Not ready
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
Not ready
AXH "moved out of" his GF's home recently. I'm guessing in the past 2-3 weeks, since that's the time he started flaking on visits with DS. The last time he 'moved out' (as he put it), she had kicked him out for relapsing and she had asked that we (myself and AXH's family) not mention her to him because she'd had enough fear. Why she took him back after stating that, I don't know, but I'm getting off-track already.
Last week he let me know he moved and has 2 roommates, but didn't give their names.
AXH has already been in contact with me more this past week than he had been the entire few years he was off-and-on with his GF. And I'm scared that he's focusing on me again. All of his recent contact has technically been in a manner that the police / court would see as within the bounds of the no contact order (no contact except as related to DS)... but before he wasn't contacting me... Now he's all chatty about wanting to give me his 'new' phone number (which he refused to tell DS or I for 1/2 a year), how his job is going, where he is, where he's going, what he's doing...
Top it off, the guy he's renting from has an insane amount of court cases 1990's-2007 for assault, DWI, failure to comply with probation requirements. I think he's just the landlord and isn't one of the 2 roommates, but I don't know. Do I have a right to ask who the roommates are since DS (age 7) will be there?
And now I feel like my research into where AXH is living is stalker-ish - finding the address on Google, checking the city tax records for the landowner name, checking the state court site for cases...
OK... I hoped this post would help me feel calmer, but it's not... And I still want to yell at HP that I'm not ready for this.
Last week he let me know he moved and has 2 roommates, but didn't give their names.
AXH has already been in contact with me more this past week than he had been the entire few years he was off-and-on with his GF. And I'm scared that he's focusing on me again. All of his recent contact has technically been in a manner that the police / court would see as within the bounds of the no contact order (no contact except as related to DS)... but before he wasn't contacting me... Now he's all chatty about wanting to give me his 'new' phone number (which he refused to tell DS or I for 1/2 a year), how his job is going, where he is, where he's going, what he's doing...
Top it off, the guy he's renting from has an insane amount of court cases 1990's-2007 for assault, DWI, failure to comply with probation requirements. I think he's just the landlord and isn't one of the 2 roommates, but I don't know. Do I have a right to ask who the roommates are since DS (age 7) will be there?
And now I feel like my research into where AXH is living is stalker-ish - finding the address on Google, checking the city tax records for the landowner name, checking the state court site for cases...
OK... I hoped this post would help me feel calmer, but it's not... And I still want to yell at HP that I'm not ready for this.
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Join Date: Jan 2006
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Posts: 6,278
Doesn't your custody order contain a provision that visitation must be supervised? And the GF was the supervisor? Or am I recalling incorrectly? It seems to me that he would have to petition the court to change those terms if that is indeed what they are.
L
L
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
Yes, the GF was one of the 3 approved supervisors. However, his father and sister are 2 other supervisors. So technically, one of them could supervise the visits. Does that change whether or not I can ask who is living at the house where DS would be spending the night?
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Join Date: Jan 2006
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So, father or sister would have to spend the night, too?
I think you can ask whatever you feel you need to ask, but he may not answer, or answer truthfully. I know it sucks and costs $, but this sounds like something to talk to your attorney about.
L
I think you can ask whatever you feel you need to ask, but he may not answer, or answer truthfully. I know it sucks and costs $, but this sounds like something to talk to your attorney about.
L
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Join Date: Apr 2004
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No it does not. Ask for a visit to the home to 'check it and it's occupants' out since your very young son will be having visits there.
Now, sit down, take a very SLOW DEEP BREATHE in, hold to a slow count of 10. Exhale. Repeat 10 times. This will slow down your racing brain, slow you down a bit and allow you to think a bit more productively.
Love and hugs,
Now, sit down, take a very SLOW DEEP BREATHE in, hold to a slow count of 10. Exhale. Repeat 10 times. This will slow down your racing brain, slow you down a bit and allow you to think a bit more productively.
Love and hugs,
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,896
This is your child and you can ask anything you damned well want. You can refuse to allow your child to go where you know there might be danger. You have the right to make decisions for your child. Period.
You also do not have to talk to him about anything other than your son. When he starts wondering off in another direction, simply hang up. Nothing has changed as far as you and your son are concerned. Yes, I would advise my lawyer about what changes he has made, but only so it will be on the record. The visitation schedule is already filed with the court and if he wants anything different, and it's not something you are comfortable with, he will have to get a lawyer and take it to court.
You also do not have to talk to him about anything other than your son. When he starts wondering off in another direction, simply hang up. Nothing has changed as far as you and your son are concerned. Yes, I would advise my lawyer about what changes he has made, but only so it will be on the record. The visitation schedule is already filed with the court and if he wants anything different, and it's not something you are comfortable with, he will have to get a lawyer and take it to court.
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Join Date: Apr 2010
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Yeah, after I posted, I thought that I should be asking an attorney... before I do, though, I think I need to see my therapist, because I'm a wreck...
He's pumping it up making it sound like he's got the greatest home; the best place for DS. Which, looking at Google, it's pretty nice, beautiful yard and clean-looking exterior. But that's only the structure, not the people. And if the landlord is that way, who's to say what his tenants are - well, sh-t look at the most recent one. And I know that's uncharitable, but...
And thank HP, I didn't buy the house I looked at just down the street from there...
He's pumping it up making it sound like he's got the greatest home; the best place for DS. Which, looking at Google, it's pretty nice, beautiful yard and clean-looking exterior. But that's only the structure, not the people. And if the landlord is that way, who's to say what his tenants are - well, sh-t look at the most recent one. And I know that's uncharitable, but...
