Unsure - do I attend al-anon? Not sure if H is AH
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Join Date: Apr 2012
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Unsure - do I attend al-anon? Not sure if H is AH
Hi everyone. I'm so thankful for this forum and wanted to express my gratitude straight away before I ask my question.
I attended an al-anon meeting on Friday, however I was not quite sure if I belonged there. My H drinks everyday, as soon as he comes home from work, and has at times said something like "I think I'm done with drinking." "Really?" "Yeah, I'm done with it" or "Yeah I am really going to cut down, or just drink wine." He hasn't said he is an alcoholic and from my recollection has not expressed that he believes he has a drinking problem. I have read that I should not count drinks, but I have noticed that he drinks a bottle of wine a night if not more. Really he drinks until we go to sleep or he falls asleep on his own on the couch. We recently moved to a different state where he has a new job, and we lost our previous home and due to that and other issues he says he is depressed.
I recognize alcoholic tendencies in him, and codependent tendencies in myself. But is this enough?
How do people find themselves in al-anon? How do we really know if our loved one is an alcoholic? Do family members tell their loved one that they are attending al-anon? How do we bring that up? Is it possible for someone to drink because they are depressed and not be an alcoholic?
Thank you so much for your help.
I attended an al-anon meeting on Friday, however I was not quite sure if I belonged there. My H drinks everyday, as soon as he comes home from work, and has at times said something like "I think I'm done with drinking." "Really?" "Yeah, I'm done with it" or "Yeah I am really going to cut down, or just drink wine." He hasn't said he is an alcoholic and from my recollection has not expressed that he believes he has a drinking problem. I have read that I should not count drinks, but I have noticed that he drinks a bottle of wine a night if not more. Really he drinks until we go to sleep or he falls asleep on his own on the couch. We recently moved to a different state where he has a new job, and we lost our previous home and due to that and other issues he says he is depressed.
I recognize alcoholic tendencies in him, and codependent tendencies in myself. But is this enough?
How do people find themselves in al-anon? How do we really know if our loved one is an alcoholic? Do family members tell their loved one that they are attending al-anon? How do we bring that up? Is it possible for someone to drink because they are depressed and not be an alcoholic?
Thank you so much for your help.
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Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 588
You are the only one to decide if Al-Anon is for you. It is intended for friends and relatives affected by someone else's drinking, whether or not that person is self-described as an alcoholic or not. It seems that you do feel affected by your husband's drinking.
It is up to you who, if anyone, you tell about attending Al-Anon. My AH knows that I attend. He used to worry that we got together to tell drunken horror stories to each other. He was relieved to know that that is not the case and that it is all about me.
Hope this helps.
It is up to you who, if anyone, you tell about attending Al-Anon. My AH knows that I attend. He used to worry that we got together to tell drunken horror stories to each other. He was relieved to know that that is not the case and that it is all about me.
Hope this helps.
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
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Whatever you call it doesn't matter. His drinking has clearly created problems, both for him and for you, right? And that qualifies you for Al-Anon. And the fact that you got yourself to a meeting? That's huge. That's a hard step to take. Now keep going. 
Do people drink because they're depressed? Yes. Often. Which is just about the dumbest thing you can do, because it's like saying "I'm so overheated: I think I'll go get a sweater and a down jacket and crawl down under the blankets and start a fire and turn the thermostat up to 90 degrees!"
Alcohol is a depressant that makes depression worse.
So there's that. But then there's the other thing: That alcoholics always have a reason for drinking. They drink because they're depressed. They drink because they're happy. They drink because it's a holiday. They drink because it's the day before a holiday. They drink because they need a pick-me-up after the holiday. They drink because the day ends with -y. They drink because they got promoted. They drink because they got fired. They drink because they want to celebrate with you. They drink because you hurt their feelings. THEY DRINK BECAUSE THEY WANT TO DRINK.
My ex never missed a day of work because of his drinking. He had a high-powered prestigious job. Still does. And he pours himself the first drink before taking his coat off. Every day. And then he drinks until he passes out.
We moved a lot, too. It was like he could sense when I had grown enough roots and support systems that I could consider leaving. And then he cussed out his boss, quit his job, and told me we needed to move.
