. Not a major concern but collectively, with one thing after another, I decided to call again (I have called several times and NOTHING has ever happened).

Maybe it was luck of the draw or maybe they are tired of hearing from me, but the woman I spoke to was wonderful and flagged my report to go to her supervisor because as she saw it, it involves not just child abuse but domestic violence. She was willing to document a number of prior episodes that hadn't been considered in the past and the next step is that a case worker and the domestic violence specialist are going to call me and we'll go from there.

I am freaking out about the possibility of a) losing my children because AH will distort things and turn it into a witch hunt of me and b) am terrified at how angry AH will be when he is contacted. They will not disclose to him that I called but it will be obvious that I did since no one else but D6 and I and he know what happened.

What happened is that he was visiting with them and when I returned D6 wanted to talk to me urgently. I put D4 to bed and then went to D6 (AH was gone obviously). D6 told me in a long and drawn out way that she'd been fighting with D4 and that Daddy had told her he'd throw her in her room and nail her in there if she came out one more time. She was legitimately scared and asked me how she'd get out if there was a fire or she had to go potty. I told her I'd leave her door open and that no one would nail it and that it was wrong of AH to say that. Then D6 recanted and said "Daddy said I was confused and that he said shut but I know he said nail" (or something to that effect) and it was that that put me over the edge. It's one thing to have gaslighted and abused me emotionally for years. But to be f'ing with D6 like that is too much.

So I called. I told them I had been arrested recently bc AH lied and the worker said she sees that too often. I told her that AH has left the girls at home to buy alcohol when he's been with them. I told her that this morning when he came to get D4 bc it was his day to bring her to school, that D6 shouted at him about something from months ago and his response was to tell her that she was "upset about something based on lies mommy told you" (she told him she was upset with how she SAW him treating me) and he told her what she was reporting was a lie.

So, that's what I did.

I am scared. I am afraid of how he will react. I am afraid of how it will impact me and my time with the girls if he is able to distort and lie to CPS like he does to everyone else. But I called bc my worry for the girls emotional well being mattered more this morning than anythign else.

But I am scared and sad and don't know what to do.

I live in an a$$ backward state and am terrified the girls will be taken from me too. I know I have to let it go and go with the process but I am afraid.
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Old 05-02-2012, 11:10 AM
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You did the right thing! These things must be documented! The truth will come out, it has to. Appearances can only go on for so long, eventually the right person is going to see him for what he is.
Hugs and prayers for you.
M
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Old 05-02-2012, 11:17 AM
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I'll be praying for your protection and the girls and that God will shine the light on the truth and expose exactly what you STBX is really like.
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Old 05-02-2012, 11:34 AM
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Originally Posted by wanttobehealthy View Post

I am freaking out about the possibility of a) losing my children because AH will distort things and turn it into a witch hunt of me and b) am terrified at how angry AH will be when he is contacted. They will not disclose to him that I called but it will be obvious that I did since no one else but D6 and I and he know what happened.

I know I have to let it go and go with the process but I am afraid.
Dear Wanttobe,

A. You're not going to lose your children. The social services people aren't dumb. They deal with people like your ex every day. They know the witch hunt routine. They've seen the "I-didn't-do-it-and-anyway-she-MADE-me-do-it" routine a million times before, and they'll recognise it for what it is.

B. Let him get angry. Who gives a damn? These angry men with their great big shows of angry anger. He can get glad in the same pants he got mad in.

More seriously: do keep an eye on the process. Tell the caseworker frankly that you're afraid of how desperate/violent he'll get and you want to make sure you and the kids are safe from any reprecussions. Ask her directly what steps you and she can take together to make sure everyone's safe. She's obliged to look after that, but it doesn't hurt having you remind her.

You're doing great! I hope you're reaching out to friends/family. Even if it's just to get a cup of coffee or shoot the breeze on the phone for a while, that can help a lot at times like these, I think.

Hugs.
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Old 05-02-2012, 11:45 AM
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Prayers. Its ok to be scared, this is a scary thing you are doing. But its the right thing. Way to go Mom!
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Old 05-02-2012, 12:04 PM
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(((WTBH))) - I understand your fear, with all that you and the girls have been through, but I, too, believe the truth will come out. I don't know when, but I continue to keep you and the girls in my prayers,

Hugs and prayers,

Amy
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Old 05-02-2012, 12:57 PM
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Sending hugs and strength, WTBH. That fear that comes with reporting an abusive ex's behavior with the kids is horrible and I'm so sorry that you're having to deal with it.

Peace and love for you and your little ones.
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Old 05-02-2012, 01:04 PM
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WTBH

I just wanted to tell you that you are an awesome and brave woman!

In case you haven't been told enough lately, let my voice be added to the many

THANK YOU for all you are doing for the safety, sanity and mental & physical health of your daughters!!!!!! There is nothing more important that a Mother can do than the wonderful things you are taking the risk to do than to fight for their safety! I know you are scared, tired and overwhelmed, but you never give up ~ so because they can't say Thank You right now at their age ~ I wanted to say it for them.

THANK YOU!

