Krys

I left my ABF a few weeks ago, and while we agreed to work things out I made it clear to him that unless he got help and I saw some changes I would not be moving back in. He was obviously upset, but since I wasn't seeing any changes it was easy to hold my ground and keep my boundaries. I haven't heard from him in a few days and today I got the first honest apology EVER. I have been waiting 2 years for it, and today I got it. He has apologized before, but always to shut me up or it was half assed..."I'm sorry but..."today he said he was sorry, he admitted to drinking daily (even when I thought he wasn't) he admitted he wasn't himself, wasn't thinking clearly at any point for the last couple of years, and owned up to the fact that what he did, the lies, the manipulation, the general crappy treatment of me was awful and that he feels ashamed and humiliated for what he is done. He wanted me to move back in and I held my ground and said thank you for the apology, commended him on taking responsibility, but no I will not be moving back in. I told him I need more time, and that he needs to go the next step and get treatment. He said he would, I guess only time will tell. Then the negative part came. He made a comment about painting the bedroom and moving my stuff into storage while he did it. I misunderstood and thought he was planning on keeping it there for good. I think the fact that my life has been so uprooted and I feel so displaced right now...I dunno, messing with the stuff that I left there so that his son would have a place to sleep just triggered something. I told him not to touch it and then anger took over and I just let it all out. I blamed him for everything and told him how his actions have affected me. He took it well, even said he wanted to hear it and was glad I was getting it out, but I was so confused. I felt so guilty for unloading on a guy who is so raw right now, and feeling so ashamed already. Ugh. Boundaries are going to be much harder to keep than I thought now that he is taking some responsibility...I feel like I just had a HUGE set back. I think I need a couples therapist to follow me around all day when I am with him. Ugh.

suki44883

Maybe it would be a good idea for you to move all your things out of his place anyway. Having your stuff there just keeps you tied to the idea of a continuing relationship with him. If you are serious about your boundaries, make a clean break and let him get on with whatever he wants to do regarding recovery. Just my two cents.

Krys

I know you are right, I should move everything out, but at this point there is no where to put it as I do not have a new place yet, and my mom (that's where I am staying) doesn't have room for it all. It would mean having to shell out money for a storage unit, which is what it may come to. I think I need some distance, the whole conversation today just put me in a state of panic and confusion. I didn't think that anything he had to say would ever sound sincere, and the fact that it did seem sincere threw me for a loop. I don't know if he will do what needs to be done to give us a chance...I want to believe him, but I know that it could very well be part sincere, part manipulation. It's what they do after all. The day he calls and tells me he is in therapy will be the day I have hope, until then I guess I just need to focus on myself.

Pelican

What is your definition of an apology?

He has been giving you apologies before today. He gave you another one today but left off the blame-shifting this time.

How is today's apology really different?

It looks like more manipulation to get you back in line. He said the words you wanted to hear this time and then asked you to move back in.

What would a sincere apology look like to you?

For me, it involves owning the unacceptable behavior. Apologizing and offering a plan of how to avoid repeating the unacceptable behavior. Then allowing the other person time to accept the apology. This adjustment time would be a delicate balance of action and acceptance of both partners. That's what I consider an apology.

Krys

Can you guys come live with me and stand behind me every time I have a conversation with him? It would be nice to have someone saying this while it is going on until I get the hang of it. lol! It is so hard to stay objective when there are feelings and hope involved. This sucks!!

Pelican

I know I would love to have the Codie bus pull up in my driveway somedays and have DesertEyes, Dee74, Freedom, Anvilhead, Suki, Jazzman, LaTeeDa, CatsPajamas, and a whole host of members with more recovery than myself show up!

I am still a work in progress.

Alanon slogan: Progress not perfection.

While your ABF is working on himself, what steps are you taking to take better care of yourself?

I use SR, self-improvement books, and Alanon to help me find a healthier, improved Pelican underneath all the other issues.

Keep working on you. You are worth the effort!

suki44883

That's me in the back with the pink bow!

lillamy

I often think "What Would Cyrano Do?" when I feel myself slipping down the slope of codependency...

I agree with Suki. Leaving your things there sends mixed messages. It says "I expect you to behave the way I want you to behave so that I can move back in" and that could be construed as being sort of controlling in a very passive way... OR it could be construed to be a way of saying "I have faith in you working this out"... depends on how you see it...

Freedom1990

I must be taking a nap on the other side of the bus!

Mavis1

it's just so hard being involved with an alcoholic, it does affect everyone around them, you haven't blown up on him before? you must have been walking around on eggshells and all I can say is you must have needed to let it out. now the controling and manipulating starts to rear it's ugly head. He KNEW that would **** you off, sooo he did it. Was he sober when he said he was sorry?

You sound like you really know what you need to do here and are willing to do what is right for you. Keep that thought, hold on to it...sounds like he wanted you back but you said no and I'm proud of you, you obviously know now how difficult it is to live with someone that is drinking and not working a program, wow, I'm so proud of you for leaving that unsolveable situation. It would only get worse if he continued to drink. I feel for you, i'ts so hard loving an alcoholic...seems to be the theme on this site. thinking about you. m

cmjames84

I am wondering about the "apology" only because I thought I had gotten a sincere apology and clung to it and now looking back, I don't think it was. I think it was just an apology because he wanted me around to continue enabling him and realized I was serious. Because he didn't want to be alone.

Even if you feel the apology was sincere, just please be careful and keep boundaries. I cannot tell you how many times I caved in before I finally left and even a little after.

Krys

Thank you so much to everyone who replied. To answer your questions, no he was not drinking when he apologized, no this is not the first time I have ever blown up on him, just the first since I left and it takes A LOT to get me to yell and cry. I have only done it a few times in 7 years and in the past I still managed to somehow weigh my words very carefully so as not to upset things too much. I am pretty new to this standing up for myself and standing my ground thing so it all just kind of came flying out of my mouth. lol. He cries more than I do, which is probably a sign that I hold way too much in and finally felt comfortable letting it out. I think now that I have had some time alone I have a better grasp on what happened. I think that while he may be remorseful he was manipulating me. He wants me to come back but the bottom line is he needs to get help and really want to get better. Actions speak louder than words, I just have to learn how to block the words out for now. I can understand why having my stuff there could be sending mixed messages, maybe until I get my own place I need to really lay it all out for him so that he knows what is going to happen...I have explained things to him very clearly, but obviously he does not believe me. I want the best for him whether we are together or not, but I can't force him to do anything and I can't fix this for him. He wants me to drop off his health insurance forms and look up therapists in our area for him, but I refuse. If he wants this he will do the leg work himself, I am hands off from now on. He can be continue to live with his alcoholism if he chooses, but I no longer want to live with codependency and fill the role of caretaker. I am not the best at it just yet, but I am trying really hard.

NYCDoglvr

Shrinks won't take active alcoholics as patients for a very good reason: it is impossible to change while drinking. Alcoholism is a progressive disease so what you see now will continue to get worse. I'm not saying he's a bad person but he is a very sick person.

Somehow I think you deserve a great guy, one who respects and enriches you.