EnglishGarden

My reading tells me that alcoholics generally first lose their friends, then their families, and finally, at the bitter end, their jobs. They are willing to let everything but the job go, because they want the job to pay for the booze.

What he is really obsessed about, in his disease, is not you, not the marriage, not the apartment.....it is about where the money for the booze will come from if he's too hung over to go to work.

So, whatever choice you make, make it for your safety and welfare in every aspect of your life, and he will figure out how to pay for his next bottle.

And one day, he might, one hopes, be done. But for now, he's not.

I would find an apartment all my own, make it all my own, get help for recovery from codependency and trauma for at least a year, and make a good relationship with your Higher Power, to help you through the hard days.

It is so tough to face reality. We try every bargaining tactic not to. But we just have to.

Breathe deep, you are going to be all right. Life supports us when we decide to get well.

TakingCharge999

Good for you for taking care of yourself. I would talk to an attorney first. You will be fine. Just for the record I left a XABF 3 years ago. Today he is the same person and drinks the same or more. I could have wasted all this time waiting for something I can't control. Its wise to know our limits and to chose what works for us. HUGS!

Seren

(((gbz))) You are not mean or heartless. You cannot save him, nor are you the reason that all this is happening to him. He has brought all of this on himself.

He has been given him plenty of time to find a job and keep going. He refuses or is incapable, but that is not something you did to him.

I hope that you will base all your decisions on what is best for you....where do you want to live? An attorney should be able to help you make the best decisions as you move forward.

I'm sorry you are hurting! HG

XXXXXXXXXX

I left a year ago and your story sounds very similar to mine. I held on to the fantasy that my leaving would be the shock he needed to turn things around. I would go out to dinner with him, and have that gut feeling that he had been drinking. I would find beer cans that he swore belonged to his brother. I didn't trust my gut, especially when he would manipulate and tell me that "now that he was doing so well, I didn't trust him."

In the past months, I have paid very close attention to his actions, which don't match his words at all. I don't think my ex had a relapse, because I don't think he has been sober at all, and although $20,000 of rehab, losing yet another professional job, and watching the house get forclosed on he still believes that he can tell me that things are better and that he isn't drinking.

Even when he sent drunk texts just days ago and others have told me that he is still drinking. I have my phone blocked from calls because anything he has to say is just talk.

I am now living my life just for me. I pray for him that he will find his way, but I have to live apart from the drama and chaos that he brings. Over a year ago I told him that he had to make a choice: being an active alcoholic or having a home and family. Now he tells me he wants to make that choice.......sorry buddy. Those are just words.

Please trust your instincts. They will rarely fail us.

NYCDoglvr

For active alcoholics booze is their higher power, God, the love of their life. Relationships are secondary. Typically they'll say they won't drink (and probably mean it) but few really get help (rehab, AA). "Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame of me" I should have that tattooed on my forehead! I thought I was loving and caring, giving my ex a second chance, hope springs eternal, bla bla bla. Turns out I suffer from as much denial as an alcoholic. That, and it's easier to stay in a situation -- even a bad one -- than confront my fears about life on my own and take action. But thank God I did it.

Alanonic

He probably doesnt want to look for a job because then he would have to get sober. Obviously this is not priority for him. You are his life line. Cut the line. I wouldnt be paying his rent. I'm not going to pay my mortgage to the house my husband lives in. I have no idea either on how he is going to pay it.
"They" seem to find a way, to get their own way.
Get your own place before your record gets tainted cuz he is not paying rent.
I would quit checking up on him, too.

Alanonic

I have an appointment with attorney #2 to get a second opinion relative to spousal support I will be filing for divorce. it s weird i dont feel as scared as before.
thank you for re assurance that i am doing the right thing.


Talk to me about Spousal Support.....what exactly is that about?

choublak

You're paying the rent there, right? You have the right to "pop in" whenever you feel like it.

EnglishGarden

Your thinking is very fogged, I know, but please consider that the American Humane Association would not place a pet with a drunk, and it would be best for your cats if you don't either.

Drunks are profoundly upsetting to all those around them, and this includes animals.

I hope your getaway helps you find some peace and clarity. And some rest.

Mambo Queen

I have been following your posts because you remind me a lot of myself. My now ex-A had me supporting him for years after the divorce--not fully, and not all the time, but anytime he needed a handout I gave it to him, plus I kept this writing job up for him and didn't see a dime of the moneyexcept one payment of $200. He didn't work consistently for the entire length of our marriage. I have JUST NOW broken the cycle by going no contact and truly getting comfortable with the fact that he has to entirely sink or swim by his own devices, and if that means he starts again from a homeless shelter, that's what it means. My feelings of compassion and pity, guilt and anxiety blinded me to the true reality of what I was doing, which was enabling him to continue to live a horribly dysfunctional lifestyle with no consequences. I know it seems like such a sad life to us, but it really isn't to them or they would choose something different for themselves. I pray for you that your eyes are opened sooner than mine are, that you accept that this man is never going to give you anything close to what YOU need and deserve in a relationship, and that it is NOT YOUR PROBLEM what happens to him if you cut off all support. And get a good lawyer, because I bet you owe him less than you think you do. But I truly, truly, truly understand how difficult all of that is--as I've stated, I think I'm just now out of the woods and I left my exA in 2009. I just hope for you your road isn't as lengthy as mine was.