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Unending Drama and Pain

Old 04-30-2012, 10:00 AM
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Lord Have Mercy
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Unending Drama and Pain

Hi Everyone--

I have been lurking around these boards for years, husband to AW of 17 years. We are legally separated as of last November, but we continue to co-own a house and live together in a semblance of "normal" which is of course utterly abnormal. There are no kids involved.

This is a story of an AW who ignores, destroys, and abandons every healthy relationship with normal people who care about her, and instead takes up with other drunks and losers -- all the while acting like she is a nice Christian woman who is normal and isn't doing anything slightly immoral or out of the ordinary. (Who repeatedly says she wants to save her marriage and tries to maintain appearances of a functional household.)

AW has a recent new "friend" aka a stalker, another unhealthy friendship with a male who she claims is simply a co-worker and acquaintance. He calls our home phone repeatedly to talk to AW, and I can tell from the conversations that he is an abusive jerk. He will call back 10 times in a row, that sort of thing. AW doesn't have a lot to say about him, but I know she spends a decent portion of her free time with him. She HATES to be alone.

The reason I am posting is that I picked up the phone to talk to this guy yesterday. He said he is in love with AW, obsessed with her in fact, that he would like to spend 24/7 with her -- but he doesn't understand why she is lying to him! He said that they have been f****ng for 10 months and that whenever I go on vacation or a trip, he moves into my house!

I am a normal, well educated business professional age 44. This guy is a burn-out cook in his mid-50's with a drinking problem.

What is simply amazing to me is that AW has taken a position of denial on this and every similar situation (yes, there are about 3-4 others over the past 18 months since she fell of the wagon) -- literally representing herself as a virginal, perfect Mother Theresa who has not once, not ever, cheated on me!!

She acts utterly baffled, confused, and mildly insulted as I point out the Mt. Everest of circumstantial evidence proving her affairs. This drives me crazy -- do these A's EVER admit to anything!?!

I told her a lot of things yesterday, probably sounding like a broken record (your drinking is destroying your life, your drinking is the reason for your ruined marriage, this would be a good time to get clean etc.) -- but the main 2 things I said:

1. THANK GOD we are legally separated; and,
2. THANK GOD I found a little apartment and I am moving out MAY 1.

She continues to say that our relationship is important to her -- that our marriage is the best thing that ever happened to her -- that she is a "fighter" and will do anything to save our marriage. But this woman is completely, totally full of you-know-what.

As I looked for apartments, I asked God for a sign that I am doing the right thing. As we all know, it's not always clear. This time it is -- I don't just have one "burning bush" -- I have about 5 of them!

* perfect apartment nearby with a 3 month lease, and cheap.
* AW crawls in bed and wets MY bed (we sleep in separate bedrooms) the night before I need to decide whether to take the apartment.
* AW gets OWI #2 (0.35 bac) the day after I take the apartment, and demonstrates only temporary remorse.
* Life at home is particularly hellish with this jerk calling all the time.
* Drunken friend of hers comes to our house and passes out yesterday giving me 2X the fun.

What is the point of this post? Mostly venting. But also to share my great, great sense of RELIEF that filing for divorce, going through the agonzing and expensive process legal separation, and now finding my own place -- these were difficult but WORTHWHILE protections to put in place.

And I still feel like I love her. I love my AW when she is sober. She is beautiful and sweet. That is probably twisted to say this about someone who has shredded my heart, but I really do mean it. The main word I have for this is sad. It's very sad yet somehow I am unable to cry -- I guess that part comes later, right?

Thanks for listening.
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Old 04-30-2012, 10:05 AM
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So she doesn't mind being stalked like that?
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Old 04-30-2012, 10:49 AM
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Vent away. Alcoholics lie. Your wife lies. There is no partnership with someone who lies to you. You are doing the right thing to leave her to her own life, while you move on with yours. Enjoy the new place!
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Old 04-30-2012, 10:54 AM
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choublak:

She is remarkably tolerant of her stalker. Could be some kind of self-hating, "I deserve it" type of mentality.