I think it's a brilliant idea to go to Al-Anon and take care of yourself. Whether you tell your husband or not is up to you. I never did, because he would just have ridiculed it and made it impossible for me, like he did with my friendships. If he had been a less aggressive person, I would probably have done what one of my Al-Anon friends did: She said to her husband, "I've started going to Al-Anon because your drinking affects me." He got defensive about his drinking and accused her of "going around talking about me to strangers" and she said, "Oh no, Al-Anon isn't about YOU, I go there to get help for ME. We don't talk about the people in our lives who drink, we talk about ourselves."
I would encourage you to learn as much as you possibly can about alcoholism and addiction. Just reading your description, I see similarities to where my husband was at when we met. 20+ years later, his "drinking problem" had turned into full-blown alcoholism complete with domestic abuse and I left him.
But you don't have to figure everything out today. Just the fact that you're asking the questions and going to Al-Anon are good steps to take to protect yourself and learn how to deal with this disease and how it affects you. And please, hang around here and chat -- this place has a wealth of information. And hugs.
Do people drink because they're depressed? Yes. Often. Which is just about the dumbest thing you can do, because it's like saying "I'm so overheated: I think I'll go get a sweater and a down jacket and crawl down under the blankets and start a fire and turn the thermostat up to 90 degrees!"
Alcohol is a depressant that makes depression worse.
So there's that. But then there's the other thing: That alcoholics always have a reason for drinking. They drink because they're depressed. They drink because they're happy. They drink because it's a holiday. They drink because it's the day before a holiday. They drink because they need a pick-me-up after the holiday. They drink because the day ends with -y. They drink because they got promoted. They drink because they got fired. They drink because they want to celebrate with you. They drink because you hurt their feelings. THEY DRINK BECAUSE THEY WANT TO DRINK.
My ex never missed a day of work because of his drinking. He had a high-powered prestigious job. Still does. And he pours himself the first drink before taking his coat off. Every day. And then he drinks until he passes out.
We moved a lot, too. It was like he could sense when I had grown enough roots and support systems that I could consider leaving. And then he cussed out his boss, quit his job, and told me we needed to move.
I think it's a brilliant idea to go to Al-Anon and take care of yourself. Whether you tell your husband or not is up to you. I never did, because he would just have ridiculed it and made it impossible for me, like he did with my friendships. If he had been a less aggressive person, I would probably have done what one of my Al-Anon friends did: She said to her husband, "I've started going to Al-Anon because your drinking affects me." He got defensive about his drinking and accused her of "going around talking about me to strangers" and she said, "Oh no, Al-Anon isn't about YOU, I go there to get help for ME. We don't talk about the people in our lives who drink, we talk about ourselves."
I would encourage you to learn as much as you possibly can about alcoholism and addiction. Just reading your description, I see similarities to where my husband was at when we met. 20+ years later, his "drinking problem" had turned into full-blown alcoholism complete with domestic abuse and I left him.
But you don't have to figure everything out today. Just the fact that you're asking the questions and going to Al-Anon are good steps to take to protect yourself and learn how to deal with this disease and how it affects you. And please, hang around here and chat -- this place has a wealth of information. And hugs.
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Leominster, Ma
Posts: 119
Hi Newbie, don't compare yourself with others at the meetings...try to identify with the feelings the others have about their situation. You obviously are having problems because you wouldn't have just gone to an Alanon meeting for the heck of it. you are there for YOU. that is a difficult concept, I didn't understand that when I first went to Alanon. go to another meeting and then another one, people will reach out to you. I hope it helps you and that you start to feel like you belong, it's a great place to meet wonderful people who are affected by alcohol in some way or other. m
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: California
Posts: 693
Newbie, once you get to the place where your husband's drinking is a problem for YOU, then it's a problem. It doesn't matter how much or how often he drinks.
In my own situation, it crept up on me. My husband is an executive and what some would call a "functioning alcoholic." He drinks alone at home, he does not go to bars, he is rarely obviously intoxicated. He doesn't drink to excess at social events (but I later realized he "pre" and "post" drinks around them). I thought alcoholics were drunks who ranted and raved and threw things and got DUIs and beat their wives. I learned that there are many flavors of alcoholics, but they all have one thing in common: They will keep getting worse, the "functioning" ones like my husband will become non-functioning with time. The disease is progressive. Sure enough, I am seeing this in my husband now.