And thank HP, I didn't buy the house I looked at just down the street from there...
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I don't know why I continue to be surprised by what AXH pulls. That stupid little voice, though, keeps piping up at the most unrealistic times... "Maybe he's really changing. He DID get his own place; has to pay rent now, be responsible, says he wants to see DS..." It completely ignores the fact that his GF most likely kicked his a-- out for relasping or for being an abusive a--hat. Who knows...
Last Thursday, he had asked for dinner with DS and his father (visitation supervisor) on Monday (last) night, because he wouldn't be able to have the overnight since he'd be out of town working. I said OK, Monday 6-7. I get an e-mail from him Sunday evening saying work is taking longer but he hopes to be home for dinner, but doesn't know if the job will be done, hopes it'll be done, looks forward to seeing DS. I respond asking for clarification, "Your message was unclear. Will you be here for dinner with DS tomorrow eve?" Same stupid cr-p from him, weather was bad, work took longer, back in Fairbanks, hopes to be back [Monday]. oooookay. No clear answer one way or the other, DS and I decide to hang out with my sister (the pick up location) any way; if he shows up, fine.
No show. No surprise. He did, however, call DS after 7 pm. He told him that he's doing cool stuff in Fairbanks, bought cool stuff for DS and he'll see him for a sleep over on Thursday. 'Hand the phone to your mom, cuz I need to talk to her.'
The no contact order is no contact except by e-mail and only about DS. He is not supposed to try to talk to me on the phone. DS hands the phone to me and I turn it off.
So I'm proud of myself for just clicking the phone off, and then later and explaining to DS that there will not be a sleep over on Thursday. But I don't understand why I'm still surprised that he would tell DS something when he hasn't (1) asked me if Thursday will work or (2) assumed that the no contact via phone order has been lifted.
AND there is no e-mail from him asking for Thursday.
I thought I'd let go of expectations that AXH would behave appropriately, but I guess I haven't.
Last Thursday, he had asked for dinner with DS and his father (visitation supervisor) on Monday (last) night, because he wouldn't be able to have the overnight since he'd be out of town working. I said OK, Monday 6-7. I get an e-mail from him Sunday evening saying work is taking longer but he hopes to be home for dinner, but doesn't know if the job will be done, hopes it'll be done, looks forward to seeing DS. I respond asking for clarification, "Your message was unclear. Will you be here for dinner with DS tomorrow eve?" Same stupid cr-p from him, weather was bad, work took longer, back in Fairbanks, hopes to be back [Monday]. oooookay. No clear answer one way or the other, DS and I decide to hang out with my sister (the pick up location) any way; if he shows up, fine.
No show. No surprise. He did, however, call DS after 7 pm. He told him that he's doing cool stuff in Fairbanks, bought cool stuff for DS and he'll see him for a sleep over on Thursday. 'Hand the phone to your mom, cuz I need to talk to her.'
The no contact order is no contact except by e-mail and only about DS. He is not supposed to try to talk to me on the phone. DS hands the phone to me and I turn it off.
So I'm proud of myself for just clicking the phone off, and then later and explaining to DS that there will not be a sleep over on Thursday. But I don't understand why I'm still surprised that he would tell DS something when he hasn't (1) asked me if Thursday will work or (2) assumed that the no contact via phone order has been lifted.
AND there is no e-mail from him asking for Thursday.
I thought I'd let go of expectations that AXH would behave appropriately, but I guess I haven't.
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Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
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There are all kinds of state run websites that post sex offenders so at the very least you can ask for the names of the roommates and say that it's a safety matter for your son and you want to be sure they aren't on the sex offender registry.
There's also an app (which has come in very handy since a room for rent house is one of the addresses listed as housing several nasty criminals) called Life360. It will show you the addresses and names of registered offenders in your area (the folks who show up are sex offenders and offenders of serious violent crimes). Even if he wont give you the names of the roommates, you could see if they show up at the address he's living at on this app.
It's a matter of your son's safety and if your x isn't concerned with that, I sure bet a court will be.
There's also an app (which has come in very handy since a room for rent house is one of the addresses listed as housing several nasty criminals) called Life360. It will show you the addresses and names of registered offenders in your area (the folks who show up are sex offenders and offenders of serious violent crimes). Even if he wont give you the names of the roommates, you could see if they show up at the address he's living at on this app.
It's a matter of your son's safety and if your x isn't concerned with that, I sure bet a court will be.
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Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 433
Don't believe what he says about having found a great place/situation for your son. Check it all out first.
My XA has what I call "heroic narratives". Everytime his life fell apart from his drinking (lost job, kicked out, etc.) he would call me to tell me how great his life was now, what a good living situation he had, etc. IMO, anyone who can bounce back immediately from self-induced trauma and failures and create "heroic narratives" about how great his life is going to be now is not in touch with reality. Realistic people know that life is hard work a lot of the time, and that rebuilding after failures takes time and effort.
Most likely, your A is on a heroic narrative of his own right now. Be careful.
My XA has what I call "heroic narratives". Everytime his life fell apart from his drinking (lost job, kicked out, etc.) he would call me to tell me how great his life was now, what a good living situation he had, etc. IMO, anyone who can bounce back immediately from self-induced trauma and failures and create "heroic narratives" about how great his life is going to be now is not in touch with reality. Realistic people know that life is hard work a lot of the time, and that rebuilding after failures takes time and effort.
Most likely, your A is on a heroic narrative of his own right now. Be careful.
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