She is a people pleaser to the Nth degree -- she tries to appease him by being nice to him, even on the 5th consecutive phone call.
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Old 04-30-2012, 01:15 PM
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Hi djayr,

you have been through the ringer, I am sooo sorry.

We all love them, but the only one we can save is ourselves.

We are here, you don't deserve any of what you are getting.

Hang in, much love Katie
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Old 04-30-2012, 01:24 PM
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Originally Posted by djayr View Post
She is remarkably tolerant of her stalker.
That sentence just does not "go"...

Good for you for getting out of there.
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Old 04-30-2012, 03:04 PM
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Good for you djayr! It has been a horrible road for you, but I feel your excitement of turning a new page. Is it wrong that I'm a little jealous of not quite being there yet myself? Thankfully with stories like yours, I have a little more motivation to start the ball rolling!
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Old 04-30-2012, 03:50 PM
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djayr - We all deserve a respite from the world, a place of physical and emotional safety and comfort - wishing you many relaxing, peaceful, calm days and evenings in your new place.
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Old 04-30-2012, 04:27 PM
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Yayy for you! I'm glad to hear that you are getting off the merry go round of such a drama filled life. We've all been there and done that kinda thing and yes we all love them for the person we know they can be but sadly as you said there is nothing we can do to get them there. They have to want it for themselves and no they can't tell the truth about anything...most just lie for the sake of lying. We are here to offer any support we can and many of us come here just to vent as you did. I hope you enjoy your new apartment and find the happiness and peace you deserve.
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Old 04-30-2012, 04:35 PM
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Originally Posted by djayr View Post

* perfect apartment nearby with a 3 month lease, and cheap.
Just curious, why nearby and why a temporary 3 month lease?
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Old 04-30-2012, 10:47 PM
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It will be very good to have your own place.

Do you have a counselor lined up?
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Old 05-01-2012, 01:14 AM
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I hope your new apartment brings you some much-needed peace of mind.
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Old 05-01-2012, 05:51 AM
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Keep up the good work. Dealing w/a alcoholic wife is very much like tryin to play basketball w/a football.............You know that suckers gonna bounce, you just don't know which way it's gonna go.
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Old 05-01-2012, 10:04 AM
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I don't know how you have been able to take this. I hope you attend Alanon, get the apt., get a divorce, sell the house, divide the assets 50/50 and start over happy, joyous and free of the crazy chaos.
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Old 05-01-2012, 10:13 AM
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wishing you all the best and that you begin to experience peace and serenity.
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Old 05-01-2012, 10:47 AM
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Your wife sounds like a fairly typical alcoholic. Alcoholism is progressive and that's where people end up (and even worse). Nothing you can say or do that will make a difference.
I'm so glad you're taking care of yourself and moving. You can only go up from here and best of all, you never have to repeat this terrible experience. BRAVO!!
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Old 05-01-2012, 11:20 AM
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Like Adventure, I am a little jealous that I can't be doing a 'hooray, I am finally free dance' myself.

If I didn't have to financially support a child, I would have been doing that dance some time ago. I WILL get there, it is just going to take a little more time than I'd like. But plan, I do. I am saving money (almost 2k in the bank - it might not seem like a lot to some, but it is hard when someone chooses to spend their money on alcohol and not helping out with simple things like FEEDING the family), and most importantly I am graduating with an accounting degree next year.

Be lucky you have no children and no major strings attached. Don't take this the wrong way, but it sounds like your wife wants you around for financial support. Alcoholics like to make sure they have enough money for booze, I know mine does. He could care less about me, because if he gave ONE IOTA about our relationship, he would make an effort to stop. I too have had our bed pee'd in (DISGUSTING). I try to get him to sleep elsewhere, but he won't. I have to more than not sleep with my son or on the couch due to loud, drunken snoring.

I know it hurts now, but I am confident that as time passes, you will kick yourself for not getting on with your life sooner. Good luck and I am sure you will be GOOD AND FINE once away (completely) from the situation.
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Old 05-01-2012, 07:47 PM
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Thanks for the encouragement everyone...I'm sitting here in a VERY quiet apartment, happy. All the best...
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Old 05-02-2012, 07:46 AM
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djayr,
sending you prayers and positive thoughts today....!
~T
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