We have been married for 16 years, the first 8 years were great, no issues with alcohol that I could see. The last 8 years have been a long, slow slide into alcoholism. It took me a while to figure out just how bad it was, because my husband got very adept at hiding how much he was drinking and he was 'functioning,' making a very good living and looking to the outside world like a great husband and father. Of course, things were slowly getting worse and worse at home. He seemed to not like me any more, did not respect me, was constantly criticizing me and the kids. I wondered, was this alcohol or did he just not want to be with me any more? Was he having an affair? Was he depressed? What was going on?
I started attending Al Anon in 2011. It was an eye opener, but what truly opened my eyes was reading EVERYTHING I could get my hands on about alcoholism, and truly educating myself about the beast. The most helpful book was "Under The Influence" by Milam. Also "Codependent No More" by Beattie. And many others. Once my eyes were really, truly open, I could easily see that my husband had become a full-on alcoholic. It took a while to really be able to say this to myself, but once I did, so many mysteries finally made sense. Unable to continue withstanding this non-life, I took a huge leap and asked him to move out and seek help. He moved out, but he did not seek help, and a year of separation later, he's still drinking, does not think he has a problem, and we are on the road to legal separation.
With alcoholism, you have to put the focus on YOU, and that is what Al Anon is all about. Once a week I attend Al Anon, and to hear other stories I realize that my experience is not unique, that I am not alone. If YOU feel there is a problem (and a bottle of wine a night is a problem), then there's a problem. No matter what he says, feels, does. Educate yourself, read everything you can, attend Al Anon. Then decide what works best for YOU.
SR has been a lifesaver for me. It provides something that Al Anon cannot, feedback and total anonymity. Keep posting, keep learning. You are not alone.
In my own situation, it crept up on me. My husband is an executive and what some would call a "functioning alcoholic." He drinks alone at home, he does not go to bars, he is rarely obviously intoxicated. He doesn't drink to excess at social events (but I later realized he "pre" and "post" drinks around them). I thought alcoholics were drunks who ranted and raved and threw things and got DUIs and beat their wives. I learned that there are many flavors of alcoholics, but they all have one thing in common: They will keep getting worse, the "functioning" ones like my husband will become non-functioning with time. The disease is progressive. Sure enough, I am seeing this in my husband now.
We have been married for 16 years, the first 8 years were great, no issues with alcohol that I could see. The last 8 years have been a long, slow slide into alcoholism. It took me a while to figure out just how bad it was, because my husband got very adept at hiding how much he was drinking and he was 'functioning,' making a very good living and looking to the outside world like a great husband and father. Of course, things were slowly getting worse and worse at home. He seemed to not like me any more, did not respect me, was constantly criticizing me and the kids. I wondered, was this alcohol or did he just not want to be with me any more? Was he having an affair? Was he depressed? What was going on?
I started attending Al Anon in 2011. It was an eye opener, but what truly opened my eyes was reading EVERYTHING I could get my hands on about alcoholism, and truly educating myself about the beast. The most helpful book was "Under The Influence" by Milam. Also "Codependent No More" by Beattie. And many others. Once my eyes were really, truly open, I could easily see that my husband had become a full-on alcoholic. It took a while to really be able to say this to myself, but once I did, so many mysteries finally made sense. Unable to continue withstanding this non-life, I took a huge leap and asked him to move out and seek help. He moved out, but he did not seek help, and a year of separation later, he's still drinking, does not think he has a problem, and we are on the road to legal separation.
With alcoholism, you have to put the focus on YOU, and that is what Al Anon is all about. Once a week I attend Al Anon, and to hear other stories I realize that my experience is not unique, that I am not alone. If YOU feel there is a problem (and a bottle of wine a night is a problem), then there's a problem. No matter what he says, feels, does. Educate yourself, read everything you can, attend Al Anon. Then decide what works best for YOU.
SR has been a lifesaver for me. It provides something that Al Anon cannot, feedback and total anonymity. Keep posting, keep learning. You are not alone.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 110
Ah, here I had this whole lengthy response, and my session had expired and it was not submitted. So here we go again!
Thank you all for your insight and support. Yes, my husband does have excuses to drink no matter what is going on. Right now it's that we do not have children after 3 years of marriage and that he "doesn't have what (he) thought he'd have by this age - a house, a family, he's 32 next week). As far as children go, surely you can all imagine why we do not have them. Anyhow, before I had my "moment of clarity" about his drinking problem, I attributed his behavior and strange sensitivity/thinking to a mental health concern, BPD. He went to counseling after a particularly violent physical episode this past October, and started taking medication, but he continued to drink. I will say his thinking did seem less "personal" and he seemed more concerned with me, and how I was doing.