Also adding my prayers that the Truth of the situation will be revealed to all authorities, to the public and most of all to those who have doubted you ~ So that you may be once again safe in your own home, your job, your home town and your own life ~

PINK HUGS,
Rita
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Old 05-02-2012, 01:06 PM
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((((wtbh)))) I'm sorry you are afraid, and your ah has pulled some extraordinarily underhanded things in the past.

Perhaps your attorney should be notified about this as well as your local domestic violence shelter so that you and the girls will be represented and have some place to go if it all 'hits the fan' so to speak.

I'll be praying that things will go your way from now on!!!
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Old 05-02-2012, 01:13 PM
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My lawyer was the second call I made & the dv coalition the 3rd. Ah doesn't get to find out who called and im unsure whether to admit it if asked.

Opinions?
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Old 05-02-2012, 01:31 PM
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Originally Posted by wanttobehealthy View Post
Ah doesn't get to find out who called and im unsure whether to admit it if asked.

Opinions?
Not saying he won't ask.... But, if he doesn't KNOW it was you (and he won't, because your D, could have said it at school...), it'd be really stupid of him to say, "Hey, WTBH, some one reported me to child protective services. Was it you?"

Since CPS doesn't tell him who reported, you don't have to either. If he is mean enough or dense enough to bring it up and ask you, my response would simply be: Reeeeeaaaaallly? That's good information to have. I'll be sure to let my attorney know.
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Old 05-02-2012, 01:31 PM
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Well, I wouldn't talk to him, if it was me.
Otherwise, I don't know. He's likely to retaliate if he knows it was you, but he will think it was anyway. My gut says stay strong and stand your ground. Sometimes they do end up running away with their tail between their legs once they realize that you're not going to take it, any of it, anymore.
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Old 05-02-2012, 01:33 PM
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Originally Posted by wanttobehealthy View Post
Ah doesn't get to find out who called and im unsure whether to admit it if asked.
If asked? You mean if he asks you, "Do you know who called CPS? Was it you?" etc.

Doesn't merit a response. He should only be communicating with you around pick-up and drop-off times and the like. If he does sneak it in, you could have a canned response like, "Sorry you're having trouble. So, the girls have piano practice till 5:30. Bye."
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Old 05-02-2012, 02:03 PM
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WTBH, you are an amazing, strong, inspirational woman. You are gaining strength every single day and you're doing exactly the right things to protect your girls.
It's one thing to say this, but you don't have to communicate with him. My solicitor told me that if my ex contacts me and is abusive or aggressive or violent, I should report it to her and she will file an injunction as he has no right to behave that way. I know I'm in the UK and your state is crazy though, so I suspect you don't have that luxury.
Sending hugs and support xxx
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Old 05-02-2012, 07:37 PM
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You have the strength and wisdom I wish you could send to me. Don't answer him. You do not have to... You will not allow your children to feel the pain you have tried to protect them from for years. He does not need validation it was from you. It is for him and does not matter. Hugs and prayers.
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Old 05-02-2012, 09:45 PM
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I am sending you big hugs.

You did what you needed to do.
A paper trail is important.
Keep advocating for your children and keep being smart.
The truth will prevail.
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Old 05-03-2012, 03:47 AM
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I kind of like akrasia's answer if he bothers to ask: "Sorry to hear about it. So, the nex soccer game is......"
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Old 05-03-2012, 06:31 AM
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I like akrasia's answer.

One of the battles I fought with myself during my custody dispute was that I didn't have to answer every question, and I didn't have to tell everyone everything. Not because I was lying or deceptive, but because of privacy, self-preservation, and independence. You're done with this guy, and he has nothing on you. He might make you think he does, but he doesn't.
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Old 05-03-2012, 08:30 AM
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Thanks everyone...

Florence- you know, one of the things that makes me worry (and I am sure AH knows it) is that I am not perfect and HAVE acted badly at times and he probably can and will spin my "flaws" to paint me as a bad mom and human if it means that he looks better.

Living with active alcoholism and not dealing sooner with my part in it and my codependency made me lose it more than a few times. He has NO recollection of his horrid behavior but has a crystal clear (with exagerrations included of course) memory of anything wrong I have done. And he doesn't hesitate to remind me of all of that when he feels the heat is on him.

So, I wish that he had nothing "on me" because then I could brush off the worry that he could harm me with his tales/words. He has a remarkable ability to take a few facts and then embelish and create something altogether different and its the fact that there are some facts that he could exagerrate that scares me.

For ex/ I have the recent arrest and am under scrutiny for the next 6 months for it. If he decides to counter complain to child protective services (even if it's a lie) that WILL be on the radar of the court and could impact my tenuous ability to have it all dismissed.

I realize I need to let go and just see how it plays out. I am just realizing that there could be repurcussions for me in all of this that I didnt think about. I am still glad I called for the girls sake but am terrified about how this might play out for me...
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Old 05-03-2012, 09:24 AM
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I think the difference that will shine through is: You can admit when you have done things which you should have done better, whereas your ah continues to say that he has done nothing wrong in spite of much evidence to the contrary.

People (judges, lawyers, DV workers, CPS workers) will all see that. They will see that you are working to improve your life and protect your daughters....that's a good thing!
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