Before we were married he always had a lightning fast "temper" and would rage at the slightest disagreement, or seemingly nothing - sometimes he was just in a "mood", and yes he did get physical here and there. After we got married it got *much* worse, and if he was not physical he was destroying things in rage. Then he became verbally abusive instead, and even commented that at least it wasn't physical abuse, so that's progress right? Now he is verbally abusive when on a rage, and physical if I say, touch his arm to try to calm him down. And even if I try to explain to him that his abuse and poor treatment of me (he's selfish and self-centered as well, even at birthdays and anniversaries) has prevented me from feeling safe to have children with him, he accuses me of "hijacking" his life and says it's my problem, not his, and he "won't let me do this to him." He's the victim, always. Which is comical to me, because he constantly rants about how people "are always the victim, oh poor you" and has no empathy for others.
He is emotionally abusive all the time - shutting me out, ignoring me, not talking to me unless he needs/wants something or if I ask him a question. He doesn't touch me, hold me, kiss me, nothing. Right now I feel like his personal chef & maid, and that's it. My uncle called this "drinking at" me.
He's also doing the "poor me's" - "poor me, poor me, pour me another." Just last night he was upset that he had locked his keys in his car, and when I asked if that was all, if anything else had happened because he seemed so upset, he said "No, nothing. Just my life - my life happened." I'm noticing more and more the self-pity. And this after we moved here so he could make quite a bit of money. I see now how this may have been a "geographical cure".
Each day, excluding the weekends, I attend al-anon and already the change in myself is remarkable. I am able to prevent myself from responding or engaging with him when he is drunk, whereas before I didn't *notice* the drinking/disease as the culprit and insisted on trying to rationalize with him or indulge his self-pity. And because of al-anon, I am able to find the joy in my everyday activities, instead of isolating myself and continuing to worry away my day, focusing on nothing but anxiety and fear of "What do I do? What can I do to fix us?" Oh, the things I have tried. Even after one 2 week stint of showing up at our apt door at lunchtime in lingerie, he had the worst rage he's had perhaps ever, and was the most physical with me. It did nothing. I felt helpless and that it was my fault - if only I were more "this" or did more of "that", or didn't do "this" and wasn't so "that", he would treat me better.
SoaringSpirits - thank you for those book recommendations. When you mentioned your "non-life", that really rang true with me. That is what I feel we have had for the past year and a half - a non-life! At least me. I have become so overwhelmed with anxiety, depression and guilt that I have not moved forward with my own career or taken care of myself, health-wise, hygiene-wise. It was bad.
Thank you all so much for your insight and support. I am so grateful for you and this forum and look forward to assisting as well, where I can.
Thank you all for your insight and support. Yes, my husband does have excuses to drink no matter what is going on. Right now it's that we do not have children after 3 years of marriage and that he "doesn't have what (he) thought he'd have by this age - a house, a family, he's 32 next week). As far as children go, surely you can all imagine why we do not have them. Anyhow, before I had my "moment of clarity" about his drinking problem, I attributed his behavior and strange sensitivity/thinking to a mental health concern, BPD. He went to counseling after a particularly violent physical episode this past October, and started taking medication, but he continued to drink. I will say his thinking did seem less "personal" and he seemed more concerned with me, and how I was doing.
Before we were married he always had a lightning fast "temper" and would rage at the slightest disagreement, or seemingly nothing - sometimes he was just in a "mood", and yes he did get physical here and there. After we got married it got *much* worse, and if he was not physical he was destroying things in rage. Then he became verbally abusive instead, and even commented that at least it wasn't physical abuse, so that's progress right? Now he is verbally abusive when on a rage, and physical if I say, touch his arm to try to calm him down. And even if I try to explain to him that his abuse and poor treatment of me (he's selfish and self-centered as well, even at birthdays and anniversaries) has prevented me from feeling safe to have children with him, he accuses me of "hijacking" his life and says it's my problem, not his, and he "won't let me do this to him." He's the victim, always. Which is comical to me, because he constantly rants about how people "are always the victim, oh poor you" and has no empathy for others.
He is emotionally abusive all the time - shutting me out, ignoring me, not talking to me unless he needs/wants something or if I ask him a question. He doesn't touch me, hold me, kiss me, nothing. Right now I feel like his personal chef & maid, and that's it. My uncle called this "drinking at" me.
He's also doing the "poor me's" - "poor me, poor me, pour me another." Just last night he was upset that he had locked his keys in his car, and when I asked if that was all, if anything else had happened because he seemed so upset, he said "No, nothing. Just my life - my life happened." I'm noticing more and more the self-pity. And this after we moved here so he could make quite a bit of money. I see now how this may have been a "geographical cure".
Each day, excluding the weekends, I attend al-anon and already the change in myself is remarkable. I am able to prevent myself from responding or engaging with him when he is drunk, whereas before I didn't *notice* the drinking/disease as the culprit and insisted on trying to rationalize with him or indulge his self-pity. And because of al-anon, I am able to find the joy in my everyday activities, instead of isolating myself and continuing to worry away my day, focusing on nothing but anxiety and fear of "What do I do? What can I do to fix us?" Oh, the things I have tried. Even after one 2 week stint of showing up at our apt door at lunchtime in lingerie, he had the worst rage he's had perhaps ever, and was the most physical with me. It did nothing. I felt helpless and that it was my fault - if only I were more "this" or did more of "that", or didn't do "this" and wasn't so "that", he would treat me better.
SoaringSpirits - thank you for those book recommendations. When you mentioned your "non-life", that really rang true with me. That is what I feel we have had for the past year and a half - a non-life! At least me. I have become so overwhelmed with anxiety, depression and guilt that I have not moved forward with my own career or taken care of myself, health-wise, hygiene-wise. It was bad.
Thank you all so much for your insight and support. I am so grateful for you and this forum and look forward to assisting as well, where I can.
Last edited by NewbieJ; 05-04-2012 at 06:22 AM. Reason: Left out some info
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Join Date: Jul 2011
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Ugh. I hear you on the self-pity of the A. Mine XA was constantly depressed and miserable, and on antidepressants--yet he drank! He was always complaining, and I was always the sympathetic ear. In the last couple weeks of our relationship, I started joking about it. Everytime he'd complain about his knee hurting (he has a serious knee injury, but wouldn't go to the doctor!!), I laughed and said, "Okay, so today how would you rate the pain? I'm going to jot it down in the little notebook I keep about your knee."
He laughed, I laughed, but...it really wasn't funny. I was sick of his misery.
He laughed, I laughed, but...it really wasn't funny. I was sick of his misery.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: California
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Originally Posted by NewbieJ 
When you mentioned your "non-life", that really rang true with me. That is what I feel we have had for the past year and a half - a non-life! At least me. I have become so overwhelmed with anxiety, depression and guilt that I have not moved forward with my own career or taken care of myself, health-wise, hygiene-wise. It was bad.
Keep up with Al Anon, read a ton, and you will figure out what to do. You deserve a joyous life. Don't let him pull you down into the rabbit hole with him.
This is a GREAT article about the "four horsemen of marriage," ie the marriage killers. All four were alive and well over the last two years of my marriage.
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Join Date: Apr 2012
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Originally Posted by SoaringSpirits
I can relate to the depression and letting things slide. Believe it or not, I started better self care by making myself shower every day. That's how bad it got at one point.
No, not a man I want to have babies with...which is so sad because at one time, he really was. Another casualty to all this is the loss of my dreams, what I thought the future would hold with him. Just a shame.
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Join Date: Apr 2012
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Thank you LifeRecovery and Akrasia. I have found such a wealth of support here and in al-anon.
There was something someone said today in the meeting, that they "...kept going to empty wells looking to be filled." With other concerns - such as the grief over the passing of my father (January 2010), my AH was very supportive and was not an empty well. And even just this past weekend during a moment of sudden grief, he was comforting. He is, however, not about his own behavior and wrongs. Anyhow, I just remembered that phrase and thought - time to go to wells that are brimming. This site is such a well.
There was something someone said today in the meeting, that they "...kept going to empty wells looking to be filled." With other concerns - such as the grief over the passing of my father (January 2010), my AH was very supportive and was not an empty well. And even just this past weekend during a moment of sudden grief, he was comforting. He is, however, not about his own behavior and wrongs. Anyhow, I just remembered that phrase and thought - time to go to wells that are brimming. This site is such a well.
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Join Date: Apr 2012
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Originally Posted by SoaringSpirits
This is a GREAT article about the "four horsemen of marriage," ie the marriage killers. All four were alive and well over the last two years of my marriage.
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